


How You Got Into Me

by peraltiaghoe



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, Break Up, College, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Abuse, Smut, Social Anxiety, Tutoring, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-03-27 16:20:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 121,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19016464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peraltiaghoe/pseuds/peraltiaghoe
Summary: Jake has been with Sophia for six years when he finds out that she had been cheating on him, half way through his third year in college. He struggles with the pieces of himself that she left him, leaning on his friends, old and new, to find himself again in the aftermath.a Jake & Amy college AUWork title is from an old Pierce the Veil song, Stay Away From My Friends. I haven't decided yet if I'll reference back to the song throughout this fic, but I thought it was a fitting title for where I'm going with it.





	1. I Thought We Had a Damn Good Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this idea last night and wrote this chapter out in 45 minutes, but I'm excited about the ideas I have for it. We'll see where it goes.
> 
> Enjoy!

He pulled her closer as he thrust deeper into her. He could feel the sweat running down his chest as he vigorously tried to bring her to climax before he lost control himself. If her sounds were any indication, he was succeeding. 

A few moments later, he was in the bathroom, disposing of the condom and cleaning up. She was nestled in her blankets, a dazed smile against her lips as she watched him walk back into the room. He flashed her an uncomfortable, disingenuous smile before quickly pulling his clothes back on.

This is the part he always hated. The uncomfortable part at the end, where he had to dress and prepare to leave. Sometimes the girl wanted him to stay, which made it more difficult. He had to think of excuses for why he had to go, when the reality was that he never had any intention of staying in the first place. What was the point of staying? Love wasn’t real. There was no facade presented of having a future with any of these girls. He couldn’t even see a future with any girl at all.

Not after Sophia. He had been with Sophia since he was fifteen. Now, at 21, he was three years into college and she was three years into fucking other guys behind his back. To make matters worse, he hadn’t even broken up with her over the ordeal. He was hurt, sure, but he thought maybe they could have repaired their relationship. She was the only woman he had ever been with (at the time, that was anything but true as of late) and he loved her. She was the one who called it off. ‘We’re just different people. Our lives are too different,’ she said. 

She was right. He was a good person, so there’s a difference. He was loyal. She left him with this. He never would have done that to her. She left him broken, unsure where to go after six years with her. Still, even now, as he tried his hardest to think about all the bad things about her, he couldn’t. He felt so much love toward the woman who ruined his life. All of his best memories were stained with her presence and he could feel his life tumbling down a path that he had never intended it to. 

“Are you okay?” The woman on the bed was looking at Jake, concern on her face. The woman on the bed… What was her name?

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I have to go.” 

“So soon?” 

“Yeah, I, uh, have class. I’ll see you around.”

As Jake quickly shuffled out the door, he heard the woman call after him.

“It’s Saturday!”

He had already made his exit and he did not plan on turning around to correct his stupid mistake. The truth was that he hadn’t been going to class at all, so he wasn’t sure what day it was. Nobody had class on Saturday, so he clearly fucked that up. She was definitely going to be spreading some bad stories about him. When stories preceded you, it was harder to find girls who wanted to take you back to their room. 

This was what a lot of his days looked like, lately. She was the fourth girl that week. He’d find a girl, sometimes at a party, sometimes walking around campus, sometimes on his way out of the bathroom. He’d flirt a little, see if she was into it. She almost always was. Every now and then the girl would mention her boyfriend and Jake would smile politely and wish her a good day as he turned away to find another ‘victim.’ That’s what he always called them in his head. He thought that maybe they felt that way. Every encounter he had was consensual, he made sure of that, but he couldn’t help but to feel like he was hurting these girls the same way Sophia had hurt him. 

He was walking back toward his dorm while thinking about all of this. They couldn’t be hurt the same way he was after having only known him for a few days, max. Besides, none of it even mattered. He was trying desperately to fill the hole that Sophia left in him. That typically meant day drinking just enough to feel a little fuzzy, finding a willing participant to fuck his sadness away, and then making his way back home to drink until he blacked out. Who would’ve thought that a girl could have ruined him like this. His mother would be disappointed in him.

Finally, he was making his way down his hallway, his walk of shame almost over. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, sighing deeply when he stepped inside. He heard a familiar female voice, his roommate Gina, but another female voice caught his attention. He furrowed his eyebrows at the thought of having to put on a show for a guest. 

Begrudgingly, he stepped forward, all smiles to greet Gina’s guest. 

“Hey, G, I-” He stopped speaking when he saw the woman at the table. She smiled tightly at him. Her dark hair fell in curls around her shoulders, falling lightly on her deep bronze skin. The harsh fluorescent lighting in their dining room, lighting that Jake would avoid at all costs if he was taking a photo, somehow made her look more beautiful. Or rather, it didn’t cost her any of her beauty, he assumed the beauty was all her. 

“Well, look, Jacob’s back from his _excursion_ ,” Gina said, the final word dripping with poison. He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks as he stared at the woman seated at the table. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t place her. Her dark eyes, framed with long, gorgeous eyelashes, stared back at his. He couldn’t help but to notice her lips, the only word he could think of to describe them was irresistible. He wanted to badly to press them against his own. 

He felt his heart skip a beat. This was so weird. He was having so many _feelings_. He hadn’t really felt things since everything that happened with Sophia. It had been about three months. And when he said he didn’t feel things, he meant he didn’t feel _anything_. He had been numb to just about every emotion, excluding the dark feeling that overcame him any time he was alone with his thoughts. The only time he felt good in any way was when he was in bed with one of those random women, but even that was just a quick bandaid to a much larger problem.

Oh no. Oh, _god_. Was she one of those women? Had he slept with her? Was she back for some reason? This couldn’t be good. She didn’t look particularly mad or upset. He scanned the table in front of her, noting a book and some papers. Did he even know her?

He only noticed he had been standing there, probably looking stupid, for too long when Gina spoke again. “Uh, hello? Earth to Jake? You have a visitor. I’m just going to leave. I filled her in a little bit on your-” She stopped to gesture over his whole body, head to toe, “ _situation_.” 

He blushed again. What did that even mean? He had a visitor? His _situation_? What had she told her?

Gina flashed a knowing glance to the woman at the table and mumbled a “good luck,” before making her dramatic exit. 

Jake looked at the woman, once again surprised at her beauty. 

“Uh, hi,” he said meekly. “I’m Jake.”

She smiled back at him. “Amy Santiago.” She extended her hand for him to shake. He was too far away to accept it and the awkward shuffle to get from where he was to where she was once he finally figured out what she was doing was enough to bring that familiar burning sensation back to his cheeks. He shook her hand firmly. 

She didn’t say anything else, but her eyes were looking at him intensely. She appeared to be assessing him. He felt uncomfortable. 

“So, uhm, do we know we other?” 

Her eyebrows furrowed. She waited just long enough to respond to make him more uncomfortable, which he hadn’t even known was possible. “Yeah. We have a criminal psychology class together.” 

He nodded, understanding now why he vaguely recognized her. He had been to a few classes, but after everything with Sophia, he promptly stopped going. He breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t fucked this beautiful woman and left her alone while she was sleeping. Another stark contrast to how things had been for him, lately. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw a pretty girl and wanted anything other than to get her in bed, or in the car, or in the shower. Wherever he could get her alone and on top of him. He could feel himself getting aroused at the thought of this woman, Amy Santiago, being one of those girls, but he quickly shook the thought out of his head. 

“What can I do for you, Amy Santiago?”

“Well,” she said softly. “Dr. Phillips is concerned about you. She said you were one of her best students at the beginning of the semester and now you don’t even come to class. I have been assigned to your case.”

“My case?” He was immediately feeling defensive. He didn't need someone to come check up on him. He could handle everything just fine on his own. 

“Yeah, that’s what she called it. Basically, I’m here to make sure everything is okay with you. I brought you all the work you missed. The idea, if you’re down for it, is that I’ll kind of be like your tutor or something. I’ll help you get caught up on all the work that you’ve missed while you’ve been recovering from your br-” she stopped abruptly. 

“Breakup,” he finished for her, adding a half hearted smile. “What do you get out of this?”

Amy shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s kind of like another assignment for me. I get extra credit, but I don’t really need it. Also, I just wanted to help. I noticed that you stopped coming to class.” She paused, opening her mouth to say something, but then closing it again. She settled for, “I was glad to come check that you were alright.” 

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “You noticed that I stopped coming?”

She blushed a little. He was thrilled. That was a great sign. “I mean, yeah. I mean you talk a lot, so when you stopped coming, the class was a lot quieter. Not hard to notice you missing.” 

He nodded knowingly. “I definitely do talk a lot.” 

She nodded back, biting her lip before she continued. She was into him, right? I mean the blush, the lip bite, the asking about his well-being? “So, is this something you’d be interested in?”

He thought it over for a moment. “I don’t know. I mean, I think I can probably handle all of this by myself.”

“Jake,” she cut in. “You’ve missed a lot. It wouldn’t hurt to have someone who was there through it all to help you out if you need it. Plus I have extensive notes.”

He sighed again, looking at that pretty face while he thought. It definitely wouldn’t hurt him to be close to her. He didn't really want their interactions to be based on him looking dumb and her saving the day, but if that was how he got to be close to her... He simply shrugged. “I’ll think about it.” 

She nodded and stood up, preparing herself to leave. He stood too, trying to think of a way to prolong their interaction. Her hair had fallen in her face when she bent down to grab her bag. He reached out and touched her before he even thought about it, tucking the hair behind her ear in a move that was a little too intimate for either of their liking. Her lips fell apart as she studied what he was doing. 

He left his hand on her face as he spoke, toying with the hair that he had moved. “Hey, uhm… Do you wanna _stay_?” The final word came out much more direct than he had meant for it to. He didn’t necessarily mean stay for sex, although the thought had crossed his mind. That’s definitely what it sounded like he was trying to-

_**Crack-** _

He looked back at her, surprised. His hand sprang to his jaw to nurse his new wound. She- She _punched_ him? She punched him hard. He looked at her, bewildered. She looked a little surprised, too. He opened his mouth, testing his jaw, and rubbed it softly with his hand. 

“I-” She began to speak, but then stopped, as if she didn’t know what to say. “I’m gonna leave.”

He scoffed. “Yeah.” 

She made her way to the door and grabbed the handle. 

“Wait-” she turned back to look at him. He didn’t know why he was doing this. He didn’t plan to, his mouth was moving without him even telling it to. “Can I get your number?” She blinked ferociously at this. He stammered, “I-I mean, you know, for this tutoring thing?”

Her expression softened, but she didn’t smile. “If you’re interested, show up to class on Monday. Then we’ll talk.” 

With that, she was out the door. Jake rubbed his jaw, feeling like a child being sent to timeout. He was a little mad, but was he... what was this feeling? Kind of turned on? For some reason he wanted to follow her out the door, but he remained where he was, staring at the door. He couldn't help the small smile that formed on his lips. 

_What the fuck just happened_?


	2. And It's Not Easy to Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake goes back to class and spends a little more time with Amy. We get a little bit of Amy's perspective this time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already fell off of using titles from that one song. 
> 
> Chapter title brought to you by: Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“I don’t know, Charles,” Jake continued. His friend was looking at him like he was stupid. 

“Listen, Jake. First of all, she’s right. You’re going to fail your classes. You and I both know you don’t have the motivation to do all your late work, even if you do have the ability. She’ll hold you accountable.” He raised his eyebrows emphatically. “And if you fall in love in the process, well that’s just a plus.” 

Jake rolled his eyes. “She punched me in the face, Charles!”

“Yeah, but you deserved it. Honestly, you deserved for a lot of those girls to punch you in the face.” His voice got lower as he spoke, the final sentence practically under his breath.

Jake’s eyes were narrowed, staring at Charles. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I am on your side. That’s why I’m telling you to go to class tomorrow and meet up with Amy.” He waited for Jake to respond. When he didn’t, he continued. “Look, I know Sophia messed you up pretty bad, but you’re only 21. Your life doesn’t have to be over because she hurt you.” 

Gina opened his bedroom door, dramatically walking through the room and flopping onto his bed. “I was accidentally listening through the door and it’s time for Gina’s opinion.” Jake sighed, but scooched over to make room for her as she stretched out to get comfortable. “Jake, you have been _hella_ sad and it’s _really_ bringing me down. I think we all know by now that Sophia’s a skank,” Jake raised his eyebrows disapprovingly, but nodded, “and you need to move,” she accentuated this word with a clap, “ _on_.” She clapped her hands again, keeping them together and pointing them at Jake when she finished. 

Charles nodded, tight-lipped. “You know, I hate to say it, but Gina’s right.” 

“Yeah, Charles, I’m always right.” 

“You guys, it’s not that simple.” Jake scoffed, falling back into the pillows and staring at the ceiling. “You don’t think I’ve been trying to move on?”

They both laughed, causing him to prop himself back up on his elbows to stare at them. 

“No, Jake! You haven’t been.” Gina snapped back at him unapologetically. “You’ve been sulking around, tapping any girl who will let you get close enough and not only is it sad, but it’s kinda gross. You know I’m all for sexual liberation, and if that was who you are I’d say do you, boo. But we both know that’s not you.”

Charles nodded again. “We just want the good old Jake back.”

“Ugh,” Jake groaned, falling back into the pillows with a plop. “I just don’t know who the ‘good old Jake’ is without _her_.” 

“Well, I guess you’re gonna have to try a little bit harder to figure that out, huh?” Gina shot back. “Maybe instead of trying to fill that absence with grody girls, you dedicate a little time to actually taking care of yourself.”

Charles flopped back on the bed with them, the three friends all staring up at the ceiling together. “I think what Gina’s trying to say is we’re worried about you.”

Jake groaned again. “Fine, I’ll go to class. Happy?”

Gina sat up and looked at him. “Not yet. We’ll see.” 

They sat together for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. Jake didn’t protest when Charles suggested that they order a pizza, talking way too much about _mouth feel_ \--gross. They hung out in a group for the first time in a few months, and Jake wouldn’t admit it to them, but just that simple act had him feeling more like himself than he had since the breakup. He had missed teasing his friends. 

The next morning he awoke to an alarm set way too early. Ugh. How did he ever consistently get up for this class? He shook his head and dragged himself out of bed. As he dressed, he thought momentarily about filling his water bottle with vodka, something that had become sort of a routine for him. He reflected on his conversation with his friends from the day before and decided that maybe he should skip it, opting for an orange soda instead. 

He brushed his teeth, mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he did. When he was done, he looked himself over in the mirror. He adjusted his hair, something he did every day, but today was different. Today, as he tugged his clothes into place and rechecked himself in the mirror, he had someone specific he wanted to impress: Amy Santiago. 

He found himself leaving the apartment early, something he never did. Again, he didn’t know why. He had already destroyed any possibility of being with her, but something about her made him want to try again. He felt excited to go to class, and he knew it had nothing to do with the actual class and everything to do with the girl that he barely knew, who he hoped he would have a chance to get much better acquainted with. 

To his surprise, when he made it to class ten minutes early, she was already seated. 

“Jake!” She sounded surprised. “Hi!” 

“Hey,” he replied with a half-hearted wave. 

“How’s your- uhm… How’s your face?”

“What do you mean?” He paused a moment, but when she just stared at him, her lips pulled into a little ‘o’ shape, he laughed and started again. “Oh,” he raised his eyebrows, “you mean from when you punched me?” He laughed a little more, turning his head to point at his jaw. There was a slight bruise present. He shrugged his shoulders. “Not too bad.” 

She flashed him a quick smile. “I wasn’t sure if you’d show up.” 

“Why- Because you punched me?” He crossed his arms across his chest mockingly. “I’ll have you know, Amy Santiago, that it takes more than physical violence to keep me away from my education.” 

She scoffed at him and rolled her eyes. It appeared that she was going to start rifling through her papers when something on Jake’s desk caught her eye. “Is that- _orange soda_?” Her eyebrows scrunched together in disgust. “It’s not even 8am.” 

He opened the cap slowly and took a long swig, adding an exaggerated ahhh when he finished. She continued glaring in his direction. “What? It’s never too early to stay hydrated.”

The tiniest hint of a laugh escaped her lips. The first time he made Amy Santiago laugh. “I guess I have to teach you more than just criminal psychology, huh?” 

He raised his eyebrows and innocently took another drink of his orange soda. She laughed more fully. Well, there goes learning. That simple sound decided it: all of his free time would be dedicated solely to hearing that laugh again. 

Class went about as you would expect it to have gone. The professor greeted him when she came in. He was pretty easy to notice, considering he was front and center with Amy Santiago. Even if he wasn’t, Amy wasn’t wrong about him talking a lot. Missing three months’ worth of class wasn’t going to stop Jake from chiming in at every possible opportunity. They were covering schizophrenia, which Jake had an extensive knowledge on, thanks to the movie A Beautiful Mind. 

As everyone was shuffling out of class, Amy was laughing with Jake. “Yeah, it turns out that movies aren’t always accurate. Can you believe it?” Thick sarcasm coated her words. 

Jake rolled his eyes for the hundredth time. “How many times do I have to say that I thought it was a documentary?”

“Mhm, whatever, Beautiful Mind.” She tilted her head toward her shoulder and smiled. “Anyway, you busy right now?”

“Oh, busy? No, why, you have something in mind?” 

“Well I was thinking if you weren’t busy, maybe we could head over to the library and talk about the logistics of this tutoring thing.”

 _Oh, man. Logistics_? He had already completely forgotten about the ‘tutoring thing.’ He felt heat rising to his face in response to his misunderstanding. He hoped she didn’t notice.

“Yeah, that sounds great! Wanna stop and grab a coffee on the way?”

Amy eyed him curiously. “I don’t know.” This simple sentence sounded very calculated, well thought out. When she didn’t add anything else to her statement, Jake spoke again. 

“Ooookay. Cool, cool, cool. No coffee, no biggie.” 

“This is just a professional relationship,” she blurted out, almost cutting him off. 

He quirked an eyebrow, his tongue darting to the corner of his lips momentarily. “So, let me get this straight. We’re on a strictly professional basis, which means that we… can’t stop and get coffee on the way to the library?”

She mirrored his expression. “Your orange soda didn’t have enough caffeine for you?” 

He took a step back, dramatically clutching his chest. “You think orange soda has caffeine in it?! I guess I have to teach you more than just criminal psychology, huh?” 

She ignored his mocking. “So you drank orange soda at 8am and it didn’t even have caffeine? What was the purpose?”

“I already told you, hydration is important. Plus, it just tastes good.” He shrugged and laughed at her disgusted face. He thought back a moment in their conversation. “Wait, professional relationship… Does that mean we can’t be friends?” 

She nodded. “That’s exactly what that means.” 

“That sounds like a challenge.” His voice almost came across as threatening.

“It’s not.” 

He blinked at her. “You’re weird. Who sets rules on who they can’t be friends with?” She ignored him. “That’s fine. Your loss. I’m a _great_ friend.” She smiled politely at him, a solid expression of ‘I’m sure you are.’ “It doesn’t matter, anyway.” 

“Oh yeah? And why is that?” They were finally making their way out of the now-empty classroom.

Jake smiled at her as he held the door open. “Because you’ll change your mind.” 

\--

“Well, what if I need extra help on a different day? Or what if you accidentally stick my book in your bag and then I can’t study for the final? Or if I’m stuck somewhere and I can’t make it to our meeting? It wouldn’t be very professional of me to just not show up when we had plans, would it?”

He really did talk a lot. 

She shrugged. “I don’t think any of those things will happen, but if they do, it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe I’ll give you my email-”

“Maybe?”

“If I take your book, I know where your apartment is, so I can just drop it off. If you don’t show up for one of our meetings, I’ll just use the time to study for my owns tests. See? No problem.”

He slumped his shoulders down, dangling his coffee by the lid as he groaned loudly toward the sky. 

“Oh my god, Jake,” she mumbled. “What are you, seven?” 

“What? No! That was clearly twelve! Do you want to see seven? I can bring seven.” His arms folded over his chest, a matter-of-fact expression coloring his face.

She worked to suppress a smile. She didn’t understand before. They had only really known each other for two days now and she was already falling right into his trap. She felt a little flutter in her stomach when he had told her she would change her mind about being his friend. 

The truth is that Jake Peralta came with a reputation. Stories about him preceded him, and while she did notice that the cute, goofy guy in her psychology class had fallen off the face of the earth, the real reason that she accepted Dr. Phillips’ request was because of Jake’s reputation. He was right, there was a challenge here for her. The challenge was to figure out how Jake got all those girls from the stories into the situations they talked about. 

Challenge accepted, challenge completed. He was charming. He was funny. He was _attractive_. Like, the goofy, cute, but also somehow sexy attractive? He was just tall enough to be considered “tall” by conventional standards. His hair was just long enough that it presented the most adorable little curls she had ever seen, jumbled in the perfect mess on top of his head. When his lips pulled into a crooked smile, it consistently brought a smile to her face, too. She found herself biting her lip to suppress it more and more often. 

This is exactly how he pulled those girls in. Hell, he was doing it to her now. He was sweet. He listened when you spoke and remembered things that you said, often playfully using them against you later in the conversation. His quips came almost automatically. He didn’t even have to put any effort into being funny. The chemistry that drew up between them was undeniable, but she had a feeling that he had the ability to create that chemistry with anyone. 

The challenge quickly changed from figuring out how he got those girls to figuring out how to not _become_ one of those girls. She had heard the stories. He was _so_ sweet, right up until he got you in bed. She had had enough bad romantic experiences, and she didn’t plan on letting Jake turn her into another notch in his bedpost. 

“Well, Amy Santiago-”

“Why do you keep doing that?” The question was genuine.

“Doing what?”

“Calling me by my first and last name? You don’t have to do that.” 

“Oh.” He looked down, then appeared to be thinking about it. “I don’t know. I don’t think I realized I was doing it. It just sounds nice all together like that.” 

God, what a stupid compliment. Why was that making her smile? 

“Well, _Ames_ ,” he corrected. There was no suppressing her smile at that. She tried to turn her head, but she was sure that he caught her expression before she hid it. No one had ever called her that before. They had just officially met and he already had a special nickname for her, just between them. He chuckled softly. “What exactly _is_ a friend?” His voice changed, taking on a sort of Shakespearean quality as he continued. “I would theorize that a friend is someone who you share things with. Secrets, snacks, feelings.” A brief, pointed pause. “Well, Amy Santiago- I’m sorry, _Ames_ , perhaps you will not be my friend, but you can’t stop _me_ from being yours.” 

“Whom,” she corrected. 

“ _Yours_ , Santiago. Don’t you listen?” He tsked her. As she had found herself doing a lot that day, she rolled her eyes. They were almost to the library now. “So, what would you like to hear about first? How I got this scar on my forehead? My third grade teacher that I had a mad crush on--Mr. Hatcher?” He raised his eyebrows at her, her expression giving away how the _Mr_. portion caught her attention, but she didn’t say anything. “My relationship and-or-slash breakup with Sophia?”

She stopped walking. He smiled, a touch of sadness in his eyes. “Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!” His laugh sounded distant, much different from the laugh she had been hearing from him throughout the morning. 

“You don’t have to,” she smiled reassuringly. 

“How else will we become friends?” She didn’t have an answer to that question. She had meant what she said about keeping their relationship professional, but he was already making that very hard for her. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to be his friend. She was really enjoying spending the day with him. His voice brought her back out of her thoughts. 

“We were together for six years.” He paused for a long time. He walked over and sat on a nearby bench. She followed along with him, sitting in the space next to him. Her eyes met his as she actively listened to his story. “I was only fifteen when we got together. She’s a year older than me.” He shrugged. “Y’know. She was my first… everything. My first love, my first time, my first real girlfriend. I mean, I had kissed a few girls before her, but… I don’t know. She was the real deal.” 

He looked down at the ground, idly kicking at a rock that lay by his feet. 

“So, you know, she’s a part of every memory I’ve had for the past six years. All of high school and all of college, so far. We’re going to different schools and all, but I had given up a lot for our relationship. So many nights when I sacrificed time with my friends or things that I wanted to do to make things work with her.” He shook his head. “She got more and more distant as time went on. I dropped by to surprise her at her apartment one day, walked in to find her, mouth full of some other guy’s dick.”

Amy’s mouth fell open. He laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I looked like, too.” 

He stared off for a few minutes, both of them silent. 

“I told her I would forgive her, we could work things out. She didn’t want that. She said we were too different.” He shrugged again. “This was three months ago.”

Three months ago. When he stopped showing up to class. A few weeks before the stories about him started swirling around campus. She felt like such an asshole. How could she have ignored the most important rule from library camp? Never judge a book by its cover. That’s exactly what she did with Jake. In fact, that’s the only reason she’s sitting here with Jake at all. 

He looked at her, the sadness she had seen in his eyes before touching all over his face. He gave her a weak smile. “I’ve never actually told anyone all of that before. Everyone I’m close to in my life was there for the fallout. They heard bits and pieces, but I’ve never actually come out and said it all before.” He shrugged again, his crooked smile returning to its place. “And that’s when I spiralled. And here we are.” 

She was quiet for a moment, but she turned to face him. “Thank you for you telling me all of that, Jake.” 

He smiled a little wider. “You’re welcome, Ames.” 

Even after his story, she hated to admit it. She _would_ change her mind. Maybe they could be friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing Gina and Charles in this chapter!! I hope I did them justice. I definitely want to further explore Jake's dynamic with his friends throughout this fic. We stan a good friendship. 
> 
> Tell me what you think!!


	3. A Recipe for Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Amy spend a little more time together. Amy gets advice from Kylie as she tries to sort out her confusing feelings for Jake. 
> 
> Title which took me literally forever to choose and is maybe a little bit irrelevant???? is from the oldest All Time Low song I could think of, Circles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly just bridging me to a chapter that I've been _dying_ to write. It may or may not feature a certain four-drink-Amy.

Distance. She needed to distance herself from him. It was so easy to be objective when they weren’t together, but every time they were seated together at their table in the library, the line of _friends_ in her head got a little blurrier. 

She had made the mistake of giving in and giving him her phone number. _What was the harm_? The harm, she now knew, was that he had access to her at all times of the day. Even when she didn’t respond, he would send her funny videos or pictures, or even just a random funny story. And even when she didn’t respond, she couldn’t help but to rush to her phone to see what he had sent. It was difficult to get distance when he was always there, always ready to talk.

She felt so conflicted. If they had met in another circumstance, she might actually like him. Like, actually like him in a way where she would pursue it, not in a way that made her feel like she should stop what she was doing and reverse all the way back to when she agreed to do this. 

That wasn’t fair. She was glad she had agreed to do this. If for no other reason than because Jake was doing so well. He was goofy and sometimes he was annoying, but he was also really smart. Looking at him, that wouldn’t have been an attribute that came to mind. He really was going through something, and he really needed her to help him through it. If she hadn’t agreed to help, maybe he would still be dedicating his days to drunkenly finding new women to pursue. She knows about this because he told her. He somehow _never_ stopped telling her about himself, she assumed in his efforts to start the friendship that she was trying so hard to ignore.

The conflicted feeling was back. She wanted to be his friend, but she didn’t trust him enough to do it. They had been meeting for three weeks, now. At first, they agreed to only meet on Mondays and Wednesdays after class. They followed this schedule for the first week, spending way more time than they intended with one another, joking and teasing each other between studying. 

After he got her phone number, he proposed that they add an extra day. He was free on Thursdays around dinner time. She agreed, and that’s how they started their weekly pizza study dates- _not dates_. They weren’t dates. They were _meetings_. Weekly pizza _meetings_. Weekly pizza sessions? Whatever. But they _weren’t_ dates. 

Sometimes they felt like dates. It was only the second week, but it was feeling like one of those moments right now. Jake had picked up the pizza on the way to the library and when Amy arrived, he was already sprawled out on one of the library’s third floor couches. Thursdays were reserved for the third floor, because for some reason, the typically busy third floor was completely empty on Thursdays. Jake suggested that they have a change of scenery for their Thursday da- _sessions_.

He was on the floor, his head leaned back against the couch where Amy was perched. He had just finished his third slice of pizza and was wiping his greasy fingers on his jeans as he spoke. 

“So, when a person’s serotonin receptors aren’t working right, that can cause them to do impulsive things? That’s crazy.” He paused and looked at her seriously. “Do you think my serotonin is okay?”

She laughed. “Yeah, Jake. I’m sure your serotonin is fine. I think this refers to more serious cases. It’s something they’ve noticed among serial killers.”

“ _Serial killers_? That is _so_ cool. You know, it’s been my dream to catch a serial killer since I was like, four?”

“That’s… disturbing?” She laughed. “What four year old even knows about serial killers?” He shrugged, but didn’t add anything else to the conversation. “How do you plan on catching a serial killer?”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know, I guess when I’m a cop.” 

“A cop?” 

“Yeah. I’m going to join the academy when I graduate.” He smiled, but then the smile faltered a little. “ _If_ I graduate.”

“Jake, you’re going to graduate. I guess I just didn’t picture you as a cop.”

“Oh yeah? What did you picture me as?” He raised his arm, flexing his bicep. “A super hot body builder? A hand model?” He wiggled his fingers in front of her face. “A _model_ model?” 

She rolled her eyes at him before laughing. “I don’t know. Maybe a comedian.”

“Amy!” He sniffled back fake tears, an exaggerated voice overcoming him. “You think I’m funny? That is so nice.” She smacked him on the shoulder, once again laughing at him. He shifted to a more serious tone. “What about you? What are you planning on doing with that art history major?” 

She looked down at the back of his head, silent for a moment while she thought. He tipped his head back further so that he was practically upside-down, staring at her patiently. His head was now leaning against her thigh. 

“I don’t really know,” Amy finally said. 

“I’m sorry…………. Did you say… You _don’t know_?” His words were littered with lengthy pauses. He had now turned completely to face her, planting his elbows on the couch and supporting his head with his hands as he looked up at her. “I can’t imagine that you don’t have your life planned out. You’ve planned out every second since I’ve met you, and you’ve stuck to it almost to a ridiculous extent.” 

“I’m here with you right now, aren’t I? I didn’t plan to have study dates on Thursdays, but I agreed. I didn’t plan that out, you did.”

Jake was looking at her, a look that she couldn’t identify on his face. After staring at her way too long, she finally interrupted his thoughts with a, “What?”

“Study dates,” he said. “You called them study _dates_. Not meetings.” He shrugged. “I just thought that was weird.” 

She felt the blush rising to her face. “I did not!”

“Y-” He paused and closed his mouth. “Okay,” he said matter-of-factly. He turned back around and pulled his book into his lap. 

“This is exactly why I wanted to keep our relationship professional,” Amy mumbled. 

Jake turned and looked at her, his eyebrows wrinkled together. “Why?” She just shook her head, pulling her own book into her lap. He slid his book onto the floor, making a loud clunk sound. 

“Shhh,” she whispered. “We’re in a library.” 

“Nobody’s even here! Why exactly did you want to keep our relationship professional?” He asked again. 

She scoffed at him, but didn’t speak. She could think of a million reasons to keep their relationship professional. Like-

Well, actually… 

“Of course you’re not going to answer me. That would be ‘breaching the line between professionalism and friendship,’” his voice was stoic, mocking. “Couldn’t have that, now, could we?” He paused long enough to sigh frustratedly, then picked back up where he left off. “God, you know, Amy? There is such a thing as friendly _and_ professional. Like work colleagues? You can be both. You don’t have to be professional _or_ my friend. You don’t have to be my tutor _or_ my friend. You can be my friend, who is also my tutor and who is also _very_ professional.” 

Amy was quiet. He opened his book up and began scanning the page. He wasn’t wrong. She was actually just thinking something very similar to herself when he started speaking. The only real reason she could think of to not be friends with Jake is that a friendship would be one step closer to a relationship. And maybe that his reputation could have an effect on her own reputation. But if that was the case, she was already spending a lot of time with him out in public. People were sure to have seen them together. They would have no context on the situation, so they would probably just assume they were friends. So really, that means the only reason is the relationship thing. And Jake might not even like her like that. He probably didn’t like her like that. Which is… good. It’s _good_ that Jake Peralta isn’t romantically interested in you, Amy. _Obviously_. Because you have a professional relationship with him. 

“You’re just really not gonna say anything?” Jake was still staring down at his book, but his voice gave away that he was really annoyed. Or hurt? She couldn’t tell. 

“I thought you were reading,” Amy said truthfully.

Jake made an offended sound at her, turning slightly so she could see his face. “ _Of course_ I’m not reading, Amy. I’m being a bitch!” 

She sighed. “You’re kind of right.”

“Kind of?”

“We can be work colleagues.” 

“So… friends?”

“Work colleagues. Friendly, but professional.” 

Jake appeared to be thinking it over. He finally nodded, accepting her offer. 

\--

“I don’t know, Kylie. I don’t know what the problem is.”

“I do,” Kylie replied back. She didn’t even turn away from her computer to look at Amy as she spoke. “You like him.”

“I do _not_. I barely even know him.” 

“Mhm. I can hear you blushing right now.” She swiveled in her chair dramatically. “And there it is, like I said.” 

Amy covered her face. “He’s had sex with like half the girls you walk past. That’s true for any place that you walk through on campus.” 

Kylie nodded. “Yeah. And you’ve had sex with a few people, too. And it sounds like that isn’t necessarily his style when he’s more _himself_.” 

“So what are you saying? I should tell him I like him?”

“Amy, woah. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. I’m saying: be his friend. Let him be your friend. He sounds like a good one.” 

“What if he’s just saying all this stuff? What if he doesn’t actually want to be my friend, he just wants to fuck me? That’s how the stories sound.” 

“Girl. You’ve been studying with him for almost a month. If he’s putting in all that time and work just to fuck you, he must have heard some magical stories about _that thing_ ,” she pointed to where Amy’s legs were crossed, “that I haven’t heard.” 

Amy clamped her legs together, crossing her arms to match. Kylie laughed before continuing. “Besides, you said you haven’t heard any other stories about him since you started hanging out. Don’t you think that means he stopped sleeping around when he met you? Could mean something.” 

Amy groaned, leaning back on Kylie’s bed. 

“You know what I think? I think you should go to that party.” 

Amy’s eyes grew wide. “You think I should go to a party? What exactly will that solve?” 

“Well, first, it’s a few weeks away still. That means that you have time to change your mind. He told you about it already, so he obviously really wants you there. It’s for his birthday, so it would be nice if you went.” She clasped her hands together in her lap. “More importantly, it will give you a chance to meet his friends. They will be able to tell you more about him and they won’t necessarily have the same motive as he does. With enough people around, you might be able to piece together a portrait of him. See if it matches the person you’re getting to know.” 

“Like a detective?” Amy asked rhetorically. Her mind was on Jake again. A detective. He would like that. He was on her mind a lot for someone she had only just recently met. “Fine. Maybe you’re right. I’ll think about it.” 

Kylie turned back around in her chair, continuing to do whatever homework she had been working on previously. 

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Amy announced as she was already on her way to the door. Kylie nodded in her direction and mumbled a goodbye, an added direction to let her know when she got there safe. 

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to be alone, but she had a lot of thinking to do. Kylie was right. The party wasn’t for another two and a half weeks. Nothing was set in stone. She didn’t even have to tell him that she was planning on going. If she wanted to go, she would. If not, she’d just skip it. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go. The look on his face alone made her want to go. He looked so excited when he told her about it and when she mentioned that parties weren’t really her thing, he didn’t try to hide his disappointment at all. She wasn’t lying, though. It wasn’t a ploy to distance herself from him. The big groups always gave her anxiety. People always acted so dumb at parties. Nobody’s ever in control of themselves. There just wasn’t any part of the situation that appealed to her.

Except Jake. 

That’s the thought that she fell asleep on. Kylie was right. She had had sex with a few people, but it had been a while for her. She laid in her bed, lights off, alone with her thoughts. They were quickly going places that she did not welcome. Jake, raising his eyebrows suggestively at her when he made one of those stupid sex tape jokes. Him leaning his head against her thigh during their study date, turning his face to press his lips against the bare skin he found there. His hand pressing over her mouth to muffle the sounds she was making because _Shhh, Ames, we’re in the library_. She wanted so badly to reach into her drawer, to pull out the little blue vibrator that she knew was in there, neglected, but she couldn’t. She _wouldn’t_. 

Unprofessional. 

She tried her hardest to ignore him the next few days. She did her best not to think about him, about the party, or even about the class that they shared together. Really that meant that she just didn’t have her phone on her at all, because she didn’t have the heart to block his number, even if it was just for a few days. She didn’t even know what she wanted, but she knew that being around him would sway her decision in a very specific direction. 

When she arrived for class on Monday, Jake was already seated, toying with a string on his sleeve. He didn’t look up when she walked in, but he flashed her a warm smile when she slid into the seat next to him. 

“You have a good weekend?” His voice was sleepy, but clear. 

She smiled. “Mhm, it was okay.” 

“ _Just okay_?” He was looking at her incredulously, waiting for a particular response, she gathered. She tilted her head, willing him to go on. “Did you see what I texted you?” She shook her head slowly. “God, Amy!!” She had learned that _Amy_ was reserved for when he was frustrated or annoyed with her. Typically he went for _Ames_ , unless he was specifically teasing her about something, and then it was always _Santiago_. Whatever they were, colleagues or friends, they were falling into a clear rhythm with one another. It often felt like they had known each other much longer than they really had.

He sighed. “Look, I know you don’t always respond to me, but I thought you at least _read_ what I sent you.” He took out his phone, scrolling through until he found the text he was looking for. _Cop movie marathon. They saved the best for last. Fargo, Lethal Weapon, Training Day_. Followed by another text. _Then Die Hard. The best. Channel 126. Watch with me_?

They had discussed the best cop movies a few sessions ago, bickering over what the true best cop film of all time was. The argument lasted for most of their session, with a few psychology facts being thrown around throughout the cop debate. 

“I’m sorry, Jake. I just had a really busy weekend.” She hoped that he couldn’t see the blush coloring her cheeks. If he did, he didn’t say anything. The rest of the class started filing in, so they quieted down. Jake’s gaze rested back on the stray string that he had been trying to pull before Amy interrupted him. She watched him from the corner of her eye. He didn’t glance back at her. She felt so _dumb_. So many of her thoughts were dedicated to him and she was sure it was one-sided. He was just a friend. She was sure. 

\--

“Aaaaames,” he whined at her, leaning his head on the table to look at her. “It would be so fun if you made it to the party! Please, I would be so happy!” 

She groaned lightly. “Yeah, I know.” 

“Soooo, does that mean yes?” 

“Here. I’ll make you a deal.” He sat back up, quirking an eyebrow curiously. She tapped on the book in front of her. “You get a 95% or above on the final, and I’ll go to your party.”

“What!? A 95? You know I’m not going to get a 95.” He groaned, pouting his lips at her. “That’s not even fair!”

She pressed her hand to her chest in mock offense. “I would like to think I’m a good enough tutor that you could pass with 100%.” She laughed before continuing. “If you don’t think you’re ready, I guess we’ll have to work overtime to get you there.”

“Work overtime to get you there, title of your sex tape,” he mumbled defeatedly. 

She ignored him, opting instead to start quizzing him. While she really didn’t want to go to the party, she secretly hoped he’d win this bet. Maybe just because she wanted to be reassured that she was a good tutor. Maybe because she just wanted him to be successful. _Or maybe, just maybe_ , the little voice in her head screamed, _because you want to spend time with him in a way that is **un** professional_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let a girl know what you think. In detail. 
> 
> Thanks!


	4. Hold Me Til the Morning Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake's birthday party!
> 
> Chapter title from some random song that they always play at my job. No clue what the song is though, oop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I a little bit love this chapter. 
> 
> Hope y'all love it, too. Four-drink-Amy before we know that there's such a thing as four-drink-Amy. Also, hella smart Amy, even when she's reckless and four drinks in. My spirit-animal. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“So, what does it say?” Amy asked excitedly. They were back up on the third floor, sans the pizza. She was stretched out, her sock-clad feet underneath his thigh for warmth as he pulled up his grades on his laptop. Her knees were bent and she leaned forward so she could see his screen, too. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” he warned, turning his screen away from her. “Academic grades are private, Santiago.” She leaned back away when he scolded her, flopping into some of the decorative pillows. It was a Thursday, again. The third floor was empty, again. And Amy’s head was flashing back to that daydream, again. She wiggled her toes underneath him, which judging by the jump he did, tickled. 

Jake and Amy had been spending time together for a little over a month, now. Though Amy never used the word aloud, they were clearly friends. The sheer proximity between them, Amy’s feet tucked comfortably underneath him was proof. 

He flashed her a disappointed look. “Well, you’re not gonna like this. Looks like you have to pick out an outfit to wear to my party tomorrow! Ya man got a ninety-fuckin-sevennnnn.” He stretched out his words, making air horn sounds with his mouth. 

“What?! Jake, that’s great!” She leaned forward again and grabbed his arm lightly, reassuringly. “I mean, the grade thing, not the party thing.”

“But a bet’s a bet, Santiago. And now you have to come to my party.” His smile was so wide that she couldn’t help but to smile back. The party, and his actual birthday, were the following day. “But don’t worry, you don’t have to get me a gift. Just your presence will be enough.” 

“What about the rest of your classes?” 

Jake smiled. “Passed. All of them. Although that physics gen-ed that I put off was a close call.” 

“I’m so proud of you!” 

He smiled. “Thank you. Now I have a serious question- Do you need help picking out your outfit? Cause I’m available.”

She glared at him. “I think I can manage on my own, thank you.” 

They stayed at the library for a while, discussing the classes that they were both taking during the summer semester. Amy convinced Jake to take a few summer classes because it’ll get you closer to graduating faster!, but if he was being honest, he was really only doing it so that he could keep having study dates, yes, he called them dates, with his work colleague. He made a point of calling her his work colleague, as she had still never upgraded him to friend status. And honestly, he could care less. Sitting with her on the third floor of the quiet library, her toes curled underneath his leg comfortably while they talked about nothing was all he could ask for. If this is what being a work colleague was, she could call him that. Fuck, if she wanted to call him the _hamburglar_ , he didn’t care. As long as the title came with this.

Jake had lots of friends. He even had quite a few close friends. But there was something different about his relationship with Amy. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something about it, or maybe something about her had him always thinking, always trying to do more, to be better. And it just seemed so stupid. She clearly wasn’t interested in him romantic stylez, even if they did fall into a sort of flirtatious rhythm when they were together. When they weren’t together, she basically pretended he didn’t exist. 

Which is exactly why he was taking more classes. The proximity. Being around her, being her friend. In class. During the _summer_. God, who was he? Who was she turning him into? 

After a while, Amy excused herself under the guise of ‘picking out that outfit for his party.’ He tried to tag along, but she shook him off, suggesting that she didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Of course this got him thinking about all the different outfits she could wear that would surprise him, which immediately got really real and even though she was walking away, he was feeling guilty for thinking about her that way, especially in front of her. 

He found himself back at his apartment, excitedly sharing the news with Gina that Amy would be attending the party. 

“Great! Is she going to bring her textbooks with her?” Gina asked in mock excitement, a bored expression across her features. 

“Shut up,” Jake grumbled at her. “I don’t know, G. I like her.” He shrugged. “I don’t know if she likes me, but…” 

“Well, hey. Do you! If you’re attracted to a walking bookmark, that’s your prerogative.” She ignored the annoyed look that Jake shot at her. “But seriously. You seem like you’ve been doing a lot better since you started hanging around her.”

Jake shrugged again. “I’m feeling a lot better. I don’t know what it is.” 

Gina sighed. “God, you know… It’s just gotta be the bookmark thing.” 

\--

The next day, Jake was feeling a bit anxious as he waited for his guests’ arrival. Well, more specifically, one guest. His friends were all trailing into the apartment, and as he greeted them, he couldn’t help but to glance at the clock. 

-9:05  
-9:06  
-9:07

Where was Amy? She hadn’t been late a single time in all of the time he had known her. Granted, he hadn’t known her _that_ long, but it still seemed out of character for her. 

-9:08  
-9:09  
-9:10

The apartment was slowly filling with people, but none of the faces were the familiar one that he was looking for. He should text her. Wait, no… He shouldn’t text her. Why would he text her? Was she even going to come? She didn’t want to come in the first place. She probably wasn’t going to show. And he couldn’t be mad at her for that. She said that parties made her uncomfortable. Why was he even trying to make her do something that made her uncomfortable? What kind of friend- work colleague- whatever- did that?

Finally, as he was about to give himself an entire panic attack (self-diagnosed, because he had passed a psychology class, so his Beautiful Mind could recognize the symptoms), Amy walked through the door. She was wearing a red dress. The bottom, cutting off mid-thigh, clung to her curves, while the top was just baggy enough to reveal a little bit of cleavage. Jake stared in her direction, trying his best to keep a good poker face, but _ohmygod whywouldshewearthat_? Professional who? 

The next thing Jake saw was the uneasy look on her face. She was biting her lip in a way that must have hurt, staring uncomfortably at all of the people filling the room. She was scanning the room, he could only assume looking for him. His heart fluttered when she recognized him in the sea of people, her features softening immediately as she beelined to him. 

“Jake! Hi!” She leaned in for a hug that almost made him uncomfortable, based solely on the fact this is the least-clothed he had ever seen her and also the most-hugged by her he had ever been. She pushed her arm forward, a silver gift bag dangling from her wrist. “This is for you!” 

“Ames! You shouldn’t have!” He took the bag carefully and opened it, pulling out… a bottle of Orangina? He smiled quizzically at her. 

“It’s orange soda!” 

Jake laughed. “No, Ames, it’s not. But it’s the thought that counts. I love it!”

“What do you mean? Orangina is orange soda.” 

Jake almost choked on his laughter. “Amy, Orangina is _not_ orange soda!” 

“Okay, I’ll give you this one because it’s your birthday, but this conversation is not over.” 

Jake smiled. “I’m glad you came.” 

“I’m glad you came, title of your sex tape,” she quipped back. 

Jake was stunned. “Who _are_ you?” 

\--

About an hour had passed. Jake had been mingling among all of his friends. He would sweep the room, periodically making his way back to Amy. He could tell, as he obsessively glanced back to her while he was mid-conversation with other friends, that she was uncomfortable. She travelled over to Charles and Gina, speaking with them for a moment. Jake was trying his hardest to get out of the conversation he was in, to save Amy from Gina. Or Charles. Really, he wasn’t sure who was the worse option among the two of them. 

Suddenly, there was a commotion. People started running across the apartment, everyone yelling. He couldn’t tell what was happening. They were all rushing toward Amy, Charles, and Gina. He lost sight of them. The people he was talking to had turned toward the sound, so Jake took that as his cue to make an escape. He ran toward the clump of people, anxiously scanning for Amy, who he had seen looking anxious herself even before the mob ran at her. What was everyone even doing? 

A fight. He could see a fight between two people he didn’t even recognize. They were throwing punches. Then, before he could even address that problem, he saw Amy. Way too close to them, and way too upset for his liking. He pushed through the crowd, grabbing her and pulling her with him back to the edge of the group. She was breathing hard, hyperventilating, he thought. The music was loud, and the people were louder, and Amy was upset. Amy was maybe having an actual panic attack. He was trying to talk to her, but he was sure she couldn’t hear him over all of the other sounds around them. 

Without thinking, he placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her into his bedroom. He shut the door behind them. Then, before either of them had a chance to work through the action, he was guiding her into his closet, shutting that door behind them too so that there was another layer between them and the music. He pulled the string of the light, giving them a better visual of the room. It was a walk in closet, and it was pretty spacious. There was a large, rounded wing chair that Gina had insisted he put in there when they moved in. He had sat in it maybe once, but he was grateful for Gina’s persistence now. 

He guided Amy into the chair, kneeling next to her as she struggled to steady her breathing. She closed her eyes and he worked to find something to help her. His voice was low, trying to be calming. 

“Hey, Ames, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m sorry.” She still struggled to breathe. He reached up and touched her face, tucking her hair behind her ear. He flashed back to the day they had met, the day she punched him for doing the same thing. “Shit,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, don’t hit me.”

She laughed a little. “No. Don’t stop, it helped.” 

He obeyed, tracing his fingers back along her cheek as he spoke softly to her. “Everything is fine. You don’t have to worry about any of that. You’re in here now. You’re safe.”

She pressed her hand on his, against her face. Her breathing was slowing. She opened her eyes slowly, looking at him and flashing him a weak smile. He smiled back. The moment was suddenly feeling way too intimate, but he didn’t remove his hand. He wanted to lean in, to press his lips against hers. He stared at the shadows that the pale light cast on her face. 

Finally, instead of doing something stupid, he said something stupid. “Panic attacks.”

She moved away from him slightly, his hand falling off of her face. “What?” 

“I- Uh… I don’t know. I said ‘panic attacks.’ I was thinking about our psychology class…” He sat back on the floor, moving further away from her in the small space. He scratched his head. 

She smiled again, but less genuinely. “It’s not, uh- It’s more like social anxiety,” she said quietly. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that when I invited you?” Jake was concerned now, his eyebrow furrowed in thought. “You didn’t have to come here for me.” 

“I wanted to.” She shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier once I’m in the situation. I have to challenge myself sometimes. It wasn’t too bad until-”

“I don’t even know who those guys are.” He shook his head angrily. 

“It was easy as soon as I saw you.”

He looked up at her, silent.

She looked away quickly. “I don’t know if I can go back out there.” 

“Have you had anything to drink?” His question was abrupt. 

“What? No? I’m twenty.” 

Jake looked at her carefully. “Okay… so?”

“So I’m not old enough to drink.”

“So you’ve never been drunk?” 

“No,” Amy’s tone was careful and slow. 

“Okay, look.” Jake sighed. “I’m not telling you what to do. I want you to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If that means leaving, I will take you home right now. But for me, it helps if I drink a little.”

“For you?” 

“Yeah. In the big groups, when I get a little stressed. I mean, I haven’t been diagnosed with anything, so I don’t know if it’s really the same… But if you wanted to try it- drinking, I mean. I’ll stay sober and take care of you.” 

“No, Jake. It’s your birthday. You should have fun.”

He smiled. “I’ll be hanging out with you. Of course I’ll have fun. Just tell me what you want to do.” 

“I don’t know,” she trailed off. 

“Do you trust me?” He looked into her eyes as he asked. 

She was quiet a moment. “Honestly, I’m not sure.” 

He felt his heart sink a little, but he maintained his eye contact. “Well you can, if you want to. Whatever you want.” 

She stared back at him, searching his face for something. After a lengthy, but comfortable silence, she simply said, “Okay.” 

She stood up and extended a hand to him, pulling him up until he was standing too close to her. He continued facing her, so close that he couldn’t turn around. He kept her eye contact as he snaked his hand behind him, locating the doorknob and backing out of the closet slowly, with Amy following. She smiled when she got into his room. The music was a little less muffled through only the bedroom door. She started traipsing around his bedroom, looking at the various little knick-knacks and pictures he had throughout the room. 

“Here,” Jake said. “How about I go get you something to drink and you can hang out and look at all of this stuff? That way you don’t have to go back out into the party without it.”

She turned to look at him. “That sounds great.” 

He bit his lip as he watched the fabric of her dress move with her body as she sat down on the edge of his bed. A view he could definitely get used to. “Lock the door when I leave,” he instructed. “Apparently I don’t know everybody that’s here.” She nodded, and with that, he left the room. 

“Where’s Amy?” Charles asked when he saw Jake. 

“In my room-”

“Oooooh,” Gina crowed. “Getting that book out of her cover, huh? Get it, girl!”

Jake made a face. “Ewh, Gina, gross. And no, it’s not like that. I’m just grabbing her a drink, we’re gonna hang out in there for a while.” 

“Okay, Jakey.” Charles patted him on the shoulder. “Use protection! I just met her. I don’t know her well enough yet to tell if she’s the one.” 

Jake rolled his eyes and moved past his friends to track down some sort of liquor. He returned to his bedroom door, kicking it lightly as a method of knocking. He heard some shuffling, and then Amy opened the door. He was holding a bottle of vodka, a bottle of wine, some orange juice, and a cup. He smiled widely as he moved past her. She shut the door once he was in and moved back to sit on his bed. He could see that she had been organizing the mess of papers on his desk before he returned. 

“Okay,” he set all of the bottles and the cup on the desk, then turned around to lock the door. When he turned back, he saw her uncomfortably eyeing the doorknob, lock turned into place. “Oh… I just figured that way nobody will barge in here trying to find some place to f-” He paused, deciding if he should finish that word. “I can unlock it if that would make you feel more comfortable, though.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I think I’m just a little nervous.” 

“You don’t have to do this, Ames,” he reassured her. “Say the word and we’ll leave the alcohol here and I’ll take you home.” 

She looked curiously at the bottles he had set down. “I’ll try that wine.” 

\--

About half an hour later, she was two drinks in. She was getting a little loud as she spoke to him. They were both seated on her bed. She had her feet in his lap and he was idly rubbing them as she talked to him. Their relationship felt weird to him. Sometimes they really did feel like work colleagues and nothing more. Other times, like now, it felt like they had skipped over a huge chunk of time and they were married, relaxing in bed and talking about their days. He just felt so comfortable around her, and he wanted to help her feel comfortable, too. He was feeling especially bad about making her come to the party, so when she scooched closer to him and propped her feet up on his thigh, he figured he would rub away the stress that the heels had likely worn into her feet. 

They talk a little bit more, about things they hadn’t really shared before. He learned that she was allergic to dogs, but she thought they were so cute. He explained that he was allergic to bees, so that’s why he ran away when there was a bee, not because he was scared. Somehow, like always, they got back to talking about their class.

“What do you mean you’ve never seen the Shining?” Amy asked loudly. She was sipping on her third drink. She pulled her feet away from him, moving to lean against the wall next to him. “We watched it in class. I know you missed that day, but I thought you would have seen it before.”

“I don’t really like scary movies,” he admitted. 

“What?! Wow. And you think you know a person.” She laughed, then turned to look at him. “But seriously, you should watch it. It’s good. And it’s more than just a scary movie. It’s actually a book, too. I figured you’d be more likely to watch the movie than to read the book.” She flashed him a knowing glance, finishing the rest of her drink before continuing. “But the main character shows a lot of symptoms of some psychological disorders. And with the plot, it relates a lot to criminal and forensic psychology specifically.” 

“Hmm. Maybe I will watch it sometime. But you might have to watch it with me so I don’t get too scared.” 

She smiled. “Deal.” She turned to the door for a moment, feeling the vibrations from the loud music. “You really don’t have to do this,” she said quietly. Her words were a little slurred. “You should go back to your party, Jake.”

“Amy,” he said sternly. She frowned at the name. “There is no place I would rather be than right here with you.” 

She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. Jake didn’t know what was happening. Were they finally letting go of the professional relationship now that their class was over? Was this because she was drinking? She put on that outfit before she started drinking. He glanced down at what she was wearing. She picked up the bottle and poured herself a fourth glass of wine. 

“Ames, are you sure?” He looked concerned. “You don’t really have a tolerance for alcohol, yet. Maybe we should just take it easy for a while.” 

She smiled and raised the glass to her lips. When she pulled it back away, she looked like she was going to speak, but the song change caught her attention. A laugh bubbled out of her lips. “Who chose this playlist?”

Jake gasped, “I’m sorry… Are you dissing Taylor Swift?” 

_The way you move is like a full on rainstorm,_  
And I’m a house of cards  
You’re the kind of reckless that should send me running  
But I kinda know that I won’t get far 

Jake moved away from her, standing up and holding out his hand. She looked at him, an eyebrow raised. “C’mon. Let’s dance. I’ve noticed you dancing and swaying to the music over there.”

She laughed, but didn’t move. “So you like Taylor Swift and you dance? I don’t know how to dance.”

He smirked at her. “Mhm. I’m full of surprises. C’mon.” 

_Meet me in the pouring rain_  
Kiss me on the sidewalk  
Take away the pain 

She tipped her glass up, finishing her fourth drink. She extended her hand out for him to take and allowed him to help her stand, bringing her closer to him. This song wasn’t exactly perfect for a slow dance, but that’s exactly what he was going to do. 

“I figured you’ve been spending so much time teaching me, maybe it’s time I teach you something.”

He placed his right hand on her waist to guide her, taking her right hand in his left. He shrugged his right shoulder a few times until she got the hint and placed her free hand there. They listened to the music as she followed his lead, moving in step with him, only stumbling a few times. 

_My mind forgets to remind me, you’re a bad idea_  
You touch me once and it's really something  
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be  
I'm on my guard for the rest of the world  
But with you I know it’s no good  
And I could wait patiently  
But I really wish you would 

Drop everything now

Jake stopped moving, keeping his hand on her waist, but looking down at her as he spoke. “See, it’s not so hard.” He looked down at her red-wine-stained lips, the fullness of them distracting him. “I-”

She stretched up, softly pressing her lips to his. He froze. He hadn’t expected her to kiss him and without even realizing it, he was dropping his hand from her waist and backing up. 

“Amy, uh- Ames, I-” he stammered as he tried to think. She had looked away. 

“I’m gonna leave,” her words were really slurring now. She sounded hurt and she looked embarrassed. 

“Wait, Ames. Let me at least take you home. You’re drunk.” 

She held her hand up to him. “No. You stay here. I’m going home.” She unlocked the door and ran through it, leaving him there alone.

 _Fuck. Fuck_. You got Amy drunk and she kissed you and you? What the fuck? He stood there for a moment, before realizing. Amy’s drunk and you just let her walk away, to walk herself home in the middle of the night. Alone.

He grabbed his jacket and started out the door, hoping she would still be in sight when he made it outside. He didn’t speak to anyone as he left. He wanted to give her the space that she had asked for, but he also didn’t want her to get abducted in the middle of the night when he could have been there to stop it. He felt especially weird about following her home because he hadn’t been to her home before. What if she didn’t even want him to know where she lived?

He shook the thought off. Her safety was more important than that small detail. Once she was at the building, he would turn around. He wouldn’t watch to see what door she went into. It would be fine. 

He sighed quietly, relieved when he saw the bright fabric of her dress illuminated by the street lights a few yards ahead of him. He waited a moment, letting her put a bit more distance between them before he continued on. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t shake the creepy feeling, like he was following her. I mean, he was following her. But not like that. 

Finally, it occurred to him. 

She’s a perp. This is like a stakeout. He’s just following his suspect, trailing her to the crime scene. Turn it into a game. Everything will be fine. Then it happened. She turned around. She saw him. Her head snapped back forward and she ran ahead, heels clicking on the ground. 

He thought she had seen him. He ran ahead as well, his footsteps now audible on the ground. He wanted to explain himself to her, to apologize for before. Just to walk her home so he knew she was safe. He was close to closing the distance between them when she turned around, holding something above her face. Jake stopped, but she was already spraying. 

Jake coughed. He wasn’t close enough for it to sting his eyes, but the pepper spray was definitely close enough that he inhaled it. The burn in his throat and the deep coughs made it hard for him to speak, but he was trying. He leaned over, choking out a few more coughs. 

“ _Jake_? Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I thought you were some creep!” Amy closed the cap on her pepper spray, following it up with closing the rest of the distance between them. She pulled a water bottle out of her bag. “Here, drink this. Did I get your eyes?” 

He shook his head, drinking some water between the coughs. He smiled weakly at her. His voice was hoarse. “It’s fine. I was just, uh, making sure you got home safe.” 

“Oh my god, I feel terrible!”

“It’s fine, Ames. It’s fine. Can I walk you home, please?”

“Yes! Yes, you can walk me home! I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have even left in the first place.” 

They were walking ahead, now. He was still coughing lightly. “Amy, it’s okay. I told you earlier, I want whatever makes you comfortable. The only reason I followed you is because I didn’t want you to be alone out here at night. And drunk, at that.” 

She wobbled a little on her heel, and Jake instinctively reached out to steady her. 

“Are you good to walk?” He asked.

She giggled. “Yeah, I’m fine. Things are just a little spinny.” 

He took her hand as she walked, trying to keep contact between them so he could react quickly in case she did fall. 

Her apartment wasn’t far from his, and before he knew it he was walking her carefully up the steps to her landing. She kept dropping her keys, so he eventually stepped in and helped her unlock the door. He settled the keys back in her hands and watched her step through the door. He was leaning on the door frame, preparing to say goodbye. 

“Uh, Jake… Do you wanna come in?”

“Yeah, Amy, I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now…” He laughed a little. “Maybe you should get some sleep and we can talk in the morning.” 

She frowned, but nodded. Then she stumbled again. She caught herself on the couch, then sank slowly to the floor. 

“Can you get to bed okay?” He asked. She looked up at him and nodded, but when she tried to push herself back up off the floor, she lost her balance and leaned against the back of the couch. “I don’t know.”

He stepped inside, working quickly to get her back on her feet. He guided her to a chair and helped her to sit down. 

“Okay, so what do we do now?” 

“What?” She laughed. “Oh. Well I have to change.”

He could feel himself blushing, eyes scanning over her dress again. “Yeah, of course. Okay, I’ll help you get to the bedroom and then I’ll come back out here while you do your thing?” 

 

“Sounds good.” 

That’s how he ended up in her living room, looking at pictures of her family and friends on the walls. Everything looked about how he would have guessed. The walls were all white, everything was clean and organized. Everything was Amy. You could see her touch on all of it. He could imagine the life that she lived there, the way she went about her days. The way she-

Bang-

“Jake?” Her voice sounded distant, soft. It was the quality of her voice that brought him into the room so quickly. He thought she had fallen. He rushed into the room to help her, to make sure she wasn’t hurt. 

The bedroom door was already cracked and as he pushed through the door, he completely forgot about the sound that brought him to her in the first place. Standing in front of him was Amy, clad in a tiny, lacy, and very revealing piece of lingerie. The fabric was the same color as her dress and he couldn’t help but to wonder if she had been hiding it under the dress all night, if that same fabric was underneath his fingers as he held her close to him just a short while earlier. 

It was one piece, like a swimsuit, he thought. Except that it left even less to the imagination. You could see through practically all of it, leaving him with an almost unobstructed view of her body. The top plunged down, accentuating her curves in the best way. Bright red lace contrasted with her skin, looking paler than usual in the light from the hallway. The designs splayed across her hips fought for his attention, drawing it downward to a place where he was not about to look. He had already been looking at her way too long.

Finally, his gaze fell onto her face. She smiled at him, the stain on her lips looking even more desirable than it had before. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, daring him to come to her. 

“I- Uh,” Jake stammered. He fingered the doorknob that he was holding, hesitantly stepping backward through the threshold until he was back in the hallway. Her face fell slightly. 

“You don’t…?” She didn’t finish her sentence, but he knew exactly where she was going. 

“No, I, of course, I mean-” Amy moved to take a step closer to him and tripped. She tripped _hard_. Jake rushed forward, catching her before she hit the ground. His fingers brushed against the lace pulled taut against her hips. It was soft, but had a distinctive texture. Even more distinct was the feeling of her warm skin underneath, the harsh curve of her hipbone contrasting with the softer, muscular plane of her belly. 

He held her hips, keeping her steady. His laughter bubbled out between them, her face drawing up into a grimace at the sound. 

“No, Ames,” he giggled again. “It’s not- You’re-” he struggled to find the right words. “It’s just- How did I get in this situation?” He laughed again, and then added more exasperatedly, “Why do you even own something like this?”

She pulled away from him only to stumble more, swaying unceremoniously. He stepped closer, returning his hands back to their place on his hips and pulling her closer to his body. Only to keep her steady, he told himself. That’s the only reason. But his thumbs rubbed at the lace beneath them idly, the feeling of the fabric and the body beneath it distracting him from his thoughts. 

She looked up at him and smiled. Jake had grown accustomed to seeing her bite her lip. She did it when she was deep in thought. When she was frustrated, when he was being especially annoying, when she was anxious. He had seen her bite her lip upwards of a hundred times. This was not the same lip bite that he was used to seeing. Her tongue flicked out to nurse the wound that her teeth had just pressed into her lip, and god did he want to help, too. 

He was breathing slow, trying to control his thoughts as well as his eyes. But Amy took him pulling her back to him as encouragement.

“You know,” her voice caught him off guard. It was low and seductive. “I’ve seen the way you look at me.” His breathing hitched a little as she ducked closer to his neck, her lips brushing against his skin as she continued. Her soft, breathy words brought goosebumps in their path. “I think about it, too.” 

Stupid. He was so stupid. His voice strained. “About what?” 

She laughed lightly. “It’s that stupid third floor. We’re always alone up there. It’s always so _quiet_.” How did she make the word ‘quiet’ sound so _dirty_? Was he even breathing anymore? “Mostly the fantasy always comes back to you between my legs, your hand muffling the sounds I’m making. You always tell me shhh, it’s a library.” Always. She had thought about this more than once. A handful of times. Maybe every time they were on the third floor together. Nope. He definitely wasn’t breathing. And whether she thought about it every time they were on that couch together or not, he definitely would be from now on. 

“Ames,” his voice was a warning. He was trying his hardest to suppress his thoughts. To think of bad things, to think of anything to get the newfound tightness in his jeans to subside. She pressed her body closer to him and based on the way his erection pressed against him when she did, he was sure that she was fully aware of its existence. Fuck. 

She looked at him, eyes narrowed. He could see her plotting her next move. Fuck. 

“What neurotransmitter is released when you kiss someone?”

He was caught off guard again. “What?”

She licked her lips slowly. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I’m quizzing you, Jake. What neurotransmitter is released when you kiss someone?”

“Uh, we… We never talked about that in our lessons…” 

Her laugh fell right on the spot on his neck that he hoped she wouldn’t find. A soft, involuntary groan slipped out of him. She pressed her lips against the same spot to confirm the cause. Amy the scientist, testing her theory. 

“That’s how you know if you really know something. You can apply the knowledge to new situations. So what neurotransmitter do you release when you’re happy?” 

He swallowed thickly. “Dopamine?” 

She rolled her hips against him, her pubic bone grinding against his hard dick. He hummed softly, closing his eyes as he relished the feeling. Fuck.

“Mhm. What else?” 

“Ames, I don’t know.”

She found that same spot on his neck, delivering a sharp bite to the sensitive skin. A shiver rumbled down his spine and his shaky breath was the only sound between them. 

“I- Uhm… Oxytocin?” 

His grip on her waist tightened as she pressed closer to him, rewarding his correct answer. Fuck. 

“And when you get a huge rush of oxytocin, followed by dopamine shortly after?” This was the lowest her voice had been yet. Seductive didn’t even begin to describe her, anymore. Her tone was almost vulgar, though her words were all academic. That almost made it sexier. 

“Amy, I really don’t know.” 

A whisper, placed soft against his ear. “That’s what’ll happen when I make you come for me.” 

Fuck.

Fuck.

 _Fuck_.

He knew he had made some sort of embarrassing sound, but he didn’t even have time to reflect on it. Her lips were back on his neck, alternating between little bites and sucking on that same spot she’d been torturing him with. Her hand was on his chest, running down slowly until she was grabbing him, squeezing firmly through his jeans. That’s what it took for his brain to catch up with the situation. 

He was in Amy’s bedroom. He was in Amy’s bedroom and she was hot as fuck. He was in Amy’s bedroom, and most importantly, she was drunk. He had gotten her drunk. And he promised that he would take care of her. And here he was, thinking about living out every hot teacher dream he’d ever had with the woman he’d been thinking of in that role for the past month. And she already said that she didn’t trust him. All he was doing was proving her right. She shouldn’t trust him. 

But she was so- he lost his train of thought when she gripped him again, her lips moving to his jaw. She was so willing. And it had been a while since he had been with anyone… And god, he liked her. He liked her so much. Fuck.

“Ames,” he struggled out. 

“Hmm?” She hummed the question onto his skin, her lips never leaving him. He used his grip on her hips to push her away slightly. He took a step back, keeping his hands planted on her. For support. She was looking at him now, confusion tinting her expression. 

“What? You don’t want to...?”

He laughed. “I do want to.” She smiled and began to close the distance between them, but he took another step back. 

“You’re drunk,” he said quietly. She shook her head, but he continued. “I promised that I would take care of you. If I do this right now… Not only would I be breaking that promise, but I’d be taking advantage of you.”

“No, Jake. I want to.” 

He craned his neck away from her. He wanted to. He wanted to so bad. 

“I want to hear you say that when you’re sober.” 

She sighed and pulled away from him, falling backward onto her bed in the process. She sat up to look at him. Now that she was further away, he could see her body again. He tried to avert his eyes, though all he wanted was to tear the lace away, to see her beautiful skin underneath with nothing blocking his view. He lifted the blanket from the foot of her bed and draped it around her, covering her up. 

She smiled at him, looking a little embarrassed. He was about to leave. She was in bed, now. She was safe. He should go home, get some air. 

“Will you stay?” Her voice was soft in a different way. She was pleading with him. 

Fuck. He shouldn’t. No good could come from him staying. Right? She looked at him, eyes innocent and pleading. He nodded. But fuck, he shouldn’t. 

He slipped off his shoes and crawled into bed with her, just as she had asked him to do. Before he knew it, he was leaned back on her headboard, blanket-wrapped Amy snuggled against his chest. He resisted the urge to press kisses onto her forehead, instead just wrapping an arm around her. He flipped through the channels and stopped when he found a movie he had never seen before. 

The Shining. 

She was asleep before the movie was halfway over, breathing softly on his chest. She stirred when the movie made a loud sound, knocking the blanket off of her shoulder and exposing her skin to him again. He quickly pulled the blanket back up, covering her once more, and smiled when she snuggled closer to him. 

The last thing he remembered was the end credits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> I've appreciated all of your comments so far! 
> 
> Also I didn't have time to edit AND post this before I went to work, but I wanted to give it to you guys before I left, so my bad if it's mistake-ridden.


	5. Two Eggs Don't Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. 
> 
> Chapter title from All Time Low's Remembering Sunday. I may have plans to reference this song again. wink

She opened her eyes, the bright light filtering through the window wrenching her from her sleep. She blinked a few times, eyes adjusting in the light. Once she was finally adjusted, she clamped her eyes back shut. The light brought a sharp pain to her head. She rolled over, burying her face in the pillow to protect herself from the feeling. At rolling, she felt a new sensation. The feeling in her stomach made her want to move in slow-motion. 

“Jake?” 

There was no response. She opened her eyes, facing in her new direction, and came to the realization way too slowly that she was alone. Maybe her body wasn’t moving slow-motion, but her brain definitely was. 

She closed her eyes again, trying to roll through the scenes of the night before. _What happened?_ She sifted through her blurry memories, trying to grasp onto one that made sense.

_Her feet in Jake’s lap, them laughing about him ‘not being afraid of bees.’_

_Her convincing pitch of the Shining._

_Jake stroking his hand along her cheek, whispering that everything would be okay. Comforting her._

_His hand on her waist as he walked her, tipsy and stumbling, through a quick ballroom dancing lesson._

_Her lips pressing onto his. The sting of rejection when he backed away, confusion clear on his face as he went._

Fuck.

_His cough when he followed her home, maced when she thought he was a stranger._

Fuck. 

_The way he crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame, waiting to watch her shut the door with her safely inside._

_Her voice as she invited him in. The disappointment when he refused._

_Fast forward. Her lips on his neck, the satisfied moan when she found the spot he liked._

_His eyes raking over her body, glazing over with a look that was content, but guilty._

The tingling sensation between her legs pulled her eyes back open, glancing at the drawer where she knew that little vibrator was. I mean, the line between professional and unprofessional was not only crossed the day before, but effectively destroyed. She had cut that line into little pieces when she kissed him. The scraps were burnt to ashes when she found herself grinding closer to his erection the night before. What was the harm in her thinking about him while she-

While looking at the nightstand, a glass of water caught her eye. She hadn’t brought a glass of water to bed. Next to it were three little pills. She leaned on her elbow and reached out to grab them. Ibuprofen. And her throbbing head really needed it. Did Jake leave it for her when he left? 

Something else caught her eye. 

The blue and gray plaid shirt that Jake had been wearing the day before, balled up and resting partially under her body. Jake’s shirt? 

_Wait_. What happened? 

Her thoughts were back, trying to make sense of the puzzle pieces around her bedroom. She distinctly remembered him telling her no. She _wanted_ to fuck him, but he said no. She was sure of this. He had mentioned taking care of her. And god, sober Amy wanted to pretend that she didn’t want him like that, but she did. But his shirt in her bed, him gone? 

Was she one of those girls? Did she not remember sleeping with him? She didn’t think she was that drunk. She had memories of the night before. They were fuzzy memories, but they were there. She had a clear line from the beginning of the night to the end of it, where she fell asleep in Jake’s arms with the Shining lighting up the room. Did she wake back up? Did they fuck and she really just didn’t remember? 

Why would he leave? And why wouldn’t he bring his shirt with him? Why was his shirt even off? He was wearing his shirt when she fell asleep. If he was going to leave, why did he stop to leave her some medicine? 

Amy sat up in bed, wincing again at the pain in her head. She raised the glass of water to her lips and swallowed the pills, hoping that they would quickly fight off the pounding in her head. Finally, she figured she should get up and start her day. After finding his shirt and the pills, she was more interested in figuring out where Jake had gone and why he had left than she was in thinking about him for other reasons. 

She walked into the living room, not taking care to change into regular clothes. She held Jake’s shirt in her hand. Her plan was to drop it off on the bench by the door before she got in the shower. On her way to the door, movement on the couch startled her. 

Jake, covered by the throw blanket that had been on her couch, was asleep. His jeans were on the floor next to him, not folded, but in a jumbled pile. The blanket was draped around his waist loosely. She found herself staring at the hair dusting his chest, trailing down to where it was covered by the blanket. She was still tracing that trail with her eyes, focusing on the details of his body when he spoke. 

“You see something you like?” His voice was hoarse from sleep, and she hated that it brought a shiver to her skin. A smirk was lazily spread across his face. He sat up to look at her and his eyes fell back onto her skin, barely covered by the lace she was still wearing. He blushed as he looked at her. He bunched the blanket up more in his lap, creating more of a buffer between his body and what Amy could see. 

She smirked back, confidence taking over. “What? You see something _you_ like?” Her eyes pointedly moved to his lap before moving back to his face. His blush deepened and he moved uncomfortably, trying to kick his jeans closer to him.

She shrugged into his shirt, pulling it closed over her body. He opened his mouth to say something, but then let his lips fall closed again. He just looked at her. 

“What?” She asked quietly. Somehow she was feeling more self-conscious than she was moments before when she was practically naked in front of him. 

“I just… I don’t know. You look good in my shirt.” He looked down again, but she could see the smile on his face. He bit his lip when he looked back up at her. “Do you wanna grab breakfast?”

“Yeah! I actually wanted to talk about last night.” He blushed again at that statement. Apparently he had a better memory of the situation than she did. “Let me just hop in the shower real quick.” 

She let the shirt fall away from her shoulders, slowly showing her body to him once again. She walked over to him, extending her hand out for him to take the shirt. He obliged, grabbing hold of her hand a little as he did. He made a point of keeping his eyes on her face, but she could feel his eyes on her when she turned around and headed for the bathroom. She wasn’t really sure what she was doing, but she was getting a kick out of teasing him a little. 

\--

They were seated together at a little diner near campus, waiting for their food to arrive. 

“So, what exactly happened last night?” 

Jake paused for a long time, taking a long drink of his orange soda. He was looking at the table and the blush was resting uncomfortably across his cheeks again. He looked really cute like that. 

“Well,” he started quietly. “Here’s the quick version. You know, we were at the party and there was a fight. And you got really upset. So I suggested that maybe you try to drink a little and see if it helps.” He paused, looking up at her. “I also offered to take you home, whatever you wanted. You said you wanted to drink, so you did. We hung out in my room while you got pretty drunk. I tried to teach you to dance. After a little while, you wanted to leave. I followed you to make sure you got home safe, but you caught me and-” he laughed, now. “You maced me.” 

“I remember macing you,” she laughed, too. “I’m really sorry.”

“No, don’t be! If I would have known you had mace, maybe I wouldn’t have had to have followed you home.” He punctuated this sentence with another, slower laugh. He looked back down at the table. “So then when you got home, you asked me to stay. So I came inside and we watched the Shining together. You fell asleep. I fell asleep, too. I guess I took my shirt off in my sleep.” He shrugged. “I get hot in my sleep. So when I woke up in the middle of the night, I decided I would move to the couch so you wouldn’t get the wrong idea in the morning. But you were snuggled up with my shirt, so I let you keep it. And then you know the rest.”

She eyed him carefully. He left out a few big pieces of the story. Pieces that she remembered and she knew he definitely didn’t forget. 

“Why did I decide to leave?”

Jake scratched the back of his neck, looking elated when the waitress came toward them with two plates. He immediately began stuffing eggs in his mouth, but she waited for him to finish his bite and answer her. 

“Do you really wanna know, Ames?” She nodded. He sighed. “You tried to kiss me. And I didn’t kiss you back, because you were-” he stopped talking and looked out the window. “And you got upset and left.” 

She was looking down at the table, now. “Jake, why didn’t you tell me about the other stuff?”

His head snapped toward her. He knew exactly what she was referring to. “You remember that?” She nodded her head slowly. He shrugged again. “I don’t know, Amy. I didn’t want you to be embarrassed about it.” He pushed his food around with his fork, avoiding her gaze. 

She knew she should be embarrassed, but she wasn’t feeling it. After a lengthy silence, she spoke again. 

“You’re a good friend, Jake.” 

\--

The first time Amy Santiago called him her friend. 

And though he was confused, and though he wanted more, and though her actions had been misleading, he was so excited to be called her friend. Even with the happiness that was filling him up, he couldn’t help the nagging feeling he was having. 

_Tell her you like her. Tell her. She clearly likes you, too. Tell her._

“Thanks for taking care of me,” she said quietly. She bit off the corner of her toast.

“It’s not a problem. I really like you.” 

Her expression caught his attention. He started replaying his words. What did he say?

 _I like you_.

Well, that happened. 

God, the tone he used. _Why did you even say that?_

She smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Jake. I think maybe last night was a bit much for me. I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea, but I think for right now it would be best if we were just friends. You know, for the sake of our study sessions.” 

_Dates_ , he thought. Study _dates_. But she was right. She _had_ given him the wrong idea, but not _just_ last night. What about that morning? What about that whole weird little thing she did where she put on his shirt, only to strip it back off seductively moments later? 

Jake’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m not sure I’m following.” 

She looked down at her plate and spoke quietly. “I’m sorry, Jake. I just don’t think I want to be more than friends.” 

He was still confused, still playing back the past 24 hours and looking for a single sign that pointed to the words she had just said. He couldn’t find anything that would have led him in that direction. Hell, even beyond the past 24 hours she had been giving him signals that he thought meant she was into him… 

“Oh, okay. I get it.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t apologize for how you feel.” He smiled, but did not meet her eyes. Suddenly he wasn’t very hungry. He continued pushing his eggs around his plate, the fork making dull scraping noises across the ceramic. He could feel her watching him. 

“Amy, I…” he didn’t look up. He was struggling to find words that gave her enough information without giving away too much of his emotion. “I think maybe I need a little space.” 

“Space?”

“Yeah.” He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck and glanced up at her. Her eyebrows were knit together. “I just think I definitely got the wrong idea and I need a little bit of time to work through that.” She was silent, still watching him. Her lips were almost drawing into a pout. “I just need to be a little less involved for a while if there’s no chance of a future here. You know, romantic stylez.”

“Romantic stylez,” she repeated. 

“Maybe we cut our study da- _sessions_ back to once a week, again.” The next sentence came out as more of a mumble. “And we can’t go to the third floor, anymore.” 

Amy’s expression abruptly changed. “Wait, why can’t we go to the third floor anymore?” 

He could feel the burning on his cheeks. Why was this all happening to him? He wished he had just failed that stupid test so Amy didn’t even come to the party, so none of this ever happened. He cleared his throat. 

“Uh, yeah. You told me about a certain… _fantasy_?” He chose his words carefully, gauging her reaction. She didn’t appear to understand, yet. “About, uhm, me… between your-”

“Oh my _god_. I told you that?” Her face was the deepest shade of red her had ever seen. She covered her mouth with both hands, her eyes practically popping out of his head. This seemed funny to him. The woman who had practically stripped for him this morning was embarrassed about telling him she had thought about him giving her head. 

And she was so fucking cute. It almost made him mad. Her face all flushed, her flustered movements. The way her eyebrows wrinkled when she thought about what he was telling her. It made him want to move over there, to pull her back into his arms again. That’s exactly the reason he needed to spend less time with her. He wasn’t going to be able to get over her if he was around that all the time. 

He wanted to respect her and her choices, but he was just going to keep falling for her if he kept spending time with her. This put him in a bad place, because he wanted so badly to be her friend, and that was something he finally had. But being her friend made him want more. And he would still be her friend. He would. He just needed some time.

“So, just Mondays is good for you, then?” He asked, abruptly cutting off the previous topic. 

She looked hesitant, but she nodded. “Yeah. Just Mondays.” 

\--

_What is wrong with you?_

_Why did you do that?_

_Why did you say you didn’t want him that way?_

_What kind of fucking idiot-_

_You tried to fuck him within the day, of course you want him. And of course he knows._

_And you told him about the library?_

_So much for professional. And so much for study sessions. You ruined everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another bridge chapter. I have to use it to get me to a different place, but I kinda like it. 
> 
> I liked giving Amy her flashbacks. 
> 
> I'm already working through the next chapter, which I'm enjoying a lot so far. :) 
> 
> But get ready for the drama. It's coming.


	6. I Want You in the Most Unromantic Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize in advance for this chapter. 
> 
> I have a feeling you are NOT going to like it. 
> 
> That's it. That's the summary. 
> 
>  
> 
> Title back from our original song!! Stay Away From My Friends, Pierce the Veil.

It had been a few weeks. A few long, uncomfortable weeks. 

They sat next to each other in class, but he didn’t joke with her like he used to. She found herself texting him every now and then when they weren’t together. He would usually respond, but he never sent her random pictures or messages anymore. They stuck to their Monday-only meetings. The meetings consisted of going over their notes from class and actually doing homework. 

He had said he wanted to be her friend, still, but if anything, he was a work colleague now more than ever before. They didn’t really joke aside from Jake’s fast-paced comebacks to anything she said. Since everything had gone down between them, being together felt uncomfortable. Being with him had been so easy before. 

The worst part was that of course she was interested in him, how did he put it? Romantic stylez? She didn’t know why she had told him she didn’t want that with him. She thought about him all the time, even now. Maybe even more now. How she could talk to him, how she could see him, how she could get things back to the way they used to be. 

And the answer was right in front of her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him about it. She felt so stupid because he had been so vulnerable with her about all of it, so why couldn’t she just do the same? Things would go back to the way they were before, but even better. 

Except if they didn’t. What if he didn’t even want that from her anymore? He had been acting so distant, which, of course he was. He practically asked her out and she refused him. She’s the one to blame for all of this. She was the one who kissed him, she was the one who tried to do more. He was the one who tried to stop things, to prevent her from doing something she would have regretted. She wouldn’t have regretted that, though. He was kind and respectful. He was sweet and funny. He was cute. 

It got even more confusing for her because even right now, she still wanted all of these things with him. She would have sex with him with no reservations. She wanted to pursue a more intimate relationship with him, but she just couldn’t bring herself to actually go through the motions of doing it. She couldn’t bring herself to open herself up like that, emotionally. She felt more comfortable completely naked in front of him than she did sharing her feelings, and she didn’t know why. 

Actually, she did. 

And his name was Teddy. 

Teddy was her ex, and he had essentially put her through hell. He was the reason she had trouble with talking. He was the reason she had trouble sharing her emotions. She had learned quickly not to when she was with him. He still made an appearance in her life every so often, but she was getting a little better at not letting that affect her. As for the ongoing effect he had on her personality? She had to work a little harder to fix that. 

Her phone buzzed, the response she had been waiting for. 

**Jake:** Sounds great, see ya there. 

She held her phone against her chest and smiled. She had asked him to come to her birthday party the following weekend. She was letting the anxiety eat her away while she waited for his response. He was coming. 

Honestly, she didn’t even really want to have a party. Kylie basically forced it. The party was at Kylie’s apartment, so at least she could make a run for it if things got too crazy. But it was her 21st birthday, and Kylie was right, she should celebrate. It also helped that she could use the party as a means to see Jake outside of their once-a-week study sessions. 

She hadn’t hung out with him for non-academic reasons in about three weeks. She missed his teasing. She missed his laugh. She missed her friend. And though she would never say it out loud, she missed flirting with him. Every time she got a little flirty with him, now, he shut it down. 

She sighed to herself as she walked back to her closet. Now was a great time to pick out her outfit. Knowing he would be there meant she needed to dress to impress. She wanted his attention, and she had an idea of exactly how she could get it.

\--

She was leaning on the back of Kylie’s couch, twisting her fingers uncomfortably. Kylie rolled her eyes and pulled Amy’s fingers apart, sliding a beer into her hand. 

“Drink that. Now.”

Amy sighed. There were people at the party, but both she and Kylie knew that Amy didn’t have a lot of friends and so most of the people attending were friends of Kylie’s and were just using the event as an excuse to come get drunk. 

Jake wasn’t there yet. He hadn’t texted. He was half an hour late, now. 

“Amy, drink it. If he comes, he comes. If he doesn’t, at least you’ll be getting drunk with your best friend.” 

Amy frowned and raised the bottle to her lips. She shuddered at the taste, bitter and hoppy. Beer was disgusting, but Kylie was right. She couldn’t change whether or not Jake was coming, but she could at least get more comfortable with him not being there. And by more comfortable, she meant real drunk. 

When she was finishing her second drink, Jake walked in the door. They immediately caught each other’s attention. 

Jake was dressed up. She had never really seen him in anything other than a plaid button-up or a t-shirt and jeans. He was wearing a whole suit. The navy fabric of his jacket mostly covered the light gray shirt underneath. His tie flashed the plaid that he apparently couldn’t go a day without wearing. 

His eyes raked over her slowly. She was in a black dress. It was short and flowy. Her heels were strappy. She flipped her curled hair over her shoulder as she laughed to Kylie before turning back to him. She watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, flashing her a little smile. 

She walked over to him, a huge smile plastered on her face. “Jake! You look great!”

Her voice was louder than the sound-level in the room called for. He smiled and did a little pose. “Thanks! I figured since you got all dressed up for my birthday, I’d return the favor.” 

He stuck his leg out and pulled up his pant leg. “And look at these!” He pointed to his socks. Dress socks with a crossword puzzle print. 

She gasped. “Jake! Those are so cool!” He smiled and extended his arm toward her, a silver bag dangling from his wrist. The similarity between this action and the way she had acted at his birthday party made her smile again. 

“Come here,” she said. She took his hand in hers without addressing the bag and pulled him into a different room. Kylie watched with narrowed eyes as Amy shut the door to her bedroom with she and Jake inside. 

“Sorry, it was a little loud out there,” Amy yelled. She covered her mouth. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m being so loud.” Still a little louder than would be reasonable, but he just laughed. 

“Have you been drinking?” She nodded. “You got loud last time, too.” 

He bit his lip a little before extending the bag back toward her again. “Here, this is for you.”

She took the bag from him, gasping a little when it was heavier than she had expected. She reached her hand in the bag and pulled out a large picture frame. In the frame was a blank crossword puzzle. At the bottom, a signature was scrawled. She looked up at him, a little confused for a moment. 

“This is the crossword puzzle from the day you were born.” He shifted and placed his hand on the back of the frame to straighten it out. They were standing pretty close together. He used his other hand to point at the date. Next, he moved down to the signature. “It’s signed by Will Shortz. I read that he was like the puzzle guy or something.” 

She found herself looking at him instead of at her gift. “The puzzle guy? You mean THE Puzzle Master?! Jake! This is the best gift!” 

He stepped back and shrugged. “It was nothing.” The broad smile on his face showed her that he was proud of the gift. 

She turned around and set the frame on Kylie’s bed. When she turned back, she went in for a hug. Jake accepted her and held her against him tightly. She breathed in his scent, closing her eyes and absorbing the moment. 

“Happy birthday, Ames,” he said softly, his words falling against her hair. 

She pulled out of the hug enough that she could see his face. “Thank you.” 

They remained where they were. Her face was barely two inches from his as they looked at each other. His arms were still wrapped loosely around her waist. She moved her hands against his shoulders, where they were resting. Then she did it. 

She leaned closer to him, kissing him softly. Unlike the last time she kissed him, he actually kissed her back. Her tongue clumsily found his, willing and ready for her. His grip on her waist tightened, pulling her closer to his body as she deepened the kiss. Her fingers began sifting through his hair.

When they broke apart for air, he leaned his forehead against hers. His voice was soft. “Ames. I still like you…” He trailed off. “Is that?”

\--

She pulled away from him slightly. Her hands fell to his hips, but he still retained his grip on her. He was looking at her now, her forehead moved away and no longer supporting his own. 

“Jake…” Her voice was quiet. He could hear everything he needed to in the way she said it. No. It wasn’t. 

He pulled away roughly, taking a step back. 

“I don’t understand.” 

“I’m just confused-”

“Yeah? You’re confused? How do you think I feel? _You_ kissed _me_. Again.” 

“Jake-”

“Every time you get confused, I get confused. You can’t just-”

“Jake-”

“No.” He put his hand up. “No. You don’t get to _Jake_ me. I was finally starting to feel a little better about all of this. I want to be your friend if that’s what you want. But _this_ isn’t friends.” He gestured between them. “This isn’t friends and this isn’t fair.” 

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it if I’m a little confused.”

He sighed loudly. “God, Amy. I’m not asking you to not be confused. I’m asking you- you know what? I don’t think you’re confused at all.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re confused. I think if you were confused, you wouldn’t keep kissing me. You think too much about everything. You’d be able to control yourself better if this wasn’t what you wanted.” He gestured back between them again. She scrunched her eyebrows up at his words, but didn’t say anything. “I don’t think you’re confused. I think you’re scared.” 

She shook her head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

She was practically yelling. At this point, they had garnered some attention from outside. Kylie had opened the door and was watching quietly. 

“Just admit that you’re scared, Amy. I get it. It’s hard. It’s scary. But you’re not confused, are you?” 

“Jake-” 

“Who _hurt_ you?” 

She snapped. Her expression changed from confusion to anger. She narrowed her eyes and took a step toward him, her demeanor immediately alerting him that there was a threat. He took a step back. 

“Who do you think you are? Huh?” Her voice broke a little as she spoke. The music in the other room went off and a crowd was gathering outside the door. “You think you can just come in here and tell me about myself? About what’s wrong with me?”

He watched as one single tear rolled down her cheek. 

The first time he made Amy Santiago cry. 

“Ames, I’m not-”

“ _Don’t_ call me that. You barely even know me, Jake. I’m fucking _confused_. Do you want to know why I’m confused?” He stared at her quietly. She took another step closer. “I’m confused because you’re _so_ nice and great when we’re together, but I’ve heard about you. I’ve heard about you from all sorts of girls.”

He blinked at her, taking another step back. 

“Amy, that’s not-”

“That’s not _what_? _You_? Then who was it? I’m confused because how could a guy that’s so sweet be the same guy who fucked half the girls in all my classes?” He had turned his head now, looking quietly at the crowd watching them. Kylie opened her mouth, but no sound came out. “Who hurt _you_ , Jake?”

He turned back to her. She knew the answer. He had told her about all of this. She was trying to hurt him. He looked at her, eyes wide, searching.

“You know exactly why that’s not fair.” 

“Why? Because you were confused? Why do I have to be responsible for my actions if you don’t have to be responsible for yours?”

“I wasn’t confused, I was hurt.” 

“You don’t think all those girls were hurt, too? You hurt every single one of them, Jake. I’ve heard the stories to prove it. And now I’m supposed to figure out what I want in a week when it took you over three months to get over _Sophia_?” 

He winced at her name, at the acidity behind it. Why was she doing this? 

He laughed softly. “You’re a bad friend, Amy,” he said quietly. He turned around to walk out of the room, pushing through the crowd that had formed.

He was on his way down the hallway when the door opened. He turned back to see Kylie. She was holding a six-pack. She ran over to him, handing the beer to him. 

“I thought you could use these…” She said quietly. He accepted and gave her a quick smile. “I’m Kylie, by the way. We didn’t really get to meet.” 

“Jake,” he said, extending his hand for her to shake. 

“Sorry about that,” she said, gesturing back to the door. “She’s kind of going through something. And she’s a little drunk already.”

Jake just nodded solemnly. He didn’t really want to talk. Especially not about Amy. 

“You know, I’m always going to be on her side, because she’s my best friend,” Kylie trailed off. The corner of her lip tipped up in a half-smile. “That doesn’t mean I always agree with her. I’ll talk to her.” 

Jake nodded again. “Have a good night, Kylie. Thanks for the beer.” 

“Be safe,” she added before she walked away. 

\--

He couldn’t remember the last time he had drank so quickly. He had already finished the six-pack. He was tired of spending time outside, so he was making his way back to the apartment. As he stumbled through the parking lot, he noticed that neither Gina nor Charles was home. Their cars were missing. He recalled Charles talking about some weird creme brulee class, but he couldn’t place Gina. 

He was almost to the door when he noticed something that stopped him in his tracks. A familiar car, an NYU Law sticker centered on the back windshield. _Sophia_. 

He stood still, deciding what his next move should be. _Does he go up to the apartment? She could be up there waiting. Does he leave? She could stay until he comes back. Does he change his name and move to a different country_?

Before he could decide, she got out of the car. 

_Well, fuck_. He hadn’t anticipated her being inside the vehicle. 

“Jakey!” The familiar voice called out to him. “How are you doing!” She walked closer to him. “And god, what are you so dressed up for? You look so nice!”

He still hadn’t said anything. She walked to him and pulled him in for a hug. He let his arms hang stiffly by his side. When she pulled away she mumbled a, “Well hello to you, too!”

“What are you doing here?” His tone was short. He didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with her. He didn’t want to deal with her even if he did have the time and energy. 

She frowned. He looked away. So fucking stupid. _You’re so fucking stupid. Don’t look at her_.

“What, you’re not happy to see me?” 

He glanced up at her again. He raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, but didn’t say anything. 

“I just missed you, Jake. I wanted to see you.”

“How do you even know where I live?” 

She smiled, now. The street lights reflected off of her white teeth, illuminating them more in the dim light. “I have my sources.” After a few moments of him standing in front of her and staring at the ground she asked, “So, are you gonna invite me in?”

“Gina wouldn’t like that.”

“Oh, did she get a different car? I didn’t see hers here.” When he didn’t respond, she continued. “So if she’s not here, what’s the problem?”

 _Don’t look at her. Don’t fucking look at her. Turn around and go upstairs. Alone_. He looked up at her. _Fuck_.

“Are you drunk, Jakey?” They were making their way up the hallway to his apartment. He unlocked the door with ease and held it open for her to walk in. 

Once they were inside and Jake still hadn’t acknowledged her question, she sat at the table. “I can smell the alcohol on you. You wanna tell me about it?” He eyed her cautiously and turned to grab a coffee mug. “Oh. So it’s a girl.” 

He turned back to look at her. “How did you know?” 

“Just a lucky guess. What’s her name?”

He hesitated, but continued. “Amy.” He didn’t know why he offered this information. Secretly, he hoped it would make Sophia jealous. 

“Hmm, Amy. What’s she like? She pretty?”

He shook his head softly and leaned his elbows on the counter, resting his forehead in his palm. 

“She’s the most beautiful woman I know. She’s smart, and she’s strong, and she’s brave. She’s kind of awkward,” he laughed a little. “She’s not afraid to be different. And she’s funny.” 

“So what’s the problem, then?” Her voice sounded annoyed. He shouldn’t talk to her. 

“She says she’s confused,” he said softly. “About me.” 

Sophia stood up and made her way over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing softly when he didn’t immediately shrug her off. 

“Hey, I get it. It’s hard with people who haven’t been there from the beginning.” She was quiet for a moment. She leaned down on the counter next to him. Her voice was lower, now. He knew the voice well. “Nobody ever gets me like you do.” 

He didn’t say anything, but he leaned his head over on her shoulder. God, he loved her. He wanted to hate her so bad, but he couldn’t. He had so much love for Sophia Perez, the woman who had helped build him into the man that he was. She was also Sophia Perez, the woman who had helped break him down, resulting in the broken mess that he had been trying to pull together the past few months. But he still loved her. 

“Jake,” she whispered. “I can make you feel better. I can make you forget all about Ally.”

“Amy,” he corrected, turning to look at Sophia. 

She took advantage of his movement to crash her lips against his. He resisted for a moment, but quickly fell into the rhythm that he had been so used to for such a long time. She felt so familiar. He was craving that familiarity, quickly pulling her closer to him, pulling at her clothes and allowing her to tug off his own. 

Before he knew it, they were in his bedroom. He was on top of her, tongues still intertwined as he pushed into her. He groaned against her as he listened to the familiar noises, sounds he hadn’t heard from her in way too long. 

She worked with him to switch their positions until she was on top of him, riding him. He watched her through narrowed eyes, but every time he closed them, he saw Amy. Amy laughing, Amy reading, Amy a while earlier, crying. He could feel the sadness overcoming him. 

He grabbed Sophia’s hips, pulling her down to his body harder and faster. He was determined to fuck away the feeling that was eating at him. He just wanted to feel better. He was all but ignoring Sophia on top of him, lost in his thoughts while he tried to heal his pain with pleasure. He didn’t feel love for Sophia, now. He still loved her, and he knew he did, but this did not feel like love. He was as close to another person as he could be, but he felt alone. 

When she finished, he went to the bathroom to clean up. He didn’t actually finish himself, but he didn’t feel like continuing. It wasn’t helping, anyway. If anything, it was making him feel worse. When he got back to bed, Sophia was curled up in the blankets. He wanted her to leave, but he didn’t want to ask her to, so he just climbed into bed with her, lazily draping at arm over her waist. 

“That was nice,” she said quietly, smiling and closing her eyes. 

“Mhm,” he mumbled back. 

\--

He woke up with a bad taste in his mouth. Her taste. The taste he had been trying to get rid of for months. He had just barely succeeded in ridding himself of her, and here she was again, back. 

He rolled over to find that she was not back, actually. She was back to being gone. He reached over and grabbed his phone, dialing her number by heart. He had deleted her number from the phone, but he wondered if he would ever get it out of his head. 

_Ring…  
Ring…  
Click- This is Sophia Perez-_

He hung up the phone. She sent him to voicemail. Typical. 

He scrolled back to his home screen, trying to ignore the pounding in his head. A little red circle notified him that he had one text message. He opened it, expecting some lie from Sophia about why she wasn't there, why she just ignored his call. 

**Amy:** Hey, Jake. I’m really sorry about last night. Can we talk? Meet me at Lindenwood? Let me know. 

He sighed. He had been so close to having everything together. 

_So close_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust the process. 
> 
> But ooft. 
> 
> Thoughts? My babies are going through. I wish I could tell you the drama was over, but........... I can't.


	7. Kill Me with the Words that You Didn't Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OoooOoooOooooo What will happen? 
> 
> Somebody sort of guessed it, I think. 
> 
> Title from Every Avenue's Finish What You started.

Five days. 

It had been five days since she had seen or heard from Jake Peralta. She wasn’t shocked when he didn’t respond to her text. Why would he? She had been really mean to him at her party. She can’t imagine that she would respond to him if he had treated her the way she treated him. 

Sunday was day one. He didn’t meet her at Lindenwood. She understood. She left him alone, gave him some space. She did text him an ‘I’m sorry, see you in class?’ that night, but again, no response.

Monday, day two. He didn’t show up in class. She glared when some other guy sat in the seat next to her, in _Jake’s_ seat. But it was fine. It had only been two days, he was still probably just getting over everything. She pictured him at home. He just didn’t want to see her. That was all. 

She stupidly went to the library, waiting for him to arrive for their study session. She knew he wasn’t coming, and when she texted him again, she knew he wasn’t going to respond. But she still tried it. 

Tuesday passed without any word from him. She was growing a little more worried. She voiced her concerns to Kylie that day. 

“You’re gonna have to give him some time, Amy.” 

“How much time? I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

Kylie laughed. “You think? He was really upset when he left. It sounds like you took the thing that hurt him the most and used that against him… He’s gonna need more than two days.” 

Amy closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead. She just kept replaying the moment in her head. _Who hurt **you** , Jake? -when it took you three months to get over **Sophia**?_ She had cried about this way too many times, way more times than she would like to admit. But she could feel the tears welling up again. 

Kylie’s voice was quiet. “I think you need to tell him about Teddy.” 

Amy’s whole body stiffened. She looked up at her friend, tears still in her eyes. Tell him about Teddy? Why would she tell him about Teddy? She never talked about Teddy. Teddy was an oversight. Teddy was a mistake. Teddy hurt her. 

_Who hurt you?_

Jake’s voice in her head. 

_Who hurt you?_

“I’ve never talked about him.” 

“Exactly. Not even to me. Not even to your family, even when they’ve asked you.” She paused for a minute. “I think it would be good for you to talk about him, to talk about what happened. But I think it’s really important for your relationship with Jake. If you want a relationship with Jake, that is.” 

Who hurt you? 

Why did he have to ask her that? Why did he have to ask her who her hurt her? That’s why this happened. That’s why she went on defense mode. That’s why she hurt him. She had all these pent up feelings about Teddy, all these emotions that she never gave a stage because she _couldn’t_. She couldn’t have feelings about Teddy without destroying all the ground that had made. She had been building herself a new world, a world without Teddy, a world where she didn’t have to think about him, but every time he came up, he took a piece of her new world with him. 

He was doing it now. Pieces of Jake, pieces of her, pieces of a good thing. Because she didn’t know how to love. What was love, anyway? She had been in relationships before, but none like Teddy. She thought that was love. She thought. Until it wasn’t. Until she _knew_ it wasn’t. And at that point, things were so far gone. He had met her family, he had asked her father for his blessing, he had a ring. They were engaged when he started-

 _Who hurt you?_

“I need to be alone.” Her voice was empty, void of all emotion. Kylie nodded, a sympathetic smile on her face. She came over and hugged her friend before she walked to the door. 

“I’m here if you need me. Give him some space, but don’t hesitate to call me.” 

Day four. Wednesday. Guy-who-wasn’t-Jake was sitting in his seat again. She rolled her eyes. She didn’t have the energy for this. She definitely didn’t have the energy for the next thought that popped into her head. 

The stories. He was out of class again. What if he was back to doing exactly what he did before she met him? What if he was with some random girl right now? Images of them in the library flashed before her eyes. His head leaned back on the couch as he waited for her to answer him about what her future had in store for her. 

The truth was she didn’t know. She hadn’t been big on planning her future since Teddy. She tried planning her future, once, and it didn’t exactly go the way she had planned. She was still a planner. She had goals. She made daily plans, weekly plans, even monthly plans. But she couldn’t look forward like that. Not anymore. 

_Who hurt you?_

She found herself collecting her books, walking out of class with everyone’s faces on her. Up to the third floor in the library, onto their couch. She sat down, pulling one of the pillows into her lap. She needed to think. 

The third floor wasn’t empty on a Wednesday afternoon. She pulled out her phone, pulled up his contact, began typing out a message. 

**Amy:** I need to talk to you, Jake. Please.

 **Jake** : . . .

The dots disappeared. 

**Jake:** . . .

Gone again. She stared at the screen, waiting for the dots to reappear, waiting for him to finally speak to her, but he didn’t. 

_Who hurt you?_

She texted him again. 

**Amy:** Teddy Wells. 

No response. 

She fucked up everything. She ruined it all. Jake was a great guy. He was a great friend. She messed it all up by being so fucking weird about their friendship in the first place, but that was salvageable. This? 

And she couldn’t blame Teddy for this. Not entirely. It was his fault in the same way that Jake sleeping with those girls was Sophia’s fault. He messed her up. He hurt her. It was him. But she made the choice to hurt Jake. Teddy didn’t do that, she did. 

She thought about it all day. _Who hurt **you** , Jake?_ She did. She hurt Jake, too. Not just Sophia. And now he wouldn’t even speak to her. 

Day five. Thursday. She couldn’t take it anymore. 

She found herself walking up to his apartment, knocking on the door. Gina opened it. She didn’t say anything to Amy, she just turned around back into the room, leaving the door open. 

“Well, he’s not with her, that’s for sure.”

Amy walked in, to see Charles pacing around the room. 

“Jake isn’t here?”

“We thought he had been with you,” Gina stated. 

“He isn’t returning my texts,” Charles practically shouted. “What if he’s hurt? What if he was kidnapped? What if he was-”

“Charles!” Her sigh was more annoyed than anything else. “Jacob is fine. Have you heard from him?”

She was looking at Amy, now. 

“Uh, not since Saturday.” 

This piqued both Gina and Charles’ interest. Charles was now looking at her intensely. 

“Saturday? What happened on Saturday? That makes you the last person who saw him. Did something happen?” He interrogated. 

“I-”

“Boyle! He’s not dead, chill out. I’m gonna call him one more time.” Gina walked out of the room, leaving Amy with Charles Boyle’s intense eyes on her. 

“We got in a fight Saturday night,” she said quietly. 

“ _What_?” Charles’ voice went up two octaves. 

A knock at the door tore his attention away from her. Amy turned around, leaning on the counter. It wasn’t Jake. He wouldn’t be knocking on his own door. 

“ _Sophia_?”

Amy froze, staring at the door from where she was leaning on the counter. Sophia pushed in past Charles, walking into the apartment and immediately seeing Amy, unknowingly leaned in the same place where she had kissed Jake days earlier. 

“Oh,” Sophia said. “You must be Amy.” 

Sophia was intimidating in more way than one. She was so pretty. Definitely pretty enough to be with Jake. Her dark hair was long and straight. She was thin and tall. Her eyes were scrutinizing Amy as she looked her over disapprovingly. 

“You’re prettier than he made you sound,” she said suddenly.

Amy felt uncomfortable and insecure. Jake had been talking about her? Jake had been talking about her with _Sophia_? Jake had been talking _to_ Sophia? Jake had been talking to Sophia and made her sound unappealing? 

“What are you doing here?” Charles asked abruptly. Amy had thought the tone he was using with her was accusatory, but the tone he was using with Sophia contained a new level of attitude. 

“I left my necklace here last weekend. Should be in Jakey’s bed.” 

“Jakey’s _my_ nickname for Jake,” Charles mumbled loudly, annoyed. 

Wait. _Last weekend_? Amy watched as she pushed past Charles, walking into Jake’s bedroom. The same bedroom she had gotten drunk in. The same room she had tried to kiss him in. A few seconds later, Sophia emerged, dangling a necklace from her hand. 

Charles looked at Sophia, eyes narrowed, then turned to Amy. 

“See. Something _did_ happen.” 

Amy felt sick. Jake left her party and came back here with Sophia. He had been ignoring her, but he had been talking to Sophia. Sophia, who hurt him. Sophia, who did all of this. _Sophia_. She had heard so many stories about Sophia from Jake. So many bad stories. And being in front of her only reiterated that they were true. She didn’t seem like a nice person. 

The more she thought about it, she _didn’t_ seem like someone who would be with Jake. Jake was so friendly. He was always happy, always talking to anyone who would listen. She didn’t seem like she shared that sort of attitude. She seemed like a bad person. Maybe that was just because of all the stories she had heard about her. She was a bad person in the stories. But Jake was a bad person in the stories from those girls, too. He wasn’t really a bad person. But if he was a good person and those stories from him were about her being a bad person… Was she? 

Gina walked out of her room, phone in hand. “He’s at his mom’s.” Sophia turned to look at her. “What the fuck?” 

“Hey, Gina,” Sophia smiled fakely at her. 

Gina turned to Charles and Amy. “ _What_ is this bitch doing here?” 

Charles crossed his arms and looked at Amy. Amy was still feeling the sting from Sophia’s news. She had stayed here. She had been with him. He and Amy had just gotten in a fight. Was it her fault that he did this? Would he have done it if they ended the night on good terms? She would like to think that he wouldn’t have.

Oh my god. If she wouldn’t have said she was confused, if she would have just told him how she felt about him, he wouldn’t have left the party. He wouldn’t have gone home. He wouldn’t have slept with her. If she would have been able to just talk to him… 

Sophia rolled her eyes and held up her necklace. “I left this in Jake’s bed,” she said the sentence pointedly, making sure everyone knew what she had been doing there. “Figured I’d come get it. Tell him I said hey!”

She walked past Charles, opened the door, and left. 

Gina threw her arms in the air. “What the fuck?! I leave for one night and it’s skank city in here. God, can’t leave him alone for anything.” She groaned.

Charles was back to staring at Amy. “You two got in a fight? And then he came home with Sophia?” The accusatory tone was aimed back at her.

“Woah, Charles? Jake’s a big boy. He makes his own decisions. They’re stupid decisions, but they’re his.” Gina defended Amy. She didn’t know her very well, but she gave off mixed signals. For the most part, she had been fairly nice to Amy, but she was hard to read. 

Charles shook his head. “All that progress. All that progress for this.” 

Amy was still standing there, having not said much of anything since Sophia came in the room. She said she was confused and he went home and fucked Sophia. She said she was confused. They had gotten into a fight, but she hadn’t thought it was bad enough that he would call Sophia. She definitely didn’t think it was bad enough that he would confide in Sophia about her the same way he had been talking to her about Sophia. 

“So he’s at his mom’s,” Gina offered. “I got a hold of Karen. She said she’ll have him call one of us.” 

Amy stood up straight. She couldn’t think of anything to say, but she needed to get out of there. She needed to get away from Jake, away from his home, away from his friends. 

_Who hurt you_? 

Jake. 

Jake did. 

\--

It had been nice to get away. He had so many feelings. It had been nice to just hang around with his mom, only talking minimally. She made him feel better. He told her about Sophia, about Amy, about their fight. 

She made him feel a lot better about a lot of things, but she didn’t really help the feeling of guilt surrounding his last experience with Sophia. But he wasn’t feeling guilty for Sophia. He was feeling guilty because of Amy. And he shouldn’t. They weren’t together. In fact, she had told him on more than one occasion that she didn’t want to be with him. But he liked her so much. He liked her so much and she helped him to be a better person, and he turned around and fucked Sophia. 

God, Sophia. 

Thinking about her made him feel sick. He shouldn’t have slept with her. He shouldn’t have told her about Amy. He shouldn’t have even spoken to her. He should have walked past her, gone home alone. And if she ran into him at any other time, he would have done exactly that. But he was hurt and he was drunk and he was so fucking sad. He wanted to feel better. And once upon a time, Sophia had been the person to make him feel better. Old habits die hard. 

He kept thinking that. The quote popped into his head while he was watching Die Hard, alone on his mother’s couch while she was sleeping. He hadn’t been sleeping well. He had too much on his mind. Amy, mostly. He had checked his phone a few times. She had been texting him. He ignored that first text, asking him to meet her for breakfast on Sunday. It wasn’t because he was mad at her. He was a little mad at her, but not enough to ignore her. It was mostly because he was ashamed. He couldn’t look across the table at Amy. He couldn’t let her apologize to him knowing that he had left her house, where he had kissed her and then made her _cry_ , and then gone home and had uncomfortable, depressed sex with his ex-girlfriend. Who, by the way, he had done nothing but talk badly about since he had met Amy. 

And she deserved it. Ane he was right to talk about her that way. And he hated her. And he hated himself. But he didn’t hate Amy. And the thought of looking at Amy knowing he had done that? She would hate him. And even if she didn’t hate him, she would be disappointed in him. Even if she didn’t care for any reasons related to her, she would be disappointed in him for doing that to himself. And he couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at him, disappointment in her eyes. Or worse, tears. What if she _was_ hurt by it? 

But they weren’t even together. So why did he feel so guilty? And why did he feel so bad about calling her a bad friend when at the time she _was_ being a bad friend? He had to tell her about this, right? Did he? They weren’t together. But what if they got together in the future? He would have to tell her.

She didn’t even like him like that. She was confused. 

His phone buzzed for what felt like the millionth time. He scrolled through texts from Charles, Gina, and finally Amy. 

**Amy** : I need to talk to you, Jake. Please. 

He clicked on the message and began typing. 

_Can we meet?_

He erased the message. 

_I’m sorry_

He sighed, erasing the message and tossing his phone down. It buzzed again.

 **Amy:** Teddy Wells. 

Teddy Wells? Who’s Teddy Wells? He quickly located his facebook app, searching the name on the screen. He found a Teddy Wells who went to their school, scrolled through the images. He was an attractive man, of a larger build than Jake had. He was conventionally handsome, but there was nothing special about him. He scrolled to another picture. 

Well, there was one thing special about him. 

The image showed Amy, ring on her finger, smiling for the camera with him. 

Images of them kissing, of them posing together, at the zoo, at a football game, at Central Park. He was flooded with pictures of Amy and another man. Teddy Wells. 

_Who hurt you?_

Teddy Wells. It was Teddy Wells. That’s who hurt her.

He dedicated the better part of his day to figuring out who the hell Teddy Wells was and what the hell he did to Amy, but his search resulted in minimum leads. 

“Wow,” he said quietly. “I am not a good detective.” When he checked the time again, it was well into the night. His search had moved into his childhood bedroom, so as to not clue his mother into his activities. He didn’t want to talk about it, he just wanted to crack the case. 

He thought about texting Amy, but it was so late. He didn’t want to disturb her. He pictured the night that they had fallen asleep together in her bed. Amy, snuggled up in a blanket and pulled close to him. He had wanted to kiss her so bad, then. He couldn’t think of a happier moment in his recent past. Except maybe when she called him her friend the next morning. 

He fell asleep thinking about her, as he often did these days. He would call her in the morning. 

“Jake? Jake, get up.” His mom shook his shoulder. He jumped when he saw her, way closer than he had expected her to be. 

He groaned. “Mom? What are you doing?” He checked his phone. “God, it’s so early.” 

“Your friends are worried about you. I just talked to Gina. Give them a call.” 

He groaned again as she left the room. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to cling back onto the dream that he was having. His phone buzzed. A call. 

It was Charles. Reluctantly, he answered. 

“ _You slept with Sophia_?” 

“Hi, Charles.” 

“Did you hear what I asked you? Did you sleep with Sophia?” 

Jake groaned quietly. “I’ve slept with Sophia a lot of times.”

“You slept with Sophia on _Saturday_?” Jake was quiet. “Jake!” 

“How did you know?”

“Well,” he snapped back, “she came by to get her necklace that she left here. She interrupted me, Gina, and Amy talking about you.”

“I’m sorry, what? You, Gina, and Amy talking about me?”

“Yeah, Jake. We were trying to figure out where you were.” 

“No. I mean she interrupted you, Gina, and Amy? Amy met Sophia?” 

Charles was now the quiet one. He hadn’t even thought about that. “Yeah…”

 _Fuck_. 

“Does she know?”

“Know what? That she met Sophia? I’m pretty sure…”

“No, Charles. Does she know-” He paused, feeling ashamed again at saying it out loud. “Does she know that I slept with Sophia?”

“Oh. Yes. And Jake? You might want to call her. She seemed pretty upset when she left.” 

Fuck. 

“I’ll see you at home, later.” 

He hung up and immediately called Amy. 

_Ring…  
Ring…  
Click. No voicemail._

He tried again. 

_Ring…  
Ring…  
Click._

Fuck. 

_Who hurt you?_

I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better times are coming, guys. Maybe next chapter. Maybe the one after that!!


	8. Maybe It's All for the Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake & Amy talk. 
> 
> Title from Between You and I by Every Avenue. It was between this and I'm a Mess by Ed Sheeran, but I think:
> 
> _Would you believe me if I said I was sorry?_  
>  _The question wasn't meant to hurt, it was just my fear of losing you._
> 
> and 
> 
> _I want you to know that I am fine here without you,_   
>  _but I can't bring myself to lie to you._
> 
> really capture what our lil lovers are going through. 
> 
> Also that's one of my fav sad songs. Every Avenue is good for some sad songs, if you're ever looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super short, but it's finished and we have all learned that I can't keep literally any of my writing to myself. Also I'm completely neglecting my heist fic? Maybe one day I'll work on that, but we obsessed w this one so here I go.

Every single thing that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong. So everything should be fine now, right? Nothing else can go wrong. That’s something to be positive about. This is as bad as it gets. This has to be as bad as it gets. 

He was sitting on Amy’s landing. Waiting. She opened the door and saw him, then immediately shut the door again. He knocked again and listened as she turned the lock into place. He had leaned against the door and slid down, sitting with his knees pressed to his chest. 

**Jake:** Please talk to me. 

After a few minutes without response, he texted again. 

**Jake:** I’m not gonna leave. I’m gonna annoy you until you come outside

A few more minutes passed

**Jake:** I’m gonna start singing. Any requests?

He gave her a few more minutes before he started, as loudly and obnoxiously as he could, singing Shake it Off by Taylor Swift. He went in, full high-pitched falsetto voice. 

“I stay out too late! Got nothing in my brain! That’s what people saaaaay! MHM! That’s what people saaaay! MHM!” 

He made it part way through the second verse when he heard the lock turn and was abruptly dumped onto the floor when she pulled the door open, removing his support. 

“The neighbors are going to call the cops,” she hissed. “What do you want?” 

He was still laying on the ground, frowning. “Can we talk? Maybe head to Lindenwood, I’ll buy you lunch?”

“You can talk to me right here or you can leave.” He sighed and sat up, turning to face her. 

“What do you want to know?” 

She shrugged. “I think I know everything I need to know.” 

“And what exactly do you think you know?” 

She rolled her eyes. “I know that Sophia just got her necklace out of your bed, where she left it on my _birthday_. When she was apparently in your bed, I assume with you, but I guess I don’t know that for sure. I know you talked to her about me.”

“I was upset-”

“So you called Sophia?” 

He sighed. “No, I didn’t call Sophia. I wouldn’t have called her.” He sighed again. He didn’t want to look at Amy as he spoke, but he was trying to give her the eye contact that she deserved. “I was trying to go home. Kylie had given me a six-pack, which I drank way too quickly. I was just gonna go home and sleep it off, but when I got to the parking lot, her car was there.” He shook his head and looked away again. “I was gonna turn around. I didn’t know where else to go. But then she got out of the car.” 

“Come inside,” she said quietly. 

“Are you sure?” 

She nodded. He came in and they moved to the living room. He sat on the couch and she sat across from him in a chair. 

“What did you tell her about me?” Amy asked. 

He shrugged. “I don’t know, word for word. She noticed that I was drunk, asked if I wanted to talk about whatever it was that was bothering me. I ignored her. She guessed that it was a girl. So I told her a little bit about you.”

“But what about me? She made it sound like you said something bad.” 

He rolled his eyes and smiled tightly. “Of course she did. God, she’s the fucking worst.” Punctuated with yet another deep sigh. “I don’t know. I said you were beautiful. I said that I liked you, which you already know. I said that you were strong and smart. And I said that you were confused about me.” 

She didn’t smile. He noticed that she definitely didn’t smile. He didn't expect her to, but he had hoped she would. And he knew that he technically didn’t do anything wrong, but he felt like he was in trouble. 

“Then what?” 

He looked down at the floor, then down at his hands. He picked at his fingernail. “Then she comforted me, kind of. I don’t know. It wasn’t- I don’t know. She told me she understood, that it was hard to be with someone who hadn’t been there from the beginning. And then she kissed me. And I didn’t want her to, but she did, and it wasn’t even that it felt good, it was just that it felt familiar, I think. I think I was mistaking familiarity for good.” He still hadn’t looked up at her. 

“I have a question. About me.” He looked up at her now. “How come when I kissed you, you stopped me, but when she kissed you, you didn’t?” 

He could feel his eyebrows twitch as he reacted to the question. He was trying not to wrinkle up his eyebrows. “Amy, you were drunk… I didn’t stop you because I didn’t want you to kiss me. I stopped you because I wasn’t sure if _you_ wanted to kiss me. And then based on the conversation we had the next morning, it sounds like I made the right decision.” 

She gave him a quick dirty look. “What happened next?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, what do you want me to tell you?” 

Amy shrugged. “I don’t know. You’ve told me about some of the other girls. Just, like that, I guess.” 

He looked away from her. “She’s not just one of those other girls, though, Ames…” His voice sounded so sad as he said it. “She was a big part of my life. She’s a big part of who I am.” He shrugged. “And she came to the apartment- mind you, I don’t even know how she knows where I live- but she came over specifically to f-” He glanced at her, then dropped his gaze to the floor. “Once she got what she wanted, she was done. I went to bed, and she left. It wasn’t an enjoyable experience for me at all.”

She was quiet. “I know I don’t really have a right to be mad at you about this, Jake. But I-” She paused, trying to compose herself. “I know we’re not together. And I know that’s because of me, but I like you… And I thought we kind of had something, even though I was confused and even though we got in that fight. And now…” She glanced at him. “I don’t know. I just feel like the first time we got in a fight, the first thing you did was go sleep with Sophia. And it sounds like you didn’t even want to, which almost makes it worse.”

He was frowning. He knew he fucked up. He shouldn’t have done any of that, especially not when Amy was on his mind the whole time, but he was still trying to defend himself. “I just feel like that’s not fair. We weren’t together-”

“I know, I’m not saying we were. I’m not even saying you did anything wrong. I mean, you had sex with your ex-girlfriend. I don’t approve, given what I know about her… but people do that sort of thing all the time. It’s just that I don’t think I can be okay with that being what you did the first time we ever had a fight. And that’s as friends-”

“But if we were more than friends, it never would have happened. I _never_ would have done that if we had been more than friends. I never would have even spoken to her. If she showed up outside my apartment and we were _anything_ more than just friends, we could have been in the worst fight you can imagine, but that never would have happened.” 

“But _Jake_ … Don’t you think we _were_ a little more than just friends? I mean, I know we weren’t dating, and I know that again, that’s on me, but when you say ‘if we were _anything_ more than just friends,’ don’t you think we were?”

He was quiet. She wasn’t exactly wrong. But it’s because they hadn’t put a label on it, and more specifically because she said she didn’t want to be more than friends. And then they got in a fight. “But you said you didn’t want to-”

She interrupted him. “I _said_ I was confused.” 

He played the situation over in his head. She was right. She did say she was confused. At that time, after the last time they kissed, she hadn’t said she didn’t want to be with him. All she said was that she was confused. And he got upset, and they fought. But she never _said_ she didn’t want to be with him. 

“Are you still confused?” He finally asked. 

She smiled a little, but then pressed her lips together. “No, Jake. I’m not really confused anymore. I think I need a little space.” 

Of course. Of course she did. He messed up everything. Everything was ruined because he couldn’t just kiss her without being fucking dumb. He should’ve just been light and breezy. He shouldn’t have fucked Sophia, that’s for sure. He didn’t say anything.

“Maybe we just call off our study sessions for a while.” She suggested. 

He must have made a face because her expression changed. “Amy, no. We can still be study partners. You’re in like most of my classes. We can still be friends,” he was pleading with her. 

“Jake…” Her expression was pained, but she tried to speak to him anyway. “I can’t.” 

“Ames, Amy, c’mon. Hey, c’mon. Amy, look at me, please.” She still didn’t look up. “Please?” 

Her voice broke a little. He could tell she was going to cry. “I think you should leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have another up today, but if not it'll be up tomorrow. I'm thinking the next one will be longer. I'm having trouble getting to a good spot to do exactly what I need them to do. 
> 
> Also did you peep "I think you should leave"? aka I Think You Should Leave w Tim Robinson 
> 
> we did that


	9. Stay Away From My Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. Someone stop me.
> 
> AND, 
> 
> the original title chapter is BACK, with the title of this chapter and that song being Stay Away From My Friends by Pierce the Veil. It's all coming together, now. 
> 
> Another tiny, short chapter. Because I'm bored, so I'm writing, and I can't control myself. 
> 
> Also thank the people of twitter, constantly fueling me. We're at a new high, three chapters (and counting) today. Ooft.
> 
> Anyway, here's a lil fluff to quench your sad, broken hearts.

Two weeks. Two long ass weeks, that’s what it had been. 

He only saw Amy in class. And to make matters worse, he even moved to a different seat to respect her boundaries. The guy who sat in his chair now always leaned over to talk to Amy, obviously trying to flirt with her. She never looked into his advances, but she did always glance uncomfortably at Jake when the guy did it. He knew because every second of the class, his eyes were on her. He sat a few rows behind her, now. He had a perfect view of her left side profile, so he could see when her lips turned down when the person next to her spoke to her, how she smiled when she got an answer to a question correct, and how she bit her lip when she was writing out her notes. But he could also see every time she let her eyes stray away from whatever she was supposed to be paying attention to, to instead fall on Jake. Which, by the way, had been eleven times, so far. In less than an hour. 

They didn’t even talk, but they were still flirting. If nothing else, he was getting further with her than her new seat partner. _Fucking Dennis_. That was the name he had given him. We were at eleven looks from Amy, and fourteen attempted flirtations from Dennis. 

Jake hadn’t been paying attention, but people around him started standing up to leave. He glanced at the clock. Class shouldn’t have been over for another 25 minutes. He silently cursed the teacher for letting them out early. He lost his only 25 minutes with Amy until the next time class met, two days later. He knew that eventually he would get over all of this, but right now it was still fresh and he still wanted to be with her in some capacity. He would have taken going back to being acquaintances. Shit, he would’ve been thrilled if she would just punch him in the face again. Anything. Anything was better than this. 

He walked out the door before her. Dennis had been talking to her again, and Amy was too nice to ignore him like Jake would have preferred. When he got out the door, he stopped dead in his tracks. 

_What the fuck_? 

“Why are you here?” There were people around, and he tried not to cause a scene, but his words were dripping with enough acidity that it caught Amy’s attention from inside the classroom. 

“Jake?” Amy asked. He turned around completely, curving his body in a way that separated her from whatever was on the outside. Amy’s eyebrows were furrowed in concern. She walked closer to him, craning her neck to see around him. “What’s wrong?”

“Uh, nothing,” Jake said. He flashed her an uncomfortable smile, and glanced over his shoulder. 

“Wow, Jake. Nothing? That hurts.” Amy immediately recognized the voice as Sophia. Dennis glanced between Jake and Amy, waiting for Jake to move out of the way of the door. He sighed and stepped to the side, allowing Dennis out, and unfortunately, Sophia in. 

“I just wanted to see you, Jakey,” Sophia’s voice was a little whiny as she spoke. Amy cringed at the sound. Sophia noticed, shooting a glare in her direction. Jake narrowed his eyes, stepping half in front of Amy so as to separate them again. 

“I don’t want to see you. How the fuck do you know where my classes are?” 

Amy placed a hand on Jake’s arm. Was she trying to comfort him? Trying to get him to calm down? He wasn’t sure. It distracted him a little, that was for sure. This was the first time she had touched him since her birthday. He looked down at her hand, his expression softening a little before he looked back at Sophia. 

And Sophia noticed. She raised an eyebrow, looking past Jake and onto Amy. She snickered, smirking in a way that was clearly meant to be intimidating. Yet another look of Sophia’s that Jake knew well, but he had not intended for Amy to be on the other side of. 

“What do you think this is?” 

“What?” Amy asked. 

“I asked what you think this is, _sweetheart_. You think you’re protecting him from me or something?” She laughed again, darker. “Nothing you ever do will ever compare to me. And nothing will ever put you on the same level with him as I am on.” She raised her eyebrows slowly. “You couldn’t even imagine the things he’s done with me.” 

“Sophia, what the-”

“No,” Amy said quietly. “No, Jake. Let her keep going. Let her talk about how great she is.”

“ _Let me_?” Sophia laughed again. “He doesn’t control me.” 

“Yeah, _obviously_ ,” Amy cut in, stepping to push around Jake. “He’d do a much better job than you’re doing at controlling yourself, that’s for sure.” 

Sophia glared at Amy, but she didn’t back down. 

“I know _exactly_ who you are,” Amy said slowly, threateningly. “And you do _not_ scare me. And Jake deserves way better than you.”

Another snarky laugh from Sophia. “What, like _you_?” 

Amy rolled her eyes, and Jake moved back between them. 

“Okay, first of all, Amy’s the best person I know. I would be lucky to be with someone like her.”

Amy cut him off again, “And more importantly, Jake would never be with someone as stupid as you.”

Jake turned to look at Amy, an eyebrow raised. He _was_ with her. For six years. And Sophia was actually really smart. Amy was right that Jake would never be in a relationship with a woman who wasn’t smart, but he wasn’t sure why she was saying that about Sophia.

“I’m sorry, what?” Sophia asked. 

“I _said_ , Jake would never be with someone as stupid as you. You let go of the best guy that you could have possibly gotten, and why? To _fuck_ ,” she said the word aggressively, pausing for emphasis, “some random guys? And clearly it didn’t fulfill you the way you had hoped, because here you are, trying to fuck Jake again.” 

Sophia scoffed and looked at Jake. 

“What, you’re just going to let her talk about me like that?”

Jake shrugged his shoulders and put his hands up innocently. “I can’t control her.” 

Sophia shook her head. “God, Jake, I can’t believe you. Have fun with whatever the fuck this is.” 

She turned away on her heel and stomped off. 

“Hey, Sophia?” Jake called. She stopped, but didn’t turn to look at him. 

“Stay away from me. And stay away from my friends.” 

He heard her laugh again as she walked away. 

He turned to look at Amy. “Hey, sorry about that.” His hand travelled uncomfortably to the back of his neck. “And thanks for defending me.” 

She shrugged and smiled at him. “No problem. I’ll see you on Wednesday?”

He nodded and smiled back. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” 

He watched as she left the room, watching her walk down the hallway and out the door. 

Maybe he’d get over, sometime. 

Maybe next semester, when they didn’t have classes together. 

Maybe then.


	10. Do You Feel Better Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I gave you guys a little taste of happiness. Here's another brief taste. 
> 
> TW for this chapter: violence. I'm about to archive warnings now, but in case it doesn't update before you see it. 
> 
> Title from Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

Jake got to class early on Wednesday. He was so excited to see Amy. He had been restraining himself when it came to texting her, though he really wanted to. Amy walked in about ten minutes before anyone else got there. She smiled at him when she came in, then walked over and sat in her seat. She was quiet a moment, but then she turned around to face him. 

“Why don’t you come back and sit in your seat?” She asked. 

“What, you don’t want to sit by Dennis?” 

She tilted her head, raising an eyebrow and waiting for him to explain. 

He laughed. “The guy who sits next to you. I call him Dennis.” 

She laughed, too. It had been a while since he had heard her laugh, and all he wanted was to hear it again. “His name’s Brandon, you dork.” 

He happily moved to his old seat, next to his old friend. He rested his cheek on his hand and smiled dreamily at her. She laughed again. 

“What?”

He smiled for a moment longer before answering. “I just really missed sitting here.” 

“Hey, did you want to grab coffee after class? It’s been a while since we’ve hung out…” 

“Yes!” He answered so quickly that he was sure she was going to take the offer back. He tried to play it off, to sound a little cool, but he was so excited. “I mean, yeah, you know, that’d be cool.” He let the charade go and smiled wider. She smiled back, and they talked a little until class started. 

They were on their way to the little coffee shop together, falling in step with one another. The shop was outdoors, with a little window that you walked up to. They were almost there when Jake saw someone vaguely familiar. He couldn’t place the face immediately. He was scrunching his eyebrows, staring at the man and trying to figure it out when Amy followed his gaze. 

She stopped walking. 

“Jake, let’s go.” She grabbed his hand and turned around, pulling him in the opposite direction. 

“Amy! Is that you?” The voice called out. 

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Amy started mumbling. 

She turned around with the biggest, fakest smile Jake had ever seen. 

“Teddy! Hi!” He had never heard the tone in her voice before. He had heard her sound uncomfortable, but there was a certain shakiness. She sounded small, and it caught Jake off guard. He looked at Amy with concern before averting his attention to the man approaching them. 

She looked at Jake, her eyes appearing almost fearful. “Hey, Jake, do you wanna go order for us?” She smiled again, her teeth practically barred. He could see her jaw clenching as she ground her teeth together. What was happening?

“Uh, sure, Ames… You just want your usual?” She nodded at him, scrunching up her nose, adding another layer of fake happiness. 

He walked away warily, keeping his eyes on her as he went. He ordered quickly and stood off to the side, giving Amy the space that he thought she needed, but watching closely in case she needed him. 

He was standing just far enough away that he could kind of hear what they were saying without eavesdropping too hard. He watched the way she was standing. Her body language was not like that which he had ever seen on her. She looked shaky. Her hands trembled as she spoke to him. He could see her shaky knees, her eyebrows scrunched together uncomfortably. 

The man, Teddy, was talking to her. He gestured to Jake, holding his hand up as if he was saying ‘and what’s going on here?’ Jake felt like maybe he should step in, but he waited. But the longer he watched, the more he wanted Teddy to leave. He could see the stress it was causing Amy. It was like when she walked into his birthday party times a thousand. Finally, he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

He walked back over to where they were standing. 

“Hey, is everything okay over here?” Amy glanced up at Jake, her eyes looking distant. She looked empty. 

Teddy shoved his hands in his pockets, glaring at Jake. 

“Yeah, everything’s great. I was just reminding Amy here of a few things.”

Amy looked away, down at the ground. 

Jake eyed him carefully. “Yeah, everything doesn’t look okay to me.” 

Teddy’s hand flung up to Jake’s chest, a thump sound echoing as he slammed the back of his hand against Jake, knocking him backward a few inches. Amy stepped back and froze, eyes wide as she watched the situation unfold in front of her. 

Jake was calm. He looked at Teddy without moving forward, an even tone rising among the voices of bystanders piling around them. “You need to leave.” 

Teddy stepped forward, getting in his face. “You need to watch what the fuck you say to me.” He glanced back at Amy, then chuckled. “It doesn’t matter. You’ll find out, just like I did. She’s just another fucking slut.” 

“God,” Jake muttered. “I really wish you hadn’t just said that.” 

“What the fuck are you gonna-” Teddy’s words were cut short by Jake’s fist colliding with his face. _Hard_. 

Amy gasped as Teddy was sent backward. He held his face before he looked up at Jake. “You shouldn’t have done that.” He laughed again. 

“Jake, stop!” Amy yelled. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Teddy snapped at her before pulling his arm back, smashing his fist forward into Jake’s face. The crowd surrounding them was getting larger and larger. The people surrounding them were closing in, making the space smaller and smaller. Amy was already crying, and Jake turned his focus onto her after he recovered from the hit. He turned to look at her, but Teddy’s fist crashed into his jaw. 

He was pulled back in, swinging at Teddy until two other men broke into the circle and pulled the two of them apart. Amy had pushed her way to the outside of the circle. She was breathing hard, struggling to see through her tears when Jake had made his way to her. His nose was bleeding and he was already bruising. She ran into his arms, hiding her face in his chest as she cried. 

Teddy made his way back over to them. Jake was already whispering to her, trying to calm her down. 

“This isn’t over. That goes double for you, Santiago.” He spit some of his blood on the ground and turned around, storming away from the crowd. 

Jake held her tighter, squeezing her in his arms. 

She pulled away from him, looking at his face. “You shouldn’t have done that.” Her words were broken by her sobs, but clear. “Jake. He’s not lying.” She moved back into his arms. 

“Hey, it’s okay, babe. It’s fine.” He kissed her forehead, running his fingers through his hair as he hugged her. 

She pulled back away again, this time further. 

“No, Jake. It’s not. It’s not okay. You didn’t have to- You shouldn’t have-” She stopped, letting go of another sob before continuing. “I don’t need you to defend me. I grew up with seven brothers, I can take care of myself.”

“Amy, I know that-”

“Then why did you hit him?!”

“I- I thought- He-”

“You don’t even know him! How can you tell me that everything is okay?”

It was at that moment that he could see exactly how scared she was. She wasn’t mad that he was protecting her. She was afraid of Teddy. 

“Amy, what did he do to you?” 

She shook her head, burying her face in her hands. 

“I need to leave,” she said quietly, taking in a staggered breath. 

“Let me take you home.” 

“No, Jake. You’ve done enough.” 

She turned away, leaving him alone. Again. 

“Jake? Is there a Jake over here?” 

He turned to see the man at the coffee counter holding out two drinks. 

Turns out things actually _could_ get worse.


	11. And You Can Think of Me When You Forget Your Seatbelt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Non-graphic domestic violence. 
> 
> This is another short, but very important chapter. 
> 
> Title from Seventy Times Seven, by Brand New.

She hadn’t left her apartment in three days. She thought she was past all this. She thought she had been getting better. She thought he didn’t affect her like this anymore. She was wrong. She was so wrong. 

She barely even moved. She was on day three of barely even moving. The only time she got up was to get the door. She got the door every time someone knocked, all throughout the day and night. Jake was there, once every few hours, to check on her. 

“If you’d just answer your phone,” he had said, “I wouldn’t have to come here to check on you.” 

She jumped every time he knocked. Even when he texted beforehand to say he was coming, she jumped. She even jumped when her phone would buzz. And every time she got up, she snuck past the windows, even though they were covered. She didn’t want her shadow to go past. She didn’t want to let the wrong person know that she was home. 

And every time, she would look through the peephole, and every time, it was just Jake. And every time, she sighed deeply and opened the door for him, so he could see that she was alright. And every time, he would step inside and pull her into his arms, holding her until she would relax a little. And every time, he would apologize. And every time, she would ask him to leave again. And he would. Then he would be back a few hours later, with food that she wouldn't eat. He would make her drink water, and she would make him leave. And he would.

He respected her. He was nice to her. He was sweet, and he was caring. He was nothing like Teddy. But Teddy was nothing like Teddy, too. In the beginning. That’s why it was so hard for her. She hadn’t been in a relationship since Teddy. It was easier for her to just act on her physical desires than it was for her to pursue any sort of emotional relationship. Because emotion is how it all started. 

Everything was perfect. She loved him. He loved her. Then he proposed, and she was thrilled. “You’re too young,” her mother had said. “You should wait.”

That’s how he separated her from her family. 

“They’re always trying to break us up. They don’t want what’s best for you. You don’t need them.” 

He dropped those little seeds, more and more throughout their days. He cultivated them, showering them with kind acts and love, to prove that he was the one who loved her most. He was the one who was looking out for her. He was the one who had her best interest in mind. Then the trees grew tall, walling her off from everyone else until she found herself lost in a forest, running in circles trying to find her way out, but there was only him. 

But then he planted flowers. And he watered them, too. He made a beautiful place for them, separated from the world. And she loved it there. She found herself circling the forest less and less. She could build a home in that forest and love it there. There was beauty in the seclusion. 

But then she got stuck late at work one day. That was all it took. That’s what started it all. One by one, he began ripping up every flower that he had planted. He stopped showering all those seeds that he had planted until everything around them was dark, dead, decomposed. But the trees were so tall. They were so strong. She couldn’t cut them down, and he didn’t want to. 

He planted new seeds, and as they grew taller, the landscape became more confusing. There were thorns. There were vines. Everywhere she ran, she got stuck. She got hurt. Her ankle would get caught on one of the vines. She fell, that’s how she got that bloody lip. She got caught in the thorns. He had been trying to pull her out. That’s what those bruises were. 

He loved her. 

He loved her.

And it wasn’t all bad. Sometimes he was sweet. Sometimes he would bring flowers, again. He never planted them, but sometimes he brought them, planted and nurtured in someone else’s grass. 

And growing up with seven brothers _hadn’t_ prepared her. Nothing could have prepared her. This is what love was? This is what everyone talked about?

He _loved_ her.

It took her so long to get out. Not because she loved him. She knew long before she was out that she didn’t love him. She was afraid of him. And she was afraid of failure. She was embarrassed. Her mother had been correct. She should have waited. She shouldn’t have said yes. They had been planning a wedding. They had sent out invitations. She didn’t want to have to face everyone, to tell them why she was calling it all off. 

She was alone. She couldn’t reach out to her family. She had burned all of those bridges, she had distanced herself from everyone who loved her. Everyone but him. 

It was a particularly bad storm that helped her find her way out. The lightning illuminated her way. The thunder boomed, and it hurt as she pulled herself free, but she pushed through anyway. The wind had knocked one of the trees down. That’s the only way that she made it out. She was lucky. She only had a broken rib, a black eye. 

It had been a long time since that storm, but every now and then, she heard the thunder rumble. It shook her to her core, every time. And every time, she hid. She hid inside of herself, so deep that she didn’t know if she would ever be able to make it out again. 

She had planted her own trees, this time to keep people out of her forest. There were a few people who had found their way through the thick shrubbery. Her mother. Kylie. And as much as she tried to fight it, Jake. He hadn’t made it all the way quite yet, but he was working his way there. He had a flashlight ready, working at all times to get closer to the center of the trees. Sometimes he took the wrong path, but he always seemed to redirect himself, to find the path that he needed to follow. And every path that he left, he left a little better than the way that he had found it. 

He was planting new flowers. Different flowers. Softer, more beautiful flowers. Not the flowers that you would pick when you saw them, but the flowers that would make you gasp, wondering at how something so perfect could grow out of the cold, hard ground. He left trails of forget-me-nots, solidifying his presence a little more in Amy’s landscape each time he came around. 

Then Jake ran head first into the storm. The storm was back. And she wasn’t sure that his new flowers could withstand the winds. She wasn’t ready to find out. 

She wished the storm was dead. 

She jumped. A knock at the door. 

She was snapped out of her thoughts, turning to look at the window. It was raining, now. Raining wasn’t the right word. It was definitely more of a storm, though she didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to think about who may be on the other side of the door. The world’s little joke, the coincidence of the onset of a storm at the arrival of the storm himself, Teddy Wells. 

She tiptoed across the house, avoiding the windows again. She looked through the peephole. It was Jake. He was soaked. He looked… different.

She opened the door. He stood still, standing in the pouring rain. 

“Amy,” he said softly. His voice cracked. She could see now in the light from her porch that he wasn’t just wet from the rain. He had been crying, too. 

“It’s Sophia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Is that what you call a getaway?_  
>  _Well, tell me what you got away with_.  
>  _Cause I've seen mores spine in jellyfish_ ,  
>  _I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids_.  
>  _So have another drink and drive yourself home_ ,  
>  _I hope there's ice on all the roads_ ,  
>  _and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt_ ,  
>  _and again when your head goes through the windshield_.


	12. Don't Wipe Your Eyes, Tears Remind You You're Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOooOOooOOooh. This might be the only chapter you get today, though I won't commit to that. You might get one tonight when I get off work, too. 
> 
> I believe they call this: hurt/comfort. 
> 
> Title from Ed Sheeran's Even My Dad Does Sometimes.

She opened her eyes slowly. It was still dark outside. Jake was still wrapped up in her blankets, resting his head on her chest as he slept. He snored lightly. 

She carded her fingers through his hair and pressed a kiss onto his forehead. 

_What a fucking mess_. 

It had been a long couple of hours. 

She had pulled Jake into the house, taking is sopping wet body into her arms and holding him as he cried. She calmed him down, got some hot chocolate going for them. She called Gina as he rested his head on the counter, closing his eyes briefly. 

“Yeah, can you bring Jake some clothes? Maybe a couple outfits. Something comfortable and something to wear out of the house, if he needs it.” She paused. “Wait… Have you talked to him?”

“No? Why can’t Jake come get his own clothes?” 

Amy stepped out of the room that Jake was in, shutting the door to her bedroom so he couldn’t hear her speak. 

“Sophia was in a car crash, Gina. She’s-” Amy stopped talking, thinking about Jake in the other room. “He’s not doing well.” 

“I’m on my way,” she responded after she absorbed the news. “Text me the address.” 

Amy stepped back into the room. Jake was looking at her. 

“Why is everything always so bad?”

“Jake,” she said softly. “It isn’t always bad.” 

“Yes. It is. With us. With me and Soph-” He looked down. “With him. With us again. Things are always bad.” 

She sat down next to him, squeezing his arm a little as she did. “Jake, things are a little hard right now. But everything isn’t always bad.”

“Yeah? What’s not bad?” 

“You,” Amy responded quietly. “You’re not bad. You’re-” 

He was laughing, now. She stopped speaking to look at him. She tried her hardest to actually see him, this time. The little scar on his forehead, the way his damp hair was starting to curl against it. The dimple that appeared in his left cheek when he clenched his teeth, framed by one small freckle. 

“Jake, I-” he quieted his laughter, turning to look at her with a somber look in his eyes. 

The room felt so thick. He set his hand on her thigh, squeezing lightly to let her know that he understood. He was sorry, he was just upset. He didn’t mean it. He appreciated her. And she wondered when the last time she had been close enough to a person that she could get all of that from one simple, wordless action was. 

And she leaned forward until they were almost touching, her knees now between his thighs. She placed her hand on his cheek. He kept her eye contact as he leaned into her touch. Then slowly, giving him time to back out of the interaction, she pressed forward, pulling his lips to hers and accommodating to the pressure she found there. 

He kissed her back, but this kiss was different from their last one. It was soft. It was fragile. Neither of them moved too much, for fear that when they broke away, they would shatter the little bubble that they had built around themselves in that moment. But when his tongue traced her lips, he hesitated, and pulled away enough that he could lean his forehead against hers. 

His voice was pained. “Ames,” he let out a staggered breath before continuing. “You can’t just kiss me whenever you feel like it.” His eyes were closed as he leaned against her, this moment more intimate than the last. He took another shaky breath, nuzzling his face closer to hers. He wanted to kiss her again, but he continued speaking. “It only helps at the moment. And then tomorrow… And then when you get confused-”

She backed away from him. He opened his eyes, searching her face at the loss of her touch. Her hand returned to his cheek. 

Her voice was as soft as she could muster, as if being too loud would break the man in front of her. “Jake.” He looked at her, eyebrows knitting together as he tried to understand the look on her face. “I’m not confused.” 

He looked at her, realization of what exactly she meant slowly washing over his features. Then, for the first time, sitting on the barstools in Amy’s kitchen, Jake Peralta leaned into her, taking her face in both of his hands and pressing his lips against hers in a way that was so delicate that she couldn’t even be sure that it had really happened. 

This time it was Jake who deepened the kiss. It was Jake who was pulling her closer, indulging a desire that he had been working to avoid in all of the time that they had been getting to know each other. It was Jake who had his fingers in her hair, who was pulling her onto his lap so he could wrap his arms around her more readily. It was Jake who was holding onto her like he was afraid she might disappear, finding somewhere new to place his hands every few seconds as if to make sure that she was actually real. And then it was Jake who pulled away, breathing softly against her skin and leaning in to hug her until he was crying again, sobs heaving into her chest as she held him, stroking her fingers through his hair and whispering kind words to him. 

He had calmed down, but they remained in their embrace. Amy was perched onto his lap, his face still hidden in her chest as she pulled her fingers comfortingly through his hair, coaxing soft breaths out of him. An abrupt sound caused her to jump, flinching and startling the both of them. Jake tightened his grip on her. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry about him.”

She didn’t say anything. He was wrong, she did have to worry about him. She simply extricated herself from his lap and tiptoed toward the door, cautiously checking the peephole before opening the door for Gina. 

Gina rushed into the door, duffel bag full of clothes and things for Jake in her hand. 

“Jake, oh my god, are you okay?” She ran over to him, pulling him into a hug. 

“Yeah, Gina, I’ll be fine,” he said quietly. “Thanks.” 

Gina pulled away to look at him, assessing where he was in his grieving process. She decided that he did look like he’d be okay, and in turn took a look around the room. 

“Geez, Amy, is this your grandma’s house?” 

Amy rolled her eyes and raised her eyebrows. “Ha-ha. Good one.”

“I’m just saying… I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a plaque that said ‘Nana’s House’ hanging above the door.” 

Jake laughed a little at that, and Amy shot him an annoyed glance.

“There he is!” Gina yelled. Amy smiled, too. “So this bag has a few changes of clothes, enough for a couple days in case you don’t make it home. I also tossed in your tooth brush and some of your shower stuff, just in case.”

She looked at Amy warily and then covered her mouth so Amy couldn’t see her lips. She whispered loud enough that Amy could still hear her. “There’s also a bottle of vodka, but be careful because you-know-who got a little sloppy that time she had four drinks.” 

Jake laughed, but shot cautious glances over to Amy. She hadn’t known that he had told Gina about the day she tried to get him in bed. Amy raised her eyebrows knowingly as she looked it him, but she just smiled. She didn’t really care that Gina knew about that. And besides. That was just a one-time thing. There was nothing to “be careful” about. 

Gina said her goodbyes and pulled Amy to the side before she left. 

“Take care of him, Amy. Even if he says he’s fine, he’s not. He seems okay at the moment, but it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. I know Jake.” She nodded at Amy, grabbing her shoulder reassuringly. “And call me if anything seems too weird with him. I’ve got Karen Peralta on speed dial and I am not afraid to call her.” 

Amy nodded. “Thanks, Gina.” 

And then she was gone, the door locked behind her. Jake had already gone to the other room to change into his dry clothes, returning to the living room in gray sweatpants and an NYPD t-shirt. 

He smiled lazily at Amy, looking almost embarrassed at the was she was looking at him. 

“I’m just so exhausted,” he said quietly. 

“You wanna come to bed?” She asked. 

He raised an eyebrow, trying to get the clear implications of her words. She laughed, then clarified. 

“I can turn on Die Hard? And we can go to sleep.”

He nodded, following her into the bedroom and making himself comfortable in her blankets while she got the movie ready. Finally, once the opening credits were playing, she settled into the bed next to him. He pulled her against his body, and she snuggled in, feeling like they finally fit perfectly with one another. 

He kissed her forehead and then slowly, regretfully spoke. “You know… We’re going to have to _talk_ about all of this, right?” He almost shuddered at the thought. 

She nodded against his chest. “Yeah, I know. But not now.” 

He must have been really tired, because he didn’t even finish the movie. His _favorite_ movie. He was still holding onto her and she worked to not wake him up as she reached for the remote to turn off the tv. Jake Peralta, holding her while he slept. Jake Peralta, in her bed. Jake Peralta’s ex-girlfriend, dead from her involvement in a car crash. Amy Santiago’s ex-boyfriend, ready to come after both of them at any moment. 

_What a fucking mess_.


	13. Like the Feeling of What He Needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake deals with the aftermath of the news and his night with Amy. 
> 
> TW: non-graphic depiction of a car accident in which the victim was not wearing a seatbelt. 
> 
>  
> 
> Title from Remembering Sunday by All Time Low, the other half of the Two Eggs Don't Last title sequence. Because breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this is going over the last chapter from Jake's perspective, with some of his added thoughts.
> 
> Did you guys survive one day without me posting? ;)

Jake woke up early. Like, way early. Like 6am early. And he was slightly confused when he found himself in Amy’s bed, curled up against her, so he replayed the last 24 hours over in his head. 

He had been watching her apartment since she locked herself up in it. He was worried that maybe she was right, maybe Teddy would come back for her. And he couldn’t fathom the idea of leaving her alone there with the possibility of that happening. So he parked his car just far enough away that Amy wouldn’t be mad at him for not going home and he waited. Every now and then, he would leave for a little while to run by his apartment or to grab food for them, but for the most part, he spent three days sitting outside of Amy’s apartment to make sure she was safe. And he would’ve stayed out there longer, too. For weeks, if he had to. 

But then late on the third night, he got a phone call. He was startled by his ringtone, breaking the peaceful sound of the rain pouring around him. When he glanced at his screen, he expected a call from Charles, Gina, maybe even Amy. What he didn’t expect to see was Sophia’s mom’s name on the screen. 

He and Sophia’s mom had a great relationship while the two of them had been together. After they split up a few short months ago, Sophia’s mom would periodically check in on Jake to see how he was doing. She always pressed for more details on what had happened, and Jake never offered her any answers. He almost ignored her call, as he didn’t want to have to deal with one of those conversations, now. But he was so bored from sitting in his car alone that he slid the little green button, picking up the call. 

“He-”

Jake stopped when he heard the sobbing on the other end. 

_“Jacob,” she had said. It took her a long time to compose herself enough to explain to him what had happened, why she was crying_. 

_It had been raining all day. They were all going to dinner together, Sophia and her family. Her dad had driven separately to go get her grandparents, so it was just her and her mother in the car. They had been joking. Her mother was looking at her, laughing about whatever conversation they were having_. 

_When she turned her head back to look at the road, she was already too close. It was so rainy, and they were on the freeway, she was going so fast. She hit the brake, but the car didn’t stop. She swerved, but she couldn’t gain control. She hit two cars, one to the left of her and the one in front of her. They were going so fast. It all happened so fast. Sophia didn’t have on her seatbelt, and_ -

 _She had been ejected from the car. Her mom described--in detail, the scene that played out before her. Sophia sent further than she had have thought possible, through the windshield, into the road in front of them. When the police came, they kept saying she was DOA. Her mother had to ask what that meant. Dead on arrival_. 

_She continued crying, leaving Jake silently listening to his longtime ex-girlfriend’s mother crying over the loss that he hadn’t even had time to process. By the time he got her off the phone, he had already gotten out of the car, practically suffocating on the stuffy air as he tried to breathe through the scenario that he found himself in_. 

_Sophia was dead_. 

_She had died that morning_.

_Sophia was dead and the last thing he had said to her was “stay away from me.”_

_And he meant it_. 

_And now Sophia was dead_.

 _And how should that make him feel_?

He didn’t know. But he was crying. And he didn’t know he was crying at first, because it was raining so much, but then he couldn’t see anymore because the tears were blurring his vision. And he couldn’t come up with any coherent thoughts, repeating one thing over and over in his mind. 

_Sophia is dead_.

 _Sophia is dead_.

 _Sophia is dead_.

And he was shaking, and he didn’t know what to do or where to go. And he hadn’t remembered what he was doing there in the first place, because all he could think was

 _Sophia is dead_.

 _Sophia is dead_.

 

 _Sophia is dead_?

 _How could Sophia be dead? He had seen her less than a week ago. Sophia couldn’t be dead. That didn’t make any sense_.

 _Sophia, who he had grown up with. Sophia, who he had learned how to go through life with. Sophia, who he had loved so much from such a young age. Sophia, who had hurt him, who had broken him, who had used him, who had lied to him_. 

_Sophia_. 

_Was dead_?

He stood outside, the rain pouring around him, the thunder crashing , flashes of lightning first crackling through the still day-sky until somehow it was night, and the dark abyss around him was lit up with every fit of lightning. 

And then without telling his legs to move, he found himself in front of Amy, somehow having navigated his way through knocking on her door, through the words: 

“It’s Sophia.” 

He didn’t remember saying it, but he knew that he did. He didn’t remember walking up the steps or knocking on the door. He didn’t remember how long had passed between when he first answered the phone and when he said the words aloud himself, but he knew that it felt like years. It felt like an eternity, but it passed so quickly. 

And then he was in Amy’s house, wet and cold, but in her arms, and things felt...numb. He couldn’t say things felt okay, because he wasn’t sure that he was feeling much of anything. But in her presence, the thought screaming inside his head, making itself undeniably known, had quieted. It was still present, but it was less pronounced. He had minimal space for other thoughts to make their way through. 

_Sophia is dead_.

 _And I’m really fucking cold_.

 _Sophia is dead_. 

_And my socks are sticking to my feet_.

 _Sophia is dead_. 

_And I’m not sure what that means_. 

And he didn’t plan to speak, he didn’t walk himself through the motions, it just happened. His voice sounded outside of himself, like someone else was speaking. 

“Why is everything always so bad?”

She turned to look at him from where she was, a worried look spreading across her features. He could practically see the headache forming from how tightly her eyebrows were scrunched together. “Jake, it isn’t always bad.” 

“Yes it is. With us. With me and Soph-” he couldn’t say her name again. “With him. With us again. Things are always bad.” 

She looked away momentarily at the mention of him, but she composed herself quickly. He didn’t watch her as she moved closer, but he looked up at her when she placed her hand on his bicep, squeezing lightly. “”Jake, things are a little hard right now, but everything isn’t always bad.” 

He looked back away. “Yeah? What’s not bad?” 

“You. You’re not bad. You’re-”

And he didn’t mean to. He never would have done this on purpose, not to Amy. But he was laughing. He was laughing hard. 

_Sophia was dead_.

 _And he was bad_.

 _Sophia was dead_. 

_And he hadn’t said goodbye_.

 _Sophia was dead_.

 _And the last thing he had said to her was “stay away from me.”_

_Sophia was dead_.

 _And Amy was looking at him like he was dead, too_. 

“Jake, I-” She stopped talking, probably unsure of what to say. Because what the fuck do you say in this situation? _‘Sorry your ex-girlfriend who you kind of hated but also still loved is dead?’_

_Sophia was dead_. 

_And there was nothing he could do_. 

_Sophia was dead_. 

_And Amy looked scared. She looked hurt_. 

_But Sophia was dead_. 

He rested his hand on her thigh, squeezing. It wasn’t much, but it was the best apology he could manage to give her in that moment. And then she was closer to him, in his space. 

_And Sophia was fucking **dead**_. 

Then her warm hand pressed against his cheek. Everything stopped. There was silence. There was nothing. He leaned into her touch, leaning closer to the feeling, away from the thought that had been tormenting him. He wanted the silence. He had never wanted silence so badly in his life. He wanted to float away in this silence, to float into the nothingness and forget this day had ever happened. 

They were so close. Jake would have done anything to stay that close, to keep her there, hand on his face, pushing away the thought, the voice, the words in his head. And when she leaned in closer, so slowly, he wanted her to kiss him. 

And with her lips on his, the silence changed. He had new thoughts, thoughts that didn’t center on Sophia. His thoughts were revolving around the woman who was with him, the one whose thigh his hand was still touching. 

_You’re kissing Amy, again_.

 _And she’s confused_. 

_She’s confused, and you’re hurt_. 

_She just wants to make you feel better_.

And he found himself pulling away, though he didn’t want to. It _was_ making him feel better.

He leaned his forehead against hers. “Ames,” he paused, taking a weak, shaky breath. “You can’t just kiss me whenever you feel like it.” He kept his eyes closed as he leaned against her. He tried again to take a deep breath, falling just short of a breath that satisfied his lungs, nuzzling his face closer to hers. God, he wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to get rid of the thought. He could feel it creeping back up on him, even with her so close. “It only helps at the moment. And then tomorrow… And then when you get confused-”

She pulled away. And without a pause, it was back. 

_Sophia is dead_. 

_Sophia is dead_. 

_Sophia is dead_. 

“Jake,” she said as she looked at him. She moved her hand back to his cheek, placating the angry voice inside of his head. God, he loved her for taking the voice away. “I’m not confused.” 

The silence benefitted him now, as he tried to piece together what she was saying. It took him longer than it normally would have, but then he was pulling her in, kissing her, holding her. The voice was gone and it felt so good, it felt so calm, it felt so _quiet_. And Amy was real. Amy was there. Amy was in front of him. He knew, because he could feel her underneath his fingers, feel her in his arms as he hugged her. And their kisses were soft, but he wanted more. He wanted to make the thoughts go away, to make the day go away, to make everything go away, but Amy was reluctant. Amy wasn’t matching his pace. 

_Sophia was dead_. 

_And he was kissing Amy_. 

_And Sophia was dead_. 

And he was crying again. Without warning, he was crying, and he stopped kissing her, opting instead for hiding his face away from her, holding onto her as tightly as he could, because he couldn’t let her get away, too. 

_Sophia was dead_. 

_And everyone always left. They left, like his dad, or they died, like his nana_. 

_Or they did both. Like Sophia_. 

And as Amy held him, brushing her fingers through his hair and whispering to him, he thought about the day in his closet, where he whispered to her in a similar way, pressing his hand against her face, and he watched her work to adjust her breathing. He watched the scene play over in his head, trying to match his breathing to her own at a different time. 

And then she jumped, startling him and accelerating his breathing once more, when there was a knock at the door. He saw her look warily at the door and knew immediately why she had done it. Once again, the voice quieted as he looked at the fear in her eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry about him.” And she didn’t have to worry about him. Not as long as Jake was around. Because he couldn’t stop Amy from leaving like everyone else, but he would do anything in his power to protect her from the alternative. 

The time with Gina passed quickly, but he remembered laughing at her teasing Amy. Two of the most important women in his life, both worried about him. He knew that he had told Gina he would be fine, but he didn’t know if that was true. He saw that Gina didn’t know, either. He also saw Gina pull Amy off to the side as he stalked away slowly, set on changing into some warm, dry clothes. 

And as he stripped off his wet clothes, images burned into his mind worked their way out of their hiding. 

_He and Sophia, out late after attending a football game their senior year. They had been caught the rain and ran to his car as fast as they could, still soaked by the time they made it there. The game he had made of who could get whose wet clothes off of them faster. Her laugh as she struggled with his jeans, accepting her failure but still working at pulling them off of him anyway_. 

_Sitting in his sixth grade first-hour science class, watching as a new student walked in. A girl much taller than him at the time, dark hair falling past her shoulders. She sat next to him and leaned over as class started. “Hi, I’m Sophia.”_

_Leaning against the locker next to hers, waiting for her to close her locker door to reveal his wide, goofy smile. “I got you something.” The smile spreading across her face as he dangled a necklace in front of her, the same necklace she still wore every day, even now that they were no longer together_. 

_Hanging out at her apartment, a little over six months ago. They were watching basketball, talking about some of their favorite memories throughout their lives. Just existing together, being present while the other recounted the things that made them happiest_.

 _Sophia was dead_. 

_How could Sophia be dead?_

When he walked back out, he flashed Amy a half-smile. She was looking at him with a combination of concern and pain herself, which made him feel uncomfortable. He felt like she thought he might break, and he wanted her to stop looking at him like that, but he didn’t know how to ask her to stop. Finally, she broke the silence, asking him if he wanted to come to bed with her.

_Do I want to come to bed?_

_Sophia’s **dead**_.

She clarified that she simply meant did he want to go lay down in her bed, like they had done on another occasion, maybe watch Die Hard, and sleep. He agreed, feeling exhausted both from all of the emotion that had been coursing through him throughout the day and from his lack of sleep the past few days. He thought that Die Hard would be a great distraction for him. Amy quickly hurried to get everything prepared for him, but he just snuggled into the blankets, calmer when she climbed into bed next to him, allowing him to pull her in closer and quiet his thoughts again. 

He dreamed of Sophia all night long. All the memories, good and bad, flooded him until he awoke, gasping to avoid drowning. That’s how he got to where he was now, sitting in Amy’s living room, thinking. 

He had showered and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, readying himself for the day slowly. By the time he was finished, it was still before 7am. He opened Amy’s bedroom door, smiling softly when he saw her still snuggled among her blankets sleeping peacefully. 

He had been sitting in her living room waiting for about 45 more minutes before she had walked out to greet him, flashing a sleepy smile before cautiously assessing him. 

“How are you doing? You’re up early.”

He smiled sadly. “Yeah. I had trouble sleeping.” He looked at the floor, then back up at her. “Breakfast at Lindenwood? I think maybe we should talk…” 

She nodded back in response. “Yeah, just let me get ready.” 

He was surprised at how quickly she agreed, especially given that she hadn’t even left her apartment in the three days prior. 

About twenty minutes later, they were on their way to Lindenwood Diner, driving along quietly in Jake’s car. It wasn’t until a little while later, sitting across from Amy and sifting an unnatural amount of sugar into his black coffee, that Jake had said the words he had been thinking aloud for the first time. 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.” 

Amy looked down, but she didn’t visibly react. She tapped her fingers slowly on the table in front of her and then smoothed her straw wrapper in her fingers before looking back up at him, silently encouraging him to continue. 

 

“It’s not that I didn’t want to.” He said the next part more quietly, almost under his breath.. “Obviously I did…” He cleared his throat. “But I don’t think it’s fair to either of us that I kissed you when-”

 _When Sophia just died_. 

He cleared his throat again, taking longer to compose himself than he would have liked. “I think right now I really need you as a friend, and I hope that you’d be willing to have me as your friend.” 

Amy blinked at him slowly. “Jake, of course I’m your friend. You don’t have to explain yourself. And…” She trailed off, looking away from him for a moment. “I actually kissed you, first. And I shouldn’t have. That wasn’t the right moment and it was inappropriate.” 

He shook his head. “I was glad you did.”

They both looked back down at the table, settling into a silence that was less than comfortable. The insignificant sounds from around the rest of the diner buzzed around them, but they were so focused on their own worlds, seemingly in slow motion as they crashed down around them. Finally, Amy spoke. 

“I will be here, no matter what you need. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do.” 

“Actually,” Jake began, quirking an eyebrow at her, his tone careful and slow. “I wanted to talk about everything else, too.”

“Everything else?” 

He nodded. “Do you feel safe? Alone at your apartment?”

She looked out the window, but didn’t say anything. He waited for her to respond, but after about a minute he realized that she simply wasn’t going to. He took a long drink of his coffee, giving her a little more time before he pressed the issue further. 

“If you don’t feel safe, I don’t think you should be there alone. At least not for a little while.” 

She reluctantly met his eyes and pressed her lips together tightly. “I’ll be okay.” 

She said the words, but nothing about her looked like she believed what she was saying. He watched her eyebrows twitch as she worked to keep her facial expression indifferent, but failed as they pulled closer to one another, creating the smallest stressed wrinkle between them. Her voice wavered as she said it, just enough that you could only hear it if you were really listening. He had been. He and Amy had been through a lot in the short time that they had known one another. They were ‘work colleagues,’ they were friends, they were more than friends, and they even went through periods where they didn’t speak to each other at all. 

Despite all of the inconsistencies in their relationship, Jake realized sometimes that he was learning things about her that he never specifically tried to learn. The lip bite, for example. Different qualities in her voice that would help him to piece together how she was actually feeling, even when she was putting up a front. Songs that she loved, based on how she tapped her foot or her fingers when they would come on, even when she was sober. How she tucked her hair behind both ears at the same time every now and then, looking at him just a little differently when she thought he wasn’t looking. 

And he realized that Amy was quickly becoming his best friend. Jake was friends with many people, but his best friends? They had always been Charles and Gina, from the time they were little kids. He never needed another best friend, because he already had the two best friends he could imagine. When he met Amy, he was going through something so dark that even his two best friends were trying hopelessly to pull him back out of it. But Amy came along, and even if he was first interested in being around her just because he thought she was hot, and even if her tedious organization really annoyed him at first, he realized that now, despite the periods of not speaking, he considered her to be his best friend, too. Even if she didn’t feel the same way. 

“Look, Ames. You can stay with me. Gina wouldn’t mind. Or I could stay with you. Or Kylie? You could stay with Kylie, maybe. She would understand.” She was looking at him funny. He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know what exactly he did to you, but I see how you look when he comes up and I saw how you looked when he was next to you. If you think there’s a chance that he is going to come back and try something, I don’t want you to be alone.” 

“You would stay with me?” Amy asked genuinely. 

He shrugged again. “I don’t really want to be alone right now, anyway.”

She nodded. “You can stay with me if you want.”

“Is that what you want?” 

She nodded slowly. 

“Great. Then I can sleep on the couch-”

“No, I have an extra room. It doesn’t have a bed in it but-”

“Cool, cool, cool. I can bring my mattress with me while I’m staying.”

She smiled at him, then narrowed her eyes scrutinizingly. She was assessing him again, he could tell. 

“What about you? How are you doing?”

He shrugged. “I’m thinking about her a lot. You know… I love her. I’ll always love her.” His voice broke a little, but he took a deep breath and looked down at the table. “She was my first love. And she really hurt me. But it still hurts that she’s gone. I guess I kind of always thought that one day we would get through all of this and we could be friends. It’s confusing.” 

Amy nodded. “It must be hard.” 

He nodded back, serious expression still on his face. “It Must Be Hard. Title of your sextape.” 

Amy rolled her eyes a little, but looked back at him seriously. “You don’t have to deflect, Jake. You can talk about her.” 

He nodded. “Not yet.” 

Neither of them were especially hungry when their breakfast came. They both picked at their food a little, soaking in the comfortable silence between them. Jake felt better just having her with him. His thoughts weren’t as intrusive as they had been the day before, but he was still feeling pretty sad, all things considered. But he was happy to have Amy as his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A clarification I wanted to make but didn't want to make in-text: Jake knows that everyone doesn't actually leave. He has Gina and Charles and his mom and they're all great. My dude is just upset. That will all be touched on at a later date.


	14. There's a Story at the Bottom of this Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a super short one, but it's a bridge to get me to a more serious place. 
> 
>  
> 
> Title from All Time Low's Dear Maria, Count Me In. A mf bop, by the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Vague description of a funeral.

“Gina? Hey, you remember when you told me to call you if I got too worried about Jake? Well, I’m calling you…” Amy sighed, her voice wavering. “Give me a call back when you get this, please.” 

She set her phone down on the counter and paced across to the living room, something she had done about a hundred times since she woke up and found that Jake was gone. It was currently 3am, which explained why Gina hadn’t answered. Did she even have anything to worry about? Maybe he had just gone back to his apartment after they had that little… would you even call that a fight? I mean… _Could_ you call that a fight? She hadn’t even responded… 

She really had no _real_ reason to think that Jake being gone at 3am was a serious problem. He hadn’t told her that he was leaving, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe he was giving her space? He had raised his voice at her earlier, but he had still been at her apartment for a reason and he hadn’t seemed like he was upset enough to leave her alone with… 

She didn’t have time to think about Teddy. Besides, it didn’t matter. If he was going to come do something, he would’ve already done it. It had been a week, now. There was no use in spending her time worrying over something that may never happen. Maybe Teddy didn’t think it was worth the stress. 

But Jake? He was worth her stress right now. 

Up until today, things went about as she had expected them to. It went about the way that she had _needed_ it to go. As far as things could go, they were both being pretty codependent. And Amy knew it wasn’t really healthy, but it was working out okay for the both of them. She was focusing on Jake, on taking care of him while he was going through the loss of Sophia, while he was focusing on helping Amy to feel safe in a life that was newly re-entangled with Teddy. Was that a therapist-recommended method of treatment for either situation? Probably not. But it was a good distraction. 

On the third day of living together, this morning, she, his other friends, and his mother accompanied him to Sophia’s funeral. Amy was expecting him to be a wreck, the way he had been for the past few days. Instead, Jake appeared emotionless. Amy watched him from the corner of her eye, waiting for him to fall apart. She promised him she would be there for him, whatever he needed. But he never did. 

They waited through the line to pay their respects, and when they reached the front, Jake walked slowly to the open casket. His friends piled around him, placing hands on him comfortingly. He shrugged everyone off. Amy knew that if she paid close enough attention, she would see his expression falter. But she was wrong. It didn’t. 

He reached his hand out and touched her lightly, his hand shaking. He shook his head, then pulled his hand back. That was it. That should’ve been the moment, but it wasn’t. Even when Sophia’s mother came over to hug him, crying and talking about all the memories she had of the two of them. Even when they came around to look at all the photographs, many of them containing Jake. He just had a blank stare, a stark contrast from the way that he had been acting even during that morning. As they lowered the casket into the ground, Sophia’s mother broke down, falling to her knees and crying. Even Amy, who had never had a positive experience with or heard a positive thing _about_ Sophia, found herself wiping away tears. But not Jake. 

On the ride home, Jake and Amy were finally alone. 

“Jake? You okay?”

She watched as he clenched his fists harder around the steering wheel, his veins becoming more prominent as he flexed. “Mhm.” 

“Jake…” She rested her hand on his forearm. He shrugged her off. She pulled her hand back into her lap, lacing her fingers together uncomfortably. 

“It’s okay to talk about it.” 

“Please.” She could hear the tiniest bit of discomfort in his voice. “Please just _stop_.” 

“Jake-”

“ _Amy_ ,” he said sternly, not _quite_ yelling, but definitely raising his voice. 

She turned away, facing the window and twisting her hands uncomfortably in her lap. She could hear him turn and look at her. He sighed loudly. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. 

Amy didn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride home. She looked out the window, ignoring Jake’s nervous tapping on the steering wheel. He pulled to a stop in front of her apartment and without missing a beat, Amy had her seatbelt off and her door open, already getting out and leaving a bewildered Jake in the car alone. He opened his door and got out, standing next to the car. 

“Ames, c’mon,” he tried, but she was still ignoring him, marching up the steps to her landing. He watched from the ground, unsure about whether or not he was supposed to follow her. He watched her disappear into the door, but it didn’t close behind her. So he _was_ supposed to follow her. 

He stalked up the stairs, waiting for the argument that he was sure was waiting for him inside. But when he got up there, Amy was nowhere to be found. Which… maybe was worse. 

And what he _wanted_ to do was walk over to her door, knock lightly, come in whether she told him to or not. He wanted to flop down on the bed with her, to apologize for yelling, to just cry and be in the same space as her. He wanted to lean his head on her shoulder and listen to her breaths falling lightly until she fell asleep. God, he was so _tired_. So tired. He just wanted to lay next to her and sleep. He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to be not alone with _her_. 

He doesn’t know why he turns in the other direction. He finds himself in his new bedroom, digging through the bag that Gina had brought him the other day. Reaching for the bottle of vodka, untwisting the cap. Without even thinking about it, without explicitly making the choice, the bottle is raised to his lips. But all he wanted was Amy. 

Or was all he wanted Sophia? 

He wasn’t sure. But he was sure that could have a drink. And then another. And then, _fuck it, why not have one more?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate you all. Thanks for all your comments and kudos!


	15. Can We Forget About the Things I Said When I Was Drunk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize _greatly_ in advance for this chapter. Additionally, I apologize for the character assassination of Jake Peralta that takes place here. 
> 
> Title from My Own Worst Enemy by Lit.

The music rumbling from a distance is what caught his attention first. Next, it was the weird sensation on his shoulder. Was someone… kissing him? 

He opened his eyes slowly, greeting the large dog that was licking him, now on his neck moving toward his jaw. He sat up quickly, abruptly banging his head on the table. He fell back on the floor, wincing not only at the pain from banging his head, but at the pain that was already residing in his skull. A hangover. The dog resumed licking his face. He groaned. 

“God, get away from me. Who are you?”

“Hey, Fievel! You up?” A booming voice came from across the room. The dog doesn’t move toward the voice, so Jake has to assume that the voice is addressing him. He sits up, banging his head on the table _again_. 

Another loud groan. “Why am I under this fucking table?” His question was aimed at no one in particular, but Jake saw a pair of shoes walk up next to the table. The owner of the shoes bent down, looking at Jake. 

“Feivel!” 

Jake groaned a third time, turning his head away from the stranger. But reluctantly, he finished the reference. “Papaaaaa,” he groaned in a dejected voice. He didn’t know why this man was quoting Fievel Goes West at him, but this was his life. Might as well go with it. 

“Do you remember me?” The man asked. “Rufus!” He called out to the dog, who turned and walked across the room. 

Jake turned back to him, his eyes fluttering open lazily. He was not feeling great. Actually, he was pretty sure he was still drunk. Maybe that was the solution to the feeling that was creeping up on him. _More_ alcohol. 

“Doug Judy,” the man said. 

“Doug Judy,” Jake repeated. “Why am I under this table?” 

“Well, Fievel-”

“And why are you calling me Fievel?” Jake interrupted. 

“ _Well_ , I’m calling you Fievel because you’ve been here for three days and I still don’t know your real name. I’ve been calling you Fievel since you got here.”

“I told you my name was Fievel?” Jake was thinking back trying to remember meeting Doug Judy. He was so stuck on the name thing that he completely disregarded the rest of the sentence. 

“No. You told me your name was John McClane. I said you looked like Fievel. And a lifelong friendship was born.” 

“Wait. Did you say _three_ days ago?” 

“Yes ma’am. That’s when I found you, drunk, as, _hell_ ,” he made a face to accentuate exactly the extent of ‘as hell’ that Jake was drunk when he found him. 

“Where did you find me?” 

“Oh, in the alley outside. I don’t know what you were doing there, but you looked like you could use some help. So I took you in. My little mangy Carl.” 

Jake rolled out from under the table, immediately regretting his decision. He heaved slightly, but kept everything down. When he made it up to his knees, he was scrunching his whole face up, trying to let as little light into his eyes as possible. Doug Judy took a step back as Jake staggered to his feet, putting his weight partially on the table to keep himself up. 

Once he was steady and feeling slightly less like he was going to vomit, he spoke again. “What day is it?” 

“Uh, the fourteenth.”

Jake scoffed. “Tskufk- Doug Judy. Does it look like I know numbers?” 

“Okay well damn, Fievel! It’s Saturday.”

_Saturday?_ But Sophia’s funeral had been on Sunday… He had been gone for a week? 

“No, that’s not right. That can’t be right.”

“Look, Tom. Can I call you Tom?”

“What? No.”

“Well can you tell me your name so I can stop calling you Fievel? I feel like it’s losing its meaning.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Jake Peralta.” 

“Okay, Peralta. It’s Saturday the fourteenth. I don’t know what your deal is or what you were doing four days ago, but for the past three days, you’ve been here, partying uh, nonstop, with me and Rufus.” He had a sort of sing-song quality to his voice as he said it, pointing finger guns at Jake when he said ‘nonstop.’

“Where _are_ we?”

“Well, Jake Peralta, you are standing in the dining room at the Smush Bush.” Jake made a disgusted face at that name, to which Doug Judy continued, “Don’t hate. It's on Flatbush, and you know we be smushin'." Jake stared at him uncomfortably until he continued. "It’s my house. My roommates are out.” 

“I meant where _is_ the house?” 

“A couple minutes off campus.” 

_God_ , thank god. “Okay, thanks, Doug Judy. I gotta go.” 

After a minor struggle with Doug, relating directly to the fact that Jake hadn’t yet shared his phone number with him-- _Judy, I don’t have time for this. Ugh, fine_ \--he was on his way. He didn’t even know where he was going. His apartment? God, Gina would be pissed that he hadn’t been home in a week. Wonder how Amy’s been handling studying alone? 

_Shit_. 

Amy. He was staying with Amy. They had gotten into a- Well, was it a fight? He had been at her house, and then he got drunk and left. She was going to be pissed that he hadn’t been home in a week. And that was way worse than Gina, who had known him forever and knew not to be worried when he did dumb shit like this. 

Or worse. Teddy. He was supposed to be protecting her. What if he came back while Jake was off on some bender? He barely even remembered anything from the past few days. What if while Jake was out getting fucked up, Amy was-

Jake’s still-drunk stumbling in the early hours of the day was turning into more of a panicked, disoriented run as he tried to get himself to Amy’s apartment as quickly as possible. He was ignoring the pounding in his head, the feeling in his stomach that made him desperately want to stop running, to keel over and rid himself of the alcohol sloshing around in his stomach. He looked down as he ran, checking his phone. 

_118 new messages. 39 missed calls_. 

_Fuck_.

Messages from Amy, Charles, Gina, his mom, even one voicemail from his father. He scoffed at that, but continued running toward Amy. He was such a fucking dick. He was still looking down at his phone when he hit the telephone pole, knocking himself backward onto the ground. 

_God, this fucking day could not get worse. No, maybe it was this year. This entire year had been a blur of one bad thing after another. Fuck this year_. 

He was up again, running a little slower now than he had been before. He had never been good in those biology classes, but he pictured some sort of brain injury after all of the trauma his head had received that morning. Maybe like the concussion he got at laser tag that one time. 

Before too long, he was gasping for breath on her landing, bent over with his hands on his knees. It took him a moment to compose himself enough to even knock, and when she opened the door, he was still in the same stance, hands pressed to knees, chest heaving with the breath that he was struggling to catch. 

Even through his squinted eyes, even while bent down and trying to survive his somehow simultaneous hangover and drunkenness, paired with his inability to breathe and probable concussion, he could see the range of emotions that flashed across her face when she saw him. 

Anger, sadness, concern, anger, concern, finally settling decidedly on concerned-enough-to-talk-to-you, but angry-enough-to-do-it-sarcastically. She turned away from him, walking back into the house but leaving the door open for him to follow her. Once he was inside, she ran her fingers through her hair, gripping it in both hands once she reached the back of her head. From the angle she was turned toward, he could only see half of her face. She took a deep breath, eyes closed, before releasing her grip on her hair and throwing her hands up in the air. 

“What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?” 

“Uh-” Jake stammered, still gasping. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting her to say, but those words weren’t on the list. He stared at her, trying to keep his eyes open fully. Her hair was in natural curls, one of his favorite looks of hers, though she’d never believe it. He could see that those hands had been tangled throughout her hair a lot in the recent past. Something that was most definitely his fault. 

“And what the fuck happened to your face?” 

He blinked at her, unsure about what she was referring to. He turned to look in the mirror that was hanging in her living room, surprised at the bruise darkening his forehead. 

“Did you fight somebody? Oh my god, Jake, did you-” Her eyes were growing wide with panic, beginning to fill in the blanks with a story that was completely inaccurate. 

“Ames, no-”

“Don’t call me Ames. I’m fucking _mad_ at you. You can’t just come back here after a week calling me Ames, thinking everything is fine. Everything is _not_ fine.” 

He blinked at her more, trying his hardest to think of something to say back. She turned around, walking out of his sight temporarily, leaving him stunned and alone. A moment later, she reappeared with a first aid kit in her hands. He felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. He had put her through all of that worrying, all of that stress, and she was still about to take care of him, heated words or not. 

“Hold still,” she mumbled harshly, dabbing a cotton ball with peroxide on the scrape near his temple. A soft hiss escaped him at the sting, but he did as he was told. She was silent as she worked, inspecting his forehead and looking into his eyes with a flashlight, before covering his wound with a bandaid. She was putting all of the materials back into the first aid kit when she finally spoke again. Her voice was quieter, almost self-conscious. 

“You scared me, Jake. You were so- about-” She took a deep, shaky breath. “And then we got in that fight and you disappeared. And I called your mom, but you weren’t there.” 

Jake took a step back, stumbling. 

“Are you still drunk?”

“You called my _mom?_ ”

“I asked you a question.”

“I asked you a question back. Amy, you called my mom?” His voice was straining now as he tried to keep his emotions in tact. 

Amy’s eyes narrowed as she confirmed that yes, he _was_ still drunk, and the smell of alcohol all over him wasn’t from him being drunk the night before, but from him still being drunk. “Yes, I called your mom. What did you expect me to do, Jake? You disappeared for a fucking week and you wouldn’t answer anyone’s calls.” 

“I expected you to not call my fucking mom. I went away for a few days and you go and tell my mom on me? I’m an adult, Amy.”

“Well you aren’t acting like one! Adults don’t just disappear and worry their friends with no word for _days_.” He shook his head. She wasn’t exactly wrong, but he was still pissed. “I called everyone. Gina, Charles, our fucking professors, your mom, your dad, your-”

“Stop. Stop talking. _What did you just say?_ ”

She glared at him. “Don’t tell me to stop-”

“ _What_ did you say?”

“I called everyone-”

“You _spoke_ to my _dad?_ ” His words were slow and deliberate. That couldn't have been what she just said. 

“Yeah, I-”

Jake turned around, heading for the door. “I have to go.” 

“Jake-”

“I have to _go_.”

She laughed lightly, catching his attention enough to stop him. 

“Of course you do.” 

Thinking back on this moment, he would’ve done literally _anything_ else. Anything differently. 

But his eyebrows scrunched together, not out of confusion, but out of anger. Out of betrayal. He turned around to face her, bridging the gap between them quickly enough that it was startling to her, and he was in her personal space--too close. He was too close as he began speaking in a low, dark voice. 

“You had _no fucking right_ to call my father. 

And thinking back on this moment, he could see her eyes widen. She was clearly uncomfortable, maybe even afraid. Of _him_. And he wished that he would have done something differently. Anything differently. 

He could have stopped there. He could have turned around. He could have ignored the next thing she said. He could have taken it for what it was. 

Her voice vulnerable: “I was _worried_.” He could hear the tears rising in her voice, ready to break over the edge at any second. He couldn’t place the emotion, now. Not exactly. Was it fear? Was it concern? Sadness? 

“I’m not your fucking problem, Amy. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“I’m-”

“No. You’re not my girlfriend. You’re _barely_ even my friend. So you can stop fucking worrying about me and move on with your perfect fucking life.” 

The last thing he saw before he turned around was her lip quivering. He jerked the door shut, slamming it so hard that it even surprised him. He imagined Amy jumping at the sound inside and felt bad, but he shoved the thought away and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking off. Away from her. 

And if he could _just fucking take it back. If he could just stop himself from walking away from her. If he could just do **anything** differently_. 

He played the scene over in his head for the millionth time. 

_God, he fucking would_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Tskufk" was a very intentional onomatopoeia sound that I made up. I said it out loud a significant amount of times, and it is exactly how I picture Jake replying to Doug Judy. 
> 
>  
> 
> So I can't ever imagine Jake being this level of grumpy at really anybody, but specifically toward Amy. Super out of character, but I'm dedicating my reasoning to a combination of things: he's twenty-one. reacting to the very confusing loss of his long-time ex-girlfriend. is drunk. _may_ have a serious concussion, Ames isn't a doctor. and at twenty-one, he is harboring a lot of anger toward his father. so Amy struck a real serious chord with an already way too vulnerable Jake, and though she meant no harm in her actions, he could not see it that way in the moment, and his actions were purely a reaction. As I tried to foreshadow here, Jake will have a _ton_ of introspection on this particular interaction. 
> 
> Just wanted to be clear about all of that there. 
> 
> Hope you had a love/hate relationship with this chapter, as it seems most of you have with the rest of this angsty mess!! Can you believe this was intended to be a mainly fluffy story? 
> 
> How the turntables............


	16. Bring on the Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy goes out with Kylie to forget about Jake.

Jake fucking Peralta. Jake fucking Peralta did this. 

Amy was trying really hard, but she couldn’t think of the last time she had been this fucking _angry_. Maybe the time David took credit for the birthday binder she had made for her mom when she was like _eleven_. Who did he even think he was? She was just trying to help him. 

And _maybe_ she overstepped a boundary. 

But it was only because he fucking disappeared. 

_Maybe_ she shouldn’t have called his dad. She knew he had some issues surrounding his father. When his mom gave his number to Amy, _just in case you can’t get a hold of me and you find him, maybe_ she should’ve said that was okay and not taken the number. 

But he had disappeared! And she _was_ worried. 

And she wasn’t in the wrong. That’s the one thing she knew for sure. Whether Jake had reason to act the way he did or not, she wasn’t wrong. She had been trying to help a friend. 

Sorry- a _barely_ friend. 

What a fucking prick. 

“Amy?” Kylie asked cautiously. 

Amy looked up at her, torn abruptly from her thoughts. “What?”

“Uh… Are you okay?” 

Amy raised her eyebrows. Was it that obvious? “Yeah. Why?”

Kylie gestured to Amy’s hands. Between her small, dainty hands, was an apple. Or, what was left of the apple, rather. They were sitting at a table outside, having lunch. Amy hadn’t actually eaten anything, though. 

She stared blankly down at the apple, crushed between her hands. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Amy shook her head, brushing the apple off of her hand and onto the table. “Nothing to talk about.”   
Kylie frowned. “What happened with Jake?” 

Amy shook her head. “Fuck Jake.” 

Kylie waited a few minutes, staring at her friend who refused to meet her gaze. 

“Fine. Fuck Jake. But if you’re not gonna talk about it, you are gonna forget about it. We’re going out.” 

“Kyles,” Amy rolled her eyes. “I don’t really feel like going out.”

“Okay? And I don’t really feel like having lunch with the hulk, but here we are, apple crushing ass bitch. Do you want to talk or do you want to go get drunk?” 

Amy groaned. If it was one or the other, her choice was simple. 

\--

She was standing in front of her mirror, brushing mascara onto her lashes. She had changed into so many different outfits that she had ultimately lost track. Currently, she was wearing a black, fitted dress. She was so tired of changing, that she figured she would just stick with it. She twisted sideways, inspecting her profile in the mirror. She shrugged and reached for her red lipstick. If she was going out, she was going all out. 

She was ready way before Kylie got to her apartment. God, she loved Kylie, but she was never on time for anything. Here’s a great trivia question: what’s smart and blonde and never on time? Kylie! She would have to remember that for the next Trivia Newton-John competition, when Kyles was inevitably late again. 

While she waited, Amy walked throughout her house. She kept staring down the hallway, but pulling herself away before she got too committed to the idea. Finally, she gave in. Her footsteps were so light down the hall that it was almost as if she were tiptoeing, avoiding letting somebody know that she was approaching. But there was nobody there. Just an empty room, containing the things of a man that she wasn’t sure if she would ever mend her relationship with. Could she forgive him for being an asshole? Did she even want to be friends with someone who acted like that? 

She opened the door slowly and peered in before cautiously stepping through the threshold. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for, but she got a sort of eerie feeling from being in there. Maybe it was guilt? She shouldn’t be in his room. 

Well, it wasn’t _really_ his room. 

It's not like she was going to go through his things, or anything. 

But it just felt so weird, so _wrong_ to be in there without his permission. In her own apartment. She rolled her eyes and sat down on the edge of his mattress, staring at the wall. _God, what a fucking mess_. How did all of this happen? 

She thought back to the moment when she had agreed to tutor Jake. It turned out that he didn’t even really need much tutoring, he mostly just needed someone to help keep him on task. Sometimes she was really good at that, but other times he was really great at distracting her from the subject at hand. This meant that their study sessions were always interesting. You never knew what to expect. She missed spending that time with him. The time when they were friends, with no complications. 

Even when they were friends with minor complications. She missed that. She missed the weird tension between them the night that he pulled her into his closet, trying in any way that he could to calm her down while she was in the middle of an anxiety attack. He had worked so hard to help her, then. And the next day, when he left out the embarrassing details of the story, even though it would’ve been something great for him to tease her about. 

She felt a new bout of guilt. He had been there for her when she needed it. He was there when he found out about Teddy. Now Jake was going through something, and she wasn’t by his side like he had been for her. 

But that wasn’t her fault. He was pushing her away, not the other way around. 

But should she have tried just a little harder? 

She shivered a little as she thought about him the day before. He hadn’t yelled at her. He hadn’t really raised his voice at all. But the low, sinister voice he had taken on was almost worse. He didn’t look like himself, and he definitely didn’t sound like himself. She didn’t want to be around that version of Jake. Was that the Jake that came out when things got hard? 

Came Out When Things Got Hard, Title of Your Sex Tape. 

Fucking Jake Peralta. So stupid. She was telling his stupid jokes in her own head. He was so annoying.

She tried hard to push Teddy out of her head, but soon enough she was drawing comparisons between the two of them. So far, she had only found two. That had to be a good thing, right? They both started off kind. The other thing was that they both could be scary. But that wasn't necessarily a _bad_ thing, was it? Being scary could be good. It could be useful. Jake being scary the day before hadn't been useful, but... In and of itself, being scary doesn't mean anything. People get mad. He was upset. 

But Jake would never hurt her. Right? 

Well, not physically. 

Right? 

But was hurting her emotionally any better? She winced at the thought of Teddy, all she had been through with him. Maybe, but not by much. But Jake was _different_. She shouldn't even be comparing Jake and Teddy. They were nothing alike. 

This didn’t even matter. None of it mattered. He was gone. He didn’t want to be around her, and she didn’t want to be around him, either. Maybe they would cool off after a few days and they could talk things over, then. 

She had texted his mom when she had walked out of the room to get the first aid kit. By the time he had left, she should’ve been outside. She was sure he was safe, because his mom had texted to let her know that he was at home and doing well. 

Was it fair for her to be mad at him? She already knew it wasn’t fair for him to be mad at her, but was it fair for _her_ to be mad at _him?_ She wasn’t sure. She thought so. But was she the best judge of that? I mean… she had to be. Right? They were her feelings. She got to decide if they were reasonable. 

But he needed help. Maybe not help that she could give him, but help all the same. Shouldn’t she support him through that? He would support her, if he were feeling more like himself. 

As she was about to get up and leave the room, something caught her eye. She had moved one of her bedside tables into the room when Jake moved in. On top of the table was one of her little stationary pads. Scrawled in Jake’s messy handwriting were these words:

 _Don’t forget! Perogies, potato pancakes, and hot chocolate. Polish place with the K_.

Amy picked up the paper and smiled. That was her go-to order from her favorite Polish restaurant, Krolewskie Jadlo. She didn’t even remember telling him about this, but here it was, in his writing, in her notebook. She definitely hadn’t told him about it since he had moved in here, so that meant that he had just remembered this very specific fact, jotting it down who knows how long after she mentioned it to him. 

How was _this_ the same guy who had been in the room with her yesterday? 

A knock at the door broke her away from her thoughts, her smile fading. Kylie was there. She shut the door to the bedroom. She didn’t want Kylie to know that she was all dressed up for a night out, but shamefully sitting on the edge of Jake’s mattress and thinking about him. And she definitely didn’t want to talk about him still, even if she was feeling a little softer about him at the moment. 

She opened the door slowly, frowning when she saw what was on the other side. 

Kylie standing in front of her, holding out a sash that said “Birthday Bitch” across it. “Surprise, birthday bitch!”

Amy’s frown deepened. “It isn’t even my birthday.”

“Uh, yeah, you dummy. I know. Your birthday party was literally at my house. But the people at the bar don’t have to know that.” Kylie waggled her eyebrows and pulled Amy out of the apartment, shutting the door behind her. 

\--

“It isn’t even really my birthday!” She yelled over the music. 

He pulled her closer as they danced. “Be careful, Ames. You might owe me a few drinks if you keep talking.” He laughed against her neck. 

She flinched at the nickname, and she hoped he didn’t see. “I prefer Amy, actually.”

He smiled genuinely. “Sorry, Amy.” He had a nice smile. She liked it. He had straight teeth. He always smiled with his teeth, every time he had smiled at her all night. His name was Nick. He was cute. She couldn’t see them as well now that the lights were so dim, but his eyes were so blue. The kind of blue that was piercing, pulling you deeper into the ocean waves and somehow showing you an even more crystal clear blue each time you got swept in.

She could tell he was interested in her. It’s not like it was exactly hard to tell. Between the way he had been dancing on her the entire night, now by the presence of his erection pressing against her when she danced too close. And normally she wouldn’t be into all of that, but for some reason she was kind of interested in Nick. Maybe it was the smile. Or maybe it was the fact that she was four drinks in, feeling kind of tipsy, and was just ready to relax a little bit. It was about time she had a little fun like a normal college student. 

So there she was, making out with Nick on the side of the building. She had him pressed against the wall, taking full control of the situation. Just how she liked it. They had been out there for a while and it was just getting heated enough that she needed to step back and take a real breather. 

“Hey, do you wanna get out of here?” Nick asked. He smiled again as he said it. And to be honest… she kind of _did_ want to get out of there. 

Then Kylie appeared again. She was already pulling Amy by her arm, away from Nick. “C’mon birthday girl! Gotta get you home before your- da da DA da.” 

“What the fuck was that supposed to be?” Amy asked between laughs when they got far enough away from Nick. 

Kylie laughed, too. “I couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t related to Cinderella, and I thought that was weird, but I already committed, so…” She laughed again. 

When Kylie parked in front of her house, she asked Amy to hold on for a minute. 

“I’m proud of you for going out and getting out there, Amy. But I wanted to make sure you had a clear head before you did anything you might regret tomorrow. I don’t know what happened with him, but… I’m here for you. Always. You know that, right?”

Amy smiled. “Yeah, I do. You proved it tonight by being the best designated driver and collecting me before I went home with a stranger.” Amy leaned across the car and hugged her. “I’ll talk about it sometime. I just don’t really know what to say about all of it, right now. I don’t really know what _it_ even is.” She shrugged and bit her lip, abruptly feeling a little sad. “But thank you for tonight, Kyles. I needed this.” 

“Alright, go to bed, Amy. Your circadian rhythm is going to be all over the place.”

As Amy got out of the car, Kylie called out, “Love you, bitch!”

Amy was smiling to herself as she walked up her steps. Things weren’t terrible. Even when it felt stressful and difficult, things weren’t terrible. There was more to life than just Jake. She knew that. He had quickly become a big part of her life, his friendship taking up more and more room in her heart, but if things didn’t work out between them, it would all be fine. 

She stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out the napkin with Nick’s number on it. There were paths all over the place, all leading to different destinations. She would find the right one, even if it took her a while. She had time. She was still standing on her landing, looking out at the sky. It was a little humid. She wondered if it was going to rain. 

As she placed her hand on her doorknob, fishing through her bag for her keys, she found that the knob did not resist when she turned it. Huh. She must have forgotten to lock the door when Kylie pulled her out of the house, earlier. She was still smiling to herself when she turned the lights on. 

“Hey, Amy,” a familiar voice called out. 

She couldn’t see him, but she knew the voice anywhere. She was facing the door, a hand still on the doorknob. She was shaking. Her hands were trembling. Her eyes frantically traced over the back of the door as she scanned over every possible option in her head. _Open the door, run? He could outrun her. Jump off the landing? That might give her a few seconds headstart. She could make it to her car, get inside and call the police. Unless she gets hurt during the fall, then she wouldn't be able to do anything. Dial 9-1-1 now? Keep the line running?_ She was frozen. _What should she do?_

The voice was now soft, right behind her. Goosebumps pricked on the back of her neck as she felt his breath violate her. “You miss me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


	17. It's Been a Long Hard Road Without You By My Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake's mother takes him home. He learns some interesting information regarding his father, and has a conversation with him. 
> 
> TW: of the violent, somewhat graphic nature. 
> 
> Title from Good Charlotte's Emotionless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so busy guys!! 
> 
> I'm hoping to have the next few chapters up later this week, as well.

Amy fucking Santiago. Amy fucking Santiago did this. 

He was sitting in the back of his mom’s car, arms crossed, mumbling under his breath. She wouldn’t even let him sit in the front seat. _hE sMeLlEd LiKe AlCoHoL_. 

And _yeah_ , maybe he was still drunk from the day before. And _yeah_ , maybe he did disappear for almost a week. And _yeah_ , _maybe_ he should chill the fuck out because _maybe_ he was in the wrong, not everybody else. 

But you know what else? 

Amy shouldn’t have called his mom. And Amy _definitely_ shouldn’t have called his dad. He shuddered at the thought of her even speaking to that man. God, Amy had officially spoken to his father more that year than even he had. 

And another thing--his mom didn’t really need to grab him by the ear and drag him into the car, did she? And she had been going on and on about all the things he had done wrong in this past week. He had mostly been ignoring her, but every now and then he caught a few words through his fuming. 

“Do you know what you put us all through? I thought I had raised you better. You would think after everything-” She paused, sighing dramatically. “You would think after everything that you have been through with your father, that you wouldn’t be following in his footsteps, doing the same stupid shit. Disappearing for a week. God, Jacob. And don’t even get me started on that Amy--you should have heard her frantically worrying about you.”

Jake huffed loudly in the back seat. God, he was tired. Tired of thinking about Amy. Tired of talking about her. 

“And why haven’t you told me about her?”

Jake didn’t say anything, silently staring out the window. His head was pounding and he could feel the tension slipping out of his eyebrows as his expression softened. He just wanted to go to sleep. He assumed he had been sleeping that morning, but it didn’t feel like it. Whether that was the alcohol or the concussion was debatable. 

“Hey, don’t close your eyes. Jake. _Jake_.” 

He blinked, but he could feel his eyes glazing over. He leaned his head against the cool glass of the window, exhaling softly as he finally felt a little bit of relief. Relief. He wanted relief. From everything, at the moment. From Amy, from his mother. From Sophia. From this headache. From the light outside the window. From being awake. 

The car lurching to a stop brought him back to his previous state of mostly-consciousness. His mom was out of the car again, opening the door that he was leaning on and catching him when he fell partially out of the car at the loss of support. His mother supported his weight, though she had a small frame and struggled as they hobbled into the doors of the emergency room. Jake was lucid, but still very tired and definitely wasn’t on par with even his usual very short attention span. 

“Hi,” Karen began speaking to the receptionist. “We need to see a doctor, I think my son has a concussion.” Jake flashed a goofy smile to the receptionist. 

She glanced at the bandage on his forehead, placed carefully there by Amy. He was bruised up pretty bad from colliding with a variety of objects throughout his morning. 

“Okay, great. We’ll need you to fill out some paperwork.”

“Great?” Karen mumbled. “A concussion is great?” She had an eyebrow raised. The receptionist stammered and looked between the two of them uncomfortably until Karen laughed. “I’m just kidding. He deserves it.” 

Jake was rolling his eyes and grumbling again while they waited for the doctor. It turned out that he _didn’t_ have a concussion, just some mild bruising and a pretty solid headache. His mom was a little more forgiving on the way back to her house, allowing him to sit in the front seat. 

“So, you didn’t answer my question. Why didn’t you tell me about Amy?”

He sighed and shrugged hurriedly. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“It didn’t sound like there was nothing to tell, Jake.”

“Yeah. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like there’s nothing to tell. But that’s what it is. It’s nothing. She doesn’t want to be with me.” He shrugged again. 

“But you like her?”

He shrugged again, silent. He thought back to earlier that day, to the way he spoke to her when he had found out she called his dad. He had a little more clarity now, as he was distanced from both Amy and the situation. The guilt rising in his chest was almost unbearable and he tried unsuccessfully to take a deep breath and rid himself of the feeling. 

“I don’t know, Mom. No. I mean- I don’t know. Yeah. But it doesn’t matter.”

So Jake detailed the entire story to his mother, leaving out only the parts where they did more than kiss. He talked about their study dates, her panic attack, about Sophia and Teddy. About the kisses. _God, the kisses_. The kisses that he would probably never feel again, if how he acted earlier in the day had any impact on her, which he suspected was the case. 

His mother listened intently. They had gotten to the house about twenty minutes before this moment, but she simply stopped the car and turned to face him, listening as her son poured his heart out to her, like he had done so many times. 

“So. Yeah, it’s nothing. And even if it was something, I fucked all that up. It’s nothing, now. She isn’t going to-” He shook his head, avoiding his mother’s gaze and looking at the neighbor’s house. 

“I think it sounds complicated.” 

Jake laughed. “Yeah, I guess that’s one way to say it.” He shook his head. “I just don’t know how I got here. Sophia- I don’t know. That’s what started all of this. That’s how Amy and I met. You know, Sophia… she _hurt_ me. Bad. And now she’s just gone. And even though she hurt me and even though I didn’t want her anymore. You know, I wanted Amy. I still-” He paused, struggling to get the words out. “And now Sophia is gone and it hurts and it’s confusing? And I know that has nothing to do with Amy, exactly, but… It’s like that’s how we met. And now Amy is this _reminder_. But she’s so much more than that.” 

“It sounds like-”

“Like I love her?” He laughed a little. “That’s so stupid, isn’t it? I feel so stupid. I don’t love her, you know. Obviously. We aren’t even together.” At this point, Jake wasn’t even directing the discussion toward his mother, just thinking out loud, to himself. “But she makes me so happy, you know? When we’re together. And when I’m away from her, I just can’t wait until the next time I see her. And she makes me _feel_ so many things. Like, strong things? Does that make sense?” He waited briefly for his mother to speak, but then continued before she really could. “Like she makes me so mad? It’s like everything I feel with her is the _most_ of whatever that is. And she just wants to be friends or she just wants to study or she just wants to keep our distance. But I just want _her_. And god, it's fucking confusing. She's so confusing.” 

“Jake,” she said softly. He looked toward her and forced a tight-lipped smile. She placed her hand on his cheek, looking at him with admiration. “My little guy. I can’t believe you’re so grown. It’s funny. You’ve always been so mature-” she laughed loudly at the expression Jake flashed at her. Jake? Mature? “Not emotionally. Or mentally. Or-”

“Okay, Mom, we get it.” 

“But you’ve just always been so good about taking care of yourself.” She shrugged. “I guess because you had to be.” 

“I wouldn’t say that, exactly. I haven’t been to the doctor since I turned eighteen. I don’t know the last time I even thought about eating a vegetable.” 

She shook her head again, gasping softly at the ridiculousness of her child. “What do you feel in your heart, Jake?” 

He thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know. It’s so _different_ from being with Sophia.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“Nothing about her is a bad thing, Mom. Or about being with her. Nothing that I’ve found, yet.” 

She laughed. “Sounds like that ex of hers is a bad thing.” 

Jake raised his eyebrows at that, nodding in agreement. And with that, they were on their way into the house. Jake could feel that his mother wanted to say more, but she didn’t offer it and he definitely wasn’t in the mood to ask. He was so exhausted and baring his soul hadn’t helped at all. So he punched in the code on the door and pushed inside, forging forward when he heard his mother calling his name. He figured she would just say whatever it is she wanted to say when they got in there. 

“Jake, oh my god. Are you okay?” 

He wouldn’t exactly say the voice was _familiar_. But he knew who it was. 

“What the fuck is he doing here?” He turned on his heel, blocking his mother before she could make it through the door and then trying his hardest to get past her and back outside. 

“Nope, you have to stay here, almost-concussed child.” 

“Why is he here, mom?” He still hadn’t seen him, but he was becoming frantic with his questions. What was his father doing in his mother’s living room? Had someone died?

“I was worried about you,” the voice called from behind Jake’s shoulder. He gritted his teeth together at the sound of him getting closer, goosebumps prickling against the back of his neck as his father violated his personal space, uninvited. 

“I’m leaving,” he said sternly, trying once again to get past his mother. She stood her ground, broadening her shoulders and stretching onto her toes to show her dedication to not allowing him to pass. 

“No, Jake. You’re not. You need to rest and you’re staying here.” 

“So let me get this straight,” Jake hissed. “You left him here in your house. _Alone?_ And he’s still here? Why?”

“Honey, I don’t know if now is the best time to talk about all of this.” 

“ _Why?_ ”

She pressed her hand lightly against his chest and guided him backward, shutting the door as she stepped through it. “Jake, come sit down. I’d like to talk to you.” 

“I’m not talking to _him,_ ” he grumbled, gesturing toward the man that was still standing behind him, but still refusing to look at or interact directly with him. 

Karen looked past her son. “Roger, will you please give Jake and I some time?” Jake heard footsteps falling away from them and the closing of a bedroom. His mother’s bedroom door, he deduced from the direction of the sound. He could tell, now, that this conversation was much worse than he had previously anticipated it being. 

Karen walked over to the couch, sitting down and patting the space next to her. “Come on over here and sit down, honey.” 

Jake turned to look at his mother, but shook his head. “I don’t think I want to.” 

She laughed. “Always so stubborn, you know. Ever since you were a little boy.” 

Jake scoffed. A little boy. What an interesting change of conversation, considering one-third of the people in the house had no idea what Jake was like as a little boy. Not _really,_ at least. 

“Mom.” His voice was soft, almost pleading. “Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” 

She smiled sadly, patting the seat next to her again. He sighed and reluctantly made his way over to her. She rubbed her hand on his back as she spoke. 

“Honey, I know your relationship with your father is strained.” 

“ _Strained_.” Jake chuckled at that. More like they didn’t even have a relationship. Every time he had gotten his hopes up that his father had changed, he had been wrong. He had been disappointed by that man approximately 427 times. Not that he was keeping count. He wasn’t. He didn’t even care. It wasn’t that important. 

His mother laughed softly with him before continuing. “I know. But he’s doing better now. And he’s sorry. He and I have been-”

“No. No no no no no.” 

“Yes.” 

Jake shook his head. “No. No way.”

“For about three months.”

“Three _months?_ And you haven’t told me?”

“Well, it was new. I didn’t want to tell you and get you all wrapped up in it, excited, or disappointed, you know. I didn’t want it to affect you until I was sure that he was different.”

“Yeah? How different could he be? He’s been here for three months and I haven’t heard from him once.” 

Karen shook her head, pulling her hand off of his back and resting it in her lap. “That’s my fault. I told him to give you your space, for now. Again, I just wanted to be sure… I know he hasn’t been the best father to you, and I didn’t want him getting your hopes back up, again. You know, if…” 

“If he’s still a piece of shit? If he’s still an absentee father and husband? If he’s still an alcoholic? If he’s still-”

Karen sighed, giving Jake a look that made him snap his mouth shut. “He’s trying really hard, now. And I think if you give him a chance-”

“That’s nice, Mom. And I really hope you’re happy. But I’m not giving him a chance.” 

Karen sighed once again, nodding. “I understand. But he is staying here. And for the time being, so are you.” 

Jake groaned, throwing his head back dramatically. 

“Fine. But I’m not going to talk to him.” 

She nodded, holding up her hands innocently. “I wouldn’t try to make you.”

She pulled Jake in for a hug, rubbing his back again. 

“You know I love you, right?” He nodded against her shoulder. And as mad as he had been when Amy called her, as mad as he had been when she forced him into the back of her car, he was so happy to be talking to his mom, now. He needed this. 

They spent a few hours talking together, sharing some of their favorite foods on the comfort of the couch. There were lighthearted moments, Karen sharing Jake’s same sense of humor. There were also deeper, more difficult moments. She talked to him about Sophia, pushing him to say things he hadn’t said out loud since long before she had passed away. Things that he would have never said if he hadn’t been with his mother. Never to another person, never even in a room by himself. But he had a soft spot for his mother, the woman who had raised him on her own. The strongest woman he could ever imagine. Every good quality he possessed came straight from her. Yet another thing that they talked about. 

“And you’re always wearing your heart on your sleeve, even when you don’t want to. Even when you don’t really know how to actually express what you’re feeling. Just like me. And we both know you love red wine, too.”

He laughed. “Yeah, but you’re way more gullible than me. How many nigerian scams have you fallen for, now? Three?”

“Hey, give me credit. It was only two. I caught on before the third one.” 

By the time Jake noticed how late it was, he was beyond exhausted. He could barely keep his eyes open, but he was glad he’d stayed out and spent time with his mom. It had been too long. He was also feeling much better about everything after hearing her input. _Follow your heart. But respect her. And work on communication_. 

When he headed off to bed, his mind was feeling clearer than it had been in what felt like weeks. He pulled out his phone, hoping to start that communication with the only person on his mind. 

**Jake:** Hey, Ames. Was hoping we could talk? 

He waited a few minutes, no response. 

**Jake:** I’m staying at my mom’s tonight, but I’ll be by tomorrow. Let me know if you don’t want to see me. 

He waited a few more minutes with no response, then smiled to himself. 

**Jake:** Perfect. It’s a date. 

\--

He woke up the next morning, his searing headache from the day before gone. When he opened his eyes and saw the light, he actually smiled. He was feeling positive, just a few short hours away from seeing Amy. Hopefully just a few short hours from clearing all of this up. Maybe a few short hours from repairing things between them. From apologizing. He couldn’t wait to apologize. 

He took his time showering, letting the water roll over his skin. He took extra care to wash the wound on his forehead. Amy would be proud. 

And for the first day in a long time, he didn’t think of Sophia. 

But when he walked out of his old bedroom and into the living room, his positive outlook was gone. 

“Jake!” Roger says excitedly. 

Jake narrows his eyes. “ _Roger_.” 

“Come here, buddy. Let’s talk.” 

Jake completely ignores this request, turning and putting on his shoes before stepping out of the door. It is less than a few seconds when he hears the door open behind him. 

“Jake. Jacob! God damn it, _Jake_.” 

This is what sets him off. Jake spins on his heel, facing the man who hurled these words at him. “God damn it? _You-_ ” Jake took a deep breath, seething. “What the fuck do you have to say?”

Roger stopped a few feet away from him, eyebrows knit together in frustration. “You’re my son. And I’m trying to-”

Jake was laughing wildly. It started calmly enough, but worked further and further up until he was practically howling, doubled over and supporting himself with his hands on his knees. He had mostly composed himself, standing back up and extending a hand apologetically. 

“I’m sorry, _Dad_. Let me act more like a son.” 

He turned back around toward his car. They had called the previous day to have his car towed to the house so that he could make it back to school before class on Monday. In case he hadn't caught on, he was 'acting like a son,' the same way Roger had 'acted like a dad.' By leaving. 

“Just fucking stop, Jake! How am I supposed to fix this if you won’t stick around long enough for me to-”

“ _Stick around?!_ God, that’s hilarious coming from you. Welcome to my fucking life, Roger.” He pressed his palm against his face, shaking his head slowly. “Do you want to know what the worst part about all of this is? I don’t even hate you. Not anymore. But this all fell apart because of _you_. And I was so full of hate for years. And I’m still angry. I might always be angry.” He threw his hands up in the air. 

“Jake, I’m-”

“ _No, stop-_ You _broke_ Mom’s heart. You broke _me_. For life. I _still_ struggle. All the time. But I’m alright. You know? I’ll be fine. But I can’t keep going through this again and again. Every time I finally get to a place where I feel okay, you come back and fuck it all up again. And god, Dad. I fucking _miss_ you. I have to protect myself. And I have to stay distanced so that when you mess this all up again, I can protect Mom, too. Because that’s what I’m going to have to do. Again. Just like when I was a little kid.”

Roger shook his head sadly. Finally, Jake was silent, waiting for his father to respond. 

His voice broke a little as he spoke. “Jake, I’m so sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. And I’m trying to make up for all of my mistakes now.”

Jake smiled, small, but genuinely. “I forgive you. But I’m not ready-” Jake felt a familiar break in his own voice. “I’m not ready.” 

Roger nodded his head slowly, rubbing his jaw like he had been punched. “Can I just say something?” Jake jutted his chin forward, suggesting to his father that he should continue. “Don’t turn out like me. I have so many regrets from throughout my life. I want more than that for you. And from what your mom’s told me--from what Amy has-”

“Don’t.” Jake flinched a little as he heard her name. “Don’t talk about her. Please.”

Roger smiled tightly. “I’m just saying that she sounds like a good one. And if you act like me… You know, you’ll fuck it up. Just like I did with your mother.”

Jake shook his head. “I’ll never be like you.” 

Roger looked hurt by this statement, but he just shrugged his shoulders. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.” 

Jake could feel tears stinging in his eyes, but he was not going to cry in front of him. He shook his head one last time. 

“Don’t hurt her again.” 

He turned around, not sending another glance his father’s way as he drove off. 

He thought a lot on his drive to Amy’s. Mostly about her, about what he would say, but also about his father. About his mother. About the future and the past. How things used to be and how they were constantly changing, now. About the weight of his father’s words. _Don’t turn out like me. Was he_ like him? Then about his mother’s words the night before. _Work on communication_.

Well, he could check that one off, right? That was more communication than he’d had with his father since he was probably eleven. 

Before he knew it, he was there. He parked in the familiar parking lot, glancing up at her door. Everything looked normal. He hoped she was home. 

As he got out of his car, he sucked in a deep, uncomfortable breath. He wiped his hands on his pants, feeling nervous. He hoped he didn’t look as anxious as he was feeling. 

He started the ascent up her staircase slowly, dragging it out so that he had a few more minutes before he had to face her. He wanted so badly to apologize to her, but he was also filled with anxiety at the thought of looking in her eyes after the past few experiences she’d had with him. 

It was when he reached the top of the stairs that he stopped dead in his tracks. The door was cracked open. Amy would never leave her door open. He couldn’t think of a time when she had even kept the door unlocked. Much less cracked open, a draft blowing through her house. She was already always cold. Plus, the bugs. There had to have been bugs flying freely through the house. _Amy_ in a cold house full of bugs? 

He stood there for a moment, thinking about what this could possibly mean. She wasn’t home. Option number one. Somebody broke in while she wasn’t home? Possible. The door just didn’t latch all the way when she left? Preferable. 

Then there was the final option, which made his stomach turn the second it popped into his head. He was immediately sick, heart beating out of his chest. He entered the house cautiously, pushing the door open and assessing the scene that he found inside. There were signs of a struggle. The contents of her coffee table knocked over, a vase broken on the floor. It could still be a robber. But he glanced now at the tv, still placed on the wall. Not a robber. Or at least a very bad robber. 

He stepped further in, turning to take in a sight that made his blood run cold. Blood smeared against the wall. A large streak. Jake was frantic, now. 

“Ames? Amy?” It only took him a few seconds to find her, laid out on the kitchen floor. More blood on the counter, a little bit of blood surrounding her on the floor. He dropped down, cradling her face between his hands, moving to feel for a pulse. She had one, but it was weak. 

“Ames? Hey, Amy.” His voice was soft, but urgent as he spoke to her. She blinked her eyes open at him, but they were glazed over and bloodshot. A soft whine escaped her lips and the only emotion he could see in her eyes was fear. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay. Hold on.” He had already dialed 9-1-1, was waiting on the phone for the operator. 

His voice was frantic when they answered, stringing out the address before he could even register the words they were saying to him. 

“My friend, Amy, she’s- someone- we need an ambulance. I don’t know how long it’s been, I just found her. She’s alive- she’s- but she’s not- I-” 

He could feel the tears running down his cheeks, but he couldn’t control them. He couldn’t even think.

Amy was on the kitchen floor. Her blood was staining so many surfaces that he could see. Her blood was everywhere. She was cold when he touched her, but she was alive. 

And _Teddy_ did this. 

And he wasn’t there to stop it. 

He wasn't there to stop it. 

_He wasn't there to stop this_. 

And he... 

_promised_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop. 
> 
> We-
> 
> Sorry guys.


	18. I'm Walking on a Tightrope // I'm Wrapped Up in Vines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I think I'll make it out, but you've just gotta give me time._
> 
> As has been the case for a few chapters now: TW: some depictions of domestic violence. A little more so in this chapter than in the few previous ones, but again, not too graphic. 
> 
> Title from Thunder by Boys Like Girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Italics in this chapter are flashbacks, in case that isn't super clear!!_
> 
> Also thank you guys for sticking around and reading and being excited about the chapters!! I appreciate you all soooo much and you make me so happy. You da best.

_-135_   
_-136_   
_-137_   
_-138_   
_-139_   
_-Fuck_

Jake sighed, leaning back into the chair and rubbing his eyes vigorously. It was fucking useless. He had made it up to 167 once, but he’d lost his place every other time he’d tried. He had probably tried more than 167 times at this point. 

_48\. 48 ceiling tiles._

But when he got tired of counting the ceiling tiles, he moved to counting the tubes. 

_7\. 7 tubes sticking out of Amy_. He didn’t even know that many tubes could go into a person. 

That was way too easy, and he could only repeatedly count the tubes a few handfuls of times before it was even more depressing than it was boring. 

That was when he moved to the little speckles on the ceiling. He had only made it to 167, which included speckles from two different tiles. After he lost count a few times, he thought maybe he could try to remember the amount on the first tile and just add them all up, but every time he started counting again, he forgot the amount on the first tile. 

Jake sighed roughly, rolling his eyes and staring back at the ceiling. 

_-1_   
_-2_   
_-3_   
_-4_   
_-5_

Because hopelessly counting the speckles on the ceiling was much better than counting the passing time. 

But if he was being honest, he had never really stopped doing that, either. 

_Two weeks._

It had been two weeks since he had heard Amy Santiago’s voice. Two weeks since he had seen her smile. Two weeks since he had even seen her open her eyes. 

_That’s 14 days._   
_That’s 336 hours._  
 _That’s 20,160 minutes._  
 _Approximately 1,209,600 seconds._ He thinks. Not 100% sure about that one, but he’s had a lot of time to do the math over and over again, and he used his calculator, so he thinks he has that right. 

And every time he closed his eyes, he saw the first day. Over and over again. 

_Amy, covered in blood. It seemed like every time he remembered it, there was more blood on her than there was the last time the image popped into his head. He just wanted to hold her. He wanted to let her know that he was there. She opened her eyes to look at him, but he could tell she wasn’t really there._

_And he was so glad he fought himself and waited for the paramedics. He didn’t want to hurt her more. God, she was already so hurt. He just kept touching her face, touching her hands, squeezing them softly. He could hear his tear-strangled voice repeating the same words_. 

_“It’s okay, Ames. Everything’s okay, okay? Don’t worry, the doctors are on the way. You’re gonna be fine. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”_

_But he didn’t even know if she could hear him. Was he even saying it for her? Or was he saying it for himself?_

_He wished he would have counted the minutes then. Because it felt like hours between finding her there and when the paramedics showed up. They praised him for not moving her. Her neck could be broken._

_Turned out it was. Well- fractured. And if he had moved her, she could’ve been paralyzed._ But he didn’t, and she’s not. She’s also not awake. Still. Two weeks later. 

_He had to talk to the police, to give a statement, a description of Teddy. An alibi, to make sure he wasn’t the primary suspect, with him being the one who found her and all. And they cleared him quickly, calling his mother and the hospital that he had visited and confirming that he was there._

_He watched frantically as they carried Amy out of the apartment on a stretcher._

_“Where is she going? What are they doing? What hospital? Can I go? Can I-”_

_“Woah, woah. Calm down. Go ahead. Call her parents, too, please. We’ll meet them at the hospital for questioning.”_

_And that was it, Jake was running down the stairs, watching solemnly as they slid her into the back of the ambulance, and taking off after them. And he couldn’t breathe. Had he been breathing?_

_This was his fault. He should’ve been there. He shouldn’t have treated Amy like that the day before. He could have stopped Teddy, but he was a prick, just like him. He hurt Amy, too._

_But not like this._

_And he was going to kill Teddy_. 

_-57_   
_-58_   
_-59_   
_-60_

The machines connected to Amy beeped, tearing him away from his counting. He glanced at the machines, reaching over and adjusting the cord on her chest. The sticker had come detached. For the eighth time in two weeks. He was used to it, now. The first time, it had been scary. Amy’s parents were there, then. 

_**Beep, beep, beep, beep.**_

_“What is that? What does that mean? Nurse?!”_

_“Camila, Camila calm down,” Amy’s father soothed, a hand on her back. The nurse is right there. She’s working on it, mi amor. Our girl will be okay.”_

_The nurse quickly pushed on the wires, sticking them back against Amy’s skin. The beeping stopped, and the nurse turned to address the three of them. “Just the heart monitor. It’s just a little sticky pad. If it detaches, it will beep like that. Just needs to be stuck back on.” She smiled warmly before continuing about changing the dressing on Amy’s head wound._

‘Lac,’ they call it. Short for laceration. Jake was getting pretty good at the hospital lingo, you know. Since he had been there. For two weeks. 

He wasn’t necessarily planning to stay at the hospital with Amy for two weeks. He wanted to, but he didn’t think the Santiagos would be down for that. One of them absolutely wasn’t. Any guesses on which Santiago disapproved of Jake staying?

 _End of day one. Jake was still seated quietly in the corner of the hospital room, eyes glued on Amy. Her parents were sitting next to her bed, speaking quietly in Spanish every now and then. Jake didn’t understand what they were saying, but he wasn’t really trying to listen, either. He just stared at Amy, eyes wide, eyebrows knit together, silent._

_“You don’t have to stay here, you know, uh…” Victor said quietly, clearly forgetting Jake’s name. “We’ve got it all from here.”_

_Jake looked toward her parents, confusion clear in his features. “Wait, what?”_

_“You can leave-”_

_“Jake,” Camila added. “This is Jake, Victor. You know?”_

_Victor looked at her, as they exchanged knowing glances. They had heard of him before. Good things? He couldn’t be sure_. 

_“Are you our daughter’s boyfriend?” Victor suddenly asked._

_Jake stammered. “Uh- I- Uhm…”_

_“Victor!” Camila scolded. She began speaking to him in Spanish again. His response sounded much more aggressive than she had sounded._

_“I’m just asking,” he continued in English, “if he is Amy’s boyfriend.”_

_“Uhm, no, sir…” Jake said quietly, averting his eyes from Mr. Santiago’s gaze._

_“Then I suppose I don’t see why you should stay here.”_

_Camila tapped his shoulder and mumbled something to him._

_And normally Jake would keep his mouth shut, but he was looking at Amy, lying in the hospital bed, her skin looking pale, save for the purple bruises visible in a pattern across her. He couldn’t imagine leaving her there. Couldn’t imagine not knowing how she was doing_. 

_Victor and Camila were exchanging words again, but Jake didn’t want to wait for a break in the conversation_. 

_His voice was weak as he spoke. “Can I please stay?”_

_They both turned to look at him, silent. Shit. He was gonna have to monologue._

_“It’s just… I found her.” His voice broke and he stopped talking to compose himself. He didn’t think it would be this difficult to get through. It was taking him even longer to get himself together, still choking up at the images threatening him beneath his eyelids. “I found her like this. And it’s all I see when I close my eyes. And she’s my friend. I’ve been-” He stopped to take a deep breath. “I’ve been going through a lot and she’s been here for me even when I’m not easy to be around. I want to be here for her, too. Please.”_

_Victor’s eyes narrowed, but Camila smiled at him._

_“Oh, Jake.”_

_“Camila, I don’t think this is a good idea.”_

_“Why? What harm can he do by sitting in the room with her? And besides, you know we’re going to have to get back to work in a few days. We don’t know how long she’ll be here, and we already spent so much time out of work helping David with the baby. Someone should be here with her all the time. If we can’t be- why not him?”_

_Victor grumbled, but he didn’t say anything, instead turning his head back to his daughter and pulling her hand up to his forehead, closing his eyes and silently mouthing a prayer. Once he was finished, he kissed the back of her hand and stood up. His voice was gruff, different than the moment before. “I need some air.”_

_He walked out of the room, leaving Jake and Camila alone with Amy._

_“She talks about you, you know.” Camila offered._

_“About me?”_

_She nodded. “All the time.” She smiled at him, then looked sadly at her daughter. “She’s strong. She will get through this. I know it.” She nodded again, wiping a tear away from her eye. “And I think it will help her to have you here.” She smiled back at Jake again, still sadly. "And don't worry about Victor. He's just protective. Our only daughter, you know."_

_Jake wondered what Amy said about him to her mother, but he wouldn’t have dared to ask. He just smiled back at Camila, then turned to rest his gaze back on Amy._

_He was going to kill Teddy._

_-45_   
_-46_   
_-47_   
_-48_

He’d had to start over with his counting after adjusting her wires. This time, the interruption was Amy’s nurse, Nora. 

“Jake, hi!” Nora came in to check on Amy, squeezing the bag of fluid connecting into her arm. She checked the wound on her forehead, now. “Looks like this is just about ready to no longer be bandaged.” 

Jake raised his eyebrows as he watched. That had to be a good thing, right? 

“So, do you guys know if she’s going to wake up sometime soon?”

Nora turned and smiled sadly at Jake. 

“Unfortunately, I can’t say. She’s doing much better, physically. Her x-rays from this morning showed that the fluid in her lungs has greatly reduced. I’m thinking that tomorrow we’ll be able to remove the first drainage tube.” She turned to look back at Amy. “But sometimes after traumatic situations, this sort of thing can happen. We still have her on the ventilator, but more for fear of a breathing complication without it than due to her being completely unable to breathe on her own. But when she wakes up, we’ll be able to address that.”

“But she’s going to wake up?” Jake was hopeful in his question. He had nothing but hope. There was no way that she wouldn’t wake up. 

Nora smiled at him again. “I really hope so. Things are looking good. Hopefully within the next few days.” 

Jake nodded. “Thanks, Nora.” 

She nodded, then reached into a bag that she had brought in with her. “Got you an orange jello,” she said as she presented it to him. Jake smiled as he accepted it. Every time they asked if he wanted anything, he always requested an orange jello. “I like you guys,” she added. “You’re a cute couple.” 

Jake smiled sadly, but didn’t say anything in response. 

“Anyway, call me in if you need anything. Otherwise I’ll be back in an hour.” 

Nora left the room. He placed his fingers around Amy’s, squeezing her hand softly. “Hear that, Ames? We’re a cute couple. Bet you’d love to hear that.” After a moment with no response, he peeled open the foil lid on his jello and began counting the number of bites that he ate. 

_-1_   
_-2_   
_-3_

_Day two._

_“Jake, give me a call back. I got a call from the police, confirming that you were at my house yesterday. What did you do? Also, I spoke to your fa- to Roger. He said you forgave him? Call me, please. Love you, kiddo.”_

_Jake sighed as he listened to the voicemail for the third time. He was going to have to explain all of this to his mother. He was in the hallway, giving Victor and Camila some time alone with Amy._

_He dialed her number and waited. Secretly, he hoped she wouldn’t pick up, but she did._

_“Jake? Where have you been? What’s going on?”_

_“Mom, I-”_

_“You forgave your father?”_

_Jake sighed again. “I mean, those are the words I said, I guess. I don’t know.”_

_“So… You don’t actually forgive your father?”_

_This time, Jake’s sigh was a little more irritated. There were more important things happening right now. He didn’t want to talk about his stupid dad. “Mom. He- I- Ugh. I was communicating. Like you said.”_

_“Jake, I meant communicating things that you **mean** , not just saying whatever somebody wants to hear.”_

_“I didn’t exactly **not** mean it… I kind of forgive him. In theory. I just still don’t want anything to do with him. I can forgive him from a distance.”_

_“You didn’t have to talk to him, you know.”_

_And then he was crying. “Mom, I-” His voice broke and he sucked in a shaky breath._

_“What’s wrong? I can hear it in your voice, what’s happening?” He sobbed into the phone. “Jake?”_

_“It’s- Amy’s… That’s why the cops called.” He tried to catch his breath, tried to speak more clearly. “I found her- He- It was Teddy.”_

_Karen gasped on the other end of the line_. 

_“She’s hurt so bad. And I wasn’t there. We got in that fight and I was such a dick, Mom. I should’ve been there.” He choked out another strangled sob._

_“Honey,” Karen soothed. “Baby, no. This isn’t your fault. Hey, Jake.” She listened to his breathing, probably trying to gauge if he was calming down at all. “Jake, you are not responsible for this.”_

_He just kept trying to tell himself that. In theory, he knew. Of course he wasn’t responsible for Teddy’s actions. Of course. But he just couldn’t keep the thought away. Maybe he didn’t cause it, but he didn’t prevent it, either._

“Ames,” Jake said coolly. “I’ve been trying to talk to you, like everything’s normal, you know? They said it might help if I talk to you, since we kind of talk a lot normally. I don’t know. But it’s kind of weird to talk to you when you can’t respond. You know, when you can’t get mad at my jokes and stuff?” He shrugged his shoulders, then rolled his eyes at himself. She couldn’t see him shrugging. It felt stupid. 

“So, I wanted to tell you that you’re a nerd. That’s how I was able to call your parents the day that- you know… They told me to call your parents, and when I said I didn’t have their phone numbers, they asked if I had your passcode. I said yes, even though we both know I didn’t.” 

“That’s how I found out you were an even bigger nerd than I thought. I figured I’d try a few quick things and if they didn’t work, I’d say you must’ve changed it. So first, obviously, I tried your birthday. That wasn’t it, which I guess is good, since any dumb guy that found your phone would probably try your birthday first, right? Smort. So next, I figured I’d just try this. You’ll like this one: 5253. That’s J-a-k-e. It didn’t work, obviously. But it would’ve been cool if it did. But I got it on the third try. 3141. The first four digits of pi. I thought it was just too nerdy, it wouldn’t work. I almost did it as a joke. But that’s what it was, Ames. You’re a super nerd. And you’re the cutest person I know.” 

He squeezed her hand again. 

Actually, not all of that was true. He hadn’t tried 5253, J-a-k-e as a code. He made that up for the story. He actually got the code on the second try, with the pi guess. But it wasn’t just a random, nerdy joke that made him try it. 

_“You know, one time I won a contest for reciting the most digits of pi off the top of my head?”_

_Jake scrunched his eyebrows at her. “What?”_

_“Yeah. It was the fifth grade.”_

_“Numbers of pie? Like, how many apples?”_

_Amy looked at him for a moment, head cocked to the side. “Are you joking?”_

_“I have literally no clue on this earth what you are talking about, Amy Santiago.”_

_She rolled her eyes at him using her full name. “Pi. Like the number? 3.141.”_

_Jake’s eyes narrowed a little. “3.141? That doesn’t really sound familiar. 3.14 kind of rings a bell.”_

_Amy crossed her arms across her chest. “No, Jake. You can’t just stop at the four. It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know why they do it that way.”_

_Jake threw his hands up. “You sound insane. Also, it kind of sounds like you’re breaking a rule by adding that extra digit. You’re kind of turning me on, Santiago.”_

_She smacked him on the shoulder. “I’m not breaking a rule because that one is part of the number, dummy. It doesn’t make sense because why stop on an odd number? Pi is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. A circle’s such an even shape, so why would they stop at an odd number of digits.”_

_“I have so many things to make fun of you for, here. But first, I’d just like to ask: How do you know so much about circles when you, my nerdy friend, are such a **square**?”_

_“Ha-ha, Jake. So funny.”_

_“And did you ever think that 3.14 ends in an even number? Four is even.” Amy was silent, looking at him with her lips slightly parted while she thought about that. “If you ask me, I think all this even and odd talk is just code for something.”_

_“Code for something?” Amy glared in his direction. “What do you mean?”_

_He shrugged and turned back to his book to read about the brain’s spatial ability. But he didn’t miss the inquisitive look that Amy shot in his direction when she thought he wasn’t looking._

That’s why he tried it. And he was shocked when it was right. Then he had to wonder: was her code already 3141? Or did she change it to that after they had talked? Was that her code because of him? But at the time, he really didn’t have a lot of extra time to wonder about that, because he had been tasked with contacting her parents. 

Once things had settled down at the hospital, he also texted Kylie to let her know what had happened. He didn’t text Gina or Charles until the next day, assuring them that he was fine, but he wouldn’t be around much for a little while. 

Jake had settled back against the chair and was continuing to count all the speckles. 

_48 tiles._

_-151_   
_-152_   
_-153_   
_-154_

_2 weeks._

_-155_   
_-156_   
_-157_

_14 days_.

_-158_   
_-159_   
_-160_   
_-161_

_336 hours._

_-162_   
_-163_   
_-164_

_20,160 minutes._

_-165_   
_-166_   
_-16-_

Jake’s head snapped over when he heard movement next to him. Amy was moving. He turned to her, stepping out of his chair and leaning over her, watching. He was holding his breath as if the slightest breath would stop her from moving. 

Slowly, Amy opened her eyes, blinking at the light that she hadn’t seen in far too long. Her eyes were bloodshot, he could see where a blood vessel had broken, causing bright redness on the white of her eye. Her eyebrows scrunched together quickly and her hand moved to her mouth, covering the tubes that were jutting out of her mouth. The expression that moved into her eyes quickly went from confusion to unmistakable fear. 

“Hey, hey, Ames, hey, it’s okay, hold on.” He took her hands gently in his own and pulled them away from the tubes, for fear that she may rip them out if her hands remained on the tubes. Her hands were shaky, but her face relaxed when she looked directly at him. 

“Hold on, I’m going to call the nurse in here, okay?” 

Amy’s eyes flashed between his eyes and his lips, which he took as an attempt to nod. She couldn’t actually nod, due to the inconvenience of being in a neck brace and having all those tubes sticking out of her.

Jake found the button on the edge of Amy’s bed and rapidly pushed it about 35 times. Nora was in the room in record time. Jake had only called for a nurse twice over the past two weeks, so they had learned that when he called, it was for something pretty serious. 

\--

 _What’s happening?_

She listened to the beeping noises around her, stirring slightly in her position. She felt… stiff. 

She struggled to open her eyes, but when she did, she found Jake staring at her. 

_What was happening?_

She tried to speak, but something was making it impossible. Her hands rushed up to her mouth, where she found some sort of plastic sticking out. 

_What. Was. Happening?_

“Hey, hey, Ames, hey, it’s okay, hold on.” 

Jake was holding her hands now. She looked at him, confused, but comforted. 

“Hold on, I’m going to call the nurse in here, okay?” 

So they were in the hospital. Amy was in the hospital? Jake looked fine. Her eyes flickered between his eyes and his lips, inspecting him. 

A woman rushed into the room. 

“Amy Santiago, you’re awake! I’m so happy to see that. Hold on just a moment and we’ll get Dr. Gonzalez in here for you…” She turned and started dialing on a phone. 

Amy was looking at Jake again, squeezing his hand with her own as hard as she could muster. Why was she in the hospital?

She closed her eyes again. 

“Ames? You okay?” Jake asked. “Shit,” he mumbled after. “Stupid question…” 

She was ignoring him, thinking. 

_What happened?_

_Nick._

_She had been kissing Nick._

_Kylie pulled her away, took her home. She didn’t want her to do something she’d regret, she remembered._

_Her apartment door had been unlocked._

_When she turned on the lights, he was there. Teddy was there_. 

_And maybe everything would’ve been fine, but when he looked at her, her lipstick was smudged. From kissing Nick. Not Jake, like Teddy had thought._

_“What, he fucking lives here, now?”_

_“What? No. Not that that’s any of your business.”_

_This was clearly the wrong answer, judging by how he slammed her against the wall, holding her face in his hand as he spoke through his teeth to her._

_“I saw his fucking bedroom. Your little fucking boyfriend that hit me the other day, right?”_

_Amy didn’t say anything. Wrong again._

_She tried to recount all the details of the assault, but some parts were blurry. She remembered the sharp sting as the back of her arms got cut by the corner of the coffee table when she fell against. Remembered seeing blood on the wall. So fucking stupid, how she thought that she’d have a hard time getting that stain out. In the middle of all that, she had been thinking about cleaning her walls_. 

_She remembered being on the floor when her text message tone went off. Not just any text message tone, though. Jake’s._

_He had set a special tone for his ringtone on her phone one day while they were studying. He begged her to unlock the phone, but wouldn’t tell her why._

_It wasn’t until later that night when he texted her that she figured it out._

_Taylor Swift’s voice startled her, blaring out of her phone._

_-Meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile-_

_An obnoxiously long text tone, she noted._

_**Jake:** Bring back any good memories, Santiago?_

_The too-long ringtone blared again when he sent the emoji of a dancing girl and a winking face. He didn’t bring up his birthday party often, because he didn’t want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable, but every now and then he found an opportunity to fit in a nice joke or two. He was teasing her._

_And she didn’t know why, but instead of annoying her, it made her smile. Her stomach twisted in knots as memories flashed through her mind of Jake pulling her close to his body, showing her how to dance. She wouldn’t admit it then, but her mind also flashed to their bodies being close a little later that night, too._

_She had meant to change the tone. She swore. But usually her phone was on silent, anyway, and when the volume was up for some reason, it always brought a smile to her face when he texted her. So she just never got around to it._

_Her volume was up that night, and it caught Teddy’s attention. They were on the kitchen floor, now. At this point, Amy was beyond the point of fighting back, but Teddy was relentless. Until the text tone went off. That may have been the end of it, but then Amy grabbed his wrist lightly, as if she was pleading wordlessly with him to stop. He snapped his attention back onto her in the worst way, but when the tone went off a second time, he stood up, glancing around the room at the scene around him._

_He looked confused, almost. She remembered him staring down at his hands, her blood staining them, and then looking back at Amy. When the tone went off a third time, Teddy left the apartment completely._

_Of course, Amy was relieved. He was gone. But it didn’t take long for her to realize that she wasn’t going anywhere. She couldn’t even lift her arms up all the way. She felt dizzy and light-headed, like the room was spinning even when her eyes were closed. She hurt everywhere._

___She couldn’t get to the phone._ _ _

___She couldn’t call the police._ _ _

___She couldn’t move._ _ _

___And she hoped more than anything that those texts from Jake were telling her that he was on his way to see her._ _ _

__The next memories she had were even blurrier. _She had been dozing off, trying her hardest to stay awake. But she was so sleepy. She would just rest her eyes for a while. Then Jake, calling her name. It felt like days later when he found her, running over and taking her face in his hands._ _ _

___She could hear his voice in her head still now, begging her to stay awake, trying to assure her that everything would be okay even though his voice shook the entire time. His 9-1-1 call, holding her hand the entire time._ _ _

___His frantic apologies, like he wasn’t sure if he’d get a chance to apologize to her after this moment. Apologizing for not being there, apologizing for being a bad friend, for being a bad person._ _ _

___And all Amy wanted to do was hug him. To thank him for being there now, because that was all that mattered. He came back, and he found her. She didn’t want him to apologize to her._ _ _

__Amy blinked back to reality, feeling tears threatening to fall as she looked at a young, attractive man who had walked into the room. Her doctor, she assumed. She glanced at Jake, who was now on the phone, still holding her hand._ _

__“Yeah, Camila? I’m going to put you on speaker, now. The doctor just walked in. But yes, she’s awake.”_ _

__Jake clicked a button and Camila’s voice immediately came through on the phone._ _

__“Amy? Mija, I’m so happy you’re awake. We’re on our way right now, mi amor. I love you so much.” She was audibly crying on the phone._ _

__Her father cutting her off- “Camila let’s see what the doctor has to say.”_ _

__The young man smiled at Amy, waving at her. “We haven’t officially met. I’m Dr. Gonzalez, and I’ve been at the head of your case, Ms. Santiago. Do you remember what happened?”_ _

__Amy tried to nod, feeling the stiffness again. What was on her head?_ _

__“That looked like a yes, but you don’t know the full extent of your injuries yet, of course. You’re wearing a neck brace right now. It should be able to be removed in approximately four more weeks. You are on a ventilator and a feeding tube at the moment, because you’d given us all quite a scare and you were having trouble breathing on your own. As long as you keep up being as strong as you are right now, we should be able to work on removing those tomorrow. Then you’ll be able to work back up to speaking.”_ _

__He was checking tubes, different things as he was speaking to her._ _

__“I know this is a lot of information.” He smiled encouragingly. “But you have a great support system around you.” He gestured to Jake, who Amy looked at as well. Jake chanced a small smile at her, but he looked like he was quite possibly going to explode at any second._ _

__“These tubes,” the doctor continued, “are to drain the fluid from your lungs. Your injuries were quite severe, and you had damage to your lungs. It appears to be reversible, and based on your x-ray from this morning, we may be able to remove one of the drainage tubes tonight, and the following one tomorrow. But even once we have all of the tubes out and you’re doing well, you’re going to have to stay here. We’ll have to monitor you and slowly build you back up to your normal level of activity. This means that there will be a physical therapist coming to your room to work with you a few hours each day. You’re also in a special bed that will compress air around your legs so that they are stimulated, even before you are able to be up and moving around.”_ _

__“Does anybody have any questions?”_ _

___Yes? Can I ask a million questions?_ _ _

___How long do I have to stay here?_ _ _

___How are you even old enough to be a doctor?_ _ _

___How long have I already been here?_ _ _

___Why is Jake here but my parents aren’t?_ _ _

___Where is Teddy?_ _ _

__Jake was the first one to speak. “Yes. So what about her head lac? And her arm? You didn’t mention all of the injuries, I just think she should know about all of it.”_ _

___Jake, that wasn’t really a question._ _ _

___More importantly: head lac? Lac? Why does Jake sound like Grey’s Anatomy. Maybe this was a dream?_ _ _

__The doctor smiled at Jake. “Yes, Jake, you’re right. You’ve been so helpful here.” The smile looked forced. Jake had probably been annoying the doctors as much as he always worked to annoy Amy. But right now, she was thankful for him being there, making sure that she had all of the information. “You have a wound on your head, a laceration that is mostly healed. Your dressings should be ready to come off within the next day or two. As for your arm… It’s in a cast. You had a pretty bad break in your ulna. Luckily, we got away with no surgery, but it will need to remain in the cast for at least another 4-6 weeks.”_ _

__After a few more questions from Jake and her parents, the doctor smiled and left them alone. The nurse remained in the room for a few extra minutes, adjusting medications and such. They had explained to her all of the medications she was on, most of them to address her pain, but there were so many that she couldn’t really remember. And she was so tired again._ _

__When she and Jake were alone, she started closing her eyes again._ _

__“Ames?” Jake said, panic clear in his voice._ _

__Her eyes fluttered open as she looked at him. She lifted his hand up to her face and pressed it against her cheek, then closed her eyes again. She would wake up when her parents got there. Everything would be fine._ _

__Everything would be okay._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will everything be okay??????? 
> 
> What do you think? 
> 
> Camila & Jake vs. Victor? An ideal fight? Will we see more of that??? I sure hope so.


	19. Pickin' Up Good Vibrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm absolutely dying guys, it's fine. 
> 
> It's fine. 
> 
> Is it fine?
> 
> I think it's fine......................
> 
> Have fun. 
> 
> Title from Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's long
> 
> title of my sex tape
> 
> muahaha

“Go fish,” Amy said proudly, smacking her cards face down on the table. 

“Ugh, come _on_ ,” her younger brother Benji yelled. “I don’t want to play anymore. How are you still winning? We’ve played like 30 games and I haven’t won a single time!” 

Jake snickered behind his cards. 

“Hey, shut up. You haven’t won, either.” 

“Yeah, but that’s only because I’m _letting_ her win.” Jake snapped back, wiggling his eyebrows at Amy.

“You’re _letting me_ win?” Amy scrunched her eyebrows up and bumped Jake’s arm with her cast. “I don’t think so, Peralta. It’s not my fault you’re not superior at Go Fish, like I am.” This was directed at both of the boys. 

“Ugh, Moooommmm,” Benji yelled. “Amy and Jake are _flirting_ again.”

“We are not!” They both said in unison. 

“Amy’s just kicking my ass in Go Fish.” Jake shrugged. 

Camila looked at Jake, eyebrows raised suggestively. “Mhm, I’m sure.” Her tone hinted that she actually wasn’t sure, and she didn’t believe him at all.

“What, you don’t believe me? Take a look at my cards, Mila. I’m a loser.” 

“Yeah you are,” Amy agreed smugly. 

“Oh, I know,” Camila laughed. 

“Hey, guys, come on. It’s starting to feel like you’re ganging up on me…” 

“We are, loser,” Benji added. 

Jake crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair to pout, sliding further down in the chair when the Santiagos collectively laughed at him. 

The past week had been a lot more eventful than the two before. 

The day after Amy woke up, they removed the ventilator and feeding tube. Her voice was so hoarse that she didn’t really speak much. She was also on so many medications that she could barely stay awake. Even when she was up, she was groggy and the few words that she could manage were slurred. 

The next day, they adjusted her pain medications so that she was more alert. That was the first time he got a chance to really hear her voice again. 

She opened her eyes from a nap and looked at him, offering a slight smile and blinking the sleep away. 

“Jake? Can you get me some water?” 

He had never ran to get water so fast in his life. He would do anything to hear that voice again. Even more so than normal now that he hadn’t heard it for such a long time. And at the time, all she could consume was water. If she did okay with the water, she could move up to other liquids the next day. So of _course_ he would go and get her the only thing she could actually have. Of course. 

That day was a rush of doctors and nurses coming in and out. More x-rays, removing tubes, drawing blood, checking and removing bandages, checking potassium levels, probably a thousand other things Jake couldn’t remember or never even understand in the first place. And Amy was an angel through all of it. He watched as she was poked, adjusted, questioned, and bothered. The entire time he stood by, waiting for her to need him (or really waiting for her to need _someone_ , but he was the only someone there at the moment), but she never did. 

It was when the police came in that Amy finally broke down a little more. 

“The suspect, Theodore Wells? We have him in custody. The question is: Do you want to press charges?” 

Amy was silent, looking down at her hands. Jake reached over gently and held her hand, prompting her to look up at him. She met his eyes tentatively, but held his gaze. He was trying to urge her to say yes, of course she wanted to press charges. 

“I don’t know.” 

Jake froze. His thumb which had been previously rubbing circles on her hand suddenly tensed, and Amy looked back at Jake. He didn’t meet her eyes, instead choosing to address the police. 

“How long does she have to decide?” 

“Well, with the extenuating circumstances, a little longer than usual. The state is pursuing charges on the suspect, but there will be a better chance of a more severe punishment if Ms. Santiago chooses to press charges. Since he is already in custody and being pursued, she will have two weeks to decide. At that point, we will need to get the ball rolling on a formal indictment, if that is the choice that you make.” 

Amy nodded slowly. “And is there a card or something? How do I get into contact with you?” 

The police officer nodded and presented a card to her, handing it over. She set it on the table next to the bed, where a few of her other belongings were set. 

“Thank you.” 

“There’s one more thing. We’re going to need a statement from you… About what happened. To the best of your memory. Not necessarily right now, but when you’re feeling up to it. Within the next two weeks.” 

Amy’s expression hardened at this and Jake felt her tense in his hand. He tried to focus on the beeping of the heart monitor. Was her heart rate remaining normal? He didn’t know anything about heart rates, and unfortunately that wasn’t part of the extensive knowledge he had picked up on in his time there. 

Once the officers left, Jake turned toward Amy. 

“You’re not going to press charges, Ames?” 

Amy pulled her hand away from him and looked away. 

“I said I don’t know.” 

“Yeah… And I don’t know doesn’t really sound like ‘yes’ to me…” 

“That’s because it’s _not_ a yes.” 

“Why wouldn’t you press charges?” He could see that she was becoming increasingly frustrated, and of course he didn’t want to upset her, but he truly didn’t understand. She didn’t report him the first time, and look what happened. He was back for her again, over a year later. What happens next time? Does he just keep coming back until-

“Because.” She said curtly. 

“Amy, because why? What if he comes back?”

“I’ll just move away.” Her voice was monotone, like she had thought of this and it was really a viable option. 

“And what? You’ll just start a whole new life? Join witness protection?”

“Is this a joke to you?” She finally looked at him now, her eyebrows pulling toward one another. He could see that she was breathing harder now than she had been before, her chest rising and falling rapidly. 

“Of course this isn’t a joke to me. But Amy, I-,” he took a deep breath, getting himself worked up over her being worked up. “I don’t want to see something like this happen to you again.” 

“Something like this _won’t_ happen to me again.” 

“How can you be so sure? And what about the next girl?” 

The room grew silent as Amy stopped breathing, clearly thinking about this. She hadn’t considered the next girl. If Teddy did this to her, he would do it to someone else one day, too. 

“If you don’t press charges, he could come back for you or go after someone else. They might not be-,” Jake stopped. He didn’t want to say she was ‘lucky'. He wouldn’t call this lucky. 

She nodded. “I’ll think about it. I have time to decide.” 

He accepted this. When her parents arrived that night, he figured it would be best to give them some space. He needed a little bit of space, himself. He had been informally inducted into the Santiago family (by everyone except Victor, that is). He had met all of the brothers, and though most of them inspected him suspiciously and a few questioned why he was there with their sister, they were all kind enough. He especially liked Benji and Tony, though he wasn’t a huge fan of David. But when David came, so did Amy’s baby niece, whom Jake quite enjoyed being around. The entire family was coming in to see Amy for a while, and though he really enjoyed spending time with the Santiagos, he wasn’t in the mood to be around everyone.

“Okay, I’m going to stay at my mom’s tonight, Ames. That okay? Will you be fine here?” 

He swore he saw a bit of hesitation flash across her features, but she nodded. “I’ll be fine.” 

He tried to ignore the disappointment that swelled inside of him at this. “Okay. Text me if you need _anything_. Okay?” He waited for her to nod. “You guys, too. Anything, okay?” He was directing his attention to Camila and Victor now. 

Camila smiled warmly. “Of course, Jake. Tell your mother I said hello.” 

Jake still woke up throughout the night, but he slept a little better in a bed than he did in the chairs at the hospital. He called the hospital the next day before coming back. 

“Nurse Nora, hey!” He greeted once his call had been transferred. “How’s Amy on the food situation?”

“She has been cleared for a liquid diet. No dairy, though.” 

“So… sorbet?”

“Sorbet will be fine,” she assured. 

That’s how Jake ended up back at the hospital with five different flavors of sorbet for Amy to choose from. When Camila and Victor returned, Jake and Amy were laughing together, both sitting on the bed and sharing raspberry sorbet from the same container. And things almost felt normal to Jake, save for the cast and the neckbrace, the beeping monitors, the I.V., and her parents sitting across from them. But this was still as normal as things had felt in what felt like forever. 

A few hours later, once Amy had fallen asleep, Jake still sat in a chair, glancing between the game on his phone and the sleeping girl in front of him. He tried to keep his glances at her to a minimum, especially since he could feel Victor’s eyes on him. Amy’s parents were talking back and forth every now and then in Spanish when suddenly Camila switched abruptly to English. 

“Because, Victor. He’s in love with our daughter.” She was smiling at Jake when he looked up. Victor had a scowl on his face, aimed right for Jake. 

Jake laughed lightly. “Uhhh, no, I’m not.”

Camila laughed back. “That’s not what it looked like earlier.” 

He laughed again. “I assure you that I am not in love with your daughter.”

Victor’s grimace deepened. “And what exactly is so funny about the possibility of you being in love with my daughter?”

Now Jake was stammering. “Uh- I… Nothing? I’m- It’s just… You know, Amy’s like _so_ pretty, it’s not that.”

“Oh, really? Is that all she is to you? _Pretty?_ ”

“What? No, I- That’s not what I meant, I mean... Just... She’s-”

“Victor, leave the poor boy alone. He’s obviously too overcome by his feelings for Amy to string together a coherent sentence.” She teased, smiling cheekily at Jake, then shaking her head in a silly way at Victor. 

“What are you going to do when we take her home, Jake?” The question seemed way out of the blue, especially considering Camila’s joking tone only seconds before. 

This hadn’t occurred to Jake. Obviously. He had spent almost every waking moment (and a majority of the sleeping moments, too) with her ever since she went into the hospital. He hadn’t really considered what his days would look like after. Another thing that hadn’t occurred to him: that Amy wouldn’t be going home to her apartment. It makes perfect sense that she wouldn’t be able to go home. She was just now working on standing up on her own for the first time since the incident. Obviously she wouldn’t be able to completely take care of herself alone. 

“Oh… I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t really thought about that.” 

Victor sighed. “It’s just that you’re here _all_ the time. And when Amy gets home, she might need some space to get back to her normal life.” 

Jake didn’t say anything, because to be perfectly honest, he was terrified of Victor, but he absolutely disagreed with him. Her normal life didn’t involve her living with her parents. Her normal wasn’t hanging around with her brothers all day or sitting at the dinner table between Victor and Camila. He didn’t want to say that _he_ was her normal, but he was much more of her normal than living at home with her parents in Manhattan was going to be. Her normal was study dates in the library. Her normal was grabbing lunch with Kylie a few times a week. Her normal was _here_. She should be in _Brooklyn_. 

And some little, weird part of his brain shouted: she should be with _me_. 

And he immediately shook that weird thought out of his head. What kind of creepy, possessive shit even _was_ that? He was internally gagging at himself, still silent and looking at Amy with an expression that he could feel was not appropriate for the situation. Not _inappropriate_ , but his eyebrows were furrowed in thought and he was staring intensely at her sleeping face. 

What was happening to him? The whole ‘he’s in love with our daughter’ thing caught him off guard and got him on edge, but that couldn’t be what was making him feel like he was stuck underwater. Like he could see the surface, but no matter how hard he swam, he couldn’t reach it. The desire to breathe quickly turned into desperation, but the burning inside of his lungs remained strong until he was gasping for air, choking on the water that wasn’t even there. 

Victor grumbled something and Camila smacked his shoulder lightly. “Stop it,” she scolded. 

Jake hadn’t heard what Victor had said, but he didn’t really care. 

“I guess I’ll just go home,” Jake rushed through his words uncomfortably. “I don’t know.” 

“Well of course you’ll be able to come visit Amy at our house, Jake,” Camila added, receiving a pointed look from Victor. 

“Actually, I think I’m going to just go right now, if that’s fine.” 

Camila narrowed her eyes at Victor, gesturing toward Jake. Victor shrugged his shoulders at Camila and mouthed ‘what?’ Jake stopped looking at them, collecting his few belongings to go. He couldn’t get outside fast enough. He hoped more than anything that opening the doors would send the water pouring out of the room, pouring out of his lungs, giving him the opportunity to feel his lungs expand full of oxygen. 

He heard a deep sigh, then Victor reluctantly speaking. “You don’t have to leave. Amy would like it if you stayed.” 

Normally, Jake would agree. At the moment, he wasn’t so sure. The longer he stayed in the room, the more he stared at Amy, and the less he could breathe until finally, he blurted out something that he didn’t even know he was thinking. 

“She needs to move.” 

Both of Amy’s parents stared at him, clearly confused. 

“I- uhm… I mean her apartment. She can’t stay there. He knows where she lives. What if he isn’t prosecuted? She at least needs to switch to a different apartment, but a whole different complex would be even better.” He was stumbling through his words without thinking about the end of the thought. 

Victor blinked slowly at him. “You’re… right. She shouldn’t stay there.”

Jake was taken aback by Victor agreeing with him for the first time. “Can I… like, help with that? I don’t know… I just want to do something to help.” 

“Jake, you _have_ been helping.” Camila was speaking, her voice soothing, but not soothing enough to pull him out of the breathless state that he was in. 

“I’ll make the call tomorrow,” Victor replied. “We’ll get it set up for her to move to a different building. And then you can move her things, if you’d like.”

“We have to make sure this is all okay with Amy. She might not even want to move. And she might not want me moving her things.” The more he thought about it, the worse this idea sounded. Why would he even suggest that without talking to her? He just decided that she needed to move? He stood by that opinion, but it wasn’t his choice to make. But now he went and brought it up to her parents, and of course they’re going to push their opinion on Amy. This was just going to make things harder for her, and she was going through enough as it was. 

If either of them responded, he didn’t hear it. He was busy drowning again. Reflecting on the words he had just said. If Teddy wasn’t prosecuted… What would that even mean? He just wanted Amy to be safe. He looked at her now, sleeping peacefully despite the brace keeping her neck straight. She looked so peaceful and content, which was weird because he knew for a fact that she usually slept on her side. How could she be so peaceful and comfortable-looking when she was forced to sleep in a way that was on its own uncomfortable to her? 

That spurred a whole new sector of thought: sleeping in bed with Amy. Reflecting on those experiences, reflecting on being close to her. Which brought him back to ‘ _he’s in love with our daughter_ ,’ and eventually cycled him back to standing in front of her, hissing that she was _barely_ his friend. Then back to an earlier memory: Amy placing her hand gently on his arm as they drove away from Sophia’s funeral. He shook her off, but she was just comforting him. 

Back to Amy’s birthday. _You’re a bad friend, Amy_. Her voice. _You barely even know me, Jake_. The two of them in the library, her toes curled comfortably under his thigh as they laughed together. The protective feeling he got when Teddy called her a name. The jealousy when he saw Dennis trying to flirt with Amy in their class. The desire that he felt for her when she looked at him just the right way from underneath her eyelashes. 

_‘He’s in love with our daughter.’_

“I think I need to go back to my mom’s for the night,” Jake said quietly. He was feeling uncomfortable and wanted to be alone. The entire situation was weighing heavily on him. He hadn’t really let himself _feel_ a lot of what had been happening. He had been emotional, but not in a way that had been comforting to him in any way. 

Jake said a rushed goodbye to Camila and Victor before walking over to sleeping Amy and lightly squeezing her hand, the way he had been doing to let her know that he was there when she was unconscious. And it was weird, because Victor and Camila were watching him. And the worst part? It made him feel a little _better_. Then he was feeling guilty on top of whatever else he was already feeling. He couldn’t even identify the dark feeling creeping up on him. But the fact that deflecting into doing something he had done while she was seriously injured had _comforted_ him? 

And it was confusing all over again. Did it make him feel better because it was familiar? Because he had done it so many times over the past few weeks? Because he was touching her? Why couldn’t he breathe? 

He found himself almost staggering to his car, leaning against the cool metal when he got there and trying his hardest to just suck in a fucking breath. How hard was it to just take a breath? Babies take breaths. How come babies can figure out how to breathe, but you can’t just _take a fucking breath, Jake?_ You don’t even have to think about breathing.

Except for when you do. And Jake was thinking about it really hard. How to breathe. _How do you breathe? You just… breathe. You just open your mouth and the air goes in, right?_ He was doing all of the things that breathing required, but he wouldn’t really call what he was doing breathing so much as that weird thing that women in labor always do in the movies. Did that have a name? 

“Jake?” 

Jake turned around abruptly, trying to locate the voice that had called him. He was surprised to find Amy’s little brother, Benji looking at him cautiously. Ben had left at least an hour ago. He assumed one of Amy’s other brothers had picked him up, but apparently he had just been sitting in the car waiting for them to leave and take him home. 

“Are you okay?”

Jake feigned a smile, and judging by Benji’s raised eyebrows, the expression looked scarier than it looked happy. 

“Hey, man. You kinda look like you’re having a panic attack. Amy used to have those like, all the time.”

Benji, short for Benjamin, Jake had learned, was only 15. He was the youngest of the Santiago children, and interestingly enough, was also the closest to Amy. 

“Here,” Ben said, placing a hand on Jake’s shoulder. “Take a deep breath in through your nose and count to three. Then breathe out through your mouth.” He waited while Jake did as he said, then nodded. “Good. Now keep doing that.” 

Benji continued looking at Jake while he did this, reassuring him a little as he regulated his breathing again. “You good?” 

Jake nodded, feeling a little weak, but mostly embarrassed for doing whatever it was that he had just done in front of Amy’s baby brother. “Yeah, sorry about that. I don’t know what that was.” 

“I’m telling you, man. Panic attack. I’ve seen like a thousand of them.” He placed his hands together and pulled them apart slowly, making a gesture depicting something large. A thousand Amy panic attacks, Jake guessed. 

“Thanks. I gotta go.” Jake opened the door and began getting in the car. 

“Hey, wait.” Ben held the side of his arm, looking down at the ground and kicking at some pebbles on the pavement. “Thanks for hanging around and like, helping with my sister. That’s really cool of you.” He shrugged and looked up at Jake. “I like you. And she does, too.” He nodded toward Jake in a way that made Jake think there was more to the conversation, but then he just waved. 

Jake tried not to think about what else Benji might have wanted to say. He reminded himself all the way home to breathe in through his nose and back out through his mouth. Slowly. And once he made it there he fell asleep quickly, exhaustion hitting him like a truck. For the second night in a row, Jake slept in a bed. And for the 18th night in a row, Jake slept terribly. 

\--

“Hey Santiago-” Jake greeted excitedly as he strolled into the room. He could see that he had clearly misjudged the atmosphere of the room he had just walked into and continued it with, “-ooooooh no what is happening?” 

Victor glared at Jake in a way that somehow seemed even worse than all of the other times he had been on the other end of that look. “Well, Amy. Why don’t you go ahead and tell him what is happening?” There was just a little bit of acidity behind ‘what is happening,’ like he was loosely mocking Jake in a way that he could deny it if he was caught. But based on the angry eyes shooting daggers at Jake, he figured he probably wouldn’t even bother to deny it. 

Amy smiled at Jake. “Well, _Peralta_. I’ve made a decision. About my apartment.” 

Jake’s expression softened a little, now that he understood what was happening. “Oh. So you don’t want to move?” He was confused because he had only come up to the hospital to say hello. Victor had texted Jake that morning with the new apartment number, saying that he spoke with Amy and her landlord and he was all set to start moving her things. 

Amy cocked her head to the side. “No? What are you talking about?”

“Wait… What are _you_ talking about?” 

Amy and her father shared aggressive glances. 

Camila shook her head and dropped her face into her palms dramatically. “Will the two of you stop your arguing and explain to the boy what you’re arguing about?” 

Jake was more confused than ever, but finally Amy spoke. “No. About going to my apartment when I leave the hospital.” 

“Oh,” Jake said quietly. “Yeah, I’m sure you’ll need a lot of things from there. Did you want me to just bring some of your stuff back here? Or to your parents?”

Amy rolled her eyes. “ _No_ , Jake. About _living_ in my apartment after I get out of the hospital.”

Jake shook his head, still confused. “I don’t think I understand. You’re not going to be able to live there by yourself.” 

Amy smiled wide. “Exactly. Which is why it’s perfect that you’re already staying with me.” 

Jake now glanced nervously at Victor and Camila. He didn’t know how much of this they already knew about. More specifically, he didn’t know how much Victor wanted to strangle him, but based on the large, fuming man in the corner who had now directed his even-angrier glare at the floor, he thought the answer was: a lot. 

“You think he wants to take care of you? He’s not going to be able to do all of the things you need help with. What about when you need help with showering?” 

Jake blushed and tore his attention away from Amy. 

“I’ll have Kylie come help. Besides, I’ll only need help for like two or three weeks until I can get my cast off.”

“What about physical therapy?”

“What about it? Jake is perfectly capable of following directions,” Amy proclaimed. Though the look she shot toward him looked much less sure than she sounded, he noticed. 

“Mija, I think maybe it would be best if you stayed with us at first,” Camila added quietly. 

Amy smiled fakely at her mother. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing that I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions then, isn’t it? As long as Jake is comfortable with all of this.” 

All three of them turned to look at Jake. And he thought he was just going to walk in and say hello before strolling back out to move Amy’s stuff. So much for that. 

\--

“So, basically I’m going to be like, helping her around the house and helping with her physical therapy and stuff like that,” Jake explained. Charles, Gina, and Kylie were all helping him load Amy’s things into the back of the moving truck that Victor had rented. The new building was about a block away from where the old one was. 

“And you get to help her shower?” Charles asked. “You’re so lucky.” Jake and both of the women made a face at Charles, to which he continued, “Washing a woman’s hair is the most sensuous thing you can do for her.” His eyes were so filled with admiration that Jake could have thrown up on the spot. 

“Charles, you’re disgusting,” Gina added. 

“Plus,” Kylie cut in, “ _I’m_ going to be helping Amy shower. Not Jake.” Charles frowned deeply. 

“Now that _that_ disgusting situation is over,” Jake continued, raising his eyebrows toward Charles, “I would just like to point out that I’m not looking for sensuous things to do for Amy, because we’re _just_ friends.” 

He turned pointedly and began collecting some things from on top of her bedside table to place into the box he was filling. The near-hysterical sound that escaped Kylie is what made him turn back around. He looked at her suspiciously, waiting for an explanation. 

Kylie shook her head. “Nope. Nothing. I have _nothing_ to say.” 

Gina was looking toward Kylie now, too. She was glad things were finally getting a little more interesting in the boring apartment of Amy Santiago. She loudly whispered to Jake, “Psst, girl. Sounds like she _does_ have something to say.” 

“Oh my god. Is Amy in love with Jake?!” Charles asked excitedly. “I mean, of course she is,” he gushed. “They’re perfect for each other. Jake’s in-”

Jake clamped his hand over Charles’ mouth quickly. “A crushing amount of debt! Jake’s in a crushing amount of debt.” 

“Ooh, nice save, Jake,” Gina’s sarcasm was obvious. 

“What is it that you would like to say, Kylie?” Jake still had his hand over Charles’ mouth. 

Kylie shrugged and continued what she was doing, never meeting Jake’s eye contact. But she mumbled, “I just know for a fact that you and Amy have done a few things that _just friends_ don’t typically do.” 

“Ow!” Jake yelled, pulling his hand away from Charles’ mouth. “You _bit_ me?” 

“Sorry, Jake. Desperate times call for desperate measures. You had _sex_ with Amy?!” 

“Damn,” Gina cut in. “Was it as boring as the decor in this bedroom?”

“No-”

“Wait, you and Amy had sex?” Kylie’s eyes were about to pop out of her head. “I just meant the few times you kissed!”

"You _kissed_?!" Charles yelled.

“Charles you _literally_ thought we had sex two seconds ago, how is kissing more important than that?” Jake was jittery now, the topic of he and Amy having sex becoming just a bit more than he had anticipated talking about. “No, I have not had sex with Amy. But sex with Amy _wouldn’t_ be boring,” he defended seriously before catching himself. “I mean… Ew. Sex with Amy? Disgusting.” 

“As riveting as talking about Jake and Amy’s collective sex life has been,” Gina rolled her eyes as she spoke, “I’m interested in hearing all of the things you’ll have to do for Amy when she’s back at home. Is Jake Peralta about to become a housewife? Ooh, or better yet, her caregiver? Get it? Like for an old person? Because her apartment is decorated like she’s 97?”

“He’s gonna wash her hair,” Charles nodded solemnly as he spoke. His words sounded like they were factual. He may as well have been reading them straight out of an encyclopedia. If it had actually been a fact, he could have read it straight out of the encyclopedia that was sitting on Amy’s bedside table. Jake packed it into the box. 

Jake fake gagged at Charles. “You’re gross. But I would wash her hair, if it helped. Honestly, if she told me it would make her feel better to punch me in the face, I would let her punch me all day long.” 

Everyone was silent, so Jake looked up from the box. Kylie was staring at him with adoration in her face, like that was the cutest thing she had ever heard. Gina had an eyebrow raised, but still looked mostly bored. And Charles? He had his hands over his mouth, eyes wide. 

“Oh my god, Jake. You- You’ve gone full Boyle.” 

“What? I have not!”

“Oh, I know full Boyle when I see it, and you, mister, have gone full Boyle. Embrace it, Jakey.” 

Gina was laughing harder than he had seen her laugh in a long time. “Jake, he’s right. You’re totally full Boyle for Amy.” 

“I’m not full Boyle! I’m full Peralta, and I’ll prove it.” 

“Wait, what is full Boyle?” Kylie finally asked. 

“Well, my nerdy friend. Let me explain. This here,” she gestured to Charles, “is Charles Boyle.”

Charles waved, like they had never met before. Both Gina and Kylie rolled their eyes. 

“Charles Boyle falls in love often. And when he falls, he falls _hard_.”

“One time,” Charles begins excitedly, “I told a girl I loved her after 73 seconds--a personal record for me.” 

“It’s true,” Gina agreed. “But we’re not talking about falling fast. We’re talking about falling hard. We’ve seen Charles go full Boyle a handful of times since high school. My personal favorite was with Eleanor." She shuddered as she said the name. "He adopted a dog within a week of them meeting. Guess what he named the dog?"

"Charleanor!" Charles quickly answered. "Charles and Eleanor put together." Jake gagged.

"Then there was the time he promised--and followed through with--spoonfeeding his high school girlfriend breakfast every morning. But not just her cereal, because that wasn’t good enough for _Vivian_ , right Charles?”

“I spoonfed her caviar over a bed of croque monsieur that I made fresh each morning. I would get up about two hours early every day.” He practically beamed. “Anything to make her happy.”

Kylie blinked, then turned her attention back to Jake. “Oh my god… Full Boyle!” 

“I’m not doing this,” Jake grumbled, turning back around to finish packing his current box. He opened the drawer to Amy’s bedside table and began pulling items out, carefully placing them in the box so as not to break anything. 

“He’ll lean into it one day,” Charles mumbled. Kylie hummed an “mhm,” in response. 

Suddenly, Jake yelped. He yelped as if he was horrified, startling everyone in the room. Then something clattered to the floor and the reacting movement of Jake down to the floor and the loud noise made by Jake to conceal whatever was happening on the floor was enough to get the attention of even the next-door neighbors. 

“What the fuck, Jake?” Gina snapped. 

Jake backed himself into the corner, hands both behind his back as he sat on the floor. He could feel himself blushing furiously and he did not know what to do to get out of the situation. All three of them were looking at him expectantly. 

“Uhm… A- There was a bug… A big bug. Yeah.” Jake remained in the corner and stumbled through his words. 

“Yeah, I’m not buying it,” Gina announced. “If there was a bug, why are you on the floor?” 

Jake thought. “I… had to get down on the floor to smash it. I didn’t want it to scare you guys, of course. You know... Like the gentleman I am?” 

Charles nodded acceptingly, but Gina shook her head. “Then stand up.” 

_Fuck._

Jake thought hard, but couldn’t come up with anything. So instead, he slowly began pushing himself up off of the floor, but when he did, he made a mistake. He leaned against the wall as he stood. A loud buzzing noise came from behind him and Jake gasped, pulling the object behind his back in front of him so he could frantically search for the button. 

All three of them gasped and Gina immediately broke into hysterics. “Oh my _god_ , is that a vibrator?”

Jake located the button and shut it off, dropping the blue, phallic vibrator into the box and looking panicked. Unfortunately, when he dropped it, the button was pressed on another item inside of the box, so the room was filled with the sound of vibration against cardboard. 

Jake groaned loudly, and reached back into the box to touch Amy’s vibrator for a third time. He wanted to die. Especially as Gina watched him, full of embarrassment as he gently placed it back in the bottom of the box and sank back down to the floor. Not only was he embarrassed about the entire situation, but he was feeling guilty. He shouldn’t have touched that. He shouldn’t have even seen it. He didn’t have Amy’s permission to go through that. Maybe he should have left the things inside of the drawers. But then what if something got broken during the move? 

She was literally moving like a block away. That probably wouldn’t have happened. But what if they opened the door to the moving truck and the vibrator was there, buzzing across the metallic floor of the truck? This is something he could have laughed about if Amy had been there for the situation. He would have teased her lovingly, but without her there, it felt pervy and wrong that he had even seen it, much less _wrapped his hand around it. Three times_. His hands, which were now covering his blushing face. 

“Uh… Jake? I don’t wanna bother you, over there all turned on or whatever… But do you know what was just in your hands? And now your hands are on your-”

Jake pulled his hands away from his face, revealing a surprised look and then looking down accusingly at his hands. 

Kylie scoffed. “I don’t know what it is you’re worried about. You know if Amy has a toy like _that_ she also has a super specific cleaning schedule for it.” 

Unsurprisingly, this didn't make Jake feel better. But it wasn’t the idea of the… _toy_ … being dirty that was bothering him, it was the prospect of where it had been that was getting Jake uncomfortable (not! turned on! He was _not!_ turned on by accidentally finding the toy that Amy used to pleasure herself when she was alone in the bed where once upon a time Jake had seen her, covered in red lace and-)

“I bet she thinks about you when she uses it,” Charles mused quietly. 

_“Charles!”_ Everybody yelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O k a y 
> 
> This chapter had a lot of content and was all over the place and technically could've been broken up but I didn't want to so! 
> 
> I made up a Santiago brother? I guess?
> 
> Did you guys miss Charles? I did. 
> 
> Also thank you to Mack for the naming a dog after Charles & a girlfriend for the full Boyle explanation idea!! I loved that for us. 
> 
> Anyway a bunch of the stuff from this chapter will be referenced in later chapters I suppose. 
> 
> Let me know what u think, as always!!


	20. Let Me Hold You, Baby Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Take My Hand by the Cab 
> 
> (Thanks to Marissia for reminding me of my love for the Cab!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a whole text conversation in here and I haaaaate writing text conversations, so bear with me if it's the worst l m a o.

Jake awoke with a start. Again. He glanced at his phone for the time, but got distracted when he found a series of texts littering his screen. 

**Amy:** Ugh, I’m bored. Send me funny videos?

 **Amy:** My parents had to leave early, I guess my brother’s car broke down and they had to go help out. 

**Amy:** You know, it doesn’t really do any good that I can eat real food now when all the food here is disgusting. Could you even call this “real food”?

 **Amy:** I miss you. Wish you were here. 

Jake couldn’t ignore the happiness that spread over him. He felt warm and tingly inside, like somebody had just lit a candle in his chest and the warmth from the tiny flame was just barely making its way to his fingertips. Amy asked him for funny videos. She used to _hate_ the videos he would send her. 

And she missed him. She wished he was _there_. 

That was the end of that. He wasn’t sleeping. At least not at home, not in that bed. 

**Jake:** Sorry Ames. Fell asleep. Hold on

 **Jake:** Funny animal video coming at ya.

Jake got out of bed and worked to change into a presentable outfit. A presentable outfit being the first plaid button-up he found and the pair of jeans draped over his dresser, that he was _pretty sure_ were clean. He topped the look off with a plain, burgundy hoodie. Even though it was now almost August, the nights were still a little chilly. 

He heard his phone buzz on the table and moved way too quickly to see what Amy had said. 

**Amy:** Oh my god… Is that Snoop Dog narrating? 

**Jake:** Snoop Dogg*? Yes lol 

**Amy:** Do you really think you spell dog with two g’s?

 **Jake:** That’s his name, Ames. Snoop Dogg has two g’s. Charles’ dog Charleanor is spelled with one g

The little dots appeared like Amy was typing, but then they disappeared. She was probably googling to double check the spelling of Snoop Dogg. He laughed to himself. Jake waited a minute with no response before teasingly adding:

 **Jake:** Is Amy Santiago…. uncultured?

 **Amy:** I can’t believe you corrected my spelling… Also Charleanor?

She ignored the uncultured comment, he noted. She was probably rolling her eyes at him right now.

 **Amy:** Nevermind, I don’t want to know. 

**Jake:** Calm down, Santiago. I know I’m a hot teacher, but don’t get all turned on or anything

 **Amy:** Yeah, I’ll try to control myself, Jake. 

She sent three rolling eye emojis. Jake laughed again. 

He was trying to keep up the guise of having a normal text conversation with her while he got ready to leave the house. He jotted down a note to leave on the counter for his mother, so she wouldn’t be concerned when Jake was M.I.A. in the morning, then he made his way out to his car. 

**Jake:** I know it’s hard

 **Amy:** Title of your sex tape.

 **Jake:** You’re full of surprises

 **Jake:** Title of my sextape?

He checked the time on his car when he got in, finding that it was a little after midnight. He was going to have to stop texting her periodically while he drove, but he caught sight of the dots appearing and disappearing again, and waited for her next response before pulling away. 

**Amy:** That sounds like a terrible sex tape. 

**Jake:** Wow. WOW. 1st- if it’s so bad then why are you talking about it? 2nd- try not to get too jealous that I’M full of surprises and YOU’RE not

 **Amy:** *rolling eye emoji*

 **Amy:** Actually I think you said I was full of surprises and you were hard.

 **Amy:** Wait

 **Jake:** Actually I think YOU said I was hard

 **Amy:** WAIT

 **Amy:** Oh my god. Maybe I should go to sleep…

 **Jake:** Mhm. Have fun dreaming about me and my terrible sextape. *winking emoji*

 **Amy:** Oh my god……. 

He laughed and made his way to his first stop, where he returned to texting Amy while he waited. 

**Jake:** How are you feeling?

 **Amy:** *rolling eye emoji* Not turned on if that’s what you’re asking.

 **Jake:** ...I wasn’t, but thanks for letting me know. lol like how are you actually feeling?

**Amy: . . .**

**Amy:**

**Amy: . . .**

**Amy:**

**Amy:** Sorry, I thought you were teasing me again. 

**Jake:** I mean I can if that’s what you’re into

**Amy: . . .**

**Amy:** There he is. I’m okay. It’s cold in here. 

Jake was making his way back out into the night, his destination set on Amy. He checked his phone after his 25 minute drive. 

**Amy:** Did you fall asleep again?

 **Amy:** Goodnight, Jake. 

He smiled to himself as he collected some things and locked his car, making his way into the hospital. He hadn’t intended on running into any problems, but when he made it to Amy’s floor, there was a receptionist that he didn’t recognize there. 

“Hello,” the woman greeted him without a glance. 

“Hi,” Jake breathed happily. “Here to see Amy Santiago. Room 204, I’ll just head over there.” He was already walking toward her room.

“I’m sorry, but visiting hours are over. It’s after 1am.” 

Jake turned back toward the receptionist, frowning. “I’ve stayed here almost every night that she’s been here. I’m not visiting, I’m staying.” 

“Are you family?” 

“Yes?” Jake asked. He wasn’t sure where he was going with that lie, but he had already committed. 

“I saw some of her brothers, earlier. You don’t look like any of them.” 

Jake scoffed. “That’s because I’m _not_ her brother. Look, we’re almost family. We’re engaged.” 

The receptionist raised her eyebrows, looking bored. “Oh, congratulations. Where is the ring?” 

Jake looked down at his hands as if he were confused. A look of shock slowly appeared across his features. “Oh my god. Where _is_ my ring?! She’s going to be so upset.” 

“You’re obviously not engaged to her.”

Jake smiled. “I know, she’s way too good for me, right?” 

“Jake?”

Jake turned to see Nurse Nora. Thank god. “Nora!”

“Hey, Jake! I haven’t seen you much the past few days. You stopped staying here at night?”

Jake shot an annoyed glance at the receptionist before walking over to meet Nora part way, then walking alongside her to Amy’s room. 

“Yeah, now that Amy is actually awake, I figured she could use a little time away from me every now and then.”

“But not tonight?” 

He smiled, more to himself than to her, because no, not tonight. Tonight Amy Santiago _missed him_. She _wished he was here_. “Not tonight.” 

Nora smiled at him. “Well I just checked on her a little while ago, but we won’t be back around until morning.” She said this pointedly, which Jake caught onto. 

He raised an eyebrow as he watched her walk away. That was weird. “Thanks. See you later.” 

Finally, he stepped into Amy’s room, shutting the door behind him. She looked up from where she was seated, smiling at him. 

“Surprise!” He said proudly, extending his arms forward with a large bag of food and a drink carrier containing two cups. 

She opened her mouth in surprise and took in the entire scene before her. Jake, dishevelled bed-head, holding a bag and two cups from her favorite restaurant.

“You didn’t,” she gasped. 

Now he was taking her in. She was perched on top of her bed, legs folded with her hospital gown riding half way up her thigh. She had been bent forward, looking at her phone when he walked in. Her hair was smooth, she must have just had a chance to wash it. But the most important thing he noticed, was that there was no neck brace caging her beautiful neck. 

“Wow, I leave for one day and you get the brace off?” He looked incredulous, but he was smiling. 

Amy brushed the hair away from her neck and dragged her fingers across her skin slowly, closing her eyes as she leaned to give him a better view of her neck, her throat, her collarbone. She shrugged her shoulders and flashed him a sheepish grin. “Surprise?”

"At the x-ray this morning, they said that due to it being such a minor fracture, it healed earlier than they had anticipated, so I could take the neck brace off. Which also meant that I could take a real shower," Amy explained. Jake worked on plating the food on the paper plates he had the insight to bring with him from home. Potato pancakes, pierogies, and hot chocolate. Amy’s favorites from Amy’s favorite place: Krolewskie Jadlo.

“How did you know?” Amy asked. Secretly, she knew exactly how he knew, because she had seen the note he scrawled out on the bedside table in his room. He remembered, that’s how he knew. 

Jake shrugged. “I don’t know. You mentioned it once.” He plopped down on the bed next to her and took a bite of a pierogi. “Oh my god,” he spoke with food still in his mouth. “This is fucking _amazing_. Why haven’t I ever been here?” He finished the rest of the pierogi in one bite.

Amy laughed, then took a big bite of potato pancake, moaning like it was the best thing she had ever tasted. Jake shifted uncomfortably at the sound, but didn’t say anything. 

“God, it’s _so good, Jake_ ,” she moaned again, taking another bite. 

Jake stood up uncomfortably and shuffled to the other side of the room, where he left his hot chocolate. He made a point of sitting in the chair instead of next to Amy on the bed, this time. _Why did she have to say his name in that sentence?_

She looked at him, raising an eyebrow and setting down her food. “What’s wrong?” 

He pursed his lips and shook his head. “Uh- you know… Nothing.” 

Amy stared at him for a moment, thinking through the actions that happened immediately before. Then, realization hit her and her jaw dropped as she looked at him. He was blushing before she even said anything. 

“Oh my god, Jake! Are you- Are you _turned on_ right now?” She pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth as she tried to stifle her laughter. 

“What? No? I’m-” He shifted uncomfortably, moving his plate into his lap. She covered her mouth and laughed a little as she saw the specific placement of the plate. Jake groaned. “Okay, Amy. _You’re full of surprises and I’m hard_. Are you happy?”

Now Amy was blushing, too. “God, am I that attractive when I’m eating?” She was teasing, but Jake didn’t look like he was having that. 

“You’re _that_ attractive when you do anything. But more importantly, you _moaned_ my _name_ , Ames.” He shivered a little after he spoke, remembering the moment. 

She was smiling, now. “I’m sorry, Jake. I’ll try to keep my intense pleasure to a minimum. It's just that this is the first _real food_ I've had in a while, and it's _so_ good.” 

He shook his head. “No, by all means, pleasure away.” He blushed more at this, thinking back to the other day when he accidentally grabbed and turned on her vibrator, which he swore their friends to secrecy about, by the way. “I’ll just uh, stay over here.” 

“Awh, but I don’t _want you_ over there,” she whined, her voice still containing a bit of a teasing undertone that wasn’t helping Jake’s current problem at all. “Come get in bed with me, Jake,” and she was doing it again, looking at him from underneath her eyelashes, batting them at him and scooting over on the bed to make more room for him. “I _promise_ I’ll be good.” 

He swallowed thickly. This was the situation that he seemed to always find himself back in with Amy. Turned on, but trying to think with his dumb, horny brain because he knew right from wrong but the lines got a little blurrier every time they found themselves in this place again. But she was just so _enticing_ to him. And the nurse wouldn’t be back until morning... And her pain meds had now been drawn down to a minimum, so it’s not like she was under the influence… 

“I’ll just stay over here,” Jake repeated, smiling at Amy and taking another bite. 

She shrugged her shoulders. “Fine, suit yourself I guess.” They went back to eating, mostly silently while Jake thought about all the bad things in the world that could get Amy off of his mind in that way. When he had mostly succeeded, he began talking again. 

“So, Ames… Can we talk about… About _him?”_

Amy looked down at the bed and took a sip of her hot chocolate. “What about him?”

Jake shrugged. “I’m not sure. Just, how are you feeling? Are you- You seem different from before, maybe.” 

She shrugged, too. “Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up because you’re falling?” 

She was changing the subject. He didn’t want to go along with it, but he nodded his head. 

“That’s what it feels like. Like I’m constantly waking up from a falling dream. Like the panic-,” she stops and takes a deep breath. “Or when you’re walking and you accidentally miss the bottom step? The split second of painstaking fear that washes over your entire body, making your heart skip a beat? Except it doesn’t last a split second. It’s continual.” 

Jake drew his eyebrows together at this, frowning. He couldn’t even imagine. 

Amy sighed, now. “That’s what it was always like when he would come up. When I would see him. That night…” She trailed off, her eyes clouding with the memories that she was replaying in her head. 

“I’m so sorry, Ames.” Jake added quietly.

“It’s a little different now,” she was almost whispering. “I don’t know how to describe it. It’s almost like the worst thing has happened to me, so I don’t feel the same anxiety I felt about it before?” She leaned back on the bed. “It probably also helps that he’s in jail, right now.” 

He didn't say it, but it occurred to him that what happened to Amy wasn't actually the _worst_ possible scenario. Jake chewed the bite he was eating slowly before speaking. “I just want to keep him there.” 

Amy looked up at him sincerely. “I know. I do, too. And I don’t want you to be mad at me-”

“I could never be mad at you over this, Amy.” Jake shook his head and set his food down on the table. “Even if I don’t agree with your decision, the choice is yours to make. I want you to do what is best for you. I just happen to think that what is best for you is pressing charges.”

She nodded, but looked away. She was quiet for a moment, then turned back to look at him. “Can you come get in bed, now?”

He looked at her suspiciously for a moment, then melted when he saw her facial expression. But then the guilt was rising again in his chest. He shook his head. 

“Amy, no. I-,” he didn’t know what he was trying to say, exactly. “I’m sorry. I never apologized to you for real, Ames. You didn’t deserve what I did to you, what I said to you. I promised you I would be there for you, and then I left you there alone-”

“Are you blaming yourself for what _he_ did to me?”

Jake met her gaze nervously, which was warranted considering the way Amy looked absolutely angry at him over this. He didn’t say anything, just looked back at the ground. 

“Jake, this isn’t your fault. This is nobody’s fault but _his_. We got in a fight. So what? It happens. The fight we had has nothing to do with what happened.” 

Jake shook his head again. “No. That’s not true. Because if I didn’t act like that, I wouldn’t have left and you wouldn’t have been alone when he got there. I could have stopped it. Before you were hurt.”

“ _No_. You would have been gone anyway because I texted your mom before we even got into the fight. She was already on her way to get you.” Jake shook his head like he was remembering the facts incorrectly, trying to piece together the puzzle. 

“You didn’t even have your phone.”

“I texted her when I went to get the first-aid kit.” 

“I still broke a promise to you. I said I would be there to protect you.” 

“Well I forgive you for breaking your promise, Jake. It was partially my fault that you broke that promise in the first place.” 

“But what if I don’t forgive myself?” He looked vulnerable to her as he said this. He tried to look at her, but he just kept looking away. 

“Jake, come here. Please.” 

Reluctantly, he made his way over and leaned back on the bed with her. She nestled into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning her face on his chest. 

“You’re so warm,” she mumbled against him. 

“Here,” he shifted, unzipping his hoodie and working to pull it off of his arms. He wrapped it around her and zipped it up on her once she had her arms in. It was big on her and he smiled at the way his hoodie draped around her shoulders. 

She snuggled back into him and took a deep breath, his scent convincing her to snuggle in closer. He wrapped his arms around her as well and idly played with her hair. 

After a few minutes of sitting comfortably like that, Jake began talking again. “I don’t think I know how to forgive myself,” he said quietly. “I see it every time I close my eyes. You-”

She had pulled away from him and was looking at him, now. And as she leaned forward, he didn’t stop her. Because why would he? 

Her hands felt cold against his skin as they made their way under his shirt, eventually resurfacing to undo a button. Jake was hesitant, but once she started to kiss him, everything else faded away. He just wanted to melt into the kiss, to live there forever in the warmth and comfort that her lips were bringing. 

The IV wrapped around his wrist as he tightened his grip on her, pulling her partially into his lap. He didn’t know what had done it, but something inside him broke. She wanted him so badly, and he wanted her, too. He found himself kissing his way to her neck, softly biting at the sensitive skin that he had wanted to touch since she’d first shown it off to him when he got there. 

Her satisfied hum as his hands trailed up her back and into her hair is what finally got him thinking, again. The IV line touching him became more and more apparent until he just couldn’t take it anymore. He shifted Amy back off of his lap and pressed a few more soft kisses against her lips. 

“We’re in the hospital,” he reminded softly. “I think maybe we should just go to sleep.” He smiled at her, but he didn’t exactly feel like smiling. He still felt conflicted, Amy’s effort to distract him into forgetting that he hated himself for leaving her alone proving to only be a bandaid for a much larger problem. Jake found it funny that Amy was the smart, thoughtful one, but he always seemed to be the voice of reason when it came to them. 

She nodded and found her place back against him, snuggling back in comfortably. They fell asleep together, wrapped in each other’s arms, covered in hospital blankets and listening to Amy’s heart monitor steady as she relaxed into him. 

But a question arose in Jake's head as he fell asleep.

_What **was** that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A comeback from one of my favorite Jake Peralta looks: the burgundy hoodie. 
> 
> Also:::: I'm working my way up to having a chapter from Amy's perspective that is more introspective for her regarding her situation as a dv survivor, but that topic is kind of taking a lot out of me to plan and work on, so I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not giving Amy's situation enough attention here. I'm trying to do it and her justice while also being cautious about the way I phrase things and the research that I'm doing about all of it. But I will get there!!
> 
> Also::::::::: More on Jake and Amy kissing (reflecting on a specific aspect of all of the kisses they've shared) later in a few chapters. 
> 
> Also:::::::::::::::::: I love you all, thank you for being here with me.


	21. If You Seek Amy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mack basically begged me for this title. If You Seek Amy, by Britney Spears. 
> 
> aAAAaaaaAAaAaAaaAAaaaAAAAaaAAAAAaaAaAAaAahhhhh. Ames gets out of the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long bridgey-bridge chapter.

“Oh my god!” 

Jake opened his eyes, startled by the voice that just echoed into the otherwise quiet room. 

“Mom! Mom! Jake and Amy had _sex!”_

Any semblance of sleep that had remained in Jake’s eyes was immediately gone. His arms dropped off of Amy, who was still snuggled into his chest the way that they had fallen asleep the night before. 

Victor had been taking a drink of water when he walked in the room and began choking at Benji’s exclamation (or was it an accusation?), so Camila was pounding on his back and trying to help him catch his breath. 

Amy didn’t even move at all of the commotion. Her breath still fell softly against his collarbone every few seconds and she looked so _peaceful_. Then it occurred to Jake: this was the first time he had woken up since he fell asleep with Amy. He slept through the night. Granted, it had to have been like 2:30am by the time they fell asleep, but that was still like a consecutive six or seven hours, which was a consecutive four or five hours more than he had been used to getting lately. He didn’t remember having any nightmares and he didn’t wake up struggling to regulate his breathing. 

“What is going on here?” If Benji was accusing them, Victor was sentencing them. 

“Uh,” Jake mumbled, looking uncomfortably at Victor. “Ames?” He shook her shoulders gently, but she just stirred and snuggled further into his arms. He reflexively rubbed her back to comfort her, which Victor narrowed his eyes at. 

Camila began laughing. “Look around this room.” 

Everyone who was awake turned to look at Camila, then they all glanced around the room together. When nobody said anything, Camila gestured to the bags and cups from Krolewskie Jadlo. 

“That’s Amy’s favorite restaurant. And I can only guess that she didn’t ask you to get that for her, did she?” She paused for Jake to answer, and then accepted him biting his lip as the answer she was looking for. “Exactly. Potato pancakes and pierogies?” She paused again, scrutinizing Jake. 

“And hot chocolate,” he added meekly. 

“Exactly. Estas enamorado.”

Victor fumed and Jake cocked his head to the side, unsure about what she had just said. 

Benji snickered. “You’re in _love_ ,” he clarified. 

“And you’re just going to get deeper and deeper if you move in with her to help take care of her,” Victor added. “Are you under the impression that she reciprocates-”

Camila flashed an angry glance at Victor and elbowed him in the side. “It’s not our place, Victor,” she said in a low voice. “It’s Amy’s life.” 

“Well I just thought that since today’s the day that Amy gets to go home, we could try to talk some sense into these two again,” he grumbled. 

“They’re young and in love. They’ll figure it all out.”

Jake sighed exasperatedly at them talking about him and Amy like they weren’t there, when at least one of them was conscious. “We’re not,” Jake said, a little louder than he had been speaking before. 

“Mmm,” Amy hummed softly. “I’m not ready yet, quiet down.” 

Camila smiled and Benji laughed at the glance Jake shot Amy. 

“Hello, Ms. Santiago,” the receptionist from the night before walked into the room. She stopped when she saw Jake holding Amy on the bed. “Oh, so you two _are_ engaged. Congratulations.” 

“What?” All three of the fully awake Santiagos practically shouted, tearing Amy reluctantly from her sleep. Jake was blushing furiously. 

“I, uh-,” Amy shot a confused glance at him, which shut him up. 

“What’s going on?” She asked. 

“I was congratulating you on your engagement,” the nurse repeated with a (forced? Jake thought so.) smile. “I’m happy for you two. You’re a sweet couple.” 

Amy looked back at Jake. “Oh. Yeah, thank you,” she smiled at him, pressing her hand against his chest and turning back to the nurse to show off the biggest smile she’d ever expressed. Then she turned back around and leaned up, pressing a soft, chaste kiss onto the corner of Jake’s mouth. He froze, eyes locked on Victor who looked like he had just seen a jaguar walk into the hospital room, bewildered and caught off guard. 

She turned back to the receptionist and laid her head on her fiance's shoulder. “We’re so happy. What was it you needed?” 

The receptionist walked further into the room, extending her hand forward with some papers. “This is your exit paperwork. Once you fill everything out and we process it, you’ll be free to go. The doctors will be back around to talk to you, though.” 

Amy happily accepted the papers and began reading. “Thanks,” Jake gave a tight-lipped smile to the woman before directing his attention to the document that Amy was reading. 

Once the woman left, the room was abuzz with questions. Benji looked like he might explode from all of the drama surrounding him. He was all jokes when Jake and Amy were lying in bed together, but he had nothing to say now that he had watched them kiss. 

“What is happening?” Camila asked. “Did you just kiss him? And you didn’t look very surprised by that, Jake? You’ve kissed before?”

“Have you learned nothing?” Victor cut in, clearly angry. “Engaged?”

“Dad, we’re-”

“No. No, I don’t want to hear it right now. We- Mija,” his voice broke just slightly as he said this, “We’ve talked about this. We talked about it with Teddy. You were too young last year, and you’re too young, now.” 

Jake was ready to clarify that they weren’t actually engaged before somebody said something they would regret, but Amy was angered by her father’s last statement. 

“Jake _isn’t_ Teddy, okay? Jake is kind and thoughtful. Jake is funny. Jake _doesn’t_ like pilsners. Already a huge improvement, right?” She had a bit of a joking tone, now. 

“Those are the same kinds of things you said about Teddy when I said you should rethink your choices. I gave him my blessing to ask you, but I didn’t think you would say yes. And look where that got us?” Victor gestured around the room. “And I regret every day that I told him he could ask you to marry him because I saw what that did to you. I saw what he did to you just a few short months later, and I still see the effects of that today. And I don’t just mean that you’re in the hospital again.”

“Victor,” Camila was taking his hand now, appearing to be trying to comfort her husband. He pulled his hand away from her, which immediately threw Jake back into the memory of sitting in the car with Amy on the way home from Sophia’s funeral. He pulled his arm away the same way, brushing her off. Watching someone else do it made him feel guilty, warranted or not. 

“Dad, you don’t get to decide these things for me. Whether I’m engaged to someone or not is _my_ choice. It isn’t your decision or your fault that I was engaged to Teddy. And it won’t be your decision next time, either. It’s not 1936, Dad.” She now moved to get off of Jake, standing on the side of her bed and grabbing the stand that her I.V. was still hooked to. “I’m going for a walk. Don’t follow me.” 

With that, she walked out of the room slowly, but wordlessly. She had been practicing her walking throughout the past week or so. Her legs were much more accustomed to walking than they were when she first woke up, but she still had her moments where she struggled. Jake had walked around the hospital with her probably a hundred times, gently reminding her not to overexert herself and to take breaks when necessary. But of course Amy Santiago wasn’t going to take it easy. She was always pushing herself the absolute hardest that she could. That’s exactly why Jake wanted nothing more than to follow her out the door. That and the fact that Victor’s eyes were now glued to Jake. 

“You’re not good enough for my Amy,” Victor stated matter-of-factly.

Jake laughed. “You think I don’t know that? Besides, we’re not engaged.”

“What do you mean you’re not engaged? Amy just said… And she kissed you?” Camila asked now. Benji was sitting on a chair, snapping his head back and forth to whoever was speaking at the moment. He would have greatly benefitted from some popcorn. 

Jake scoffed. “Yeah, when I got here last night that new receptionist was here,” he put his hands up, offering an attitude regarding the receptionist, “and she wouldn’t let me in to see Amy. But you know, I had food for her, and also I’ve stayed here almost every night so when she asked if I was family, I said yes. And when she said I didn’t look like any of the Santiago brothers she had seen earlier in the day, I panicked and told her that’s because we’re almost family because we’re engaged, which of course she didn’t believe because as you already said, why would Amy be with me? She’s way too good for me.” Jake didn’t have an attitude when he said this, he said it plainly like it was just the simple truth. In fact, he said it in a very similar fashion to the way Victor had just said it. Camila scoffed and elbowed her husband again, but Jake didn’t notice. “Then Nora saw me and rescued me from the situation and let me come in here.” He shrugged as he finished the story. 

“So you told Amy about all of that and that’s why she kissed you?” Benji asked, sounding disappointed. 

“Actually, no. I hadn’t told Amy about any of it. And I was surprised when she kissed me. But anyway, the point of the story is that we’re not engaged, though I do support Amy in deciding who she wants to be with because it’s 2019 and we’re all feminists here, right?” 

Benji raised his fist in solidarity. “Feminism!” 

Camila laughed before excusing herself from the room, leaving a slightly softer Victor with Jake. The men mostly sat quietly in the room, though Victor did interject a few times to give Jake notes about things he needed to know about Amy, her medical plan, and just in general in order to help her over the next few weeks. Some of these things, especially the things specifically about Amy, Jake already knew, but he just listened quietly as Victor helped him. 

\--

“Amy, mija, slow down.” Camila was jogging to catch up to where Amy was angrily pacing down the hallway, still using the I.V. stand for support. 

“No. What is this, he thinks he can just tell me what to do? And what, he thinks he’s so much better because he ‘saw what Teddy was doing to me?’ He didn’t see what Teddy was doing to me when he gave his stupid blessing, did he? But now he gets to act like he’s above everyone else and he gets to make all of my romantic decisions for the rest of my life because Teddy was- Teddy was-,” Amy had stopped walking and was crying, leaning her forehead on the cold metal of the pole she was gripping. 

Camila pulled her daughter into a half-hug, as much as she could manage with Amy leaning forward the way she was. She rubbed her back comfortingly. “I know, mija. I know. He’s not trying to say that. He’s trying to protect you, baby. He’s your father and he will always want to protect you. And he will never forgive himself for not being there to protect you with Teddy.”

Amy laughed a little through her tears. “He sounds just like Jake.” 

Camila laughed, too. “Yeah, they say you marry your father.” 

Amy laughed again, but looked seriously at her mother. “You know we’re not really engaged, right?”

“Yeah, Jake told us what happened. But you know what else I know?” She waited for Amy to answer, but she just looked expectantly toward her mother. “You like him.” 

Amy laughed again and shook her head. “I do not. He’s just a really good friend.” 

“Mhm,” Camila agreed. “That blush on your cheeks isn’t proving your point. You both like each other. I don’t know why you won’t just let yourselves have that.” 

Amy shook her head. “We don’t.”

Camila raised her eyebrows. “Whatever you say. But I see you when you’re together. And I know you. You never looked at Teddy the way you look at him, mi amor. I promise you that.”

Amy shook her head again and quickly moved to change the subject, wiping a stray tear off of her cheek. “I’m just ready to get the paperwork finished and get this I.V. out of my arm so I can go home.” 

“Okay,” Camila began guiding Amy back toward her room. “Let’s go fill out that paperwork, then.” 

When they walked back into the room, Amy felt as if the entire atmosphere had changed. Jake was sitting next to her father, looking at something that he was showing him on his phone. When they heard the wheels of the I.V. stand on the floor, they both looked up from what they were doing. 

“You okay?” Jake asked immediately.

Amy smiled and nodded. “I’m fine. Excited to go home.” Jake smiled back. 

“I’m sorry, mija.” Victor said quietly. “You’re right. Jake and I had a talk about feminism.” He shot a glance at Jake, who smiled goofily. “If you want to marry Jake, you go right ahead.” 

Amy laughed at Jake’s face, which showed that clearly that was not the content that their conversation consisted of. 

“Well, I’m still waiting for him to ask me,” Amy joked, flashing a smile at Jake. He reciprocated easily. She tried to think about how she was looking at Jake. Did she really look at him differently? She didn’t think so. And she had never exactly noticed how he looked at her. Did he look at other people that way?

\--

She was in the car now, holding her stomach from laughing so hard. It was late afternoon by now. It had taken hours to get all of the paperwork processed and then even after that, she had to wait longer for her doctor to come around and discuss follow-up appointments and her short bout of physical therapy. 

Jake had just helped her into the car after pushing her to the parking lot at record speed in the hospital-required wheelchair. The nurse accompanying them followed behind yelling, “Wait, that’s not-” before giving up and just running behind them. Amy laughed the entire way. 

When they got to his car, he helped her out of the chair with a big, goofy smile plastered on his face. The nurse shot him an annoyed glance. “That’s not how you do that. That could’ve been dangerous.” 

Jake’s smile clearly faltered as he looked at the nurse. Amy watched him closely, his eyes, his expression. “Well, that’s how we do it. Peraltiago stylez.”

“Peraltiago?” Amy questioned. He turned back to look at her, and sure enough, his expression lit up, adoration in his eyes. 

“Yeah, Ames. Peralta and Santiago. Peraltiago stylez.” He laughed like that had been obvious, and she found herself laughing, too. 

They were now on the way home, Jake singing the most ridiculous songs he could find on the radio loud and off-key. She couldn’t stop laughing, especially when he would change the lyrics to something weird or stupid. 

“Oh shit, Ames, it’s your song!” He yelled. She didn’t recognize the song that was playing, so she turned her head to the side and raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Hold on, wait for it.” He nodded animatedly as he said it, then redirected his eyes back to the road. 

It started out with, “Oh baby, baby have you seen Amy tonight?” 

“Oh, I get it,” she interrupted the song. “It’s my song because it has my name?”

Jake nodded, wiggling his eyebrows at her. “Listen.” 

“Tell me have you seen her, cause I’m just so- I can’t get her off my brain,” Amy listened to the lyrics, wondering if there was any more Jake had meant by this when he called it “her song.” 

“Is this Britney Spears?” She questioned. 

“Shhh, Ames. Listen.” She rolled her eyes, but obliged him. 

“All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.” 

Amy scrunched up her face, turning to look at Jake and waiting for his permission to make a comment about the song. His smile was a little too mischievous for her liking, and she analyzed him for a moment before speaking. 

“That doesn’t even make sense. Begging to if you seek Amy?” 

Jake laughed at this, but didn’t say anything. 

“Jake, if you seek Amy?”

“Woah, Santiago. That was forward.” He was laughing again, even harder than before, but she still hadn’t caught on. What was so funny about that? Did that mean something? 

The chorus was back on and she listened carefully, trying to catch on to whatever the joke was, but she couldn’t figure it out. 

“What is if you seek Amy?” She finally asked. 

“God, Amy, you’re so innocent.” He said it like it was an insult, but he was still smiling at her. “Say it slower.”

“If. You. Seek. Amy.” She paused, then said it faster. “Ifyouseekamy.”

Jake was choking on his laughter. “Stop, Ames, I’m gonna have to pull over. You’re too much.” 

“What does it mean?!” She clicked off the radio now, so the only sound filling the car was Jake’s laughter. He had to be laughing more than this called for, right? It couldn’t be that funny and she didn’t even understand it, could it? 

Jake took a moment to compose himself, but he still giggled more as he began to answer her. “If you seek Amy.” He laughed again. “It’s like letters. If is F. You, is obviously U. Seek is where you get the C from, and then-”

“Amy?” She questioned, still confused. “If you seek Amy.” She paused, opening her mouth in realization. “If you seek Amy. F U C K me. Fuck me?” 

Jake was now hysterical again, which finally brought laughter out of Amy, too. Once their laughter died down a little, he smiled at her. “God, you’re so cute.” 

She could feel herself blushing. Once again, she thought about what her mother had said to her about them liking one another. But they didn’t… right? Then another thought occurred to her. “Wait… If you said that’s my song, and that song is basically called ‘Fuck me…’ Is that you telling me to fuck you or is that you saying that I’m telling other people to fuck me?” 

Jake pursed his lips at this and turned to give her a serious look. “Actually, I’m not sure. I really was only saying it was your song because of your name, the joke was just an added bonus.” 

Amy looked at him suspiciously. “Mhm… I think you want me to fuck you.” 

She watched out of the corner of her eye as his fists tightened on the steering wheel. He didn’t say anything. She laughed. “What, no jokes or anything? I totally thought a ‘title of your sex tape’ was coming. You’re distracted? That’s how bad you want me to fuck you?” 

He glanced at her cautiously. “I mean, I wouldn’t say no.” 

She tensed at this. The joke had gotten very real, very quickly. The more she thought about it, the more she knew that yes, obviously he wanted to fuck her. He’d made jokes specifically about this. He called her some variation of beautiful or sexy whenever he could find an appropriate opportunity. She’d literally tried to fuck him, and though he was kind and sweet and perfect through all of that, he still physically wanted her, she knew. He was a 21 year old man and he never tried to hide that he found her attractive. Of course he wanted her to fuck him. 

But hearing him say it still made her blush, still gave her butterflies in her stomach (and other, less mentionable places). It still made her bite her lip and turn away from him to hide her expression, to conceal the fact that she secretly (was it a secret? She wasn’t sure anymore.) wanted him to want her. 

He cleared his throat. “So, what do you wanna do for dinner tonight? Take out? Want me to cook for you? I make a mean ramen noodle.” He joked. 

She looked back at him again. “Whatever you want to do is fine. I’m just happy I’ll be at home.” 

“I’m happy you’ll be at home, too.” 

Jake turned the radio back on quietly and they both just listened in silence the rest of the way home. When they pulled up outside of her new apartment, Jake pointed to it. 

“It’s up on top, again. They didn’t have any floor units available. I figured the ground unit would be easier for you, considering…” He gestured to her legs. 

“I’ll be fine,” she said it with confidence, but she was gauging the stairs with her eyes. There were a lot of them. One landing with 10 stairs, then it turned and there were fifteen stairs up to her door. 

He must have seen the resistance in her look, judging by how he was looking at her. He got out of the car without a word and came to open her door. Then, without allowing her a moment to oppose, he scooped her up into his arms. 

“Jake, you don’t have to,” she started to argue, but he was already making his way up the steps. 

“I want to,” he responded softly. “I’m here to help. But you have to let me. You have to tell me, you know."

She nodded against him, and soon they were at the top of the landing. He kept her in his arms as he rummaged through his pocket for the house key, balancing her comfortably in one arm. When he found it, he unlocked the door and walked inside. They were just inside the threshold when he set her on her feet, holding his breath as she looked all around the room. This unit had the same set-up as her old one. Her same furniture filled the rooms. The same decor. 

She slowly made her way across the room, touching the wall in the place that would've been where her blood had formed a stain, if they were in her old apartment. She shivered at the memory, turning away quickly. Jake had seen the room. He knew exactly what she was doing, unbeknownst to her. She then turned to the kitchen, traipsing in slowly and dragging her fingers across the edge of the counter. He watched as she sank slowly onto the floor, sitting in the center of the room with her legs crossed. 

He watched her for a moment before decidedly coming over and joining her on the floor, pulling her close to his chest as he did so. "You okay?" 

Her voice was weak as she spoke. "I will be. It's just a lot." She took a deep breath. 

He nodded, still keeping her close to him. 

"Okay," she said softly after a few moments. "I think I'm ready to go to my room." 

Jake nodded and pushed himself up off the floor, extending his hand to help her up, too. "I'll figure out dinner." 

She was happy that he was there. Especially happy that she didn't have to be alone through this moment. She walked off to her bedroom and opened the door to a surprise. Balloons littered the room, some at the ceiling and some at the floor. A large banner hung over her bed that said, "Welcome Home Amy." It was done very well, and couldn't imagine that Jake had made it. As she inspected the banner, she saw that Jake, Kylie, Gina, and Charles had all signed the bottom. She smiled as she looked around the room, kicking at some of the balloons on the floor. She had good friends. 

She was ready to take a real shower, one that didn't include the soap that the hospital allowed her to use. She made her way back out to the kitchen, where she found Jake preparing food. She took the scene in cautiously. Surely he didn't know how to cook. When did he even get groceries? Probably the day before, when he hadn't been able to come to the hospital to see her because he was busy preparing things for her. 

"Hey," she said. "Can you help me wrap my cast in a bag? I have to keep it dry while I shower." 

He nodded and turned away from what he was doing with a sheepish grin. He pulled the bags out from under the kitchen counter and helped her to wrap it carefully, making sure that no water could get in. 

As soon as he was finished, Amy smirked at him. 

"Okay, if you seek Amy, I'll be in the shower." 

He looked taken aback, and she giggled at the blush tinting his cheeks. 

"Now _that's_ a title of your sex tape." He laughed along with her as he she made her way to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you seek amy makes me laugh and I did not use it the way Mack requested, which makes me laugh even more. 
> 
> ily all hope you enjoyed.


	22. Dialed Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW times ahead, this is the intro to smut city. Population, you. 
> 
> Jake and Amy living together. How do you suppose that's going? 
> 
>  
> 
> Title (once again!) from the Cab, lyrics from the song Bounce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _So filthy, dialed desire, swallowed pride then spit out fire, liars turn me onnnnn._
> 
> Hmmmm.

“Fuck,” Amy gasped.

Jake laughed against her skin. He was on top of her, running his hands against every inch of her exposed skin. He was kissing her chest, flicking his tongue delicately across her nipple before biting with just enough pressure to cause her to groan quietly and arch closer to him. 

His laugh was low, just like his voice. God, she wanted him. “Mmm, you like that?” 

She pulled his head back down in response and he happily complied, moving his kisses further down her torso. He took special care to give extra attention to the shallow dip near her hip bone before gently tugging her underwear down and off. Finally, he was so close. She looked down longingly at the mess of curls that was now moving torturously slow, kissing the inside of both of her thighs. He rubbed his hands around her hips and onto her lower back, pulling her slightly closer before pressing his tongue just next to where she needed him. 

“Ames?” She didn’t look down at him, instead waiting for him to catch on and continue. 

“Ames?”

Amy opened her eyes. Jake was standing in front of her, an eyebrow raised. 

“Ames, you gonna get up? We’re gonna be late for your appointment.” 

“ _Fuck_ ,” she gasped again. This time, there was a rosy blush burning her cheeks as she thought about the scene she had been imagining right before he so rudely interrupted her. The real reason she had to say ‘fuck’. 

Living with Jake the past two weeks had been… a lot. She was so grateful he was staying with her, of course. Most of the time they had a lot of fun together. Some of the time, they argued. Mostly over stupid things, like whether cold pizza was an acceptable breakfast food. More rarely, they argued about the way Jake was treating her. 

_“God, Jake. I’m not a fucking snowglobe. I’m not gonna fall apart if you bump into me in the hallway. You don’t have to hold your breath when I walk past you. Believe it or not, I’m still the same capable person that I was before all this happened.”_

_“I know,” he would say softly. Every time, he would respond that way. “I know you are. It’s not that. I just don’t want to… I don’t know.”_

_“No, you don’t want to what? Hurt me? You won’t. You don’t even joke around with me like you used to, Jake. I asked you to do this because I thought you’d still be my friend above everything else, but if you’re walking around here like I’m gonna shatter at any moment?”_

_Jake watched her as she ranted. He always let her get it all out before he tried to dispel her fears._

_“I haven’t been trying to treat you differently, Ames. I’ll try harder to be normal, if I’m not. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable, you know.”_

_“If you made me uncomfortable, I wouldn’t have asked you to come here. And I won’t hesitate to tell you when you do something that makes me uncomfortable. You have to trust me with that.”_

_He nodded his head. “I know. I will. I’m sorry.”_

_She sighed, pressing her forehead into her palm. “No, I’m sorry. You’re just trying to make this all as easy for me as you can and I’m just making that harder for you.”_

_“You’re what matters here, Ames. Only you.”_

And then a few days later, they would have the same conversation again, just a little different. She wondered one night as she was falling asleep if perhaps it was all in her head. Maybe he wasn’t treating her differently. Maybe she was just extra sensitive about how he was treating her because she expected him to treat her differently. 

But then the next day, when she barely tripped and he gasped and attempted to catch her in the most ridiculous way, she found herself irritated again. She could fall down. People fall down all the time. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if she tripped in her kitchen. She wouldn’t die. She wouldn’t develop some abrupt bout of PTSD (she didn’t _think_ , at least). Then the conversation repeated itself. 

Jake was still standing in her bedroom, waiting for her to respond. All she had said was “fuck,” which she only just realized now, as she was still sitting up in bed, her eyes raking over Jake’s body. He was wrapped in a towel, beads of water still rolling freely down his chest. He was keeping his promise from the last time they had their consistent conversation about him treating her the same as he used to. 

“Hmm, can I help you with something?” He teased, toying with the edge of his towel and wiggling his eyebrows at her. He made sure to keep one hand firmly on the towel so that it didn’t accidentally fall. He was only teasing. Unfortunately. 

This had been the most difficult part of living with Jake. All the moments when he was so fucking _attractive_ and he wasn’t even trying. At least, she didn’t think he was trying. It didn’t seem like he was trying. When he stretched and his shirt raised up, revealing the little line of hair that she wanted to follow, only out of _curiosity, not_ out of desire. The sleepy look he got when they were staying up too late, still trying to settle the argument about what the best cop movie was. The way he leaned back into the couch, leaving a perfect space for her to snuggle into, though she wouldn’t _dare_ crawl over to that space uninvited. 

But it was the dreams that really set her over the edge. She dreamed about him almost every night. First, the dreams were innocent enough. She would dream about things similar to old memories they had. An old study date, grabbing coffee together, stuff like that. But then things became a little more… heated. The first time, it was just a kiss. Maybe a little bit of touching. She woke up confused. Of course she noticed that she found Jake attractive, and yeah, she found him to be a _little_ distracting sometimes, but she didn’t think he was distracting enough that he was going to start showing up in her dreams. 

From that first inappropriate dream, almost a week ago, things just got more and more heated. The touching went from above clothes, to beneath them. Then to removing the clothes completely. Kisses placed against lips were soon dragged to other places, meeting fingers where they had been dreamily pressing themselves already for two days. It was last night’s dream, the one before the one that Jake had just interrupted, (because apparently she had upgraded to having _more than one_ sex dream about Jake each night) that really caught her attention.

 _He came into her room, desire in his eyes. She had been acting innocent, like she hadn’t just teased him on the couch, pressing way too close to him and grinding closer when she felt him react. Then she got up and left him there, trailing slowly into her bedroom and making sure to shoot him a knowing, seductive glance._

_He met her in the room, pulling her against him immediately and kissing her deeply, tangling her hair around his fingers as he did. He made his way to the bed quickly, like he couldn’t wait to be with her. He wanted her so badly, and she loved it. It wasn’t long before she was situated in his lap and he had pulled her top off, now working his fingers against her breasts and relishing in the soft sounds she made in response to his touch._

_Then he gripped onto her hips, roughly moving her off of him and back against the bed. He was on top of her now, kissing her neck, then back down her chest, her ribs, her hips, until he was at the line of her shorts. He tugged them down with his teeth before shifting them into his hands, kissing down her legs as he pulled them off. Finally, he had one layer between them. He kissed her thighs, waiting for permission to do what he so badly wanted._

_“Jake,” she almost whined. She wanted him, needed him to touch her. His hands slowly trailed back up her thighs, fingers curling around the fabric that she thought he was going to pull down. Instead, he tore into them, the sensation of lace ripping against her sensitive skin becoming enough to buck her hips forward, where he met her body fervently with his tongue._

She wanted him so bad that her dreams were rapidly increasing in intensity, images of the two of them playing out that she didn’t even know she wanted. And now it was becoming a problem in her daily life. Not only were these thoughts invading her dreams, but they were occurring to her throughout the day, too. She was thinking about him. When he was seated a certain way, it occurred to her that that would be the perfect position for her to straddle his hips, to finally chase a release with him. When she would see him licking his lips, she would get the urge to join him there. And they had kissed before, so she actually knew what that felt like, which somehow made her want it even more. 

“Seriously. You coming?” He finally asked, leaning against the door frame now. 

“No,” she huffed quietly.

“What?”

“I said yes,” she sighed defeatedly, finally pulling herself out of bed. The attention that he awarded her legs as she climbed out of bed did not escape her, though. He stalked away, pulling the bedroom door shut behind him so that she could get dressed in privacy. 

A few minutes later she emerged, wearing her favorite jeans and an old NYU t-shirt. She had definitely noticed, since her mother had pointed it out, that Jake did look at her differently. He was looking at her differently at this exact moment, actually. His eyes traced over her features slowly, taking every part of her in. He tried to do it in shifts, so that she didn’t notice, but he seemed to get worse at pacing himself each day. He never failed to light up when she spoke, even more so when she laughed. But to be honest, a lot of the time Amy didn’t even notice this, because she was busy doing the same thing when he was around. Did he notice? 

“God, I never thought I’d be waiting around for you to get ready. Couldn’t tear yourself away from your dreams, Santiago? You have that dream about the giant stack of paperwork again?” 

She was blushing, and god, she hoped he didn’t notice. If he did notice, he didn’t say anything about it. 

“You ready to go?”

She simply nodded, not finding it within herself to say anything. She didn’t want her voice to give her away, to let him know what had been on her mind all the time lately. She decided it was safe to speak once they were situated in the car, a comfortable distance apart, and he was too distracted by the road to overanalyze her voice. 

“So, how has class been?” Amy, much to her disdain, had to withdraw from her classes. She would have been perfectly fine with (and capable of, thank you very much) completing the rest of her work from home, but her attendance had suffered so much due to her lengthy hospital stay that they would not allow her to remain registered in the class. She was living vicariously through Jake, who was still attending class. 

“Uh… It’s fine. Ya’know. Same old, same old. Dennis found a new girl to talk to,” he commented lightly, seeming distracted. 

“You mean Brandon?" She laughed. "So what have you all been learning?”

Jake paused. For a second, she thought maybe he didn’t hear her. She was about to repeat herself when he finally spoke. “You know, uh… typical stuff. Like… The War of 1812.” 

Amy cocked her head to the side and waited for him to look at her. When he did, quite apprehensively, she raised her eyebrows. “You’re learning about the War of 1812 in Sociology 305?” 

“Uh- Uhm, yeah. Yeah, you know.” He sure seemed to be saying ‘you know,’ a lot… “We’ve been learning about the social- uh, sociology implications of the War of 1812, on, you know, the year of 1812. Basically.” 

“Mhm,” she trailed off, clearly not buying his words. “And what exactly are those social implications?” 

“The… The, uh. Social conflict caused a cultural divide… Because of the dehumanization of groups of people involved…” 

Amy raised an eyebrow at him, now. He didn’t seem to have the information completely down, but he had some of the terms. He must just be having trouble paying attention in class. “Maybe we should start studying together, again.” 

He smiled at her, now. “That sounds perfect to me, Ames.” 

Her heart fluttered at the way he smiled at her. She didn’t mind the idea of spending time with him the way that they used to. She especially didn’t mind the idea of submerging herself in academic work, something that she had been greatly deprived of as of late. Maybe that’s why Jake had been on her mind so much, lately. She hadn’t had homework or reading to focus on, so her brain had so much extra space to fill with other things. Other attractive, funny, sweet, hot-

“We’re here,” he proclaimed quietly, the car lurching to a stop in the parking lot. “You excited?” 

She smiled, now. “Of course. You know I can’t wait to get this stupid cast off.” 

They walked into the hospital together, joining hands as they walked through the door. This was something they had taken to. Every time they went into the hospital, he grabbed her hand, rubbing comforting little circles on her knuckles. The one time that he didn’t make this move, she grabbed his hand. She needed that comfort. She needed comfort walking into the hospital more than she did in any other place, so far. 

When they stepped inside, the same receptionist from her hospital stay greeted them. 

“Hello! Glad to see the two of you still together!” She glanced at their hands, which were still interlocked. 

Something about the hospital made Jake gravitate toward Amy even more than normal. He was touching her almost protectively. Once they completed her paperwork and were sat in the waiting room, he laced his hand behind her back and held her hip. This didn’t actually feel weird to Amy, but she knew that logically, it was strange. They weren’t actually together, after all. There was no real reason for Jake to be so touchy with her, especially in public. But she definitely wasn’t complaining. She liked the attention, liked the feeling of his hand resting comfortably on the curve of her hip, leaving momentarily every now and then to trace the small of her back. She had to fight away a shiver each time he did it. 

“Amy Santiago,” a nurse called. She turned to look at Jake, who smiled reassuringly to her. He let go of her hip and squeezed her hand. 

“You’re gonna do great. Go kick that cast’s ass, Santiago.” 

She smiled as she walked away from him. Even though she knew there was nothing to actually be so nervous about, she had been fighting the sick feeling that her nerves gave her from the time that she stepped out of the car. His words calmed her almost immediately. He grounded her, reminded her of who she was, somehow. 

\--

She daydreamed as she waited for the doctor to come to her room. Well, reflected, was probably more accurate. Her daydreams were actually just things that had happened recently that she was just thinking about while she waited. 

_“Come over here, let me show you,” she could hear the laugh in his voice as he teased her._

_“No. I don’t even want to do this, this is so dumb. This would be dumb enough if I had two hands, but I only have one.”_

_“God, Amy. You lose a hand and you act like you can’t do **anything**.” This time, he was laughing. Then, she could feel his breath on her neck as he stepped up behind her. He snaked his arms around her waist, reaching onto the counter in front of her and taking the rice in his hands. She leaned back against him slightly, just enough that she could feel the warmth from his body radiating against her._

_“Like this,” he said as he rolled the sticky rice out. “That’s what the directions say, at least. I’m just following the directions. I really thought this would be your time to shine.”_

_He was right. And maybe it would have been, if she had been by herself. But she was with him, his arms around her as he shaped the rice in his fingers. He added some of the grilled chicken to the rice, then topped it off with red pepper before rolling it into a roll. Well, what should’ve been a roll. He was making some recipe that he had found on Pinterest. Chicken fajita sushi._

_“Awh, come on,” he complained. The one I rolled over there came out perfect.” She turned to the side to see his face at an angle. He was pouting. She wanted to kiss the look right off of him. She was at the perfect proximity to do so, but they had since had another ‘talk’ about this since they moved in together._

_“I’m not saying I don’t want you to kiss me, Ames. I’m just saying some moments are much more appropriate than others, and so far you’ve only kissed me during the inappropriate moments. And since we’re keeping this relationship totes profesh--your call, by the way--all of the moments are inappropriate, don’t you think?”_

_So now she suppressed the urge to kiss him even more than she did before. There was no way that she was going to turn around and kiss him, sticky rice on both of their hands. Even though it didn’t seem ‘totes profesh’ for him to be so close to her, guiding her free hand around the shape of a sushi roll…_

“Ms. Santiago?” Her doctor greeted her, smiling. “Ready to get that cast off?” 

\--

Jake was rushing home. He was going to be late to class if they didn’t make it home, soon. They had to wait for the doctor longer than they had originally anticipated, which meant that instead of an additional 45 minutes to get to class, Jake only had 15. 

“God, I’m definitely gonna be late,” Jake grumbled. 

Amy laughed. “Since when do you care about being late, anyway?”

He caught himself, turning to eye Amy suspiciously. “I’ve always cared, I just didn’t care enough to change my actions. Jeez, Amy. You’ve changed me, sue me.” 

She smirked at this thought, but when they were outside the apartment, Jake hurriedly scooped Amy out of the car and ran her up the steps. She had been making the walk by herself just fine, so she’s not sure why he did it. Perhaps he just wanted to make sure that she was safe inside before he pulled away. But none of that is important. What’s important, is that when he set her down inside the door, he pulled her in for a hug. A tight hug, where he let his hands trail up her back to pull her closer into him. And then his hushed voice fell against her ear, and she couldn’t tell if he was actually speaking lower or if she was just hearing his voice lower because she was intoxicated by his closeness, by his hands on her back, by his smell. 

“Be good, Ames,” he reminded. Another thing he had taken to saying to her because the first time that he left her alone, she immediately broke the most important rule the doctor had given her (not to overexert herself, a rule that Jake had also been constantly bothering her about), then had to call Jake back to the house to help her get back up the stairs that she swore she wouldn’t go down in the first place. And normally ‘be good, Ames,’ was just a comment he made before he left, which she rolled her eyes at (especially now that she was perfectly capable of going up and down the stairs on her own), but this time, practically whispered in her ear, his voice sounding just the slightest bit suggestive, had her thinking of all the ways she didn’t _want_ to be good. 

Then as soon as he had said the words, he was back out the door, leaving Amy alone with herself, with those perfectly not good thoughts. But in the spirit of being appropriate, in the spirit of being _totes profesh_ , there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn’t go _touch herself_ when she was thinking about _him_. No matter how badly she wanted to. 

So instead, she opted for a cold shower. Surely that would get him out of her head. But when she stripped down, waiting for the water to at least warm a little before climbing in, she found herself more and more drawn to the idea of breaking just this one little rule. Besides, it’s not like this was a rule set by a doctor, right? This was her own rule. She could break her own rule… Jake even said “totes profesh--your call, by the way…” He wouldn’t mind. And she had two hands now, so like… the perfect time to get reacquainted with herself, right? 

Wrong. This was so _wrong_. She wasn’t really about to get in the shower and make herself come to thoughts about Jake, was she? Her friend, who by the way, had been nothing short of fantastic these past few weeks. Her friend, who whispered suggestively in her ear specifically to be good right before he left her there. That wasn’t good. She wasn’t about to be good. 

So she cranked the cold water up and stood underneath the stream, yelping slightly as she ran out from under the water, trying unsuccessfully to keep herself submerged for a few moments. She wanted to wash the thoughts away. She needed to. 

But as she got out, toweling herself off, she found that the thoughts were strong as ever. Jake’s presence in her mind was persistent, and as hard as she tried to push him away, he fought even harder to continue being the only thing on her mind. 

Laundry. She was thrilled because she thought she had finally solved the puzzle. Laundry was the most boring, mundane task she could think of. She knew there was a basket of laundry that Jake had been sifting through instead of folding, so she carried the basket into her room and began sorting through the laundry. She was actually a little surprised that he knew how to do his own laundry when he moved in. But, as she saw him do it, she realized that ‘Jake knows how to do his own laundry,’ was really just a loose term for ‘Jake knows, in theory, how a washing machine works.’ He didn’t sort the laundry, he didn’t measure out the soap, he definitely didn’t fold it when he was done. So some of his white shirts were tinted pink from the red bleeding out of his other clothes. Some socks tinted blue-gray from too many washes with dark blue or black jeans. 

This. This was it. This is what would cure her of her irrational desire to fuck Jake Peralta. His childish refusal to sort his laundry. Was he too lazy to sort them? Did he not care if his white clothing was pink, gray, or faded blue? Did he just want to drive her crazy? (Well, if that was the case, news flash, Jake: you’re driving me crazy in ways you couldn’t even imagine, so you can fold your laundry!!)

She was about half way done with folding the basket of laundry when she realized that no, even this level of ridiculousness had not toned down the desire that was building within her. One last thought occurred to her: if she simply gives in, maybe this will all be over. Maybe if she gives in and does it once, _just once_ , she won’t be woken up from dreams of Jake tearing her underwear off of her body. She won’t be thinking about how she’d like to fuck him in the backseat of his car while they’re on their way to the doctor. She won’t be ready to get on her knees at the sound of him telling her, probably innocently enough, to be good. 

So, she decided. She tugged off the tie keeping her robe on her body. Really, if she had been fighting this harder, she would have put real clothes on, but she didn’t. Maybe she wasn’t ever _really_ trying to fight this so much as she was just trying to keep a clear conscience. She situated herself comfortably on her pillows with her robe beneath her and reached for her drawer. She quickly found exactly what she was looking for, sighing when the familiar buzz of her vibrator filled the room. 

She closed her eyes and let the images play out beneath her eyelids. All the dreams she had had about him, all the memories of them almost being together, just thoughts of Jake in general only fueling her until she was so close, but her climax was _just_ out of reach. She groaned as she ground her hips closer to the sensation that was _almost_ satisfying her. 

Then her lips fell apart slightly and she did something that would make her feel ashamed for _months_ to come. “Jake,” she sighed his name, softly at first. Her eyes snapped open, feeling out what that did for her and comparing it to how weird she knew it was to be doing it. It was working for her, decidedly, because she tipped her head back, arching her back toward the vibration and repeating his name softly until she tipped over the edge, finishing off by practically shouting his name, her chest heaving as she teased herself with sporadically allowing the vibration to find her again.   
\--

“You okay?” Jake asked as he walked into the room. His jaw dropped as he took in the scene before him, Amy sprawled out on her bed, _very_ naked, little blue vibrator (that Jake was _very_ familiar with, although she didn’t know that) pressed between her legs. Her chest heaved as she took in deep, staggered breaths and she was flushed all over, very obviously having just orgasmed. _While screaming his name._

That was it, he could die happy. He didn’t need anything else in this world. Knowing that Amy Santiago just brought herself to orgasm while screaming his name was enough to make him happy for the rest of his life. 

Although, there was still a very pressing situation at hand, what with Amy still being naked and Jake still being in the room, and though a solid 2 milliseconds had passed in the time that Jake got all of these thoughts out, the situation was starting to unravel even faster than he was thinking, and he obviously needed to get out of there. 

“I’m so sorry,” he quickly pulled himself out of the room and shut the door behind him, trying his hardest not to embarrass Amy more than he was sure she was already embarrassed. A new pressing matter threatened him. Pressing matter meaning the matter pressing hard against his leg, like he needed a physical reminder that what he had just seen was turning him on. 

He slid against the wall and onto the floor, extending his legs out in front of him. He tried his hardest to blink the image of her naked body out of his head. It felt so disrespectful, looking at her like that without her permission, but no matter how hard he tried, he could see every detail that he had taken in. Her hair laying against her pillow, the way her ribs curved as she arched her back, the way her eyes were clamped shut but her lips were parted. _God_ , she was fucking sexy. Sexier than he ever could have imagined even after seeing her almost completely naked once. And he was in no position to move, probably ever again, based on how hard his dick was pressing against him. 

But he could hear rustling around in her room, almost frantically, so he knew she was coming. He knew there would be a discussion, soon, and he tried his hardest to calm himself before she was ready for that discussion to take place. 

He failed, he realized, as she sprang out of her room, tripping over his legs that she didn’t expect to be there. He outstretched his arms, reaching forward to catch her and luckily (unluckily?) bringing her safely (unsafely???) into his lap. This was the most compromising position he could even think to be in right now. Looking closer at Amy would just make the situation even worse for him. 

She hadn’t actually _touched_ his lap (thank the fucking lord and all of his god friends, and all of the greek gods, Buddha, and any other diety who may be responsible in any way for saving Jake from having Amy land directly on his boner, which would have effectively killed him, he’s sure), because he kind of caught her in his hand. So he had one hand between her legs, one hand on her hip, two barely covered breasts almost touching his face, and one very uncomfortable erection that was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second. 

Said compromising position was not doing any favors for Jake _or_ Amy. Neither of them had moved since she fell on him, the shock of the situation paired with the physical touching that was happening rendering them both immobile. The pressure of his hand on her still-sensitive body, shielded only by a thin pair of shorts- (which he could feel completely through, in case anyone was wondering about exactly how deeply fucked he was) ((all the way fucked, Jake is all the way fucked and unfortunately, Amy is _not_ all the way fucked by him, because that would make at least one of the situations he’s in feel better right now)) (((the boner, he is talking about the boner))) ((((*siren sounds blaring in Jake’s head*))))

Anyway, after that short detour brought to you by Jake’s horny brain™, the pressure of Jake’s hand catching Amy directly between her legs made her let out an involuntary moan that had both of them reeling. It only took Jake a few more seconds to realize that Amy was now wearing a pair of her shorts and _his_ shirt, buttons not lined up in the way that they were hastily buttoned up to get out here. 

“Is- is that my shirt,” he finally managed to say through a strained voice.

“Oh my god,” Amy said, finally gaining control of the situation and pushing up off of him, leaning back against the opposite wall and facing him, covering her face with her hands. 

Jake made no effort to cover the situation he was in, which Amy almost immediately noticed. 

“Oh my _god_ ,” she said again, looking directly at his lap. Her tone made him feel a little embarrassed, but in a good way. 

“That wasn’t what it looked like,” she hurriedly began trying to explain. “It… I-” she paused, then covered her face again. “Okay, so it was _exactly_ what it looked like.” 

He laughed at this, though he tried to stifle his laughter. “I’m sorry, I just thought you were going to try to come up with something, I didn’t expect you to just give in so quickly.” He chuckled again. 

She was blushing furiously and biting her lip so hard he was afraid she might bite it off. “Well, what kind of cover up could I even have for that? You _clearly_ ,” she gestured back to his lap again, “saw exactly what I was doing.” 

“Mhm,” he agreed. “Not being good,” he added quietly, trying to withhold his smile when the shade on her cheeks deepened. 

“So, I’ll just come clean about it all. I’ve been having dreams about you.” 

“Like, sex dreams?” Jake was wrong before. _This_ is what he needed to die happy. 

She rolled her eyes at how excited he had obviously gotten, but nodded. “Like, a lot. And they’ve just been getting more and more intense,” she trailed off. 

“Please tell me about them. In detail. Please.” 

He had the most serious expression she could imagine as he asked for this, but she laughed at him. “So I thought maybe if I just got it out of my system, maybe I would stop having the dreams and I could go back to being ‘totes profesh,’” she sighed and leaned her head back. 

“Don’t worry about it, Ames.” He was being sincere. “You know, I’d be lying if I said I never thought about you when…” he trailed off. She raised her eyebrows and leaned in a little. 

“You have?” 

He looked down at his lap. “Would it make you feel better or worse if I said I might be doing it again later?” She blushed again, but laughed. Then he watched as she happened upon a new thought. 

“Wait… What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be home yet…” She was now looking at him accusingly. 

_Fuck._ This was it. He was caught. 

“Uh, class was cancelled?” 

“Which class?” 

“Sociology… The class I was supposed to go to. But the prof didn’t email, she just left a note on the door, so I had to come back home once I got there…” 

Amy shook her head. “Nope. You don’t have sociology on Mondays. Sociology is your Tuesday, Thursday class.”

_Fuck._

“Yeah, that’s what I meant. Uh, history. History was cancelled.” 

“You’re lying,” she said matter-of-factly. “I don’t understand why, but you’re lying.” 

Jake sighed deeply. 

“Okay. Don’t be mad.” 

Amy’s look of confusion quickly turned to a look of concern. “Why would I be mad? Oh, god… Jake, what did you do?” 

He sighed again. 

“I’m dropping out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:)
> 
> Jake's doing _what_? 
> 
> And how is Amy going to take _that_?


	23. Bruises and Contusions Will Remind Me What You Did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that chapter title is hecka alarming. 
> 
> Title from Panic! at the Disco's Camisado.

Well, if Jake was trying to find a way to turn Amy off from him, he found it. 

_“What do you mean you’re dropping out?”_

“I mean I’m not going to school anymore because I’m doing something different. So I’m withdrawing my education here. Is that a thing? Can I withdraw my education?”

“You withdraw your enrollment, you can’t withdraw the education that you already received-” she stopped, gesturing at herself like she was stupid. “Jake, that’s not even the important thing here. You’re literally going to graduate this upcoming year. Why wouldn’t you just finish?”

He shrugged. “I just realized there are more important things to me than continuing school.” 

Amy scoffed. “Yeah? What exactly is more important than school?” 

Jake was quiet. He wasn’t sure if he should tell her, yet. 

“Okay, fine,” Amy directed after waiting a _very_ short period of time for him to respond. “Get up. We’re going to make a pros and cons list.”

Jake groaned. “A pros and cons list?”

“Yes, Jake. A pros and cons list, so that I can show you how many cons there are to dropping out of school, so that you will remain in school and graduate, like you should. Now get up.” 

He gestured very obviously to his lap. “I’m still gonna need a minute.” 

She was now standing, her hand pressed against her hip as she glared down at him. She was no longer laughing or caught up in his current situation. Finally, after her angry eyes pierced into him for approximately 30 seconds, he sighed and reluctantly got up to follow her. 

Amy went to go find her _best_ dry-erase markers, because she couldn’t prove her point with her _regular_ dry-erase markers, of course. Jake pulled the big white board out from its place on the side of the fridge. A plus about Jake moving all of her things to the new apartment was that he now knew where all of the things were. That included the few things that he intentionally placed in the wrong location, or even hid in semi-obvious places just to mess with her. 

He watched as she wrote on the board, fully concentrating on making a perfectly organized chart for him to utilize in his decision-making process. The problem, unbeknownst to her, was that the decision had already been made. Not only had the decision been made, but it had also been acted on. 

“Okay, so… Pros.” She pointed to the list. “You get a degree, you get to go to school, which you know, is a _privilege_.” He nodded. “Not everybody gets to go to school.”

“I know that. Of course going to school is a privilege. I’m not arguing that going to school isn’t a privilege, I’m just telling you that I’m not going to do it anymore.” 

She sighed, but continued. “You get homework-”

“That’s on the wrong list, Ames.” 

She narrowed her eyes at him. “No, it isn’t. Homework is great-”

“I read an article once about how homework actually has no real benefit for students.” He nodded, clasping his hands in his lap like he had really made his point. 

“You _read something_?” 

“Well, yeah. It was about how I shouldn’t do homework. I read important things!” 

She rolled her eyes at him. “So do you have anything to add to the pros of staying in school list?” 

He actually thought about it, but he still stroked his pretend beard to make an exaggerated scene to irritate her. It worked. 

“Can you take this seriously?” 

He laughed. “I _am_ taking this seriously. I’m thinking.” After a few moments, he looked up at her brightly. He had finally come up with something. “I get to see you.” 

She turned quickly so he wouldn’t see her blushing, but he still caught it and smiled to himself. She jotted her name down on the pros list. 

“Okay,” she said quietly. “Amy, pro. Anything else?” 

“Our study dates,” he listed immediately. 

“I’m just writing ‘studying’. You like studying.”

“Mhm, whatever you have to tell yourself.”

“Anything else?” 

He thought for a moment, not about a pro, but about whether or not he should list the pro that was on his mind. “Yeah.”

“What is it?”

He waited until she turned back to look at him, an eyebrow raised like she couldn’t understand why he hadn’t said it, yet. “The possibility that you might kiss me again.” 

There was no denying that she was blushing now. 

“I’m not putting that on the list, Jake. What does kissing you even have to do with school?”

“Well, first of all, it’s _my_ list.” He stood up and walked over to her, making sure to get _just_ a little too close for comfort. He kept her eye contact while he slid the marker out of her fingers, and didn’t break the eye contact while he wrote the word ‘kisses’ under the pros list. He stepped back to admire his work. 

“Yeah, but me kissing you has nothing to do with staying in school.” She had visibly relaxed a little now that he had taken a step back from her. 

“Not exactly true. I’m around you more when we have classes together, when we’re studying. And the more you’re around me, the more you fall in love with me.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her before continuing. “And the more you fall in love with me, the more you’ll kiss me.” 

She cleared her throat. “Yeah, Jake. _Totes_ profesh.” 

He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at her before moving back to take his seat on the couch. “It’s my list, and kisses are the most motivating reason to stay in school I’ve heard so far.” 

“Oh, so if I kiss you, you’ll stay in school?” Amy was waiting patiently for his answer. He wanted to say yes, because he _wanted_ her to kiss him. But he knew he couldn’t say yes, because he had already started the process of withdrawing from the school. 

“What about the cons?” He finally asked. 

Amy turned to look at the list. “Easy. There are no cons to staying in school.” 

He rolled his eyes and stood back up, walking over and taking the marker once again. He scrawled out the word ‘homework.’ Amy tsked, he assumed at him calling homework a bad thing, but maybe the sound was aimed at his terrible handwriting. He didn’t care to ask. He continued. ‘Get up early.’ 

“Is that why you’re dropping out? So you can sleep all day?” 

He didn’t say anything. Just continued writing. ‘Debt.’ 

“You’re already _in_ debt.” 

He wrote ‘more debt.’

“Yeah, but if you drop out, you’ll be in debt with nothing to show for it. If you keep going, you’ll get your degree.”

He wrote ‘degree is just a piece of paper that I don’t actually need.’ 

She scoffed again, even more dramatically this time. “Okay, Jake. Dropping out is one thing, but I won’t stand here while you desecrate the institution of education.” 

He capped the marker and turned to her. 

“It’s true, though. At least in this case. I don’t _need_ a degree to do the thing I want to do.” 

“And what is it that you want to do, Jake?” 

He trailed back over to the couch and sat down, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. “Promise you’re not going to freak out.” 

“Oh my god,” she started quietly. She made her way over to the couch and sat next to him, turning to face him and crossing her legs. “You’re going to become a stripper, aren’t you? I mean, c’mon, Jake. Sure, you’ve got the body for it, but that isn’t like, a career path? Of course I’m going to freak out over that. You’re so smart and you could do so much good for the world doing something else, something other than that. And can you even dance like that? I mean, I know you can dance, but I think that ballroom dancing thing you’ve got going on would be a bit much for a strip tease.” 

God, for being so smart, she was so _dumb_. He just wanted to pull her closer to him, run his hands up her back and feel her shiver the way she did every so often when he would get the opportunity to touch her there. He wanted to pull her in and find a better use for her tongue than rambling on about him becoming a stripper. Even if she _was_ being really cute and even if she _did_ mention that he’s got a body good enough to be a stripper, facts which were both very present in his mind. He just wanted to kiss her. But only to shut her up, of course. 

But he thought back to the talk that they’d had about appropriate moments to kiss someone, and as much as he wanted to, he figured this would just be another one of those inappropriate moments. But would there ever _be_ an appropriate moment? He really fucking hoped so. Either way, he couldn’t tell her not to kiss him at inappropriate moments and then turn around and kiss her at an inappropriate moment, too. 

“Ames, hey-” he interrupted her, still going on about him stripping. “I would _love_ to hear you continue to talk about my body almost as much as I would love to hear you say the words ‘strip tease’ again, but that’s not what I’m doing. Although I could. Remind me to show you those moves sometimes, because I _definitely_ have them.” He winked at her and laughed at the dumbfounded look she offered back to him. 

“Then… What are you doing?” 

He sighed again. “I’m joining the police academy.” 

She was silent for a long enough time that Jake was now spiralling. She scooted back away from him, leaning her body against the arm of the couch as she thought. He shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t even be dropping out. She was right. None of this made sense. He had already made it so far, why drop out now? Was it too late for him to change his mind? Could he un-drop out? Was that a thing? It wouldn’t hurt him to get a degree, right? He could always join the academy once he had the degree. 

Wait, no. 

He had already put a lot of thought into this before doing it. He had made his _own_ pros and cons list, albeit in his head, not on a white board like a giant (adorable) nerd. He had thought about all the reasons to stay in school. He thought about how it would be cool to have a bachelor’s degree, how it would be nice to keep having study dates with Amy, how he’d like for the debt to not be for nothing. But he had thought a lot more about the pros of joining the academy.

First and foremost, he would be a cool ass cop like John McClane, obviously. He had wanted to be a cop his whole life for reasons like John McClane and Jimmy Brogan’s book The Squad, which talked about _more_ cool ass cops. He could be a cool ass cop, too. 

He found all of that stuff interesting. That’s why he had been taking classes like criminal psychology, forensic science, and criminal justice. He had always known that his life would go toward some sort of role like this, he just didn’t know exactly where. He never really saw himself furthering his education beyond a bachelor’s degree. He definitely wasn’t going to become a _lawyer_. Some guy in a suit arguing about where somebody was while the John McClanes of the world get to get in on the real action? Yeah, _okay_. 

It was the third reason that Jake had more trouble admitting. 

It was Amy. He had always wanted to pursue some sort of career in the police force, but it was this situation with Amy that had given him such an urgency to do it now. It was being by Amy’s side while she recovered that made him want to make sure that he was doing everything he could to make sure that she was safe and protected. And since he already wanted to become a police officer anyway, this was the final little push he needed to make the leap. Besides, why keep wasting his time chasing a degree that he didn’t even _need_ to do the job he wanted to do? 

And it wasn’t even _just_ Amy. She was his friend, whom he cared deeply for, and who he, admittedly, had a little bit of a crush on, but he wasn’t just dropping out and changing the course of his life only for her. (Haven’t you been listening? He’s _wanted_ to become a cop, this isn’t all because of Amy.) It was other women and girls just like Amy that drew him more toward this desire. Women who were left voiceless after situations like the one Amy was in. Women who didn’t have a support system to help encourage them and make them feel safer when they reported their assaults. Women who were treated poorly by the same system that was supposed to be in place to serve and protect them. He wanted to be a part of the change. He wanted to be a part of the force that changed people’s lives for the better. 

It wasn’t some fast decision that he had rushed into. It was something that he had put a great deal of thought and effort into. And he was sure that it was the right choice for him, whether Amy thought so or not. 

“Why?” Amy finally asked. “Because of me?” Her voice sounded small, vulnerable. 

He shook his head. “No. Because of John McClane.” They both laughed at this, but then he took on a more serious tone. “Because of a lot of things, Ames. I’ve always wanted to be a cop. But yeah, this situation with you did have a little bit of an influence on that timeline. But I don’t-” He trailed off, looking away from her for a moment. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m doing this _because of_ you. Like, I know you don’t agree with all this. And I don’t want you to feel like this is your _fault_. Because the way I see it, I was going to end up here anyway, all that changed is now I’m not wasting my time getting a degree that I don’t even need to pursue my dreams.” 

She shook her head before looking at him, which made him swallow hard. He wasn’t ready for her to say something he didn’t like, something that might make him reconsider some of the choices that he had already begun to act on. 

“Jake, I think that’s great.” Her voice was still quiet, like she was thinking. 

He could hear the quality of his voice being affected by the huge smile spreading across his face. “Really? You do?” 

“I think you would be a wonderful cop, Jake. A cop that more cops should be like.” She smiled at him, small but genuine. “And I still think it would be great if you finished school, but I hear what you’re saying. And if that’s the best thing for you, I think you should do it.” 

He felt like he was about to tear up at her support. “God, I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

\--

But he was so wrong. 

Of course he deserved a friend like her. Of course he did. 

He was becoming the best friend that she had ever had. He was supportive of her and he was there when she needed him no matter what. He was funny. He was sweet, he was smart, he was honest. He pushed her to be her best, even when she didn’t want to be. 

He was the reason she had pressed charges. And he was the one who was with her when she did it. And he was the one who fought to be able to come into the room with her, because when they said he had to leave, she started crying. She didn’t want to do it alone. She didn’t want to be there alone. She didn’t want to relive those memories again, alone. 

So he told them he wasn’t leaving. She clearly didn’t want him to leave. They could bend the rules to make her feel more comfortable. Hadn’t she been through enough? This part didn’t need to be more traumatic, too. He was on her side when she wasn’t even sure how to be on her own side. 

And he was so patient. Both that day and all of the days he had been helping her. She had to help them to sketch the scene, to sketch where things had happened. She had to give a description of Teddy for them, though they already had him in custody. She had to give them the story of their relationship, what had happened that led them to this moment. That’s how Jake got a lot of the story, because until that moment, there was a lot of it that she had never even said aloud. 

He was so calm, so strong for her through that day. When she would choke on a sob, he would rub his hand on her back comfortingly or open his arms for her to bury herself into. He would drag his fingers through her hair slowly, whispering to her until she relaxed. _“Shhhh, hey, it’s okay, Ames. Everything’s okay, now.”_ Stopping long enough to direct his attention to them: “Hey, do you think we could get her some water?” Then moving directly back to whisper in the direction of her ear. 

And when she would get to some of the explicit details of what Teddy had done to her, not just on the last time she had seen him, but throughout the entire time she’d been with him, she could see Jake clenching his jaw. At the worst of it, she’d seen him close his eyes and twist his head away from her for a moment, only to open his eyes and shake his head slightly right after, then right back to tightening his jaw. But when she needed him, he immediately relaxed, offering her a soft, stable voice and a set of equally gentle, soothing hands. 

Then he stopped on the way home, grabbing her favorite foods because he knew she needed that comfort. She needed _him_ whether he knew that or not. And once they got there, he plated her food, encouraging her to eat something even though he could tell she wasn’t really feeling up to it. But she hadn’t eaten all day. So she ate just a little, only for him. Then he left her alone long enough to turn up the hot water in the shower, allowing the steam to billow out into the hallway while he trailed into her room, then dipped back into the bathroom. Then he was with her again, pulling her up out of her chair and guiding her to the bathroom. 

_”I’m gonna leave you in here, okay. You should shower. It’ll make you feel a little better.”_ He had said softly. He placed his hand on her cheek and traced his fingers across her jaw for a moment, a brief flash of emotion making itself known in his eyes. _”You gonna be okay in here?_

She had nodded, but she really wanted to ask him to stay. To just stay with her, in the room. She just didn’t want to be alone. But she watched him leave, shutting the door gently behind him as he went. Then she stared at herself in the mirror, touching all the places where Teddy had touched her. Everywhere that he had hurt her. She barely remembered removing her clothes, but then she was there, standing in front of the mirror, dragging her fingers along her neck, her ribs. Her face, her hips, her arms, until she realized that she had touched almost every part of herself. He had hurt all of her, both emotionally and physically. There were parts of her that she was still trying to reclaim, still trying to learn how to love again. 

_”Hey, you okay?”_ Jake had knocked on the door. Her voice was weak as she responded. 

_”Yes.”_

She tore eyes away from her body, mostly free of bruises, scrapes, and any other physical reminder of what Teddy had done to her. But when she looked in the mirror, she could see it all. Every fight, every accusation, every word he flung at her in abhorrence. The way that she let it all stick to her made her feel sick, now. Sure, he had done all of that to her. He was the one to blame. But she _let him_. 

And if she had been better,  
If she had been stronger,  
If she had been braver,

She wouldn’t be standing in front of this mirror, staring at her bare skin, seeing nothing but the bruises and contusions. Nothing but the lacerations, the scrapes, the cuts, the breaks, the _pain_.

So much _pain_.

But she dragged herself to the shower, just like she dragged herself through each day. Dragged herself through the motions until she could call it more of a habit, until she didn’t have to think so explicitly about every single move that she made. And when she dragged herself back out again, she _did_ feel a little better. Key words, a little. She changed into the clothes that Jake had brought in for her, an oversized sweater that didn’t belong to her and a pair of underwear. She was too exhausted and distracted to even think about being embarrassed about Jake being in her underwear drawer (besides, thinking back, she was sure this was an action performed with his eyes closed, out of respect for Amy and her privacy). She grabbed the shorts that he’d left her, but ultimately decided that she was not up to bending again to put them on. She sat down on the edge of the counter and avoided her reflection as she dried her hair. 

When she slipped back out of the bathroom, intoxicated by the smell of Jake in his sweater that she was wearing, she wanted nothing more than to go to bed. But she didn’t want to be alone, of course. She thought about dragging Jake into her bed again, for the third time now, just to sleep, but she quickly realized that he had other plans for her. 

She found him in the living room, perfecting a sort of fort that he had built on the floor. Blankets and pillows littered the floor, creating a large, comfy space that she couldn’t help but to smile at. The beginning credits of Training Day were threatening to roll, waiting for Jake to simply press the button to allow them. 

He smiled sheepishly at her, eyes still involuntarily tracing down her legs. _“I’m just a weak man,”_ he would’ve said if she had commented on it, but she hadn’t. Instead, she made her way to him and fell comfortably into his embrace, leaning into him as he held her. 

_”Come here,”_ he said softly, flicking the lights off before pulling her down onto the floor with him. She was seated between his legs, leaning back against his chest as he leaned back against the couch. He held her through the beginning of the movie, quickly moving to rubbing her neck and her shoulders wordlessly until she relaxed further into him, turning her head to snuggle against his chest and close her eyes. He pulled a blanket off of the floor and wrapped it around her, holding her there and rubbing the top of her arms until she fell asleep. 

And she couldn’t be sure. Maybe she just dreamed it. But she had a vague memory of him kissing her on the temple and lightly playing with her hair, too. 

That next morning, she woke up alone in her bed. He must have carried her there. When she went into the living room, she was surprised to find that everything was cleaned up, no stray pillows or blankets in places where they shouldn’t have been. She was even more surprised to find Jake sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window. It was way too early for Jake to be awake. 

She slid into the chair across from him, catching his attention and receiving a small smile as a good morning. He pushed his mug across the table until it was in front of her. Against her better judgment, she raised it to her lips and took a sip of his coffee. She blinked her eyes and made a face at him. It had _way_ too much sugar. 

_”What are you doing up so early?”_ She finally asked him. 

He looked at her for a moment, then tore his gaze away from her face to look out the window. _”I didn’t sleep.”_ When he returned his eyes to her, he looked pained. He looked concerned, confused, _hurt_. She didn’t understand what had happened. 

He swallowed and looked down at the table, pulling his mug back to him and taking a drink, then staring into it at the coffee sloshing around. 

_”I just don’t understand.”_ She was still confused. He must have seen that. He looked at her and quickly glanced away, leaning his forehead down into his hands, where he rubbed his temples lightly. She waited for him to look at her again, then stretched her hand out and placed it on his. He tried to smile at her again, but it was touched by despair. 

_”What is it?”_ She finally asked. 

He shook his head, and continued staring at the table. _”I just- How could he **do** all of this? To **you**?”_

His eyes met hers again, finally. He seemed to be analyzing her the same way she was analyzing him. And for this period of time, staring into Jake’s eyes in silence as they both let the weight of the question that neither of them had the answer to settle, Amy was sure about one thing: Jake. 

\--

Now they were having a very similar movie night. They were curled up on the couch together, his arm placed comfortably around her shoulder. For warmth, probably. It didn’t matter. It was just platonic. 

_Although_ , he thought, with him dropping out of school, there really was no need to keep their relationship so strictly professional...was there? 

But that wasn’t for him to decide. It was 100% for her to decide. She was the one who needed the space to make these decisions. She was the one who needed to have control of where their relationship went, for the time being. It all had to be her. Because that’s what she needed. 

She was smiling at the movie, currently. He wasn’t even sure what the movie was. She chose it. Some romantic comedy. She swore he was going to love it, but if he was being honest, the only time he had spent looking at the screen was when Amy had turned her head to look at him. Every other moment was spent watching her. 

About half way through the movie, she turned to look at him again. This time, she lingered for a moment, and he thought that perhaps she caught him looking at her. He was grateful for the darkness of the room. 

“Jake?” She asked. He still hadn’t turned back to look at her, but did so at her questioning. She had a weird look on her face when he did look at her. 

“What?”

She smiled a little, but didn’t say anything for another moment. Then she said, “Thank you.”

He was confused. For letting her pick this movie? “For what?”

The small smile spread across her face. “Everything. You’re my best friend.”

He didn’t know if it was her smile or her words that put a similar smile on his face, but either way, he was ecstatic. “You’re my best friend, too.” Then he laughed a little. “But don’t tell Charles.” 

She tipped her head back in laughter, then flashed him another beautiful smile before turning her head back to the movie. 

And he tried to stop watching her. He swore he did. But the way the lights from the movie played against her face, flashing soft reds and blues against her skin had him distracted. The stifled laughter that she let out when a funny part happened had him laughing along like he had actually been paying attention to the joke. Being with her, just being next to her was intoxicating to him in the best way imaginable. 

“Hey, Ames?” 

She turned to look at him again, her eyes wide in curiosity as she stared at him. He could live in this moment forever, with her eyes on him. Then he leaned forward, cradling her face with his hand as he kissed her.

He gently held her, the kiss not quite chaste, but with no ulterior motives beyond simply kissing the woman who he had been falling for for much longer than he’d be willing to admit. He traced his tongue around the edge of her lips, stopping playfully at the corner of her mouth and asking her permission to enter. When she let her lips part slightly, he just bit her bottom lip softly and pulled away ever so slightly. His lips were still almost brushing against hers as she spoke, breath falling a little faster than normal. 

Her voice was playful and soft. “What was that?” 

He chuckled against her lips. “Well, Santiago. I thought I’d give you a demonstration on how to abruptly kiss someone during an _appropriate_ moment.” 

“Shut up,” she giggled before making him, pulling him a little closer than he had previously been. They weren’t quite making out, but the kiss was getting more heated by the second. 

When she broke away, she laughed again. “Was that appropriate enough for you?” 

He shrugged his shoulders and pressed his lips against the corner of her mouth. “I don’t know… I think you might need a little more practice.” 

Then the end credits were rolling, both Jake and Amy too caught up in kissing one another to realize that they had made it to the end of the movie. And when Jake realized how late it was, he pulled Amy in for one last, gentle kiss. 

“Goodnight,” he practically whispered. 

“Goodnight,” she whispered back. 

And as Amy laid in her bed, the smile playing against her still-tingly lips, she couldn’t help but to think about how Jake just kissed her with no expectations, then walked off to his own bedroom, where he was currently laying. They were some twenty-feet apart, and she couldn’t remember the last time that she had felt so happy, so lighthearted.

Jake had a similar sentiment as he laid in his bed. He touched his lips softly and smiled to himself. He surprisingly only felt a _little_ dumb for kissing Amy, especially when he had just thought to himself that he should let her take the lead in whatever their relationship was. But all in all, it felt _right._ It felt like exactly what he wanted, what he’d been wanting. And judging by her reaction, that was what she wanted, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love thoughts on this chapter specifically! So if you have them, toss them my way. Thanks bbbbs, as always, love you. 
> 
> Also I'm seeing tli tomorrow (today???) so I won't be posting for sure tomorrow, maybe not for the next few days. We'll see. :)


	24. Conducting Your Body Through Notes You Didn't Know You Could Hit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello. It's smut time. Prepare yourselves.
> 
> Also if you're not into smut, you can skip this chapter with no problem lmao. This serves a small purpose in the plot line, but you won't really be missing any plot if you skip it tbh. 
> 
> Title from Sparks the Rescue's song Skeleton. 
> 
> _And I'm in love with the sounds I'm making you sing in the night when you come, like I am conducting your body through notes you didn't know you could hit, I'll harmonize with it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sos i really struggled writing this chapter and maybe all of a sudden got uncomfy writing smut even though I have a handful of pretty explicit smut one shots???? we- 
> 
> idk how my brain works but it was a struggle to get to this point ok so please enjoy this and be nice to me

“Okay, so what is this?” Jake finally asked. 

Amy took a step back, letting her arms fall away from his neck. 

“Wait, no, come back,” he whined. She complied and took a step closer, stretching up to kiss him again. 

“What do you mean?”

He wrapped his arms around her waist and sighed. “I don’t know how to words. Like, what are… we?”

She seemed caught off guard by this question, although she probably should’ve known it was coming. It had been another week and they had been carving out makeout time every single day since Jake had first kissed her. They never talked about what this meant, or if it meant anything at all. 

Amy shrugged. “We’re friends.” She stood up on her toes to kiss him again, but he turned his face away from the kiss. 

“Do you kiss your other friends like this?” He felt very vulnerable as he asked, but he thought he was doing a pretty good job of hiding that. 

“You mean Kylie?” She laughed. “No, of course not.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Obviously I was making a point, not asking if you kiss Kylie.” He paused to kiss her again, like he couldn’t even wait until they finished this discussion (or argument… whatever this was). “But seriously. What is this? Friends with benefits?” 

He was _clearly_ joking. At least, he thought it was clear. Amy Santiago would never agree to a friends with benefits type of relationship. 

She raised an eyebrow as she thought that over. “Yeah. I guess we are.” 

He had a momentary lapse in control of his facial expression, scrunching his eyebrows together before catching himself. Had to play it cool, or whatever. 

“Oh. Friends with benefits? Is what we are? Cool cool cool cool cool.” Fantastic job at playing it cool. Truly an emmy-worthy performance. 

She shrugged. “That’s what you want, right? I mean, you want the _benefits_ , right?” 

Well, yeah. Obviously he wanted the benefits. But he’d be lying if he said that was all he wanted. He wanted to hold her hand in public. He wanted to do their grocery shopping together, bickering about their use (or lack thereof) of lists the entire time. He wanted to hold her in his arms while he slept, waking up to her beautiful, peaceful face each morning. Did all of that fit into the category of ‘friends with benefits’?

He leaned down and kissed her in response, choosing to avoid answering the question instead of lying through his teeth or looking pathetic. Obviously this is what she wanted. She wouldn’t have agreed if that wasn’t what she wanted. And yeah, maybe he was joking when he said it, but if those ‘benefits’ meant that he could kiss her whenever he wanted, then it’s not like that was a bad setup. Even if it only meant that he could kiss her when they were at home, he didn’t mind that either. 

She pulled out of the kiss slightly. “Mmm, so I have another proposition. The benefits-” She paused to kiss him again, tangling her fingers loosely in his curls as she did. “Just kissing?” 

“Uh, I… Is that what you want?” 

She bit her lip and smirked a little. “Well, I was just thinking that it isn’t really fair.” 

“Wait, what’s not really fair?”

“Well, you’ve basically seen me naked twice.” 

His breath hitched as he realized where this conversation was going. “Mhm?” 

“And the closest to naked I’ve seen you is that time you came in my room in a towel.” 

“Hey, one of the times I saw you, you were just _almost_ naked.” Images of the red lace adorning her body that night were burned into his brain forever and they flashed before his eyes now. “So I think the towel counts as my almost naked.” 

“Exactly. So if we want to make it even, there’s an ‘entirely naked’ situation in our future.”

Jake’s stomach flipped at that suggestion. “Amy Santiago, are you saying you want me to take my shirt off?”

“Wow, Jake Peralta: Ladies Man can’t even tell when a girl is hitting on him.” 

Jake scoffed, sounding offended. “Ladies man? I’ll have you know that men love me, too.” 

Amy laughed, but pulled him closer for another kiss. His hands left her hips and moved up to the top button of his shirt, quickly working to remove it like she had suggested. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt, working upward and unbuttoning with him. They got to the middle button at the same time, but he let her take the lead, choosing instead to grip onto her hips, sliding the edge of her shirt up her torso. She unclasped the final button, following up with slowly sliding the shirt off of his shoulders and down his arms. 

After pulling his wrists free from his sleeves, he took her face in both of his hands as he deepened the kiss. Her hands were roaming his bare chest, his sides, down to his hips. Within a few moments he was helping her to pull her shirt off, adorning her newly exposed skin with kisses. He closed his eyes, melting at the soft sounds she made as he nipped at the sensitive skin at the base of her neck. 

His movements became slower, more deliberate as he moved further down her body. He didn’t want to do anything to make her uncomfortable. If he moved too fast while she was caught up in the moment, if she didn’t have enough time to think things through, if she regretted what they were doing after it was done; he didn’t know if he could forgive himself. So he made sure to give her the extra time, the extra space to make those decisions as she felt necessary. She let go of her hold on him and shrugged her shoulders backward. Suddenly the piece of fabric separating him from seeing her chest was falling to the floor, much faster than if he had tried to remove it himself. He would have to remember that for next time. He should always let her do it. Much more effective that way. 

She carded her fingers through his hair, pulling him down and arching her chest closer to him. It seemed pretty clear that she had made her decision on that desire, so he happily complied, decorating her chest with more kisses, leaving little red trails in his path when he gave one spot too much attention. Every sound she made was more enthusiastic than the last and he had to compose himself every time she did it. 

It was approximately 12:25pm on a Thursday and he was in Amy Santiago’s living room, guiding her to the couch without ever removing his lips from her body. He forged trails across her skin with his tongue until she eventually pulled him back up, further on top of her body as she kissed him again, hands moving quickly to get him closer. He was painfully aware of every point of contact. She left goosebumps all over him where her fingertips slowly dragged across his skin. 

Jake found himself moving back down her body until he was kneeling on the floor in front of her, working the button of her jeans. As soon as he got the button undone, he slowed down again. He traced his fingers against her hips. 

“This okay?” He tugged softly at the edge of her jeans. 

She moved toward his touch and closed her eyes. “I thought we were getting _you_ naked.”

He smiled genuinely at her. “We are. But what fun is it if I’m the only one?” 

Her lips drew into a smile, too. “Well then we’ll just have to try this again another time. If we both get naked, we’re still not even because you’ve still seen me one more time.” 

He hesitated. “So do you want me to stop?” 

“God, Jake, no. Please don’t stop.” She tugged at her jeans to help him get the process started. He couldn’t help but smile at her, all needy and full of desire, practically begging him to satisfy her needs. 

His smile quickly turned to a smirk as he began kissing her thighs, her stomach, even pressing kisses against the last thin piece of fabric still left covering her. 

“You know I’ve been thinking about this?” He paused to kiss the inside of her thigh, sucking a little hickey, then pressing soft kisses against the new mark. He began moving tantalizingly slow, partially to give her an out and partially because he could see her desire growing by the second and he was really enjoying it. 

“About what?” She asked, pushing her hips a little closer to him. 

He laughed quietly, attractively. “Ever since I saw you that day,” he continued between teasing kisses, “I’ve been thinking about my mouth being right,” he pressed his lips directly between her legs, voice muffled by the fabric he spoke against, “here.” 

He couldn’t describe the sound that she made if he tried. It was almost a whine, soft and low. He laughed against her, now. He looked up to see her blushing, which was even funnier considering his head was literally in between her legs, but he knew the tint across her cheeks was related to him referencing walking in on her a few days earlier. 

“You have two seconds, Jake. Two seconds or I’m taking care of this myse-” she gasped as he took her threat seriously, quickly providing her some relief with his tongue. She sank back into the cushions and he quickly moved to pull her underwear all the way off, where he had previously just pulled them to the side for quick access. 

Her fingers made their way into his hair, where she pulled softly until he brought _his_ fingers into the mix, which quickly had her grinding against him, repeating his name in a tone that would be forever burned into his brain. He wanted to record it, to listen to it on repeat with headphones for the rest of his life. She climaxed quickly, shaking around him as she did. He pressed soft kisses against her as she relaxed into the couch, then worked his way back up her body, still kneeling on the floor. 

Once he made his way to her lips, she kissed him back for a moment, then relaxed into the couch again. Her eyes were closed, entire image giving off bliss. He was glad her closed eyes hid the huge smile that she gave him. She was the cutest fucking thing, breath hitched and flushed all over, looking gorgeous and calm. He kissed her cheek before slowly dragging his fingers through her hair. 

“Mmmm,” she hummed softly, eyes still tightly shut. “Are you trying to put me to sleep?” He chuckled softly, but didn’t respond. “Because it might be working.” 

He laughed again. “You just look so exhausted. I think you could use a nap, babe.” She was quiet. Babe? Should he call her babe? Was babe a friends with benefits sort of nickname? Or did babe cross a line? Had he already fucked this up? 

“The problem _is_ ,” Amy said sleepily, “that we were supposed to be getting _you_ naked, Jake. You’re not getting out of it that easy.” 

Her hands made their way to his jeans, unbuttoning them with ease, which Jake greatly appreciated. His jeans had become increasingly tight as their interaction continued, but he hadn’t wanted to make her uncomfortable by solving that problem for himself. So instead, he just suffered through that. To be fair, he had been pretty distracted up until a few moments ago. 

As soon as she had his jeans pulled slightly down, her hand delved into his boxers where she wrapped her fingers around him, much to his satisfaction. He hadn’t expected her to touch him so abruptly and he was already leaning closer to her touch. 

“You don’t, you-” He stopped talking, supporting his weight with an arm on the side of the couch while he rocked closer to her. Talk about distracting. _This_ was distracting. His next breath was rough and he failed to keep his eyes open. “You don’t have to, Ames.” 

His eyes were still closed, but he could feel her shifting. Her warm lips came as a surprise as they brushed against his hip, tongue joining them there. Any thoughts that he previously had were gone, nothing but Amy on his mind. He sighed at the loss of her touch, but quickly realized that she was pulling his boxers down, ridding herself of the last obstacle between them. 

She was touching him again and god, he wanted it, he wanted her. But he wanted her to be comfortable, more. “Ames,” he said softly, voice still rough. He looked down at her, still slowly teasing him as she met his gaze from underneath her eyelashes. She was perfect. There was no question in his mind. “You don’t have to, you know.”

She smirked up at him. “I know.” 

And then she did. 

And everything else was gone. There was no fading away, no slow realization that this was easily the best head he had ever received (quite possibly just the best thing that had ever happened to him). There simply were other things, and then in a split second, there was nothing but her. There was nothing but them, together, in the middle of the afternoon. Nothing but Jake trying his hardest to keep his concentration, nothing but him losing himself in her touch. Nothing but the light filtering through the window, illuminating her face that he just couldn’t look away from (when he could manage to keep his eyes open, that was). 

She laughed as she pulled away from him, keeping her hand in place and looking up at his face. Once he opened his eyes and looked down at her, gripping her shoulders to steady himself, she licked her lips slowly. 

“Come here,” he murmured, pulling her up toward his face. His lips collided with hers immediately, lustfully. He cupped her face momentarily before allowing his hands to travel back down her body, fingers finding her even more ready for him than before. It occurred to him that he didn’t even _need_ to record the sounds she made for later. He could just make her make all those sounds again. That was an even better alternative. 

She pulled away from him enough to speak, which he immediately responded to by kissing her neck. “Condoms are in my,” she paused to gasp as he bit softly on her shoulder. “In my room.” 

He lifted her to his hips, supporting all of her weight. She wrapped her legs around his waist and moaned softly at the new sensation, their bodies touching in a new way. He could feel her against him and wanted nothing more than to reposition, to lean her against the wall and do anything he could to hear her say his name again. But he persisted, awarding her with kisses as he trailed into her bedroom, tipping her onto the bed and wasting no time in opening her drawer and pulling out a little metallic package. 

She looked at him alluringly, letting her legs fall apart and snaking her hand between them as she waited for him. When he caught sight of her, he completely stopped what he was doing. 

“Fuck, that’s hot,” he practically growled. She bit her lip and batted her eyelashes at him. 

Her voice was breathy as she responded. He wanted to close the distance between them, to finally feel her around him, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her body. “What are you talking about, Jake?” 

He didn’t say anything, just worked on pulling on the condom without looking, eyes glued to her every tiny, determined movement that she made. 

She quickly grew tired of touching herself, huffing at him when he didn’t immediately come to her. “Are you gonna come fuck me or not?” The words sounded accusatory and of course that only turned him on more. Probably anything she did or said were turn him on more at that point, but the authoritative quality her voice took on specifically had him running to her, doing whatever it was she asked of him. 

He was hovering over her now, placing soft kisses on her lips, on her neck, on her collarbone. “You sure, Ames?” He punctuated his question with more kisses. “We can still stop.” 

“I don’t _want_ to stop. I want _you_ ,” she stretched up to kiss him. 

So he kissed her again, deeper than before, and positioned himself. When he drew his hips forward, she gasped softly and immediately began rocking with him as he moved way too slow for her liking. He just wanted to remember everything that was happening. Every sensation, every sound, everything he saw. He was working to commit it all to memory. He could tell already that no matter how many times he was lucky enough to be in this situation, he would never get used to it. She was too perfect, this was too much. Way more than he deserved, but everything he wanted. 

“Jake,” her voice was different now than it had been earlier. It wasn’t pleasure corrupting her voice, but instead frustration. “I need _more_.” 

His stomach flipped at the idea that she needed more of _him_. He wanted nothing more than to give her exactly that and obliged her request, picking up speed and allowing his thumb to make its way back to tracing little circles against her. 

“Fuck,” she whispered. Her fingers locked into the hair at the nape of his neck. “Oh, _fuck_ , Jake.” 

The sound of his name set off some sort of carnal desire in him. He shifted and pulled her into his lap, bouncing her softly as he maintained his firm grip on her hips. She grabbed his wrists from behind her back and leaned forward, tipping him back against the mattress and pressing his hands above his head. He had trouble keeping his eyes open, but every glimpse he caught of her was stunning. She was irresistible and he didn’t know how he could ever be around her again without thinking of this moment. 

This thought, along with any other coherent idea in his one-track mind disappeared as she buckled down, releasing his wrists and opting instead to grip onto his shoulders, eventually dragging fingernails onto his chest. She quickened her movements, her consistent moans turning more breathless and erratic. He traced his hands across her body and within seconds she was shaking again, pulling him over the edge with her. 

A few moments later they were laying in bed next to one another, breathing settling quietly. Jake had turned over and tossed the condom into the small trash can next to her bed, then quickly turned back to snuggle her closer to him. 

Then he realized:

Should he be doing that? 

Should he leave? 

What is the protocol on this? 

He wasn’t sure, but he was sure that it was getting progressively harder for him to breathe. What was he doing? Why did he do that? Why did he make a joke about being friends with benefits? Why did he agree to being Amy Santiago’s fuck buddy when he wanted more than that? He wanted exponentially more than that with her. And yet he just carried her into her bedroom and fucked her without a second thought, like there was ever any possibility that he could sleep with her and come out of the situation anything less than in love with her. 

Well, wait, hold on. That was an exaggeration. He wasn’t in love with her. 

Obviously. 

But he definitely wasn’t in love with the idea of being her fuck buddy. 

He had been turned toward her, half lying and half uncomfortably propping himself up on an elbow. He had reached for her when he first turned, but caught himself and pulled back. She had been studying him ever since. 

He forgot how to breathe again. He was so fucking dumb. This was by far the dumbest shit he had ever done. Kissing Amy was one thing. Sleeping with her was a whole new ballgame. A whole new stupid ballgame that he would never have a modicum of a chance at winning.

In through your nose, hold three seconds, out through your mouth. That worked pretty well for him the last time he was feeling like this. God, why wasn’t it working now? He needed air. He needed to get out. He needed to get away from her, away from her pretty face, her dark eyes that were fixated on him, concern lining her forehead. He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t have done this. 

He turned to get up, pushing himself off of the bed wordlessly. 

Amy sat up, pulling a blanket into her lap to cover herself. “Where are you going?” 

Jake looked at her, unsure of what to say. “Oh, uh… I don’t know. I didn’t know if- if I should stay?” 

Amy leaned back into the pillows, relaxing. “Please stay,” she said quietly, opening her arms back up to him. 

He slowly, reluctantly climbed back into the bed. He still couldn’t breathe. He wanted to do what she asked of him. He wanted to be in bed with her. He wanted her in his arms. He wanted so much more than just that. But the idea that all of this was just some facade, like he was playing house with someone who already had their house in order? He couldn’t take it. 

“Jake, are you okay?” She leaned forward to look at him, now. 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He could tell that he wasn’t being convincing, however. 

“What’s wrong?” 

He sighed. “This was a mistake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit jake, what?
> 
> ALSO ily guys sm, tli was the best and I had so much fun and I appreciate all of you that made a comment about that!!


	25. I'd Rather Make Mistakes than Nothing at All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some feels in this one, guys. 
> 
> Also? Literally none of you have any sort of trust in me? That shit hurted ok. Will you be punished???? We'll see.
> 
> Title from the title of Mayday Parade's I'd Rather Make Mistakes than Nothing At All.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves. 
> 
>  
> 
> You've been warned.

“Oh… Uhm… Okay… “ Amy tensed as she said this. He could hear the shakiness in her voice and he wasn’t absolutely sure what emotion caused it, but he knew it was bad and that he didn’t want her to feel that way. She schooched further away from him so that she could see him better. 

Jake was scrambling for words. “No, I mean, that’s not what I meant.” 

“Oh… Then what did you mean?” 

He sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t just want to fuck you.” He wasn’t looking at her as he said this. He was playing with the edge of the blanket that covered her body. He was feeling a variety things. He could really use of one of Amy’s lists right now. 

**Jake’s List of Feelings**

Apprehensive  
Uncomfortable  
Stupid  
Nervous  
Vulnerable  
Anxious  
Self-Conscious  
Embarrassed  
And whatever the opposite of confidence is, if he didn’t already put that on the list somewhere. He wasn’t sure.  
Also did he mention stupid?

Amy seemed timid when she spoke, now. “Okay… So if you didn’t want to fuck me… Why did you?” 

He was quiet. Well that _definitely_ wasn’t what he meant. Is that what he said? Was he _that_ stupid? What the fuck? 

Now, looking at her, he could see the vulnerability on her face. Her entire demeanor changed. Her shoulders curved forward as if she was trying to conceal herself. She was back to biting her lip again, not in the attractive way she had been doing before, but in the way that gave away her insecurities. 

“No, no, god, Ames, no.” He rushed to try and correct his mistake. “Not that, not- Oh my god,” he stopped, covering his face with his hands. Breathing was now somehow even more difficult? “I’m so fucking dumb, Ames. I’m sorry. Of course I want to fuck you. Of course I do.” He gestured to her body. 

Then he caught himself. Wow, he really was the worst person alive, huh?

“Okay, I’m having trouble with words again, so disregard anything that just sounds stupid as fuck for me, okay?” He looked at her seriously and waited for her to nod, then continued. “So of _course_ I want to fuck you. Because you’re gorgeous. And god, it’s a fucking shame that anybody ever made you feel like you didn’t deserve to be referred to as beautiful or any of the other things I’m about to say, but I want you to know that even when I say things that sound like maybe they’re meant to be taken negatively, it’s because I’m dumb, not because there’s _anything_ bad about you. I do not have a single negative thought about you and I don’t think I ever even possibly could. So _yes_. I wanted to fuck you. And I even still want to right now, as we speak.” He watched the rosy color return to her cheeks and tried not to smile in the middle of his speech. 

“But I don’t just want to fuck you because you’re beautiful, Amy. You’re the best person I know. You’re so smart and kind and cute and ambitious and hardworking. You’re so good that you make _me_ want to be better. You’re nerdy in a way that somehow made me like you even more? Crazy, I know.” He paused to laugh softly. “And you’re accepting of the things about yourself that other people maybe wouldn’t be proud of. You’re proud that you love to make binders. You show off your different sets of dry erase markers, when other people would probably be embarrassed about admitting that they have a set of markers for special occasions. You’re unapologetically you and I love that about you.” 

“But that’s just the thing. I love so many things about you. And I was so stupid for thinking that this would work. This is never going to be enough for me, Ames. I’ve had a-” He stopped talking, averting his eyes again. “I’ve had a crush on you for such a long time. You know, I _like_ you. And that hasn’t gone away since the last time we talked about it. If anything, it’s gotten even worse than before.” He sighed. “So yes, I want to fuck you. But I don’t _just_ want to fuck you. _That_ was a mistake. Having sex with you was not a mistake. But thinking that I could do this without feelings getting involved was a mistake. Because my feelings were tied up in this long before you decided you wanted to fuck me. And being with you has done nothing but intensify those feelings.” 

He sighed, as if he were catching his breath. He had to admit, it did feel a little good to get all of that off of his chest. She deserved to know all that. She could do with that whatever she wanted, but at least he got it out there. He liked her. And he couldn’t just have sex with her without liking her. He was always going to like her, he thought. He was sure of it.

Amy hummed quietly, then looked down at her hands. She was picking at her thumb idly while she processed everything he had just said. 

“So if fucking me was a mistake, why did you do it?” 

He blinked slowly at her. She couldn’t actually mean that, could she? “Ames… Have you _seen_ yourself?” He tugged at her blanket a little so that he was covering himself more with it, too. “Even after just telling you about all of that, if you looked at me and said you had no feelings with me, but you were ready for round two? I’d do it in a second. Especially when you _want_ me. When you look at me like that,” his voice got softer, more reminiscent, and he fought off a shiver, “when you say my name. In the moment, it’s everything I could ask for. It’s just that when it’s over, I’m left with… _feelings_. Which, by the way, those are so fucking dumb, right? I didn’t ask to have feelings, but here I am.” 

He was rambling again, and he tried to stop himself, but then another thought popped into his head. “Besides- When it comes to you, I’d rather make mistakes than nothing at all.” 

She looked up at him now, seriously. The sunlight from the window played off of her dark eyes, bringing out flecks of gold and orange in its presence. He just couldn’t look away. He would do anything for those eyes, always thoughtful and full of emotion. He would do anything for the person that came with them. And if that meant just being her friend, then so be it. He would rather be her friend than not have her in his life. 

“So, I think I’m confused,” she finally said. “Was it a mistake, or not?” 

He looked at her inquisitively, then let a small smile play upon his lips. “I don’t know. Was it?” 

She pursed her lips and for the briefest moment, he saw her smirk, but then her expression was serious again. She shrugged her shoulders. “I never said it was a mistake, you did.” She slowly flicked her gaze back to his face. The way she was moving was doing things to him and he wished he could control himself better when it came to her. 

But he was feeling vulnerable, again. He leaned back against her headboard and pulled the blanket further into his lap. “Seriously, Ames. I don’t wanna be dumb about this, but I kind of just need to know where I stand so I can plan accordingly.” 

She laughed, now. “Jake, you’re _already_ being dumb about this.” 

He wrinkled his eyebrows at this. She was being kind of mean, and not in a playful sort of way that he normally would’ve liked. He felt like he was really opening up to her, and she was laughing at him and avoiding his questions. 

“You never asked me how _I_ felt,” Amy pointed out softly. 

He turned to her, now. “How do you feel?” 

She sighed exasperatedly. “I thought you’d never ask.” She smiled at him briefly before looking down at her lap and continuing. “I feel like for the entire time that we’ve known each other, I’ve been pushing you away, even when I wanted you more than anything else. When you proved time and time again that you were a great friend, I still wouldn’t let you in, but that never stopped you. You have been persistent in such a kind and respectful way where you’ve never made me feel uncomfortable, never made me feel pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do, but always let me know that you were there.” 

He reached for her hand, now. He wasn’t sure that he should, but when he laced his fingers with hers, she squeezed his hand lightly. Neither of them looked at one another, simply looking down at the bed in front of them while she continued again. This felt right. And he hoped that even if she didn’t want to be with him romantic stylez, they could still have moments like this as friends. 

“And then after everything that’s happened…” She trailed off and he rubbed comforting circles on the back of her hand. “And I broke your trust and I did some things that I’m not super proud of,” she swallowed and he turned to look at her. 

“Ames, you don’t have to apologize. I was wrong. I was wrong and I overreacted and I never should have said any of that to you. I never should have left you.” 

She shook her head. “Not just that. There was also-” She trailed off, shaking her head lightly. “That night. With Teddy. I, uh-”

Jake was trying not to visibly react to what he thought she was about to say, but he could feel his eyes narrowing. ‘That night with Teddy,’ said in such a strange tone. He’d heard her talk about that night a variety of times, and he had heard a variety of emotions when she was doing it, but he’d never heard this sort of… shameful tone? His mind was already racing, trying to predict her words before she said them. She and Teddy had a ‘night’? And if she had left all of that out of her police report, what did that mean for the case? 

He chanced a glance at Amy and found her studying her hands closely, eyebrows drawn together uncomfortably. 

“Hey,” he said quietly, placing his hand on her face to tip her head toward his, making her look at him. “It’s okay. You can tell me, whatever it is.”

She sighed and closed her eyes, releasing his hand and rubbing at her temples softly before continuing. “There was this guy.” Jake felt his stomach sort of drop, but he listened intently to what she was saying. He didn’t love the idea of picturing Amy with another guy while he was still naked in her bed, but it is what it is. “His name is Nick. So after we got in that fight, you and me… Kylie made me go out for the night. I got all dressed up and we went to some club. That’s where I met him. And without getting too into it, we were kind of making out, but Kylie made me leave before I did something I’d regret-” mental note, thank Kylie for that, “-and so we went home. But I don’t know if I forgot to lock my door when I left or if he broke in, but you know he--Teddy--was already there when I got inside.” She was quiet, now. 

He pulled her against his chest, hugging her close to him. “You don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to, Ames-”

“I don’t think he would’ve been quite so mad,” she interrupted. “If it weren’t for my lipstick being all smudged from… And he’d asked if you lived with me, because he’d gone into your room, and I told him no, which technically wasn’t a lie at the time, and then he was so mad and he kept saying that it was _you_ , that I was a slut, that my lipstick was smudged because of _your_ mouth, that he lost me because of _you_ , and it didn’t matter to him that we had barely even met each other while Teddy and I were still together, because he had already made up his mind…” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Jake realized that he was holding his breath. He was holding her against his chest, which hadn’t moved in far too long because he couldn’t force himself to take a breath. His role in all of this… It killed him. There were so many things that he could’ve done differently, but he couldn’t change those things, now. 

She pulled out of his arms and looked at his face. “And I liked you. But the first time we got in a fight, the first thing I did was go find some other guy. And if it hadn’t been for Kylie, I-”

Jake was laughing now. He was trying to stifle the laughter, especially when she looked at him with confusion in her eyes, but he just couldn’t stop. That was hands down the silliest shit he had ever heard. “Amy, you think I’m upset that you kissed somebody?”

Amy blinked wildly at him. “You’re not?” 

He laughed again. “I mean, it’s not my favorite thing we’ve ever talked about, but-” he stopped, then looked at her more seriously. “Wait, you liked me?” 

Her eyes widened at that, then her eyebrows drew together again. “I mean, I…” 

Jake’s laughter erupted out of him. He sank down into her bed, pulling the blanket over his face in an attempt to protect her from the laughter that he just _couldn’t_ break out of. She was laughing too when he peeked out from under the blanket at her. 

“Amy, we _just_ had sex. I think it’s okay for you to admit that you liked me.” 

She stopped laughing, but continued looking down at him. “Well what if I still do?” 

The grin that broke onto his face was almost painfully wide. “Do you?” 

She bit her lip. “I might.” 

He chuckled at this and sat back up, already more animated than he had been seconds earlier. “Wait, so if you _might_ like me, how come you agreed to friends with benefits?” 

She shrugged. “I thought that’s what you wanted.” 

He tipped his head back in laughter. “I thought that’s what _you_ wanted.” 

“Why would I want that?”

“I don’t know! That’s why I made the joke, I didn’t think you’d ever agree to it. Why would _I_ want that?” She shrugged and they were both laughing. “Wait, so let me get this straight… We both agreed to being friends with benefits when _neither of us_ actually wanted to be friends with benefits?” 

He was laying down on the bed, practically hysterical. She leaned against him in her laughter. “We’re so fucking dumb.” 

He held his hand up for a high five. “Yeah we are!” He said it like he was proud. He _was_ proud. If he got to be dumb with Amy Santiago, he’d call that a win.

She rolled over onto his chest to look at him, smiling now. “So what does this mean?” 

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed a chaste kiss against her lips, smiling against them when he was done. “I guess it means we should go get in the shower,” he kissed her again. 

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “Hmm, together? Saving water? I like your style.” 

He raised his eyebrows back at her. “Although it probably doesn’t count as saving water if we’re in there twice as long because we’re _distracted_ , does it?” 

She giggled into the next kiss that she gave him. “Why the sudden desire to take it to the shower? Why not stay right here?” 

He smirked at her. “Because I’m going to take my girlfriend on a date.” 

She was beaming at him and his heart had never felt so full. “Oh, can I meet her?” 

Jake rolled his eyes adoringly at her. 

“What?” She asked, looking at him innocently. “You never asked _me_ to be your girlfriend, so I thought maybe I just hadn’t met her yet.” 

He sat up with her still on top of him, pulling her legs on either side of him so that she was straddling his lap. His hands slowly made their way up her back until he was holding her, one hand on her lower back with the other arm wrapped around her, fingers tangling into her wavy hair. 

“Amy Santiago,” he spoke quietly, clearly. He paused to press a gentle kiss against her lips. “Will you be my girlfriend?” 

Instead of answering him, she kissed him more deeply, grinding closer to his body as she did. He thought that was a pretty good answer, but he still wanted to hear her say it. 

He broke the kiss with a laugh and whispered, “Can that be the title of my sex tape?” 

She laughed with him, and when she responded, they both knew that she was answering both questions. “Yes.” 

So he lifted her up, carrying her with him to the shower.

~~so he could hear her say his name again~~  
~~so they could save water together~~  
**so they could prepare for their first date**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I give you a lil anxiety with my warning at the beginning? 
> 
> :) 
> 
> Love you dummies. I keep saaaaying to trust the process. :)


	26. Northern Downpour Sends Its Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter really has over 7,000 words, huh?
> 
> I guess that's what you guys get since I've kept you waiting so long. 
> 
> Title from Panic! at the Disco's Northern Downpour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE END GUYS 
> 
> Also I didn't edit this because I didn't feel like reading the entire thing so don't come for me if it's looking crazy alright? 
> 
> There are also at least three lil easter eggs in here. Points if you catch them. :-)

“So,” Jake began, propping his feet up on the edge of the bathtub. He was sitting on the bathroom floor watching Amy get ready in the mirror. He smiled as he watched her, but shook his head at all of the extra time she spent working on her appearance when she was absolutely perfect the way that she was, straight out of the shower. 

“This is either going to the best date of your life,” he paused for emphasis until she finally turned to look at him. 

“Or…?” 

“Or the worst date of your life.” 

She threw her hands up slightly, laughing at him. “Why would you take me on the worst date of my life?” 

“Two reasons.” She turned back to the mirror and began using some torturous looking tool on her eyelashes. “One being that the worst date is always the most memorable.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s not necessarily true. The best date could be the most memorable, too.”

“Completely disagree. You remember way more details about the worst one, I bet. But that’s irrelevant. Because the other reason is that if I take you on the worst date now, that means our future dates will only get better and better. Set the stakes low so I can really impress you later, ya feel?” 

She tsked at him, but continued preparing herself for the date. Then she added quietly, “It couldn’t be the worst date of my life. I’ll be with you.” 

He laughed. “You wanna bet?” 

The annoyed look she shot at him had him cracking up. He pushed himself up off the floor and made his way over to her, standing behind her and wrapping his arms around her hips. He looked at their reflection as he swayed back and forth with her in his arms, watching as the reflection mirrored the kisses he was pressing against her cheek, along her jaw and down to her neck. 

“Jake, I’m never gonna be ready if you don’t stop.” Her words were strangled by her laughter, and she didn’t make any effort to move out of his grip. 

He smiled and kissed her lips, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. I’m just so happy.” 

She pressed one last kiss against his cheek before she sent him off to the living room so she could finish getting ready in peace. 

\--

“Where are we going?” She asked him for the two hundredth time. 

“Have you ever heard of a surprise before?” 

Amy scoffed. “Heard of them? Yes. Do I want them? Absolutely not. I’m already stressed enough because I let you choose my outfit. What is an outfit like this even for? Not a date.”

“Or the worst date in the world,” he flashed a smile at her. 

He dressed her in plain black leggings and one of _his_ t-shirts. It was important that she wore his shirt and not hers. Why? Just because it made him smile. But she didn’t need to know that. 

He pulled up outside of a building that Amy immediately recognized. She turned to him with wide eyes. 

“Are you joking?” 

He chuckled quietly at her before he got out of the car, running to her side of the car to open her door. “After you, my queen,” he said in an obnoxious voice. 

She shook her head at him. “How am I attracted to you?” 

He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he shut her car door. “Probably a combination of my impeccable sense of humor and also my cute butt. Either way,” he stood in front of her and leaned in for a quick kiss. “Doesn’t matter. You are.” 

Amy sighed as they walked toward the building. She tried not to, but she found herself staring up at the sign. The sign stared back at her, a large mouse with a hat on. _Chuck E. Cheese’s_ the sign read in bright red letters. 

“Hello!” A young woman, younger than the two of them, greeted. 

“Hi!” Jake replied excitedly. 

“Are you here for a birthday party?” 

Amy shot a knowing glance at Jake, who remained unperturbed. “No. We’re here for a date.” 

The young girl’s voice faltered as she stared at him in confusion. “Oh… Okay, I guess? Did you want tokens?” 

Jake laughed. “I want as many tokens as you’ll let me have.” 

Amy tried not to laugh at him as he walked behind her, toting a giant bag full of tokens. 

“What are we even going to do with all of these? There’s no way we’re going to be able to use all of those today.” 

Jake stopped in his tracks and stared at her in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re doubting my abilities. And on our first date?!” She rolled her eyes and kept walking, laughing to herself as she heard his tokens jingling more as he ran to catch up with her. 

“So first,” he explained, “I’m going to beat you in ski-ball. Because as a modern gentleman, I would never _let you_ win.” 

She made a face at him. “You told my brother you were letting me win at Go Fish like two weeks ago.” 

“God, Santiago. Obviously I was lying. Can’t you let me have _anything_?” 

She shrugged. “I guess I can let you have the tickets if you can actually beat me in ski-ball… But you won’t.” 

“Wow. _Wow._ I am learning so much about you, today. Put your balls where you mouth is, Santiago.” She made a face at him and he interrupted her before she could comment. “I know, I know. That was a whole Boyle line. I heard it as soon as I said it.” 

He jammed the tokens into their lanes and waited for the balls to roll toward them. 

“You ready to get your ass kicked?” She playfully remarked before remembering where they were, glancing around to make sure she hadn’t just sworn in front of any children. 

He laughed at her. “Only if you bring that same energy to the bedroom later.” 

He lost 23 of the 30 games that they played. 

“Okay, fine. I’ll give it to you. You’re pretty good at this game. But I bet I can beat you at whack-a-mole.”

It turned out that he could. And whether it was just that they were spending time together or that Chuck E. Cheese was actually a fun place to spend time, completely sober, at the age of twenty-one, she was actually having fun. He knew that he would have fun with her anywhere and was thrilled to see that the same seemed to be true for her. After Amy put up a good fight a few times, he did secretly let her win the final game of whack-a-mole. 

“Okay, come on,” Jake directed. 

“Oh, what, I beat you at _one_ game and suddenly you’re done with whack-a-mole?”

He laughed at her. “No, Ames. I’m just snacky.” 

Amy eyed the pizza buffet carefully as they approached. “You know, I heard that they put extra pizza that families don’t eat out on the buffet table, that’s why their pizzas never line up perfectly. Do you think it’s true?” 

“Only one way to know,” he said morosely. He dipped his hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out a tape measure. 

She was whispering frantically, but still laughing. “Jake! What are you doing? Why do you even have that?” 

He looked at her, shrugging his shoulders like he couldn’t figure out why she was looking at him so strangely. “I’m measuring the pizzas so we can calculate the diameter, obviously.” He _had_ seen the news article about the pizza situation and he _knew_ Amy would be concerned about that. 

She blinked furiously at him, earning a confused ‘what?’ in response. She leaned forward. “I’m so attracted to you right now.” 

After a few moments of studying the slices, Amy decided that they didn’t appear to be from different pizzas, so they each got a few slices and found a table together. 

“Mmmm, display temperature pizza,” Jake practically moaned as he inhaled a giant bite. 

She shook her head at him. “I can’t believe you took me out for cold pizza at a children’s play place for our first date.” 

“Hey,” he warned. “It’s _display temperature._ And I would hardly call this a children’s play place. Do you see any children, here?” 

Amy looked around the building, noting that there weren't any children around. Then she looked at him smugly. “Well, there’s one right here at this table with me.” 

He placed his hand over his heart in mock offense. “How dare you?” He smirked back at her and shoveled another bite of pizza into his mouth. 

He made sure to clean up their table when they were finished, refilling his cup of orange soda before he reiterated the plan for the rest of the date to her.

“Okay. Just a few more things we need to do, Ames.” 

He gestured up to the tubes above them, trailing across the ceiling. “When was the last time you were in those tubes?” 

She scrunched up her nose. “I’m not getting in those tubes.” 

Jake whined. “Why not? It’ll be so fun! Plus I can kiss you in there and none of the employee’s will ever know.” 

“I can name you about fifty reasons why that’s not happening. One is that they probably never clean those things. But the most important reason is that I’m severely claustrophobic. I’m not getting in the tubes.” 

He tilted his head at her. “Huh. I didn’t know that.” But he didn’t let this fact ruin his enthusiasm. “Well then I guess we’ll just have to skip this and move onto the next thing.”

He took her hand in his and immediately ran off, pulling her into his arms and then into his lap as he sat inside of the photo booth, pulling the curtain shut behind them. Before she even had time to process, his lips were on hers. 

_”Jake,”_ she laughed through his kisses. First it was easy for her to stay aware of her surroundings. Yeah, Jake was kissing her, but they were still in a photo booth at Chuck E. Cheese. This is a fact she didn’t think she could forget, because next to them was a large, painted sculpture of the mouse himself who existed solely to take photos with children in this very photo booth that they were making out in. 

It took way less time for her to lose herself in him than she would have guessed. First the little tingles pulled her in. She was perched on top of his lap sideways, his hands exploring every inch of her. She hadn’t even noticed when he pulled his hands away to drop coins into the machine. It wasn’t until the flashing of the camera signalling the first photograph that she caught on, pulling out of the kiss with a bewildered look before finally smiling in the last photo of the set. 

She rolled her eyes at him as the three pictures were flashed on the screen. The first showed her, angled above him due to her placement on his lap. Her right hand cupping his jaw as her left hand pulled through his hair, bringing him closer to her. His left hand curved around her waist, while his right hand formed a thumbs-up to the camera. The second photo revealed Amy, eyebrows raised and mouth slightly agape in surprise as she realized that he had started the camera. Jake’s head was tipped back in laughter. Finally, the third picture, she could admit, was actually cute. The two of them both smiled, Amy still sitting on his lap, head tilted in toward his. His arms were locked loosely around her waist. One of her hands gripped his bicep, while the other rested on his thigh. 

She pulled the tokens away from him and reached in to insert a few more. This time, she moved off of Jake’s lap and onto the Chuck E. statue’s lap. Once the photos were complete, she was practically tearing up at the ridiculous images. Photo one had Jake tossing a ‘how dare you’ look at the mouse, palms facing upward and eyebrows drawn together incredulously. It featured Amy leaning back against the mouse like she was snuggling in. The second photo had Amy making a funny face, sticking her tongue out and crossing her eyes. Jake was looking at her with a genuine smile on his lips. In the third photo, he had acted like he was going to lean in to kiss her on the cheek, but at the last second switched it up and kissed the mouse, leaving Amy with a surprised, but elated face. Her mouth was open wide, teeth showing from the smile that tinted the expression. 

“Get over here,” he commanded seductively, biting his lip as he pulled her back onto his lap. She was straddling him now and every slight movement against his body prompting those little tingles to turn into little shocks. When his lips moved to her neck, those little shocks developed into full waves of desire, washing over her and rendering her incapable of forming a coherent thought. She pulled his lips against hers again and before she knew it, he was eliciting soft moans from her as he shifted her lightly on his hips. His hand was tentatively slipping under her shirt and she was seconds away from delving her hand into his jeans when the curtain was abruptly pulled open, shedding sunlight onto them and startling them both. 

Jake quickly pulled her (his) shirt back down to fully cover her back, flashing a sheepish grin to the short employee that was staring down at them. The man crossed his arms over his red polo.

“You know there’s an external camera, right? It’s basically a little tv where we can see your little _movie_.”

Jake stammered, unsure of what to say to that. He had never seen Amy’s face in quite _that_ shade of red that she was sporting now, and if he hadn’t also been embarrassed, he probably would have teased her about it. 

“Ja-”

“Johnny!” Jake interrupted excitedly. “Yes, Johnny _is_ my name, _Dora_. I was just getting around to telling him that.” He chanced a smile at Amy, who was looking curiously at him, but not refuting anything he’d said. 

“I’m so sorry about that,” Jake continued, Amy still perched on his lap (thankfully, because he was sure the employee would not have loved seeing the visible outline of his dick that Amy was graciously hiding between her thighs). “ We just got engaged,” he offered, beaming at the man.

“You got engaged and you came to Chuck E. Cheese?” 

Amy cut in, now. “Uh, yeah. This is where our first date was. He took me here and I kicked his ass in ski-ball.” The perfect Amy lie. Nothing she said was untrue, but it still painted a picture that was absolutely not accurate to what had actually happened. 

“Just so nostalgic, you know?” Jake wrapped an arm around her waist and looked at her, ignoring the man that was still staring at them. He glanced back over and noticed that the man’s name tag said Bill. Amy bit her lip. She could feel Jake’s gaze on her, but she was refusing to meet it while they were still in that situation. 

“Where is the ring?” He suddenly asked. 

Damn it. Stumped again by the ring. 

“Uh… She has gigantic fingers.” 

Amy shot an annoyed glance at him and the man raised his eyebrows.

“What I mean to say is that the ring I got would never have fit on her fingers, because they are that of a giant, behemoth person…”

Amy slid her fingers in the space between her thighs to hide them from the employee. “Ja- Johnny, you know I’m insecure about them.”

“Well, it was my fault, really. I should have had you sized for a ring before I got it, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.” 

“So let me get this straight… You went on your first date at Chuck E. Cheese. And now you’re engaged, so you came back here… to makeout next to a giant rat?” 

“Well we were looking for somewhere to uh-”

“Boink,” Amy offered quickly, making an apologetic face at Jake’s frantic expression when he was thrown that line. 

“Yep. Boink. That’s my preferred term for it as well.” 

The man laughed at them. “Wow, you must really be in love.”

Jake just looked at Amy wistfully and smiled. “You know, there’s really no one else’s opinion who I care about more than hers, so…” She looked down bashfully, biting her lip to suppress her smile. 

“Well, you two are cute. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We can’t have you copulating in the photo booth. This is a place for _children_.” 

Amy clamped her eyes shut at the word ‘copulating,’ probably trying to think the situation out of existence, but when she failed, she stood up. 

“Awh,” Jake whined. “Can we at least cash in our tickets?” 

The man shrugged. “I guess so.” 

Amy shook her head at him, a smile plastered on her face. “You’re ridiculous. I’m going to wait for you outside.”

\--

“I can’t believe we got caught like that.” She said when he stepped outside. 

He immediately dropped down on one knee, presenting Amy with a plastic looking ring with a large fake diamond on it. 

“Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes. Because we’re already doing it.” 

She shook her head at him, laughing. “Yes.” He slid the ring on her finger and then jumped up to kiss her, twirling her around with him. Once he broke away, she looked at him seriously. “Seems interesting that a lot of your cover stories involve you asking me to marry you, doesn’t it?”

“Whaaat?” He stretched the word out, making it much more exaggerated than it needed to be. “I’m not? I don’t know what you mean?” 

“God, Jake. I just feel like a few hours into the relationship is a bit early for the marriage talk…”

He could tell that she was joking, but he couldn’t explain why despite that, the conversation made it difficult for him to breathe. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and forged ahead with his plan. 

“So. Technically you were right, I guess.” He held up the bag of tokens, still about a quarter of the way full. “We didn’t use all the tokens. Although we would have, if you hadn’t attacked me in that photo booth…” 

She laughed. “ _I_ attacked _you_? You’re the one who pulled me in there, the one who kissed me, _and_ the one who pulled me into your lap. What did you expect to happen?” 

He raised his eyebrows innocently. “I thought you would be the one who was in control of yourself.” He shrugged his shoulders, then teasingly added. “I mean, come _on_ , Santiago. We were at Chuck E. Cheese!” When she threw her arms up, but didn’t say anything, he laughed and continued. “Plus you thought I was going to be able to watch you walking around in my shirt all day and I wouldn’t be thinking about pulling it off of you?” 

“Ohhhh,” she hummed, realization hitting her. “So _that’s_ why you made me wear this shirt?” 

He bit his lip. “I mean, I made you do it because it was really cute… But it turns out that it brings out more than one emotion in me.” 

She stuck her tongue out at him briefly before stepping forward and catching him in a kiss. As she pulled away, hands clasped behind his neck, she smiled. “So what’s next on the worst date ever list?” 

“Well first, I would just like to point out that I’ve already achieved the worst date ever because we got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese before we made it into the ball pit.” He pouted momentarily, then rolled his eyes. “But next is people watching.” 

Amy raised an eyebrow, waiting expectantly for him to continue. Of course, he smirked at her silently. “People watching?” 

“People watching,” he repeated, ducking out of her arms and taking her hand as he walked in the opposite direction of the car. 

“But, Jake-”

“People watching.” 

When she realized that was all she was going to get from him, she quieted and just fell in step with him. The air was warm, but not as humid as it had been. It was a nice day. Warm enough that the occasional breeze was readily welcomed, but not so warm that holding Jake’s hand felt uncomfortable. 

\--

“So… Are you nervous about joining the academy?” 

Jake looked away from her, still licking his too-gigantic ice cream cone. She scoffed. “God, the fact that your ice cream hasn’t dripped a single time is very impressive.” 

“Huh,” he was waggling his eyebrows suggestively at her. “You think my tongue is impressive?” He licked his lips and jutted his tongue out at her, as if he was showing it off. 

She laughed. “Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of how impressive all the attention you were giving to that big, long-”

“Noice,” Jake interrupted. “An Amy Santiago Dick Joke. Noice.” But he still raised his eyebrows suggestively at her as he slowly wrapped his tongue around it. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t get her attention just _a little_ more than usual. He kissed her, making no effort to rid his mouth of the chocolate ice cream staining his lips. 

“Ew, Jake, c’mon.” She pouted her lip at him, his ice cream staining his perfect view. He leaned in and licked it off of her lips. “Jaaaaake,” she whined loudly. 

“ _What!?_ You have no problem with me licking your lips when there’s no food involved.” He paused to chase a stray drip from his cone. “You just haven’t been properly introduced to the world of food as a sex-”

“Briefcase, to your left,” Amy interrupted in a low voice. Jake narrowed his eyes, following her directions. 

“What’re you thinking?”

“Secret service,” she nodded seriously. 

“Secret service? I don’t see Obama, do you?” 

Amy rolled her eyes. “Secret service do more than just protect the president. Besides, Jake. Obama’s not-”

“Shhhh, don’t say that.” He shook his head morosely, then turned back to look at the man. “Then what is he doing here?” 

They stared over at a man, black button-down shirt clad, and looking extra-uncomfortable in the heat. He wore dark sunglasses and an earpiece. His briefcase was held snug against his side. He opted to hold the entire case instead of using the handle. 

“He’s here to assist the FBI in tracking the next-”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Ames. Look at him again.” 

Amy looked curiously at the man, who was throwing suspicious glances around the park. 

“He’s a drug dealer,” Jake proclaimed proudly. “Some may suggest just weed, but that’s clearly not all he has. Not in that briefcase, anyway. I’m thinking oxy. Maybe some kind of new drug. He’s an innovator.” 

Amy scoffs. “What about him makes you think _that_?”

“That he’s an innovator?”

“Ugh, no. That he’s a drug dealer.” 

Jake turns back to look at the man, hair dishevelled. Much too long for that of a secret service member. “He’s not discrete at _all_. Couldn’t be a secret service member.” 

Amy twists her face up at that. She’s still watching the man as Jake continues to explain himself. 

“Not only that. Look at his shoes. How many secret service members do you think wear Air Jordan 12 OVOs?” He jutted his chin to the side without looking at the man. “Those are $6,000 sneakers, Santiago. And I don’t know exactly what secret service members make, but I would bet that it wasn’t $6,000 sneakers money, based on, ya’know, our country’s infrastructure crumbling and all ‘at.” 

He caught Amy’s horrified look and followed her gaze, back toward the man. Sure enough, he was ‘discretely’ passing a dimebag to a man seated across from him at a picnic table. Jake whooped loudly, catching the attention of practically everyone in the park, particularly the drug dealer that they had been staring at, to which he and Amy both ducked in the other direction. He was snickering quietly as she smacked him on the arm. 

“That’s three points for Jake,” he couldn’t keep the giant smile off his face as he teased her with this. 

“Jake, we literally just watched a man sell drugs at a local park, and you think this is funny?” 

Jake bit his lip, trying to suppress his smile. “A little.” 

She glared at him as her own smile crept onto her face involuntarily. 

“So I’m in the lead again, right?” 

She sighed. They were playing a game. People watching. They were making up stories for the people they saw around them. It started that you got one point if your story made the other person laugh, two points for the ‘better’ story. Better was an interesting term, because neither of them really knew what they meant by that. The funnier story? The more realistic story? They weren’t sure, but up to this point, they had agreed on who won each round, so it hadn’t mattered yet. They had essentially abandoned the one-point rule because they hadn’t _stopped_ laughing. The third rule was added almost jokingly, but Jake was glad that he made it up, now. Three points if you find out that you’re right about any part of your story. 

The stakes? Whoever won got to choose whose bed they were sleeping in that night. The choice was going to be difficult for him, really. She had never been in his bed before. She wanted to keep it that way. 

_”Jake, it’s not that I don’t want to get in your bed…”_

_”It’s just that you don’t want to get it my bed.”_

_He was splayed out semi-comfortably on his bed when she walked in the room to ask him about something. They got into a longer conversation, so Jake tapped his bed for her to join him. She looked suspiciously at him, eyes smoothing over the visible lump in the center of the bed._

_”It’s on the **floor**. You don’t even have a bed frame.”_

_”I do, too! It just isn’t here!”_

So from that moment, a week or so earlier, he had been trying to get her in his bed. Not for any sort of sinister reasoning, simply because she really didn’t want to get in his bed. And he knew that the situation was much worse than the fact that it was on the floor. There was also the problem of the lumps, which he had lovingly nicknamed ‘Good Lump’ and ‘Bad Lump’. Amy would get Good Lump, of course. He wasn’t a monster. 

While he had been hypothesizing ways to get her into his bed, just to show her that the Lumps weren’t as bad as she clearly thought they were, he hadn’t actually come up with anything reasonable to do it. And he wasn’t suggesting that _this_ was the reason he had asked her to be his girlfriend… Because _that_ would be crazy… But it was convenient that he had a viable reason to suggest she climb into the bed with him, now. Even more convenient was the fact that he was now winning this game. 

Amy had previously been in the lead by two points. They’d both won a variety of funny points before cancelling that rule, but then Amy won two in a row. Her story of a teenage couple auditioning for an MTV reality show beating out his story about a promposal and her story about an old woman coming to the park daily, hoping to run into his murderer to avenge her husband’s death beating out his story about the woman coming to feed pigeons. But with this win, the _accuracy_ of what he’d said set him one point above her. 

“And let’s just check the clock,” Jake bit his lip as he hit the home button on his phone, quickly pulling up the timer. “Oh, god. Forty-five seconds left, Santiago. What’re you gonna do?” 

She sighed at him, seemingly completely ignoring his question. “You never answered me, earlier. Are you nervous about the academy?” 

He locked his phone screen and tentatively met her gaze with his own. He shrugged. “I don’t know. A little. I kind of feel ready for it, you know? But it’ll be different.” 

“Different how?” 

He shrugged once again. “It’s a six month program, and it’s pretty serious, ya’know? I don’t know what that means for life outside of the program… Not sure what it means for-” He trailed off, looking away from her. 

“Oh,” she said quietly, taking in what he meant by that. 

He reached across the table and took her hand in his. “But hey. I don’t want it to mean anything. Six months is kind of a long time, but the academy won’t take up _all_ my time. And I don’t have to live there or anything, yaknow? It’s just that things will be a little different.” 

She nodded, smiling slightly at him. 

“But, uhm… There was something else I thought we should talk about. On the topic of where I have to live.” He leaned back, cupping the back of his neck with his hand uncomfortably. 

“What is it?” 

“Well… Now that we’re…” He gestured between the two of them. “Ya’know… _together_... Would it be better if I moved out of your apartment?” 

She frowned, craning her neck to the side. “Oh… I mean… I don’t know?” 

They both looked at each other uncomfortably. “I’ve never, like, lived with a girlfriend before…” 

“Yeah, I haven’t ever lived with a boy before. That wasn’t related to me, I mean.” 

He laughed quietly. “Yeah, you’ve got a lot of experience living with guys, huh?” 

“And you have Gina,” she reminded. He nodded quickly, chewing on his lip while he waited. What was he even waiting for? Some sort of response from her? Maybe for a useful thought to pop into his head? 

“Look,” she finally said, breaking their uncomfortable silence. “If you want to move back in with Gina, I get it. It’s a new relationship and that’s moving pretty fast… And I’ll be fine if you leave. He- Teddy’s… Gone. For now, at least. We don’t have to worry about any of that while he’s in jail.” She smiled a little at him. 

Jake nodded. He was going to leave it at that. It sounded like she wanted him to go. It would be better if he just left, because with them starting a new relationship and all… People don’t move in with their significant others when they’ve been together for a matter of days. But there was really no rule book on what you do if you’re already living with someone when you start the relationship. That would be like if he and Gina started dating. He had lived with her for years. He wouldn’t just find a new place to live because they got together. He and Gina had- Wait… _Ew. What a gross analogy._ Besides, he and Amy had only been living together for a few weeks, so it’s different than changing around a living situation that you’ve been in for years. This is still new on every level. 

“Well… Do you want me to go?” Jake blurted this out without even thinking about it. He stammered, trying to back track. “I… I mean, uh- would it be better for you if I stayed or would you be more comfortable if I moved back out?” 

Amy took a deep breath and looked at the table for a moment. He watched her face, the way she chewed on her lower lip while she thought. She didn’t look back up at him when she began speaking again. 

“I don’t want to pressure you, but I think I would like it if you stayed.” She reluctantly looked up at him, finding a smile already plastered on his face. “You know, we can keep our separate bedrooms, but I just think if things are working for us like this, why change them? We don’t even know if this would cause a problem. Maybe it would cause more problems if we changed what we’re already working with, yaknow? And then with you being gone a lot for the academy soon… I mean, we could probably use the extra time around each other, right?” 

Jake was enjoying watching _her_ ramble uncomfortably for a change. It was nice to be on the other side of that instead of being the one who was unable to stop talking. He was about to stop her, to reassure her that everything was fine, when something changed. 

People around them started leaping up from where they were sitting, running away from the park. Jake looked up, the sky clear and blue. But despite what the sky was telling him, large, cold raindrops began pouring down on them. The strangers around them piled into their cars. Amy was looking up at the sky in disbelief, her jaw dropped as the rain was practically soaking them. 

“It was not supposed to rain today!” She yelled, trying to be heard over the sound of water rapidly hitting the pavement. Her hair was sticking to her face, now. “We’re so far from the car.” 

Jake shrugged, unbothered. “That’s fine. This gives me a chance to show you one of my favorite things.” 

“One of your favorite things?” Amy questioned as she stood up, following him away from the park. When he got to the edge of the grass, he turned and pulled her against him. 

She was only caught up in the kiss for a moment, really. His curls lay damp against his forehead, water trickling from his face to hers as he kissed her, his warmth all but making up for the chill that the rain gave her. Among the taste of the water actively falling on them, she could taste chocolate on his lips from the ice cream that he hadn’t finished, choosing to abandon it in a trashcan when the conversation got a little more serious. He held her face with both hands, gentle, but strong. 

As her hands touched at the wet clothes sticking to his body, she thought that she had never wanted him as badly as she did in that moment. His skin felt cold to the touch, but his hands still felt warm on her skin. No amount of cold could take away the heat she felt when he kissed her like that. And she didn’t care what it looked like to anyone around them. She didn’t care that she was at a park, making out with a boy in their soaking wet clothes in public. All she cared about was Jake and the way he made her feel. The feeling that she had to chase when he was gone, but that was always there the second he walked into the room, lighting her up with his smile and his words. 

When they finally broke apart, she giggled. “Wow, Jake. I know you said this would be the worst date ever, but I didn’t think you meant _cliche kisses in the rain_ bad.” She smiled and gave him a soft peck on the lips, squinting to avoid letting the rain get in her eyes. “How very _the Notebook_ of you.” 

He scoffed, but didn’t let her go. “How dare you disrespect the Notebook!” He shook his head and let her go, raising his fist to his chest in a dramatic fashion, mirroring the dramatic tone his voice took on. “And to think I could have loved you like McAdams loves _Gosling_.” 

She laughed. “Why are _you_ McAdams in this scenario?” 

His face screwed up as he tried to rethink the words he’d said. She laughed at his confusion , which got him looking at her mischievously. 

“Hmm,” Amy hummed, staring back at him and trying to match his expression. “And kissing me in the rain is one of your favorite things?” 

He stepped closer to her slowly, almost seductively. “Oh, Amy,” he said quietly, a dark quality overtaking his voice. “I would kiss you in a _dumpster._ ” He leaned in to accentuate this point with a soft kiss against her lips. “But that’s _not_ what I was going to show you.” 

This moment passed so slowly, though it was a matter of a few very short seconds. Amy still had her eyes closed, craning closer to him in hopes that he would kiss her again. Her lips still felt warm from the contact where his lips had just been when he whispered, “This is.” 

And then, faster than she could possibly process, they were on the ground. 

She squealed as he pulled her into the mud puddle that was quickly growing in the middle of the grass, encouraged more by the second by the torrential downpour. 

“Jake, what are you-” She gasped as he flung a handful of thick mud at her. “I can’t believe you just did that!" 

He was growing more concerned, her expression giving away a little bit of anger. She placed her hands on the ground to get up, but as she lifted off of the ground, her hands came back down rapidly, flinging mud back at him. He gasped back at her, leaning back and laying in the mud puddle as he tried to avoid getting hit in the face with the mud. 

Then she was laughing, rushing toward him and landing in the mud with a _squish_. She was kissing him again, pretending she didn’t feel him intentionally getting more mud on her. Then she quickly raised her hands up, swiping mud onto his cheek and over his jawline. He pulled away from her, laughing wildly as he tried to wipe the mud off of his face with his muddy hands, only smearing more mud onto his skin. 

“Oh, that’s it, Santiago.” He leaned forward, a playful smirk on his lips as he crawled toward where she was trying to make her escape. He pulled her into his arms and laid back, rolling and releasing her with a _smack_. She was in the mud, the front side of her body down, covered everywhere but her face. 

“Rookie mistake,” she threatened back. “Now I have nothing left to lose.” 

He quickly accepted his fate, opening his arms to her as she made her way on top of him. She was straddling his hips, bent down and kissing him. He was back to lying in the mud, his hands vigorously exploring her back. He laughed into the kiss. 

“You’re wrong. You have _something_ left to lose.” He started sliding her shirt slowly up her back, pressing his muddy hands directly against her skin. To his surprise, she didn’t stop him. 

“Bet you won’t,” she dared quietly, eyes intense on his. 

He shook his head slightly, smiling wider. “You know I will. And you can’t get mad at me when I do, if you’re daring me.” 

She pressed a kiss against his lips, quick and hard. “I bet you won’t.” 

He looked at their surroundings, some cars still lining the parking lot, surely full of people. Some people probably with their phones out, cameras intent on the couple that were wrestling in the mud. That was probably true even before they found themselves making out, covered in slippery mud, but it must have been especially true, now. 

“You’re right,” he said quietly, sitting up and pulling her in for a softer, more chaste kiss. “I won’t. Not right now, anyway.” 

She pouted as he lifted her with him while he stood, placing her on the ground and taking her hand. “Let’s get you home so we can get you out of those clothes.” 

\-- 

“So, what do you think? Worst date ever?” Jake asked. 

He was perched on the bathroom floor again, watching her blow dry her hair. He had helped her to wash all of the mud out of her hair and off of every other part of her body, taking extra care in _some_ places. They still hadn’t saved any water, unfortunately. 

Amy laughed. “Well, I wouldn’t say _that_.” 

Jake scoffed. “Let’s recount the day, shall we? I took you to Chuck E. Cheese for our first date, which we got kicked out of before we even got to go in the _ball pit_.” He wrinkled his eyebrows, like that should have been enough on its own to convince her. “I beat you in the game we were playing, which you know exactly what that means,” he wiggled his eyebrows at her, proud that he got to choose where they slept _together_ for the night. 

“We talked about marriage _and_ moving in together. Technically, I proposed to you. We watched a drug deal go down.” Amy grimaced at this, and he laughed. “Then it unexpectedly rained on us and I covered you in mud. And that wasn’t the worst date you’ve ever been on?” 

Amy shut off her blow dryer, unplugging the cord and wrapping it up before she responded. She turned toward him, walking over to where he was seated as she spoke. 

“Well, on paper, it sounds like a terrible date. Also, you’re forgetting the part where you practically tried to feed me ice cream out of your mouth.” 

She settled into his lap and he pressed a happy kiss onto her as she met his playful eye contact. “You loved it,” he added softly. 

“Mmmm,” she hummed, not disagreeing, he noted. “You’re forgetting one thing.” 

He closed his eyes as she kissed him again, relishing in the moment, her lips on his while they sat on the bathroom floor together. _This_ was what perfect felt like. It had to be. 

“And what would that one thing be?” He asked when they finally broke apart. 

“I was on a date with _you_.” 

And this sentence alone would have made him happy enough, but that’s not what would make this a moment that he was going to remember for the rest of his life. The smile on her face as she proudly proclaimed that she was on a date with _him_ is what made this moment so memorable. Her lips were pulled into the most stunning smile he had ever seen, and that was saying a lot considering he had seen her smile an insurmountable amount of times. 

Amy Santiago deserved the world. And he knew that right now, he couldn’t give it to her. Not really, at least. But he could give her Chuck E. Cheese dates. He could give her display temperature pizza and silly games to bet on. He could give her kisses in photo booths, in parks, in the car, and on the bathroom floor. He could give her plastic rings and ice cream kisses. He could give her dirty mud fights and even _dirtier_ showers. 

But most importantly, he could give her _him_. And to her, that seemed to be enough. 

That was the final thought that was in his mind as he fell out of awareness, snuggled in Amy’s bed (because he couldn’t give her the world, but he could at _least_ give her their first night spent together as a couple in her comfortable bed). He dozed out of consciousness with Amy pulled against his chest, already breathing slower as she drifted into her dreams. 

_This._

He thought, for what had to have been the hundredth time that day. 

_This is what perfect feels like._

Because everything with her felt that way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all here for this fluff like I am? I hope so. 
> 
> Okay so I don't have it super planned out yet, but know that the end of this fic IS in sight. I don't want to drag it on too long, and always had a vague idea for how I wanted it to end. That point is coming, so get prepared my lovelies. 
> 
> ALSO thank you so much for following me on this journey! We're at 90K+ words total, which is INSANE. Know that I appreciate each and every single one of you and your time, your comments, and your kudos SO much and I wouldn't be writing if it weren't for all of you.


	27. When Second Chances Won't Leave Us Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Amy go to Shaw's bar with some friends. 
> 
> Plus:
> 
> A game of Truth: Embarrass Jake Edition. 
> 
>  
> 
> _When second chances won't leave us alone, then there's faith in love._
> 
>  
> 
> Title from Kissing in Cars by Pierce the Veil. One of my favorite songs lyrically probably ever lmao. I just love it too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long! Time with friends means I have to write like 5-6 characters in a chapter instead of my typical 2-for-most-of-the-story dynamic. 
> 
> ALSO! Kind of/sort of TW::::: rape? Not exactly but yes. Nothing like graphic, but I didn't want to not tag it in case it's something that would cause problems for someone. It's like two sentences that references something that happened in the past and is uncomfy but is not explicit. Better safe than sorry.

Amy was in front of the mirror again. 

“Okay, Jake. But what’s she _like_?” 

They were in the same position that he found himself in with her all the time. He was sitting on the edge of the bathroom counter, watching her get ready, leaned back against the mirror exasperatedly as he explained _again_ that he didn’t know how to describe Rosa Diaz. 

“Babe, she’s great. You’re gonna like her. But I don’t know what else to say.”

Amy set her curling iron down and snapped her head to look at him. “I just don’t understand how you could have spent all this time with this woman, but you can’t tell me anything real about her.”

He laughed. “Yeah, Amy, I know you don’t understand. You haven’t _met her_ yet. But you’ll understand later.” 

She rolled her eyes and picked up her curling iron, wrapping the final piece around it. She mumbled something unintelligibly under her breath. 

“What was that?” Jake asked, a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. 

She unplugged the curling iron, ignoring him. He pushed himself off of the counter, waiting until she set it down before scooping her into his arms. She grumbled at him and avoided his kisses for a moment, but leaned closer when he moved his lips to her neck. 

His voice was soft as he spoke against her skin. “If I didn’t know any better, I might think that you were _jealous_ ,” he teased before he pressed a kiss against her collarbone. 

Amy scrunched her eyebrows together, pulling away from him to meet his eyes. “I am _not_ jealous.” 

The blush rose into her cheeks, so she turned to inspect herself in the mirror instead of meeting his scrutinizing gaze. He bit his lip to avoid a smile. He had always thought that jealousy was an ugly emotion, but _nothing_ Amy Santiago did was ugly. It warmed his heart to think that she liked him so much that the thought of him spending a lot of time with an unknown, mysterious girl was getting under her skin a little. 

“Ames, c’mon,” he pulled lightly on her wrist until she turned around to face him, an expression of annoyance on her face. “You already know Gina and Charles and they love you. Rosa’s going to love you, too. You have nothing to worry about.” He smiled adoringly at her, squeezing her hand a little. “Plus you look hot as fuck, so that won’t hurt.” 

She smiled at him and rolled her eyes. “What should I wear? We’re going to a bar?” 

“Hmmm,” he hummed quietly, a satisfied, thoughtful sound. “There’s a certain black dress that I haven’t seen you wear in a while…” 

She bit her lip and blushed at the memory, his fingers pulling frantically at the tight fabric as he worked to pull it off of her after a drunken night out. He’d whispered in her ear all night, every time he’d gotten the opportunity, about how she’d never been so sexy and he’d never been so excited to take something off of her.

“Oh, is that the kind of vibe you’re going for tonight?” 

“The vibe I’m going for is _happy_ , which I’m going to be regardless because I’m spending the night with you and my closest friends. Wear anything you want, babe.” He was pulling her into his arms again, pressing kisses all over her face. 

She laughed as she pulled away from him. “What is with you today? You’re so _touchy_.”

“Mmm, are you complaining?” He ran his tongue along her bottom lip, waiting for her to let him in. She did, and then he had her in his arms, lifting her onto the counter and deepening the kiss quickly. She leaned back, pulling away from him and laughing. He moved his lips to her neck, taking care not to focus too long on one spot because he knew Amy’s perfect outfit for meeting his partner from the academy didn’t involve hickies trailed down her neck. 

“Jake, c’mon, I just finished getting ready.” She placed her hands on his face as she made him look at her. 

“I know, and you did a _great_ job. Such a great job-”

She cut him off, ducking away from the kiss he was preparing to pull her into. “ _Thank you_. But I’m gonna have to get ready all over again if we-” He cut her off with a kiss, pulling her hips closer to him. “ _Jake!_ ” 

He groaned softly, leaning his forehead against hers with his eyes closed. “I knooowww.” He sighed. 

“But you’ll have all the time in the world when we get home tonight,” she reminded him quietly, pecking him on the lips once. 

He pulled back and looked at her earnestly. “Have I told you lately that you’re my favorite person?” 

She smiled. “I don’t know, maybe once or twice.” 

He kissed her cheek, now. “I can’t wait for you to meet her, Ames. You’re gonna love her. I really think you two will hit it off.” 

She raised her eyebrows, wanting to ask more questions, but thinking better of it and just smiling at him. His phone rang, startling both of them. He kissed Amy on the tip of her nose quickly, smiling at her as he pulled away to answer. 

“Charles, what’s up?” 

\--

They were in Jake’s car on the way there, now. Jake’s leather jacket was draped over Amy’s shoulders. She _did_ wear that black dress, even though November was perhaps a little too cold for the mid-thigh area that it hugged. 

Amy shivered, grateful for the heat blasting out at her. “Maybe it was a little too cold to wear this tonight.” 

Jake glanced over at her reassuringly. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep you warm. Promise.” As he said this, he placed his hand on her thigh. He inched up slowly, dipping just below her dress and squeezing the inside of her thigh lightly. The shiver that travelled down her spine had nothing to do with the cold and everything to do with the warmth of his fingers trailing against her skin. 

Suddenly she was feeling _very_ warm. 

The chill of the evening air left her at a comfortable temperature as they walked into a bar that she had never been to. She had heard about Shaw’s from Jake, as he and some of the other recruits had gone together a few times. It was a local police bar, though it wasn’t near any of the precincts in the area. Jake hypothesized that this was due to the environment that the owner created. It was a place worth travelling for. 

She glanced around the bar to see a lot of people of varying ages, almost all considerably older than she and Jake. She suddenly felt self-conscious. It was less than a year earlier when Jake had snuck her into a bar (once), with a fake ID. Of course, she was of age, now, but that didn’t distract her from the jittery feeling she got knowing that she was in a bar full of cops and she had once _broken a law_. 

Jake placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her toward the direction he was heading. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t push memories of the first night she’d been around him outside of a study date. He’d pressed his hand to her lower back that same way as he led her into his closet mid-anxiety attack. She looked at him, a gentle smile on his lips. “It’s fine, babe.” 

He knew her so well. They had been dating for about four months now. And you could say that things were getting pretty serious. Pretty serious in that they had almost abandoned his bedroom completely. Most nights were spent together in her bed, though every now and then he did sleep in his own bed. If you asked her, that was simply to keep up the semblance of that being _his_ room. If he still slept there sometimes, that meant they weren’t officially sharing a room. Right? 

They were approaching a table now, and she knew it was the right one because Gina and Charles were already sitting there. Gina was leaning across the table, talking animatedly to a woman who appeared to be only mildly interested. She had black hair that hung in wild curls. There was a scar cutting into her right eyebrow, making the tension in them _that much_ more intimidating. If Amy had been nervous to meet Rosa Diaz before, she didn’t even know what to call herself now. All she knew was that she was _very_ ready to get some alcohol in her system. 

“Jake! Amy!” Charles shouted when he saw them. “About _time_! I was starting to think you weren’t coming.” 

Amy rolled her eyes exaggeratedly at Jake. “What? Charles, we’re on time!”

“Yeah, but you’re with _Amy_. Amy’s _always_ early.”

And they _would have been_ early, as she wanted to be, but Jake whined that he was _sooo hungry_ right before it was time for them to leave. He started digging through the kitchen cabinets, trying to find something, anything, because “Ames, I can’t help that I’m snacky!” She stood by the door with arms crossed, a scowl on her face, but when he finally emerged, twizzler hanging sideways out of his mouth while he bit his lip, she couldn’t help but to smile and roll her eyes at him. 

“Ames,” Gina shouted, flashing an annoyed look at Jake and then jumping up to pull her to the other side of Rosa, where she then sat down. Jake took Gina’s old seat next to Charles, looking at Amy apologetically. She was now sandwiched between Rosa, aka intimidation station, and Gina, aka…. Actually, she still wasn’t really sure what to say about Gina. 

“ _So_ ,” Gina began again, “what drink Amy are we going to see tonight? Are we going for six? The elusive six-drink-Amy? The sasquatch?” She was talking quickly, and quite frankly, Amy was already feeling a little overwhelmed. 

Gina had created this drink-scale system for her. So far, they had made it to five-drink-Amy on a few different occasions. That was the overly confident persona, the one where she bet Jake that she could eat more sour patch kids than him. Breaking news: she couldn’t. She was sick from more than just a hangover the following morning. 

She glanced over to Rosa, who was looking at her, confusion clear in her features. Amy smiled awkwardly. “Hi, you must be Rosa. I’m Amy.” 

Rosa’s expression did not falter, but she accepted Amy’s hand that was extended toward her, shaking it firmly. “Diaz,” she said quietly, her voice somehow coming through as very strong despite the low volume. 

Amy nodded, unsure of what to say next, and glanced toward Jake, who was giving her an encouraging smile. 

“So, what were you all up to before the party got here?” Jake was glancing between everyone at the table. 

“Well, I was suggesting that we order some food for the table-”

“Ooh, yes. _Food_ , that sounds great,” Jake interrupted Charles. 

Amy laughed. “Jake, you literally just ate before we left the house.”

“He never _stops_ eating,” Rosa interjected. 

Amy tried to ignore the little pang she felt inside her at Rosa’s words. She wasn’t necessarily wrong. It was just the fact that she was making decisive comments about _her_ boyfriend. She wasn’t jealous. Maybe it had more to do with how uncomfortable she was, stuck between the two people who intimidated her the most while Jake was across the table. And no, believe it or not, his foot rubbing against her calf was _not_ comforting. 

It was comforting, though, when he passed her a drink that she hadn’t even seen him order. She happily pulled it over to her, sipping gratefully. 

“Ohhhh shit,” Gina said quietly. “We about to get spacey up in here.” 

\--

Amy was on her third drink when a voice she didn’t recognize boomed into their space. 

“Rosa, Rosa, Rosaaaaaa,” a loud, deep singing came. Rosa’s boyfriend? She looked around the room, trying to locate the source of the sound. As soon as she saw him, she knew: Doug Judy. 

He made his way to the table, Rosa’s glare becoming more and more annoyed as he got closer. Definitely _not_ Rosa’s boyfriend, it seemed. Actually, she kind of thought there was a little something going on between Rosa and Gina when they’d walked up, if she didn’t know any better. Since Amy was now sat in between them, their interactions were much less obvious than before. 

“Who’s this?” Amy asked, louder than usual. It was just because of the music, though. As it had gotten later, the lights had been dimmed and the music had gotten louder. 

“Oh my god, Peralta!? Is this Amy Santiago?!” He reached out and took her hand, raising it to his lips and kissing it. She couldn’t stop the grimace that came across her face at that. “Doug Judy,” he announced. “I’m sure you’ve heard all about me.” 

“Yeah,” Rosa laughed. “The police recruit drop-out turned piano lounge singer.” 

“Hey, you forgot international smush captain!” 

“Here’s what I don’t get,” Rosa continued. “Why would you try to join the academy knowing that you wouldn’t pass your drug test?” 

He shrugged. “I thought we were over weed being an illegal drug. It’s 2019, I thought I could do both. Plus Peralta made it sound so cool! I thought I could be the Hans Gruber to his John McClane.” 

“What!? No, Judy! Hans Gruber is the _bad guy_! Did you even pay attention when I made you watch Die Hard?!” 

Rosa rolled her eyes, turning back toward Amy. “You want another drink?” 

Amy nodded, walking with Rosa to the bar. She thought maybe Rosa wanted to talk to her when she twisted her head in a way that suggested she wanted Amy to follow her, but the walk was silent. She ordered their drinks quietly, then turned back to Amy. She must have been scrutinizing her, because Rosa simply said, “I figured I’d save you from Judy.” 

“Oh, come _on_ ,” Jake’s voice came from behind her. His arm snaked around Amy’s waist. “He’s not _that_ bad. I like him.” Rosa raised her eyebrows and made a face at Jake’s arm around Amy’s waist, but then turned back to the bar. 

“How many drinks have you had, Ames?” 

She thought for a moment. “I think three.” 

“And you’re getting another?” 

She raised her eyebrows mischievously, then nodded. He bit his lip and tilted his head to the side. They both knew what that meant, based on Gina’s system. 

“Okay, follow-up question: Do you want me to get you home as quickly as possible, or get another drink in you as quickly as possible? Ya’know, if things get… _out of hand_.”

She could feel her cheeks heating up, though she was sure he couldn’t tell because there was already a light blush coloring her cheeks due to all the alcohol she’d consumed. She shrugged her shoulders. “I think I want to stay. I’m having fun.” 

Jake smiled and glanced at Rosa, whispering now. “You love her, right?!” 

She smiled and nodded back. 

Then Rosa was turned back around facing them. She made a disgusted sound. “Ugh, you guys, get a room.” 

Amy smiled shyly, but Jake just pulled her closer, grinning at Rosa as he pressed kisses against Amy’s neck. 

“Listen, if you need me to help you get away from this guy, too, just say the word.” She thought Rosa was joking, but she couldn’t really tell because there wasn’t even the slightest hint of a smile on her face. Amy laughed anyway, and Rosa carried their drinks back to the table. 

“So, how you feeling?” 

Jake was honestly more into this whole drink count thing than even Gina was. It was like an experiment to him. He always wanted to change the stakes, to give her different drinks, just to see what happened. Did beer affect her differently than liquor? He thought so, but Gina disagreed. He checked in on her extra when she was drinking, and while she was sure that most of that genuinely had to do with how she was actually doing, she was sure that a little part of it was related to the little game they’d made of it.

“I’m not feeling that dancey if that’s what you’re asking.” 

He pressed his tongue into his cheek. “Huh. Okay, okay, okay…” Then he pulled her back toward the table, leaving her there and going off in a different direction. 

Doug was now sitting at the table with them. Charles was looking at him with an eyebrow raised. “You mean to tell me that you put _doritos_ on peanut butter _sandwiches_? And you think that’s… _acceptable_?”

“Acceptable? It’s the best! You gotta try it. Don’t knock it before you try it, man. You know-” 

“Oh my god, I love this song!” Amy and Doug both exclaimed at the same time. 

Before anybody has a chance to say anything else, Amy is pushing away from the table, dancing into the middle of the dancefloor. Jake meets her there, grinning wildly. 

“Thought you weren’t feeling dancey, Santiago,” he teased. She pulled him in for a quick kiss, then danced a little further away from him. 

“You know I love this song, it’s not a fair fight!”

Jake’s laughing at her, an eyebrow raised as he looks between the rest of their friends and Amy’s goofy dance moves. Doug Judy takes that as his invitation to join them on the dancefloor. He walked over to Amy, standing next to her and working to match her ridiculous dance moves. This has everyone laughing, even Rosa. The rest of the group joined them, everyone dancing around with Amy until they were all tired. 

Amy felt so warm and fuzzy. She loved being this level of tipsy. The warmth touched every part of her body, emanating from her chest and just radiating all the way to the tips of her toes. She felt so lovey, so full of life and giggly. 

Until she felt that fourth drink, that is. 

“Maybe we should play a game,” Gina suggested. 

“A game? What kind of game?” Charles asked. 

“A drinking game?” Rosa added.

Amy was snuggled into Jake’s side now, slid into the booth part of the table. “Why don’t we play like, seven minutes in heaven or something?” Amy suggested. 

Everyone looked at her, but she was just busy looking at Jake, eyebrows raised suggestively. “Yep,” he said quietly. “Right on cue.” 

“There’s our favorite pervert,” Gina laughed. “Actually, Ames, I have a different idea for a game. Why don’t we play truth?” 

“Truth?” Amy asked exasperatedly. “What about dare?” 

“Nope,” Gina shook her head. “No dares. Only truth.” 

Amy grimaced. “Well why would I want to play truth if there’s no chance that someone’s going to dare Jake to take me in the bathroom and-”

“Ooookay,” Jake cut in loudly. “ _Love_ where that was going, but maybe you should have another drink, Ames.” 

“Awh, so soon?!” Gina pouted toward them. Rosa was laughing at this, Amy noticed. She looked toward Jake, a similar pout on her own mouth. 

“Yeah, Jake. You don’t like it when I’m like this?” 

Jake immediately raised his eyebrows, making eye contact with her like nobody else was there. “Of _course_ I like you like this, but-”

“So it’s decided,” Rosa said slowly. “Everybody likes Amy like this, _Amy_ likes Amy like this… So let’s play a game of Truth: Embarrass Jake Edition.” 

Gina turned to Rosa with a huge smile on her face. “I like the way you think, Diaz.” 

\--

“Okay, first question: What’s the weirdest thing Jake does in the bedroom?” 

Jake scoffed. “I don’t do anything weird in the bedroom. My moves are all-”

Amy cut him off. “Powdered sugar.” 

“Powdered sugar?!” Charles practically shouted. 

She turned toward Jake, his eyes locked on her face and his jaw completely dropped. He was blushing furiously, but Amy just smiled. 

“Yeah, powdered sugar. The first time happened because he brought a powdered donut into bed, which, of course we got into a fight about. But then he dropped some crumbs on me and they went down my shirt, so he had to get them off _somehow_ … And then he just brought plain powdered sugar in.” She shrugged. 

Rosa looked like she was tucking that information away, probably to use at a later date to make fun of him at the academy. Everyone at the table erupted into giggles, teasing Jake and only developing that blush on his cheeks to a deeper color. He suddenly wished he had opted for an uber instead of deciding to be the _very sober_ designated driver. 

“So he puts powdered sugar… _confectioner’s sugar_ … _on you_? And then he-”

“Licks it off,” Amy interrupted Charles, finishing his sentence. She looked at him seriously, eyebrows raised, and reached into the bowl in front of them to grab a peanut. 

“Don’t act like you don’t like,” he grumbled at her, pouting his lips a little as he spoke. 

Amy bit her lip and turned toward him. “I _never_ said I didn’t like it.” 

“Damn, Amy’s a freak,” Judy said pointedly. 

“Okay,” Charles laughed giddily as he prepared his question, “how many children are you going to have after you two get married?!” 

Amy grimaced at him. 

“C’mon, man,” Jake sighed. 

Gina threw a peanut at him. “Shut up, Charles. That’s not the point of this game!”

Charles sighed. “I’m just saying! When Jake has a baby, that baby will be my best friend, and I want to plan so that I can have a baby at the same time and then our babies can be best friends and I can be Jake’s baby’s best friend and Jake can be my baby’s best friend and-” 

Jake was laughing, but he pushed Charles on the shoulder. “We get it, Charles. Everyone’s best friends. No babies for a long time.” 

“Weirdest thing _you_ do in the bedroom?” Doug asked, looking at Amy. 

Jake narrowed his eyes at him. “I don’t know if I like that you asked that question.” Doug smirked back, raising his eyebrows suggestively. 

Rosa was laughing now. “She doesn’t have to answer. I’ve seen Jake with his shirt off, I’ve seen the marks.” 

“The marks?” Gina asked. 

“You’ve seen Jake with his shirt off?” Amy’s interest had been captured. Even drunk, she was fully capable of being _not_ jealous. 

“Just that time we had to get tased for the academy,” Rosa laughed at the memory. “Jake ran over to ask me if he had a mark after. He pulled his shirt off and he did have a mark, but not from the taser.” She smirked as she raised her glass to her mouth to take a drink. 

Jake was blushing again. 

“Ohhh, what kind of marks?” Doug was now interested. “Peralta’s into that freaky shit, too?”

“What can I say,” Jake was leaning into the teasing, “I like it when she gets a little rough,” he licked his lips in a way that made everyone at the table, except Amy and Charles, groan. 

Amy leaned over and kissed him in a way that wasn’t super appropriate for the setting, earning more groans from around the table. 

Rosa scoffed at them. “Kissing? Who cares. Call me when you’re grabbing each other’s butts.” 

“Rosa’s turn!” Doug Judy abruptly yelled. “What’s the weirdest thing _you_ do in bed?” 

Rosa scowled in his direction. “You don’t even know my real name, you think I’m going to tell you about what I do in bed?”

“Hey, I don’t have to know your real name to smush!”

Rosa punched Doug in the shoulder.

“Okay, okay,” Gina cut in. “First of all, the point of the game isn’t to talk about everybody’s sex lives. The point of the game is to make Jake blush. Which-” She stopped talking and gestured to Jake, who was in the middle of a pretty PG-13 kiss with Amy, “we seem to be failing at.”

Jake broke the kiss and turned toward them, a calm, bewildered look in his eyes. 

“Wow, Jake,” Charles marvelled as he looked at him, “you look like you just woke up out of a deep sleep and are seeing the world for the first time. Do you look like that every time you kiss?” 

Amy rolled her eyes. “He _looks_ horny.” 

The entire table erupted into laughter, Amy’s face settling into a self-satisfied smirk and Jake’s face turning to the brightest shade of pink. 

“Alright, let’s get another drink in _you_ ,” he slid the drink he’d gotten her closer to her. 

“Wow, is Title of Your Sextape blushing at the prospect of being horny?” Gina teased further. 

Jake made a face at her, sticking out his tongue. “No, Title of Your Sextape is blushing because his girlfriend is saying things in public she wouldn’t normally say and it’s catching him off guard to hear those things from _her_.” 

“Whaaatever,” Amy hummed, finally pulling her fifth drink up to sip on. Jake sighed gratefully. 

\--

“Five Drink Amy!” Gina introduces loudly, extending her arms out toward her in a dramatic fashion. 

“I’m _not_ Five Drink Amy. I’m just regular, normal Amy, who could regular, normal kick Rosa’s ass in karaoke. That’s all I’m saying.” 

That’s how they ended up on stage together. The intro to No Scrubs by TLC rumbling through Shaw’s. The rest of the group stood in the audience, cameras trained on the two women. Both of them were considerably drunk, but Rosa was handling it much better than Amy. She had her arm around Amy’s shoulders to support her. 

Jake was _beaming_. This could not have gone better. These were two of the most important women in his life, holding onto each other on stage, singing late 90s songs together. He was also laughing, because they looked ridiculous up there. When the lyrics came to “I don’t want no scrub,” both of them pointed directly at him, earning howls from the rest of the crowd. 

Rosa took over the rap bit at the end, to which Amy stepped back and placed her hands on her face in amazement. Jake, Doug, and Gina were exchanging surprised glances. He was just glad that he had captured all of this on camera. 

As soon as the song ended, Amy leaned in and hugged Rosa, then turned toward the crowd and yelled, “Sleuth Sisterssss!” Rosa laughed and looked at her, a mix of confusion and amusement.

Jake made his way to the stage, helping Rosa to help Amy down the steps. 

“I was so wrong, Jake. Did you hear Rosa rap!? You didn’t tell me she could do that!” 

Jake laughed. “I told you, Ames. She’s hard to describe. Full of surprises.” 

“Some things you’ll _never_ know,” Rosa said, giving a glance to Jake that made him feel a little threatened, then turning to smile at Amy. 

Doug Judy made his way over, leaning in to try to hug Rosa. She twisted her elbow, planting it firmly in his chest. 

Doug pulled back. “Damn, Rosa! I thought you were in a hugging mood, I was just trying to congratulate you on that kickass performance.”

“I’ll hug _her_ , not you.” Rosa snapped back, pointing to Amy. 

“I’m kinda sleepy,” Amy said quietly, leaning into Jake’s side and yawning. He smiled down at her, pulling her a little closer with the arm around her waist.

“Alright, guys. I think that’s my cue to get her home.” 

“I should probably get home, too,” Charles added. “Gotta feed the dogs again.” 

“Hey, Rosa, you wanna stay and hangout for a while?” Gina asked, looking directly at Rosa. 

Rosa shrugged, a hint of a smile on her lips. “Sure.” 

Doug Judy cut in. “Maybe I’ll stay, too.” Both Gina and Rosa scowled at him. Jake glanced between the three of them, waiting for someone to say something. “Alright, damn. I respect it. I’ll go home.”

“It was really nice to meet you, Rosa!” Amy squeaked as they were preparing to leave the table, Gina and Rosa sitting down next to each other. “We should hang out again sometime!”

Rosa smiled. “Yeah, whatever.” 

Jake raised his eyebrows knowingly at Gina. “Have fun, you two. Be good.” 

“Don’t get too messy with the powdered sugar,” Rosa replied, a smirk on her lips. 

Gina just rolled her eyes at Jake and turned back toward Rosa as they walked away. 

Amy was asleep minutes into the car ride. 

\--

“Okay, she said ‘Amy’s cool.’ Which, I know you don’t really know her, but that’s, like, the greatest compliment you can get from Rosa Diaz.” He smiled at her. 

Amy was watching the video from the night before, Rosa and Amy pointing at Jake and singing while arm in arm. “Oh my god,” she said quietly. “Five drink Amy… should not go in public. Especially not with new people she’s trying to impress.” 

Jake laughed. “She _liked_ you. She was having fun, too.” 

Amy shook her head slowly. As far as things went for them, this had been a pretty lazy Sunday. She woke up late, due mostly to the hangover that was creeping up on her, and they just hung around the house watching movies. He ran out to get her some gatorade and some greasy food, which he always claimed would “ _definitely_ cure that hangover.” 

To her surprise, it had kind of worked this time. She was feeling pretty good. That’s why she felt comfortable crawling up into his lap in her bed, pressing kisses from his jaw down to his collarbone and grinding her hips against his. 

Things escalated quickly, their clothes quickly being abandoned on the floor. Normally they’d dedicate a little more time to foreplay, but she _wanted_ him, that desire from the day before going unsatisfied as he carried her from the car, already sleeping, to bed.

So it was within minutes that they were sitting together, Amy straddling his hips, and lowering herself down on him. His hands fell lightly along her waist, her hands gripping the hair at the nape of his neck as she worked her hips into a gentle rhythm. 

He tipped his head back and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t notice the way he bit his lip. He turned his head to the side, then back toward her, eyes opening and giving away a look of desire. She picked up her pace at this, loving the way his tightened grip around her provided more friction. This was _great_ , but she felt like something was different. 

That feeling only amplified when he buried his face in her neck, kissing softly and saying her name in that breathy way she loved. The problem was that instead of _Ames_ , he said _Amy_. Which he _never_ did during sex. Then his hands gripped each hip as he took control of her movements, slowing them down considerably, but still keeping that friction. He trailed kisses up her neck, to her jaw, to that space below her ear, then he nipped her earlobe softly before whispering to her. 

“I love you, Amy Santiago. I will never love anyone the way I love you.” 

She could feel herself tense, and she knew by his reaction that he felt it, too. The room fell silent as her hand reflexively moved to his chest. Then there were tears in her eyes, tears that she couldn’t stop, couldn’t get rid of as memories flooded her brain. 

_“No one will ever love you like I do,” He hissed at her. He’d pulled her onto the bed, kissing her neck as she stared up at the ceiling, unsure, uncomfortable, and unwilling. His weight on her body was too much, she didn’t want it, didn’t want him, but she was afraid. The words echoed in her head for months._

_”No one will ever love you like I do.”_

And he was right. No one _would_ ever love her the way that Teddy did, if you could even really call that _love_ (she wouldn’t). 

It was the stark contrast between that moment and the one she was in now that had the tears flowing freely. Jake, whispering that he loved her for the first time, that he would never love anyone the way he loved her. _He_ would never love anyone, _not_ no one would ever love her.

And she wanted to say it back, but she was so overcome with emotion that she couldn’t get a word out. 

He quickly moved to lift her off of him, pulling her into his lap sideways and holding her against his chest. 

“Hey, shhhh, I’m sorry, it’s okay.” He was pressing gentle kisses all over her face, kissing away the tears as they fell, which only made her cry harder. She wanted him, she loved him, and at the slightest thought that she was uncomfortable, he immediately stopped. He was so different from what she had before, and he was everything she wanted. He was probably confused by her reaction, and yet he still was putting her first. 

“I’m sorry,” he was whispering again through the kisses he placed on her forehead. “I shouldn’t have said that, it wasn’t the right moment. I just-” He stopped, taking a deep breath and showering her with a few more kisses. “I was feeling so overwhelmed. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’ve been wanting to say it, but you know, it’s hard… And just in that moment I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’m sorry if that was too soon, or… I’m just sorry, Ames.” 

“Shut up,” she finally got out between her tears. He chuckled quietly, but kept giving her kisses, trying to calm her down with the little repetitive circles he rubbed on her arm, on her back. 

When she finally calmed down, she craned her neck up to him and pressed the softest kiss she could manage against his lips. He smiled when they broke apart, but she could see the confusion on his face. 

“I love you, too,” she whispered back, moving her hand to his cheek and brushing her fingers there gently. 

He smiled down at her again, eyes soft and full of adoration. She could tell that he wanted to ask, but he just leaned his forehead against hers, silently taking in the moment. 

“Jake,” she said his name quietly, unsure of what she really wanted to say. She felt like she should give him some sort of explanation. “You’re just the complete opposite of…” She trailed off, leaning her head against his chest. He ran his fingers through her hair slowly, moving so that they were laying back against the pillows. “I’m sorry it took me so long,” she continued, barely above a whisper, “to do this, I mean. It’s just that he-” She scrunched her eyes shut, allowing a few more tears to fall. Her voice broke a little. “I thought he loved me. I thought that was love. And if love came with _that_... I’d rather not have love at all.” 

She felt his lips press against the top of her head, then his fingers continued to move through her hair. “You’re telling me. I mean… You know how my last relationship went. The last person I said I love you to is-” He stopped, tensing at his own words. “...dead,” he finally finished quietly. That was decidedly _not_ what he was originally going to say. “And before that… I guess we’re both pretty fucked up, huh Ames?” 

She laughed humorlessly. “I guess so.” 

She brought her fingers up to his chest, tracing little shapes across his skin. She was lost in thought, but the silence between them was comfortable. That didn’t stop her from breaking it. 

“Thank you.” 

“For what?” 

She moved away enough that she could look at his face. “Every single day, you show me what it really feels like to be loved. So thank you.” 

“Come here,” he mumbled through his grin, pulling her in for a chaste kiss. 

She nestled back in against his chest, her head fitting perfectly in that spot near his collarbone. They drifted off together, the sounds of the city outside filtering in through the window and lulling them to sleep. Things had been difficult for them. Jake was right, they were both a little fucked up. But in this moment, they were happy. In this moment, things were calm. In this moment, they were in their own little bubble full of love. 

And nothing could pop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lowkey do _not_ like the way I wrote Rosa. I don't feel like she was in character at all (esp not like a season 1 Rosa, which would be more of what this Rosa would be, I guess???). But I was having a lot of trouble writing her in a way that didn't just come off as rude ass bitch, which I know y'all probably would've understood bc you know steph's Rosa, but I just couldn't write her that way in good faith knowing that there obvs isn't somebody to portray and give more depth to the actions written down, so my Rosa is like way friendlier than is probs necessary. 
> 
> Also that ending???????? What does that even mean? Does it make you nervous????
> 
> ¨̮


	28. Never Been More Ready to Turn This Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize to you for one specific thing I do in this chapter, but I'm so glad I did it lmaoooo. 
> 
> The plan is for the next chapter to be the last one, guys. We made it!!! I'm emotional. 
> 
> Chapter title from Dare to Believe by Boyce Avenue. (By the way!!!! I LOVE this song. Please listen to it!)
> 
> Not gonna share lyrics from it, because they're not relevant to the chapter except for the one line that's in the title, but I love it. And I LOVE Boyce Avenue even though most of their stuff is cover stuff. This one's an original, though, and it's had my heart for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all. I really hope you enjoy this!!

Amy could feel the anxiety rising in her chest. This would be the most important--well, one of the most important--days of her life. She reached down to fix her gown, taking a deep breath and listening as the music began to play through the large oak doors in front of her. She ruffled the white fabric, hoping it was draping perfectly over her for pictures. She took another deep breath. This was it. She was doing this. 

The director looked at her. “You ready?” Amy nodded, a tight-lipped smile present on her face. 

“Nervous?” 

This time, Amy chuckled quietly. “Yeah, a little.” 

“But you’re excited, right?” 

She smiled more fully. “Yeah, I am.”

“Alright, then. This is it.” The director smiled again, nodding in Amy’s direction. Then she turned, pushing open the large doors and revealing a large crowd, all seated. People turned to look at her, everyone smiling, but Amy wasn’t paying attention to any of them. She was scanning the room for one face in particular, and when she found it, she felt herself immediately relax. 

Jake Peralta. She located him, standing, making eye contact, with the widest smile on his face that she had ever seen. He was dressed in a suit, his gray jacket fit him perfectly. She felt her own smile widen as she realized that she hadn’t yet began walking down the aisle, which, at the moment, was her only job. 

She began her ascent, trying her best to keep in pace with the music. She couldn’t believe after all this time, that she finally made it to this moment. She looked back at Jake, who winked at her from across the room. God, she loved him. 

She made it to the steps, carefully scaling them so as not to trip in front of all these people. She had to lift her gown slightly to avoid it. Finally, she made her way to her place, overlooking the crowd in front of her. Her eyes travelled to Jake’s face, and all of the nerves that she had felt before were gone. 

“Hello, everyone. I’m Amy Santiago, and I am the valedictorian for the class of 2019.” 

Everyone in the crowd cheered. Her eyes rested on the section of the room filled with her loved ones. Jake thrust a huge foam finger into the air that read “#1 Santiago.” Her mother laughed, her brother David raised his eyebrows quizzically (of course), and Benji snatched the foam finger off of Jake’s hand, pointing the finger toward himself. Amy laughed into the microphone. 

The ceremony went without problem. Amy completed her carefully prepared speech exactly as she had rehearsed it, earning laughs from some of the jokes that Jake helped her to write. When everything was finished, she rushed off the stage, making her way down for pictures. They had exactly 15 minutes to take pictures together and then leave the building. 

Jake caught her in a hug as soon as she was near him. “You did _great_ ,” he whispered in her ear, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “Especially that joke about Washington Square Park. Sounded like a professional wrote that one…” 

“Shut up,” she laughed, kissing his lips quickly before pulling away to address her family. “Okay, fifteen minutes. What poses do you absolutely _have_ to get in? We’re on a time crunch.” 

After what felt like two thousand photographs with her parents, all seven brothers, and Jake, Amy was running out of the venue, tugging Jake behind her. 

“Come on, we’re not gonna make it unless we _hustle_.”

“ _Hustle_? What are you, a grandma? Ooh, or maybe a gangster, that could be fun! Although it might cause trouble for me, ya’know, becoming a cop and everything…” Jake trailed off, still being pulled behind Amy as she searched for his car. He dropped his voice a few octaves, using the voice that Amy immediately recognized as his _movie narrator voice_ , which he used frequently enough that _yes, she can recognize it_. “ **In a world where Jake Peralta, an amazing detective _slash_ genius, is constantly fighting a battle against the clock, he learns his sexy girlfriend’s darkest secret: she’s the leader of Brooklyn’s baddest gang. _This_ is their story. BUM-BUM.**”

Amy turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes pointedly. “ _First_ of all, baddest is not a _real_ word. It’s _worst_. Second, we don’t have time for this right now, Jake. You know that!”

Jake scoffed dramatically. “No, no, no. You’re not the leader of the _worst_ gang in Brooklyn, babe. The _baddest_! Baddest is a _good thing_. Like street cred.” She stared at him incredulously, so he laughed and moved on. “But you liked that Law & Order ending though, right?” He bit his lip, smiling in anticipation, then laughed when she rolled her eyes. “I know. Come here, though.” He pulled her into a tight hug, squeezing her firmly. “I’m so proud of you, Ames. You’re a college graduate!”

When they pulled out of the hug, she was beaming. He loved seeing her that way, adrenaline still coursing through her from speaking in front of that large crowd. She was so _happy_. It’s exactly what she deserved. 

“Thank you,” she said genuinely, leaning into him one more time for a chaste kiss. “Now let’s _go_!”

“Alright, alriiiight,” he mumbled, chuckling as she finally found the car and pulled him to it. 

They settled into the car and, at Amy’s prompting, he reversed and began their short drive to their next destination. 

“You’d think you’d be a little more concerned about this, ya’know, considering…”

“Me? No, I’m cool as a _cucumber_. A calm, cool, collected cucumber.” 

He glanced toward Amy to find her raising an eyebrow at him. “Charles? Is that you? What’s with the alliteration?” 

Jake scoffed. “There’s no altercation, Ames. What are you talking about?” 

“Alliteration is- ugh, you know what, nevermind. Are you sure you’re not nervous?”

Jake shook his head, but kept his eyes on the road. He wasn’t nervous. There was nothing to be nervous _about_. 

When they arrived in the parking lot, Jake was thrilled to see Rosa and a few other familiar faces standing around. When he saw what Rosa was holding in her hands, he immediately knew what was coming. He flashed a smile at Amy. “Can you give me a kiss real quick?” 

She raised an eyebrow, but leaned in for a kiss that lasted longer than their last few. His hand made its way to her face, curving around her jaw as their tongues met. After a moment, someone in the parking lot blew their horn at them. A group of Jake’s recruit friends were all standing together, laughing and pointing at the car. Amy could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, but Jake just grinned and stuck his tongue out at them. 

“Thanks, babe. You’re not gonna want to kiss me in a second.” His smile grew wider as he left her in the car, bewildered.

“Wow, I had these donut holes here, but it looks like you already got your fill of powdered sugar in the car, huh?” Rosa teased, waving a box of donuts in the air at him. 

“I could _never_ have too much powdered sugar,” he snapped back, placing his hand on his hip and shaking his head toward his friends. He heard Amy’s car door shut as she got out of the car. 

“Incoming!” Stevie Schillens yelled, at which point Rosa started beaming donut holes at Jake. He was catching all of them in his mouth, but crumbs and powdered sugar were raining down around him. Amy stood back, watching him with a look that could only be described as half disgusted and half in awe. 

When Rosa stopped throwing donuts, Jake turned and smiled at Amy, mouth still full of sugar and dough. 

“What the fuck did I just watch?” Amy almost whispered, confused beyond belief. 

“Another perfect box!” Stevie yelled. “The best way to celebrate graduating from the academy.”

“Santiago!” Rosa yelled. “I’m glad you could make it. We still on for lunch next week?”

Amy smiled as she and Jake made their way closer to the group. She and Rosa had been meeting for lunch every now and then, sometimes with Jake, but typically without. Most of these lunch dates consisted of minimal conversation, but they were always pleasant and friendly. Amy enjoyed spending time with Rosa. Some of their lunch dates even contained a little bit of gossip or some advice here and there. 

_”Just tell him to shut up,” Rosa suggested. She was halfway done with the caesar salad that she had been eating, listening intently to Amy complain about Jake’s Taylor Swift obsession with only minimal eye-rolling._

_”I can’t just tell him to shut up, Rosa,” Amy argued back. “He really loves that music.”_

_”Then get some really good headphones.”_

Sometimes they chatted about their daily lives. Amy got a new binder, Rosa’s motorcycle was acting up, stuff about school or the academy. They didn’t usually delve too far into Rosa’s personal life or her past, but every now and then Amy got little glimpses. She had learned that Rosa used to do ballet, which Jake already knew because it came up when he mentioned his old tap lessons, but if anybody else found out, there were only two people to trace it back to, _keep that in mind_. 

“Of course!” Amy replied. “But c’mon, you guys.” She turned to Jake and began dabbing the powdered sugar off of his jacket. “If we don’t get inside, you’re going to be late.” 

Rosa shrugged her shoulders. “They don’t really have an event without us, do they? They’ll wait.” 

Everyone in the group laughed, but they all followed as Amy tugged Jake toward the door. 

\--

“So, I’m Jake Peralta, and I have been elected to do this speech because nobody else wanted to and I never stop talking.” He turned toward his friends, all seated behind him on stage. They laughed, and his lieutenant stood up and solemnly nodded in agreement. Jake laughed. “Hey, c’mon man! I’m not that bad.”

His laughter died down a little bit and he took a deep breath, waiting for the rest of the room to settle. He looked into the crowd, relaxing as he found Amy looking up at him, smiling in that way that always gave him that little bit of encouragement that he needed. 

“The academy has been no walk in the park, if I’m being honest. On our first day, Lieutenant Holt did that whole thing where he told us to look to our right, then to our left, because at least one of those people wouldn’t be standing on the stage on graduation day. Well, Cap-” he paused to shoot a glance in Holt’s direction. He _hated_ when Jake called him Cap, a shortened version of ‘Captain,’ aka the nickname that Jake had lovingly given the Lieutenant in charge of their class because he would _definitely_ be a captain one day. Holt rolled his eyes, but aside from that, his expression remained unchanged. 

“Turns out you were wrong. Class of 2019, overachieving because _every. single. one of us_ is still here.” Jake pointed around the group as he said this. The rest of the recruits all whooped and yelled excitedly in response. “We thought we were going to lose Jimmy after the whole pepper spray incident, but even he made it!” All of his friends laughed and a few of the guys grabbed at Jimmy, smacking him softly on the back and making his face redden. 

Jake laughed into the mic, then smiled wide at the grin that his laughter brought to Amy’s face. “But, all jokes aside, there are some pretty serious things I have to mention. This has been _hard_. Between late nights spent studying, physical fitness courses that only _mostly_ made me question my eating habits, and that one time I accidentally handcuffed myself to a shelf where nobody found me for six hours,” he turned back toward the stage, “ _Thank you, Rosa_. I might be dead if you hadn’t found me.” 

“You were in the evidence lock-up alone for _27 minutes_ , Peralta,” she yelled back. The entire audience erupted into laughter as Jake made a face and raised his eyebrow disapprovingly. 

“Alright, alright.” He chuckled along with everyone. “But I just wanted to say that I know I definitely wouldn’t have made it through this without my support-team backing me. I’m sure that’s true for a lot of you as well. So Mom, Gina, and especially Ames: Thanks for listening to me whine about sore muscles and staying up late with me to listen to me whine some more about studying. Also thanks to one of you in particular for making me shut up and study those notecards.” He winked toward Amy. 

“And lastly, I’d like to thank the rest of the recruits here. I know that we’re all going to go our separate ways as beat cops, but I can’t imagine a better group of people to have gone through this with. Thanks for all the laughs. And Rosa, thanks for being the best partner I could’ve asked for. I know you’re not big on the sentimental, so I’ll leave it at that. To the NYPD Police Academy Recruit Class of 2019, thank you and good luck on all your future endeavors. I hope to run into you on the job.” 

Jake turned with a flourish of his wrist and bowed dramatically toward the audience. He went back to take his seat, and Lieutenant Holt stepped to the podium. He waited patiently for the applause to die down. 

“Yes, I too, share Peralta’s sentiment. You have been a wonderful class, and as mentioned, my first class that has managed the same number of graduates as enrolled recruits. Getting to know each of you has been a pleasure, and I am endlessly proud of the work you have all done. I am grateful to have been a part of your professional journey, and I wish you all nothing but the best. Congratulations, and welcome to the NYPD.” 

The room erupted into cheers once again, and the new officers began moving out toward the crowd to join their friends and families. 

“Damn, Jake! You write that speech yourself? You had a couple big words in there.” 

He shot an annoyed glance at Gina, but smiled and wrapped an arm around Amy’s waist. “Well, I had a little help from a certain pretty girl that I know.” 

They posed for what felt like another million pictures, with each other, with Jake’s parents, and with his friends. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Amy’s voice was almost seductive as they sat next to each other in the car. It was dark out, and Jake was waiting for the car to warm up before they drove to their next destination. 

Jake beamed at her. “I know, can you believe we graduated on the same day? If I would have stayed in college, I would have graduated like four years after you.” 

Amy rolled her eyes at him. “Jake, come _on_. Don’t ruin the mood with what ifs.” She leaned closer to him, pressing a hand on his thigh to push herself closer to his lips. 

He readily accepted her kiss, but after a moment he laughed against her lips. “What mood, babe?” 

She just hummed against his lips and distracted him enough from the conversation that he was soon leaning over to her side of the car, hands searching blindly for the best place to grip onto her. As soon as she found that she had the upper hand, she was giggling into the kiss. He groaned quietly, and when he spoke again, his voice took on a rougher quality. 

“What is it, babe? My achievements got you feeling some type of way?” 

She rolled her eyes, both at his intentionally bad grammar and the fact that he was absolutely right, and gripped onto his tie to pull him closer. “Just shut up and kiss me.” 

He happily complied, and before either of their thoughts had caught up with their actions, she was in his lap, the kiss deeper than either of them had intended. His hands trailed up her back, arching her closer to him as her fingers worked on loosening his tie, then knotting through his hair. 

After a few minutes, a few loosened buttons, and progressively foggier windows, Amy pulled out of the kiss. She turned toward the window and rubbed a clear spot to look out. 

“Nooo,” Jake said quietly, pressing his lips against her jaw and adjusting her on his lap to gain a little friction. 

Amy laughed, but leaned into the kisses trailing down her neck. He toyed with the zipper trailing up her back, waiting for some approval before daring to pull it down. 

“Everyone else is gone, Jake.” She looked back out the window to the empty parking lot. “We really should be meeting everyone. Our parents are all waiting. _Together._ ” 

He knew exactly what she meant. They were all together, something that they had never been before. The two of them really should be there, playing interference. He ghosted a few more kisses on her collarbone before pulling away to flash a mischievous smile at her. “We got stuck in traffic.” 

She bit her lip as he stared at her, light from the moon and a nearby streetlight the only thing illuminating their faces in the night. She raised an eyebrow. “Right here?” 

His fingers trailed up and down her hips. “Is that what you want?” 

She smirked. “We have to be quick.” 

He pulled her back against him, kissing her and simultaneously reclining the seat back. 

He broke the kiss long enough to say, “I’ll do my best.” 

The next few moments were a blur. The light from the window illuminated Jake’s body just enough for her to see the freckles trailed sparsely across his torso. Within minutes her dress was hitched above her hips, the entire car rocking with them as they moved together. 

They were right on track to finish with enough time to spare that they would be _barely_ late for dinner with their parents when they were interrupted by someone’s fist rapping on the car window. 

Amy gasped, climbing off of him and moving back into the passenger seat with a speed that he had never seen before. She was adjusting her dress when the knocking came for a second time. 

Jake was working on readjusting his own clothes, hastily buttoning up his shirt mostly-evenly. “Uh… Who is it?” 

“I _knew it_.” Holt replied curtly. 

Amy looked at Jake, panic clear in her features. “Who is it?” she mouthed silently. 

Jake closed his eyes and tipped his head back, whispering a quiet, drawn out, “fuuuuck.”

Once he was sure that Amy was decent, he rolled down the window. 

“Cap, hi! How are you doing on this fine-”

“Do not call me Cap,” he began, eyeing Jake intensely. “When we saw this car out here, Jeffords said there was no way that it would be you. ‘Not our _star recruit_ ,’” he mimicked the sarge’s voice as he spoke, “but I just _knew_ it had to be Peralta.” 

Jake glanced at Amy, then looked back at Holt. “Uh… Guilty?” 

“ _What_ were you just doing?” He let his eyes fall on Amy long enough to verify that his suspicions were 100% correct, then looked back to Jake as he waited for an answer. 

“Oh, you were serious,” Jake mumbled after a lengthy pause. “We were… choreographing a new dance-”

“Peralta, that’s enough.”

“Fine. Sir, don’t be mad, but we were… well, for lack of a better word, we were trying to bone.” 

“ _Bone!?_ ” Holt yelled, taking a step back and throwing his hands up in the air. “How _dare you_ , Officer Peralta. Bone?!”

“Well, that wasn’t the better word,” Jake noted quietly. 

“Sir, we are _so_ sorry,” Amy cut in. 

Holt leaned closer to the car. “You know, I expected this from him, but from what I’ve heard about you… I am disappointed. _Very_ unprofessional.” 

Amy frowned. He had heard about her? Enough to have formed a predisposed conclusion on her? A conclusion that sounded positive, but was decidedly wrong? She had just met this man, so why did his disapproval bother her _so_ deeply? 

Holt shook his head one final time. “You’re lucky that you really are our best recruit, or this may be ending in a different way. Get out of here, Peralta.” 

Jake nodded and began to roll up the window. 

“Wait,” Holt added. Jake rolled the window back down, looking expectantly at him. “Ms. Santiago? Congratulations on your graduation. I wish we could be formally meeting on better circumstances, but being at the top of your class while receiving your bachelor’s degree is no small feat. Don’t let this man drag you down with his distracting, childish antics.” 

She nodded quickly. “Thank you, sir.” 

“Have a good night,” Jake added. 

Holt shook his head and narrowed his eyes. “ _Bone_ … Don’t _ever_ speak to me like that again.” 

Holt turned to walk back toward the building, and Jake rolled the window up. He remained turned toward the window for a moment, and Amy could picture exactly what his face looked like before she saw it. His eyebrows were scrunched together, biting his lip in a sort of apologetic, silly way. He turned to her to reveal that exact expression. 

“So… where… were we?” Jake asked quietly. 

“Jake!” She smacked his shoulder lightly. She was _mortified_. “When I said nobody was here, you could’ve mentioned that your lieutenant was _in the building_!” 

“Hey!” He leaned against the door and held his hands up defensively. “I was distracted! You were already _in my lap_. Looking like _that_.” 

If she hadn’t already been blushing furiously at the situation she had just barely made it through, she may have blushed at his words. 

“Oh my _god_. I want to die.” 

“Babe, it’s fine. This will be a funny story, one day.” 

Amy rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “Yeah. Can we just go?”

\--

Jake and Amy walked into the restaurant a cool 37 minutes late. They were arm-in-arm, the fakest smile imaginable plastered across Amy’s lips. 

“Hi, everyone! So sorry we’re late! We made a wrong turn and then hit some traffic,” Amy assured, stopping with Jake at the end of the table. 

Her parents sat across from Jake’s parents, Gina and Rosa sitting next to Jake’s parents while Kylie and Charles sat next to Amy’s. _Everyone_ at the table looked moderately uncomfortable. All of Amy’s brothers sat at a different table nearby, their party-of-seven becoming eight when you counted David’s wife. Eight and a half if you counted the high-chair tacked onto the end of the table for Amy’s niece. 

“No worries, Mija. We’re just happy you finally made it!” Camila studied her for a moment. “Why do you look so flushed?” 

Amy stammered, trying to come up with a response before Jake swooped in to save her. 

“Oh, road rage. You know Amy! All that traffic, she was yelling and swearing up a storm.” He smiled pointedly at Amy, to which she stepped on his toe as a warning. He wasn’t _entirely_ lying. She had tossed around quite a few expletives, though most of them ended in Jake’s name. 

Victor eyed the two of them suspiciously. “Jake, your shirt is buttoned wrong.” 

He looked down, noting that yes, his shirt was _absolutely, undeniably_ buttoned incorrectly, and Amy was _absolutely, undeniably_ going to kill him later for not double checking the buttons like she’d asked him to.

“Oh, uhm…” He glanced around the table, to the smirks placed on his mother’s, Gina’s, and Rosa’s faces, and the ridiculous smile on Charles’ face. “Hope it wasn’t like that all night. That would be embarrassing.” 

Camila had been looking down at her phone, which she now held up for Jake to look at. “It wasn’t. Look at the pictures from graduation.” 

Roger shrugged his shoulders. “So Jake and Amy celebrated all their accomplishments with a little bit of consensual sex, what’s the big deal?” 

Camila gasped, and Victor glared at Roger. 

Jake inhaled deeply and rolled his eyes. “ _Thanks_ , Dad.” 

At this point, Rosa and Gina were snickering quietly to each other. 

“Well, I’m just saying. It’s a natural and wonderful way to express yourself.”

“Your father’s right,” his mother chimed in. “Nothing wrong with sex.”

“Did I hear someone say _sex_?” Benji chimed in, dragging his chair to the table and raising his eyebrows suggestively at Rosa. 

Rosa grimaced at him. “I will step on you.” 

He smiled. “I’m down to try it, I might be into that.” 

“ _Benjamin_!” Camila scolded. 

Roger and Karen were both trying (and failing in a way that is almost comical) to hold in their laughter. Jake and Amy were still standing awkwardly at the end of the table, only half-buttoned correctly and entirely uncomfortable. The server made her way around with a tray containing various salads and baskets of bread. Jake moved to get out of the way, accidentally bumping into the server and sending a basket of rolls flying. 

Jake turned to apologize, collecting the rolls off of the floor. He stood back up, flustered, blushing, half-buttoned, and hands full of rolls, to find Amy choking back her own laughter. This was going _horribly_. When he looked up at Amy, her laugh bubbled out of her lips, catching everyone in the room off guard. 

She bent forward, clutching at her stomach as she laughed until she was gasping for air. Jake couldn’t help but to laugh at her happiness, and soon everyone at the tables was laughing, too. 

“This is ridiculous,” Amy said when she finally broke out of her laughter. “Can we just sit down and eat?” 

Everyone’s laughter subsided. “Of course, mija. Come sit down.” 

Jake and Amy made their way to the end of the table, sitting across the table from each other and sitting next to Charles and Rosa, respectively. Gina leaned across the table toward Jake. 

“I know I’ve had to teach you a lot since we were kids, but I didn’t think I needed to teach you how to button your shirt, dummy.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Listen, it was a high-stakes situation. Holt caught us-”

“Wait,” Rosa was leaning in now, “ _Holt_ caught you? Doing…?” She laughed loudly, momentarily catching the attention of a few others before they turned back toward their own conversations. “Where were you?” 

“In the car,” he rolled his eyes as if it were obvious. 

“ _Amy Santiago_ had sex in the _car_?” Kylie practically shouted. 

The entire table of her brothers turned toward them. Amy closed her eyes tightly, wishing she had just told Jake they could have waited until later. Or maybe wishing that they hadn’t agreed to come to this dinner. 

“Wait! You had _sex in the car_?” David said _way_ too loudly for it to have been anything but intentional. 

Jake and Amy’s sex life was now the topic of conversation for the sixteen other people at the two tables. _Again_. Victor glared down at the end of the table toward Jake, but Camila seemed to relax a little bit. 

The two of them suffered through an awkward (and oftentimes tense) dinner with the people that they loved the most. As everyone gathered around to give hugs and say their goodbyes, a few quiet jokes about “the incident” were cracked by friends, brothers, and parents alike. 

Benji turned to Jake after Camila and Victor had started leaving. “I can’t believe you had sex with my sister in the car… _So_ cool.” He held out his fist for a fist bump, which Jake glanced toward Amy for approval for before hesitantly accepting. Amy rolled her eyes. 

“Go home, Benj. You’re such a freak.” 

Benji’s eyes widened. “ _I’m_ the freak? Tell that to Jake’s car!” He laughed before taking off toward the direction their parents had gone in. 

Amy blinked her eyes slowly and turned to Jake. “I’m never going to hear the end of this, you know. All because you didn’t _check your fucking buttons_.” 

He smiled sheepishly. “I think it could’ve gone worse. At least our parents only had tense, uncomfortable conversation instead of fighting, right?” 

Speaking of their parents, one of Jake’s sauntered back into the room. They had already said goodbye to Roger and Karen, but Roger was making his way back over toward he and Amy, now. 

She grabbed his arm lightly, then leaned in for a quick kiss. “I’ll give you two a minute.” 

Jake nodded, then watched her walk away before turning to look at his father. 

“Dad,” he said quietly. 

“Hey, buddy.” 

There was a quiet, uncomfortable moment where they were both just looking at each other. Jake was waiting for his father to say something, but Roger seemed to be unsure of what to say. 

“I just… I think I wanted to apologize. For not always being around. Seeing you tonight… I’m just so proud of you. And you grew up to be such a great young man, and I know that had nothing to do with me. But I’m glad I’m around to see it all, now.” 

Jake looked at him, bewildered. “I… Thank you, Dad.” 

Their relationship hadn’t been perfect as of late, but Jake had been giving Roger some opportunities to correct his past mistakes. He and Amy frequently attended dinners with his parents. Sometimes Jake would even go on his own. They even went to a baseball game once, just him and his father. 

Roger pulled him in for a tight hug, clapping his hand against his back as he did. “Thank you for giving me another chance. I love you, Jake.” 

Jake could feel tears stinging in his eyes, but he was doing his best to hold them back. “I love you, too.” 

Roger pulled away and offered a kind smile. “Drive safe. And maybe this time try to wait until you get out of the car to-”

“Thanks, Dad.” Jake interrupted his final word. He wasn’t sure what it was going to be, but he was sure that it would have made him cringe. “You guys drive safe, too.” 

And with that, Roger Peralta was waving toward Amy and making his way back out of the building. 

“That seemed like it went well,” Amy commented as she made her way back to Jake. 

He smiled and pulled her closer to him. She craned her neck up to accept the soft kiss that he offered her. “I love you, Amy. Thank you.”

She smiled and leaned her head against his chest. “I love you, too. Thank you for what?” 

“Just for everything. This is perfect.” 

She laughed and looked back up at him. “ _This_ is perfect? Jokes about our sex life and awkwardly rivaled parents?”

He leaned in for another kiss, finding her lips soft and ready as they molded against his own. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

They walked out to the car hand-in-hand. 

“Did you see Gina and Rosa, by the way? They were holding hands when they left, too.” 

Jake laughed. “Yeah, but don’t ask about it. I got a solid fist to the chest when I asked Rosa last week.” 

\--

The future, for Amy, was uncertain. She was a college graduate, maintaining a 4.0 grade point average in her Art History program. She now had a bachelor’s degree, but she had little to no idea what she wanted to do with it. She closed her eyes and nestled closer to Jake, already sleeping next to her. Even in his sleep, his arm tightened around her as she moved. 

Jake had a plan. He had already been assigned to his precinct, the 8-2, and would be starting his first day as a uniformed officer on the following Monday. He was going to work his way up the ranks until he was a detective, the job which he continually said was his end goal. 

_”Just detective?” She’d asked him. “Why don’t you go for more? Sargeant, lieutenant, captain? Why just detective?”_

_He’d smiled at her. “It’s what I was made for, Ames. The two things I was made for in this world: Being a detective, and you.”_

She laughed it off when he’d said it, but since that day, she’d realized that he was absolutely right (on both counts). Every time she saw him talk about his future, his eyes lit up. He loved solving puzzles, as she’d seen countless times when he’d dragged her to every escape room attraction in not only New York, but also New Jersey _and_ Pennsylvania. He would be the perfect detective, and she couldn’t wait to watch him achieve those goals. 

He was still the same goofy, ridiculous man that she had fallen in love with, but when it came to the NYPD, he was more serious about that than almost anything else (except maybe his love of Die Hard. And _maybe_ Amy, that was debatable). 

Lying in bed next to him, she felt so confused. She had pursued this degree because it interested her, but she didn’t have anything in her mind that she really _wanted_ to do as a career. She loved art history, but she couldn’t see any sort of career that she could maintain and not end up bored out of her mind within the first few years. 

Amy Santiago was a planner. She _always_ knew what she wanted. Now should be no different. How come she had finally achieved one of her longest standing goals--earning her bachelor’s degree--but she was now feeling more confused and less prepared than ever? 

Jake stirred in his sleep, jumping when Amy moved to make room for his movements. 

“Mmmm, Ames?” He asked softly. His voice was rough from sleep, and she smiled at the sound. 

“I’m right here.” 

He pulled her against his chest. “You okay? You’re awake.” 

She snuggled closer to him, closing her eyes and listening to the sound of his heartbeat. “I’m perfect.” 

He chuckled quietly and pressed a kiss against the top of her head. “Yeah, you are.” 

The quiet rhythm of his heart lulled her to sleep, the pressure of his arms around her squeezing every last doubt out of her mind. Everything would be fine, because every night, she would come home to _this_. 

Suddenly, the future didn’t seem so scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I only have one chapter left for you!!!!
> 
> I honestly am so emotional over this!!!!!
> 
> So, if there's anything that you specifically were wondering about for this storyline or that you wanted to see in the final chapter, feel free to add that in the comments. I have a general plan for the final chapter and a definite ending, but I would love to tie up all the loose ends that I can, if possible. 
> 
> Thank you all SO much for taking this journey with me! I'm proud of a lot of this story, and I am so grateful that there are people who have been interested in reading. You are really the _best_ people, and I appreciate you all so much!!!
> 
> In conclusion, look out for the final chapter of How You Got Into Me, coming to a computer screen near you within the next two weeks. 
> 
> THANK YOU. 
> 
> Also, did I get you with that fakeout in the beginning? That's what the apology was for. ¨̮ ¨̮ ¨̮


	29. When Day Met Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song title from When the Day Met the Night by Panic! at the Disco
> 
>  
> 
> _When the sun found the moon_  
>  _She was drinking tea in a garden_  
>  _Under the green umbrella trees_  
>  _In the middle of summer_
> 
>  
> 
> _When the moon found the sun_  
>  _He looked like he was barely hanging on_  
>  _But her eyes saved his life_  
>  _In the middle of summer_
> 
>  
> 
> _So he said, "Would it be all right_  
>  _If we just sat and talked for a little while_  
>  _If in exchange for your time_  
>  _I give you this smile?"_
> 
>  
> 
> _Well he was just hanging around_  
>  _Then he fell in love_  
>  _And he didn't know how_  
>  _But he couldn't get out_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!!! It's been soooooooo long since I've posted, but I've been trying to give this chapter my absolute all. I've also maybe been putting off the ending, I'm only supes emotional about it guys, it's fine. But I think I finally got this to where I want it and I feel content with our ending. 
> 
> I love you all so much, and I wanted to thank all of you who have stuck around and read all of these words that I wrote. It means more to me than I can truly express. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you love the last chapter of How You Got Into Me. 
> 
> Right now, as I'm about to post it, is the first time I've gotten a little teary over this. 
> 
> Guess you could say I'm not good with goodbyes. 
> 
> But I promise I'll still be around.

“Good morning, my sweet girl. I love you so much,” Jake cooed quietly, sleepily. The dim morning light filtered through the window as Amy blinked the sleep out of her eyes. A smile spread across her face as she focused in on his voice, following his routine that he never once failed to replicate each morning. 

She ruffled her fingers through his hair as he scattered soft, slow kisses across her abdomen. She could feel him smiling into the kisses at her touch. 

“Mmmm, sorry, didn’t mean to wake you, Ames.” 

She laughed quietly. “I can’t think of a better way to wake up.” 

He shimmied himself back up the bed, resting his head next to hers on her pillow. Her hand reflexively followed the curve of her belly. She pressed in the same spot that always got a reaction and closed her eyes as she felt the little flutter of kicking from within her. 

“Strong girl,” Jake commented approvingly. “Just like her mom.” 

“What are you even going to do? You’re going to be surrounded by so many strong women.” 

“Hey, _first of all_ ,” Jake replied a little too loudly. 

Amy flinched a little at the sound, squeezing her eyes shut momentarily before looking at him, anticipating the next few moments. He looked back at her innocently. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. 

He was toying with the wedding band on Amy’s finger with his left hand, holding up his right hand and silently counting off a 3, 2, 1-

“Daddy?”

There was a shuffling at the door. Amy and Jake both laughed softly. 

The door opened slowly, a little girl making her way through the opening carefully. Tiny footsteps padded along the floor as she made her way to the bed, waiting patiently for Jake to roll over and lift her into his arms. 

“Hey, Spec! Good morning, baby.” He planted a kiss on her forehead, brushing her messy, curly hair out of her face as he did so. 

Her little forehead wrinkled into a scowl. She climbed over Jake to snuggle into Amy’s side, whining quietly to her mother. “Mamaaa, tell _Daddy_ that I’m _not_ a baby.”

Amy laughed quietly, placing a kiss in the same spot that Jake had just kissed seconds before. “Josie is _not_ a baby, Jake.” 

Josie turned her head to look at Jake, quirking an eyebrow and squinting her eyes as if to say, “ _Haha_ , she’s on _my_ side.” 

Jake briefly stuck his tongue out at his daughter, laughing at the face she made in response. It was _Amy’s_ face, a face he had seen thousands of times since he had met her almost twelve years earlier. The face that meant that one of his Santiago girls was being teased or otherwise bothered by him. It was a face he desperately loved seeing.

She squealed as he scooped her up in his arms, hopping off the bed and swinging her dramatically as he made his way back toward the door. Her little arms clutched his neck, holding herself in place. She looked so much like Jake, but she was 100% Amy. She was careful, calculated. Her organization was otherworldly for a three-year-old. Each of her stuffed animals had a particular place. Sometimes Jake would switch two of them around while she was napping, and she would always cross her arms and accuse him of “moving Captain to Siren’s spot, _like she wouldn’t notice_.” 

She was determined and strong-willed. She knew exactly what she wanted, and she was always ready to let everyone know what that was. There was a wildness about her, something that was all but absent in Amy. Her big, caramel eyes always sparkled when she had an idea, a ferocity that brought Jake a sense of pride that he never even knew he could feel. 

“That’s all you, you know,” Amy had whispered one day after they’d fought their then two-year-old to sleep. The two of them lay in the toddler bed with their daughter, the only way they could even begin to convince her to close her eyes. 

“Shhhh,” he whispered back. “You’re going to wake the demon.” 

Amy rolled her eyes, but they worked together to silently extricate themselves from the bed and tiptoe out of the room. 

“What’s all me?” 

Amy looked at him pointedly. Her voice was louder now that they were in the safety of their living room, a door shut in between themselves and ‘the demon.’ “That craziness. You don’t see it in her eyes?” 

Jake scoffed. “How dare you call my baby crazy-”

“Shut up,” Amy cut him off. Josie was a daddy’s girl, and it only got under Amy’s skin a little. He always knew that comments like that, where he (albeit jokingly) made it sound like it was he and Josie vs. Amy, would hit a nerve for her. He laughed quietly.

“What do you mean, though?” 

“She gets your _look_.” She nodded at him, as if it had been obvious. “The look you get when you find the solution. When you crack the case. She does it every time she finds a way to get us to let her stay up later. You can see the gears turning in her head.” 

He had just smiled at the idea at the time, but almost a year later, it was a look that lit up Josie’s face at random intervals throughout the day. 

“Come on, Little Spec. We gotta get you some breakfast before we head to Auntie G’s.” 

“Okay, but Daddy I don’t want the chocolate cereal again today,” Amy heard their daughter whine as Jake made his way out toward the kitchen with her. 

Amy slowly pulled herself out of bed, working a little harder than she would normally have to due to the large bump poking out of her. 

“You know, _little girl_ ,” she sighed as she poked at her belly. “You sure do make getting up in the morning a little harder for me.” 

She made her way to the bathroom, the pressure on her bladder making a quick stop before getting ready all too necessary. Half an hour later, she was standing in front of her body length mirror, hands smoothing over the fabric of her uniform. She tucked her badge into place over her heart, then toyed with the buttons that just didn’t seem to clasp the way she wanted them to. 

“God, you’re _hot_ ,” Jake marvelled as she walked into the room. She gave him a knowing look, glancing toward the child sitting at the table. He shrugged. Josie didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, as Jake was commonly heard saying things like this. Amy stopped chastising him after the first few months, when Jake would always reply with a _she’s growing up in a house full of **love**_ or a _what’s wrong with calling my hot wife hot?_. She supposed he was right. She knew that they were raising their daughter to know what was really important. She was smart and kind and thoughtful and strong _and_ beautiful. 

“Eggies for my babies,” Jake said in a sing-song voice, setting a plate in front of Josie and another plate at the table in Amy’s spot. He kissed them both on the cheek before making his way back to make his own plate. 

She smiled at the image before her, her daughter happily chewing her cheesy eggs while Jake, clad in his plaid pajama bottoms, talked with her about what her plans for the day might look like. 

“Well me and Iggy are going to go to the park today, Auntie G said!”

“That sounds like it’ll be so much fun. What are you gonna do there?” 

She shrugged and began to open her mouth to speak, but then glanced carefully at Amy and remembered to finish chewing before speaking. “I don’t know. We used to play cops sometimes, but Iggy says being a cop is _dumb_.” 

Amy laughed quietly. “Yep, that’s Gina’s kid alright.” 

“Well I think being a cop is _cool_. I want to be a cop like Mommy and Daddy and Grandpa Holt and Auntie Ro-ro and Uncle Charles.” 

Amy smiled and smoothed Josie’s hair. “Well, lucky for you, you have _lots_ of time to decide what you want to be when you grow up. And it’s okay if Iggy doesn’t want to be a cop, too. You can play different games together, or you can be a cop and she can be something else.” 

“Yeah, maybe I can be a cop and she can be a bad guy.” 

Jake laughed as he cleared his plate and left the room to get ready for work. 

Amy and Josie finished their breakfast, and Amy got started on getting Josie ready for the day. She raked her fingers through the wild curls, wetting them slightly to help them stay in place. 

“You want to pick your bow?” 

She nodded and ran off to her bedroom to look through her bows. Amy sat down on the couch, looking around the room with her hand absentmindedly rubbing over her belly. She focused in on the pictures lining the gray walls in their living room. 

First, a picture from a time that felt like another world. A framed series of photos. Jake and Amy, in the photobooth at Chuck-E-Cheese, their 21-year-old, new-relationship smiles plastered on their faces. A photo captured of them mid-kiss, Amy’s surprised face, and the first cute picture of them to exist as a couple, leaned in and smiling. 

There were photos all over the room of Jake and Amy, of Josie, and of their friends and families. Pictures of Camila, Victor, Karen, and Roger surrounding Jake and Amy in the hospital with tiny baby Josie wrapped in what would one day be her favorite purple blanket. Photos highly resembling one another, Jake and Rosa in the academy next to Amy and Charles from their shared time there. There was one picture in particular that had Amy replaying memories in her head. 

The entire squad on their first day in the nine-nine. Lined up across the bullpen, faces of long-time friends and faces they’d never been acquainted with. At the center, _Captain_ Holt, _beaming_.

_”I told you,” Jake practically shouted as he pushed his way through the gate of the bullpen for the first time._

_”You told me what?” Holt replied, an eyebrow raised. He had no idea what Jake was referring to._

_”Cap! Look who’s captain, now. I knew you would be.”_

_Holt’s smile spread across his face. Everyone, please join me in the bullpen. I have an announcement to make._

_”I trust that you, those who do not previously know one another, are all getting acquainted?” He waited for nods from all around the room, though everyone already knew each other aside from Hitchcock and Scully. “I just wanted to thank everyone for their part in this moment. When I was offered this position, heading a brand new precinct in Brooklyn, I accepted with a request that I could choose my own squad. For those of you who do not know, I have taught most everyone here during their time in the academy. I have assembled a team which I know will be-”_

_”A suicide squad?! Oh my god, are we the suicide squad?” Jake interrupted excitedly._

_Holt narrowed his eyes before turning to Jake. “What? No. You’re the detective squad from the ninety-ninth precinct, and that should be even more exciting than a,” he paused momentarily, uttering his next words slowly, “...suicide squad.”_

_“Anyway, I chose everyone in this room for their performance, both in and out of the academy. I’ve been following your careers and have enjoyed staying in touch with most of you. I appreciate that you were all so willing to transfer to a completely new work environment. I am sure that this new precinct will come with its challenges, but I assure you that I feel equipped to handle any obstacles with this team. Thank you. Dismissed.”_

_Everyone cheered and Holt smiled briefly before returning to his new office. Once he was in the door, he stopped and swivelled around. “Peralta, Santiago. My office, please.”_

_Amy remembers being excited, but being nervous. She had always admired Holt, looking to him as a mentor during her time in the academy. She and Jake had been in touch with him since their times in the academy, Jake often dropping by while she and Charles were doing their time. Holt seemed to look at Jake with an annoyed admiration as well. He was childish and distracting, but he was a great cop and he had quickly worked his way to detective status._

_”I presume the two of you know why you’re here?”_

_Jake pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows, exchanging a look with Amy. “Uh, no… I don’t think we do.”_

_Holt sighed heavily, then looked back toward the two of them. “I know that the two of you are… together. I trust that this will not cause any problems in your work?”_

_”No, sir, of course not!” Amy immediately replied._

_”This relationship will be strictly professional,” Jake continued. “Detective in the streets, effective in the sheets, you know?”_

_Amy turned to glare at him, to which he shrugged and smiled. Holt stared at them unamusedly._

_”Yes, speaking of sheets. I trust that I will not find you in any sort of compromising positions?” Amy quirked an eyebrow and looked at him in confusion, so he took the hint and continued. “On the night of Jake’s graduation, I seem to remember hearing the word… **bone.”**_

_”Oh my god,” Amy covered her face, trying to hide the redness that she could feel quickly rising there. “I’m so sorry, Captain. No, nothing like that.”_

_”Perfect. Dismissed.”_

_The two of them stood to leave the room, but Holt began speaking again._

_”Peralta? Thank you. For always saying that I would be Captain. It has little to do with me actually achieving this role, but your encouragement throughout the years did not go unnoticed.”_

_Jake smiled, nodding in Holt’s direction. “Any time, sir.”_

_They made their way back out into the bullpen, settling in at their desks. There was an air of excitement, of anticipation, and mostly, of contentedness. After all of the years they had worked, all in different precincts, all through grueling hours as beat cops and into their roles as detectives, they finally had a place that felt like home. She looked around the room, locating their friends throughout. Rosa, scowling in the general direction of Hitchcock, who was slurping noodles out of a bowl and offering for Scully to do the same. Charles talking with Terry, who was now their sargeant, about his dogs and Terry’s children. Gina, focused in on something in her phone from her desk._

_But most importantly, she looked across her desk to Jake. Her boyfriend, her best friend, and the best detective she knew. This was going to be everything she never even knew she wanted. This was going to be perfect._

“Mama! I picked a bow!” Josie barrelled into the room, dropping the purple bow with stars in Amy’s lap. Amy smiled, working to twist the front of her curls out of her face and then pinning them up with the bow. 

“Great choice, mija! Perfect.”

Jake made his way out into the living room soon after Josie was dressed. 

“Daddy, I bet I can beat you to the car!” 

“You have yourself a bet, Spec. What are the stakes?” 

“Extra scoop of ice cream after dinner?” 

He narrowed his eyes. “Hmmm, nice try. How about an extra cherry?” 

“Deal!” She took off, laughing loudly as she made her way to the door. 

Jake laughed as well, making his way to Amy and helping her to stand from the couch. 

“How you feeling?” 

She smiled. “Good. She’s moving around a lot today.”

He pulled her in for a quick kiss. “You sure you’re gonna be good for the road trip?”

“I’m not gonna miss this, Jake.”

His lips curved slightly, not truly forming a smile. “I know. I’m just a little worried. We’re getting close. And you know Jos didn’t exactly have the greatest timing when she made her arrival.”

“It’ll be fine. Don’t worry, promise I’ll let you know if I have any problems.” 

He swallowed thickly and kept her gaze for a moment, but nodded. “Alright. We should probably get out there, she might have stolen the car by now.” 

They quickly made their way to Gina’s to drop off Josie. A lot of things had changed since the ninety-ninth precinct had first opened its doors. Gina was no longer Holt’s assistant, instead choosing to work on her social media empire while caring for she and Rosa’s daughter, Iggy. She kept Josie most days, too. Iggy was a year older than Josie, but they were best friends _despite_ Iggy’s refusal to play Josie’s favorite game, cops. 

“Thanks again, G. See you at the vow renewal?”

“Girl, I _organized_ the vow renewal. You think I would miss it?”

Jake laughed knowingly. “Of course not. Hey, Spec. Be good for Auntie G, okay?” 

Josie nodded and ran over to hug him before returning to her friend. 

“How’s Ames doing?” 

Jake shrugged. “You know, same as always. Too stubborn to not go, but I just have a weird feeling. She said the baby’s been moving more than normal.”

“Hey, it could be nothing. Plus, she better not miss this. It’ll be the party of the year.” He raised his eyebrows, rolling his eyes a little. Gina laughed. “But seriously. Everything will be fine, Jake. You know we’re all here if you need anything.” 

“Aunt Ro-ro!” Josie shouted, practically running into her arms. 

“Josie! Good morning!” She hugged her quickly, then set her back down so they could do their secret handshake. 

Gina scoffed. “Where was my excited greeting?” 

Josie ran over to Gina for a hug. “Sorry Auntie G!”

“Hey, Ig,” Jake greeted. 

Iggy walked over to him, an annoyed look on her face. “ _Hi_ , Uncle Jake.” 

Jake laughed quietly. “You still mad at me?” 

She crossed her arms. “ _Yes._ ”

He got down on a knee to talk to her at her level. “Listen, Iggy. I’m sorry that I forgot that your goldfish was named Beyonce. It won’t happen again.” 

Iggy studied him carefully, but then shrugged her shoulders. “Fine. But I’m _not_ hugging you.” 

He laughed and stood back up. “Wow Gina, you really can’t even tell she’s yours.” 

Gina scrunched her eyebrows up. “Yeah, I could say the same thing about that one and you. Sure, she’s Amy, but that little girl has Jake Peralta written all over her.” 

“Alright, c’mon, Jake. We have a lot to do today. Bye girls!” Rosa waved across the room to the children who were already consumed by their play. She gave Gina a quick peck on the lips before walking out the door and leaving Jake behind. 

Jake chased after her, knowing that it was possible that she’d leave him there if he didn’t make it to the car fast enough. It had happened before. They carpooled to work a lot now that they had to drop Josie off in the morning anyway. Today, Rosa had some work to get done at the precinct, but Jake and Amy had some special last-minute tasks to take care of for Holt’s vow renewal ceremony to take place later that night. 

“How are you feeling, Amy?” Rosa asked as soon as she got in the car. 

Amy smiled at Rosa before shooting an annoyed look at Jake. “I’m feeling great, why?” 

“I don’t know. Stressful day, what with your mentor renewing his vows and all. We all know how stress and a very pregnant Amy works out…” She tapped her hands loudly on Josie’s car seat for effect. 

Amy laughed humorlessly. “I’m fine. Not stressed at all, in fact! This baby isn’t going anywhere.” 

Jake glanced at her, then at Rosa through the rearview mirror. He wasn’t so sure. 

“So you’re coming up there with Gina, then? I wanna make sure we have all this together, this vow renewal has been years in the making.” 

Rosa laughed in Amy’s general direction. “Yes, mom. Gina is coming by to pick me up and we’re driving up with the kids when I’m done with work. We’ll be there by seven, but probably a little earlier. I’ll keep you updated so you know when to expect Jos.” 

Amy nodded, but they were already at the precinct to drop Rosa off. 

“And don’t worry, I already talked to Charles and he’s on the food situation. He’s clearing everything with me beforehand so there won’t be any weird inedible food.” She got out of the car, but leaned back in the door before shutting it. “Oh, and Amy? It’s okay to be wrong about this, you know. We would all rather have you and the baby safe than anything else.” 

She shut the door before Amy could respond, so she instead turned her irritation toward Jake. 

“Why does everyone think I’m going to have this baby today? It’s not happening. Not today.” 

“Yeah, I seem to remember hearing some very similar words the day I first held Josie. Remember?” 

Amy scoffed. “Jake, I was in the middle of a _hostage situation_. That’s a completely different level of stress.” 

“Yeah, you’re telling me.” 

_”We’ve got a 10-31, requesting 10-85. There are at least 6 hostages, HNU is on the way, but we will need a 10-85 down to People’s United on Flatbush.”_

_People’s United. That was his bank. That was Amy’s bank. Amy had the day off. She was just under nine months pregnant, and while she hadn’t started her maternity leave yet, she had an appointment that day. She had three things lined up for her day when she and Jake had last spoken that morning. She was going to head to her doctor’s appointment, make her way to the grocery store, and then stop at the bank. At **that** bank. People’s United. On Flatbush. Which currently housed six hostages._

_But Amy couldn’t be one of them. I mean, what are the chances of that? Jake was en route to the bank, Rosa trying to calm him from the passenger’s seat, but he wasn’t hearing anything she was saying. He was already driving way faster than was legal, but his nerves wouldn’t allow him to slow down._

_Rosa was communicating with the other squad through her radio, letting them know that she and Jake were on the way. They were still about five minutes away when the call came through._

_”Copy that, Diaz. Update on the hostages, two men, four women. 10-54 to the scene of People’s United on Flatbush.”_

_”10-54? Why do they need an ambulance? They didn’t say shots fired. No shots fired, no injuries, right? Oh my god, what if Amy’s there? Fuck, Rosa-”_

_He was cut off by new chatter on the radio. “One of our hostages is pregnant, she appears to be going into labor, 10-54, copy?”_

_”Calling one in now.” An unknown voice responded._

_Jake quickly pulled the radio out of Rosa’s hands. “This is Detective Jake Peralta, badge number 9544. En route to People’s United. Do you have a line of contact with the hostages?”_

_A beat before an answer came through. “...Yes.”_

_”The hostage, pregnant hostage. Amy Santiago?”_

_Another beat. “Yes.”_

_Jake flicked on the sirens, flooring the gas pedal. Five minutes was way too long to not be present for whatever was happening, whatever Amy was going through. She was in labor. In a bank. In the middle of an armed robbery._

_”Jake, slow down. She’s going to be okay.”_

_”Peralta, we’re on the way, too. Don’t do anything stupid.” Holt’s voice coming through the car speakers as Rosa answered his call._

_”Amy’s in there. I’m going in.”_

_”Jake, no-” He hit the button on the dash to end the call._

 

_”One thousand pushups, Rosa. Ten thousand. I’ll give you ten thousand pushups if I’m wrong.”_

_”You can’t give me any pushups if you get yourself shot storming in there like some kind of idiot.”_

_”It’s Amy.”_

_”And the best thing you could do for her would be to stay safe and work on safely getting her out of that situation.”_

_”And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”_

_He screeched to a stop, hopping out of the car seemingly before it was even finished moving. He ran toward the building, flashing his badge to the officers that were already outside. “Peralta, 9544. My wife is inside, give me a rundown, what can I do?”_

_”Well, hostages are in this room,” the man pointed to a window. “Three perps, all masked and armed. They’re guarding the doors here.”_

_”What about back doors? Roof access? What do you know?”_

_”I’m sorry, I’m not sure. We were instructed to stand down until the hostage negotiation unit got here. We’re just keeping our line of contact with the hostages open.”_

_”What line of contact?”_

_Rosa was now standing beside Jake, listening to the conversation with wary eyes. She knew Jake, and she knew that he was not going to be easy to talk down. The man held out a cell phone. “One of the hostages called.”_

_”Hello?” Jake asked. He waited a moment, listening, then spoke again. “Yes, thanks. I’m Detective Peralta, my wife is in the room. Amy Santiago. She’s in labor. Can you put her on, please?” Another brief pause. “Ames? Oh my god, are you okay?”_

_”Jake?” She was breathing hard, voice straining a little. “Yeah, I’m okay, I’m fine. My, uh, my water broke… But the… the perps just took us in here and left us alone. I don’t think they really want anything to, oh- ow, sorry… I don’t think they want anything to do with us.”_

_”Hey, okay, first of all, is somebody timing your contractions?” A quick pause. “Good, okay. Keep me updated on that. Why didn’t the doctor keep you if you’re already in labor?”_

_”Appointment got… cancelled.”_

_”Of course.” He sighed. Wasn’t the first time they’d had trouble with the doctor they were using. “Tell me what you see in there, Ames. I’m gonna try to come in, but I need to know the best route.”_

_”No, don’t. They aren’t doing anything to hurt us, but if you come in here, who knows what they’ll do.”_

_”Ames, please look. I’m not leaving you in there, in labor, with armed men.”_

_There was a pause as she shuffled around, mumbling a ‘thank you’ to someone who probably helped her to get up. “Okay… There’s a staircase to the left of this room. It leads upstairs, but I’m not sure if it has roof access.” She stopped, a quiet groan before she sucked in a sharp breath. “Uh… God, uhm, I see a back door, but I assume it’s locked. You wouldn’t be able to get in there without being noticed. You’d have to sneak behind them to get into the room with us, regardless.”_

_”To the roof it is, I guess. How many minutes was that? That sounded like another contraction.”_

_”...Four. Jake, I’m scared.”_

_”Hey, I know. It’s okay. I love you, I’m coming. I’m coming.”_

_”I love you.”_

_He placed the phone in the man’s hand and took off around the corner of the building, looking for a way to reach the roof. He could call for tactical units, for a truck or a cherry picker or something, but that would all take time, and that was something he did not have. He located a tree pretty close to one of the corners and started off in that direction._

_”Jake, stop! You’re going to get somebody-”_

_”I’m not doing nothing, Rosa! She’s in there, and she’s scared! I’m going in. They can trade me for her. I don’t care.”_

_He was already making his way up the tree, albeit shakily, with Rosa yelling after him._

_”What are we supposed to tell your daughter when she’s born and you’re not here because you got yourself killed being an idiot?!”_

_”That’s not going to happen, so it doesn’t matter. Listen, Rosa. I’m doing this. Call tactical in so they can have stuff ready for if any of my hostages need to jump.”_

_”Jake!” She yelled again. He looked down toward her. “Be careful.”_

_Rosa was calling someone, he assumed a tactical team, when he made it to the top of the tree. The branches were small, and Jake was swaying uncomfortably. Luckily, he was high enough that he just needed to kind of fumble to the side, where he fell hard on the top of the building. He pulled himself up quickly, groaning a little at the sensation from the impact on his shoulder. He stood up to wave down at Rosa and let her know that he was okay. He watched Holt walking up, appearing to be quite angry, then waited a moment as he watched him pulling up his radio._

_”Peralta, what are you doing?”_

_”You know how bad I wanted to go after Rosa when she was in that active shooter situation? This is my wife and my child. I’m going in.”_

_”That’s ridiculous. Get back down here, HNU is on the way.”_

_”What would you do if it was Kevin trapped in there, huh? You’d just leave him, just wait to see what happened?”_

_There was a lengthy pause before Holt sighed into the receiver. “What is your plan?”_

_Jake turned to look around. “Well, I see a door on the roof, here. If I can get the door open, I should have access to the upstairs. Amy said she can see the staircase from the room they’re in, but I’ll have to sneak behind the perps to get in. Then I can sneak the other hostages back upstairs.”_

_Holt sighed yet again. “This is a terrible idea, but seeing as you’re on the roof and I have minimal opportunity to stop you, I’ll do what I can to help. But Peralta, **be careful**.”_

_Jake got to work on the latch to the door. It was rusty, so it only took two good kicks to break off. Terrible security for a bank, and after this situation, he and Amy would no longer be using this bank. “Okay, I’m heading in. Stay quiet, and keep watch. If you see me, create some sort of distraction. Copy?”_

_”Copy.”_

_So he trailed into the building quietly. There were little windows in the hallway he was going down that overlooked the lobby, so he could catch quick glimpses of what was going on below him without giving himself away. The three men were in the corner of the building, huddled together like they were talking. One of them walked toward the windows in front and looked out, assessing all of the police out there._

_”I don’t know, man. It’s not good. That hostage in there’s a cop, you know? We can’t just leave her there, she’ll know too much.”_

_”Man, I didn’t come here to kill nobody. The plan was come in, put the people in a room, get the money, and run.”_

_”Yeah, but that was when our plan didn’t involve a pregnant cop as a hostage. You see how many police are out there, man? We’re fucked. She’s gonna go right back to them and tell them everything she knows about us, which is way too much. Cops are trained for this, way better than the rest of those people. We have to get rid of her.”_

_Jake is listening to their words, but all he’s doing is trying to find the fastest, safest way into that room with her. They’re arguing about shooting his wife. His pregnant wife, who is currently having contractions at probably less than four minutes apart, one room away from him, in the middle of an armed robbery._

_He was standing in the doorway of the stairs, now. Holt caught sight of him there, and came to knock on the front door. Over the loudspeaker, he announced that he had something to offer to the men, would they open the door a crack so that they could speak to him?_

_All three men trailed toward the door, leaving Jake an opportunity to run stealthily toward the room full of hostages. He’d hoped that Amy had briefed them on his arrival so that no one yelled and gave away his location._

_Everyone was silent when he came in, right up until he shut the door silently behind him._

_”Oh my god, do you have a gun?”_

_”Are you here to save us?”_

_”What are they doing out there?”_

_”Lock the door back!”_

_He turned and twisted the lock. “There are locks inside the rooms? So they’re locked out of here?” A bank employee nodded. “These are the worst bank robbers ever.”_

_He turned and rushed to Amy’s side. “Hey, Ames, how are you doing? How are the contractions?”_

_The man holding the timer next to her spoke up. “Down to about three and a half minutes. That’s cutting it pretty close.”_

_”I am not going to have this baby on the floor in the bank, Jake. I’m not doing it. She’s staying inside.”_

_Jake smoothed his fingers gently along Amy’s bump, talking softly. “Hey, Spec. I know you’re ready to get out here and join all this excitement, but you gotta stay in there a while longer, okay?”_

_”I’m a doctor, but she won’t let me look,” the man informed him. He pulled a badge out of his pocket, revealing his name and a photograph of him wearing a white doctor's coat. Dr. Mendez. “She just keeps saying she’s not having this baby here, so there’s no point in checking her.”_

_”Ames, maybe we let him check, yeah? You-” His voice strained uncomfortably as she gripped onto his hand. “You know, just in case she has her own plan, right? We want her to be safe.”_

_”Jake, there are three men with guns out there. This isn’t safe.”_

_”Yeah, but that somehow isn’t the most pressing safety matter for our daughter right now. Maybe he can help us get a little bit of a time frame, I can relay that back to Holt.”_

_”There’s, uh, there’s a box of gloves in that desk over there,” one of the employees spoke up._

_”Okay, Ames? Hey, it’s gonna be okay. He’s just gonna do a quick check, then we’ll have a little more information and know what to do next, right? Okay, I love you.”_

_Another quiet groan. “No. No, it’s not okay. I love you, too. But this isn’t okay. What if he isn’t even really a doctor? It’s not okay that I’m on the floor of a bank with my daughter threatening to come out of me. None of this is okay. I’m scared and I’m not ready and-”_

_”Hey, shhhh, I know. I know you are. But this is happening right now, whether we like it or not. So we’re gonna have to work with what we have, and that means you’re gonna have to take a deep breath and hold my hand and let him check. He showed me his hospital badge, he’s a doctor.”_

_Tears started falling quickly, and she couldn’t stop them once they started. “Okay.”_

_”Okay, jackets, sweaters, anything we can have her lay on?” The doctor asked around._

_Jake quickly shrugged off his leather jacket and others began passing their items up to help situate Amy. They turned her so that she was facing away from everyone, draping Jake’s jacket overtop of her so that she had a little bit of privacy. She rested her head in his lap and he held her hand and ran his fingers through her hair comfortingly._

_”You know, I’ve gotta say, this is not how I pictured this going down, babe.”_

_The doctor squirted some sanitizer on his hands before putting on his gloves, trying to sound comforting as he mumbled out a quick, “Ready?” before ducking underneath the jacket._

_”This wasn’t in the birth plan,” she stifled a short laugh, then sucked in another breath as the doctor poked around at her._

_He resurfaced from under the jacket, a solemn look on his face, and discarded his gloves. “Someone pass me that hand sanitizer?” A woman across the room offered him some, which he gratefully accepted._

_”So, what’s uh… happening down there?” Jake asked._

_”Well… You’re going to have a baby, today. Pretty quickly.”_

_”No. No, no, no. No, I’m not. Not me. This baby is not coming out. Not today.”_

_”I’m sorry to tell you, ma’am, but that baby is definitely coming out. I would guess within the next hour or two, but maybe even sooner.”_

_”My water **just** broke! Not even an hour ago! How am I already about to have this baby?”_

_He shrugged. “Every woman is different, every labor is different. And the water breaking doesn’t necessarily signify the beginning of labor. Sometimes it happens closer to the end.”_

_”Captain, Amy’s about to have this baby in here, what am I supposed to do? If I move hostages, they’ll have to jump down. Amy won’t be able to make that jump. I have a doctor in here. The perps are discussing using force… But we’re locked in the room, they won’t be able to unlock the door.”_

_”HNU is here now. They’re making communication with the assailants. Hopefully within the next little while we’ll have some progress. How long before… the baby?”_

_”Estimated less than two hours.”_

_The sound from a gunshot rippled through the room, startling everyone. The doorknob for the locked door clattered to the ground, budging the door open. Jake rushed over to the door, standing solemnly in front of it, gun pulled and ready to step out if he needed to._

_”Shots fired, shots fired,” the radio called out._

_”Man, there’s a cop in here!”_

_”What the fuck?”_

_”Hey, hey guys! I’m Jake! That’s my wife in there, having a baby…” He stepped out of the room, trying to keep some distance between the men and the hostages, between the men and Amy._

_He was ultra-focused on the three guns trained on him, but he had his own gun in his hand._

_”Jake!” Amy called from the other room. “Jake, don’t get hurt!”_

_”Everything’s fine, Ames. Don’t worry, okay?” He said this without turning his head, without blinking away from the men facing him. “Listen, we don’t want any trouble, okay? She’s just going through-”_

_”Shut the fuck up,” the closest man snapped. Jake tensed as he moved closer, pushing the door open. Jake backed through the door before the man could get in, but he quickly followed after. He was still between the man and Amy, but they were all so close. Things were falling apart so quickly. Suddenly, there was a clattering of broken glass in the front of the building._

_”NYPD, drop your weapons! I said drop your weapons!”_

_”You heard them,” Jake said quietly to the man who was in the room with them. “Drop your weapon. That’s the only way things are going to end well for you.”_

_The man laughed. “Things aren’t going to end well for me anyway, right?” His gun was still pointed at Jake’s chest. He was extremely aware that he was not wearing his vest. He swallowed as Rosa’s words echoed in his head. What if he died before his daughter was born? While his daughter was being born right next to him. “If I have to lose, you should lose, too.” The man cocked his gun and swivelled to point it at Amy. Without a second thought, Jake fired a shot at the man, bringing him to the ground immediately._

_”Jake!?” Rosa yelled, turning the corner into the room. Jake kicked the dropped gun away from the man, who’d been shot in the shoulder._

_”I’m fine.” Jake replied gravely. “Cuff him.”_

_Rosa complied quickly. “We already have the other two out there. It’s over.”_

_Jake dropped to the floor, sighing in relief as he held Amy close to him. “See? Hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry. We can get to the hospital, now. There’s an ambulance waiting for us. She won’t be born in the bank. She’s safe, you’re safe.”_

_Amy whimpered quietly, nodding and pressing her head against his chest. She was uncomfortable, but she was able to sit and move around still._

_The next bit of time was a blur. Jake and Amy headed to the hospital, the rest of the squad staying behind to work on completing the arrests. Amy’s contractions picked up speed after all of the commotion, the ambulance ride leaving Jake’s hand cramping from all of her squeezing. He wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. A potentially broken hand was far from the worst case scenario of that day._

_A little over two hours later, Amy was in her hospital bed, holding a tiny little baby with thick, dark hair, wrapped up in a blanket._

_Jake was sitting on the edge of her bed, an arm wrapped around her shoulders and marvelling at the tiny little creature that they had made, pressing kisses against Amy’s temple. “You did so good, Ames. Look what you did.”_

_”She looks just like you,” Amy whispered, turning to look at Jake with an exhausted smile._

_He laughed. “No way. She’s way cuter than me. She looks like you.”_

_He reached over and touched his daughter’s hand, a smile spreading across his face as she gripped onto his finger with her own tiny fingers. “Can you believe this is the little baby I’ve been talking to every morning? She’s really here.”_

_There was a knock at the door. It was pushed open slightly, and before it stood Holt and Rosa. “Hello. Are you ready for visitors?”_

_Amy nodded and smiled. Jake grinned up at them before looking back down at the baby, smile wider than ever._

_”She’s precious,” Holt said quietly. “Children are wonders.”_

_”What’s her name?” Rosa asked._

_”Her name,” Jake began, shifting as Amy passed the baby to him. “Is Josephine. After my Nana. And her middle name… Is Rae.”_

_”Like Raymond,” Amy said quietly, looking at Holt. “After you.”_

_”Congratulations,” Holt said quietly, an emotional twinge in his voice. “This is unexpected.”_

_”Do you want to hold her?” Jake asked, moving to stand up._

_”I would love to hold her.”_

_Holt moved to the chairs on the other side of the room and Jake walked over, placing his tiny daughter in his Captain’s hands. He stepped back to watch him interact with the baby. “Well, hello, small child. You’ve entered this world on a very stressful day. We’re all so happy to have you here.” Holt sniffled quietly._

_Jake walked back over, lightly trailing his fingers along Josie’s forehead. “Say hi, Spec. This is your grandpa Holt.” He looked at Holt, smiling. “Hope that’s okay?”_

_”I would be honored.”_

_Rosa, also sniffling quietly to herself, began to work to distract from some of the emotion in the room. “You know, Jake, they’re calling you a hero. ‘Brooklyn Detective climbed tree to make it into building and save hostages.’ You’re basically John McClane.”_

_Jake beamed, accepted Josie back as Holt stretched his arms out, and returned back to Amy with their baby. “Wild that I have something right here that makes me even happier than that.”_

\-- 

They had been in the car for about thirty minutes, working on making their way out to Albany, where the ceremony would be held. It was about a three hour drive, and their frequent stops for Amy’s bathroom breaks were not making it any shorter. The song changed and Jake turned quickly to Amy, a huge smile on his face. 

“You remember this?” 

The corners of her lips curved upward as she refocused on the memory. “You mean when you proposed?” 

_I swear to God when I come home,_  
_I’m gonna hold you so close,_  
_I swear to God when I come home, I’ll never let go._  
_Like a river I flow,_  
_To the ocean I know._  
_You pull me close, guiding me home._

“This song is the reason I didn’t abandon the idea when everything went wrong that night, you know. I wasn’t going to do it, but then this song came on.” 

His eyes travelled over her now, slowly taking her in. “I’m glad I did.” 

“You never told me what your actual plan was.” 

His laugh erupted out of him, covering the sound of the song still playing around them. “Well, I can’t tell you now. You’ll be disappointed with how it actually happened.” 

_And I need you to know that we’re fallin’ so fast,_  
_We’re fallin’ like the stars,_  
_Fallin’ in love._  
_And I’m not scared to say those words._  
_With you, I’m safe_  
_We’re fallin’ like the stars_  
_We’re fallin’ in love._

She rested her hand on top of his on the center console, lacing her fingers with his. The metal of the two bands on her fourth finger rubbed against his skin and he couldn’t stop the grin that formed. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe that after all this time, he still got to spend his days with her. 

“Well, you know we were going out for a date. What I hadn’t told you was that I had saved up a little bit of money. I rented the roof of that building, the one from-” 

“From that stakeout?” 

“God, I’m surprised you hadn’t already figured this all out.” 

“You really rented the roof of that building?” She was looking at him now, eyebrows scrunched as her lips parted in disbelief. 

“Rented it, had it all set up for us. It was going to be perfect, Ames. I had lights strung around, a nice little blanket set up. I brought a projector up there so we could watch movies on the wall. And then you know, the picnic stuff…” 

“Jake, that’s all so sweet.” 

He laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, I wish it had gone down differently.” 

She suddenly pulled her hand away. “What? No. I wouldn’t trade your proposal for any other proposal in the world. It was perfect.” 

He turned to her, eyebrow cocked up in disbelief. “Yeah, okay, Ames. Whatever you say.” 

“Let me tell you why.” 

She recounted the story to him. 

_It was a calm, summer day. Late August, not too hot. They were twenty-six years old, together for a little over five years. Jake had been acting weird all day._

_”Babe, it’s **fine**. It’s just a little traffic, yaknow? We can go on a special date night some other time.”_

_”No. It’s not just some traffic, the entire freeway is shut down. We haven’t moved an inch in almost two hours, Amy.” He sighed dejectedly, resting his head in his hands._

_”Well, I have an idea…” Their seatbelts had long been unbuckled. She leaned over onto his side, sliding her hand up his thigh tantalizingly slow._

_He squirmed under her touch, almost uncomfortably. She recoiled, leaning back against her door and folding her hands in her lap. “Sorry.”_

_”No, Ames…” He sighed again. “It’s just that none of this is going quite the way I pictured it.” She was looking at him curiously, so he continued after a brief pause. “I mean… It’s been such a long time since we’ve really gotten to go out, I really wanted it to be special.”_

_She nodded knowingly. “You’re right. But honestly, any time I spend with you is special. I’m happy to just be sitting here in the car with you, really. We can turn this into our date night.”_

_Right as she was finishing her sentence, her stomach growled aggressively. It wasn’t just a tiny sound, more like a roar. Jake sighed again. She giggled. “I mean, I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we had some food.”_

_Jake still had his face buried in his hands, but he slowly turned his head to look at her, now. She watched as realization washed over him, but she was left out of whatever thought he had happened upon. He looked out the window at the night that was working to overcome the daylight. “Well, I guess we’re not going anywhere, huh?”_

_”Hey, where are you going?”_

_Jake was out of the car, travelling around to the back and lifting open the trunk. Amy twisted around in her seat to try and see what he was doing. He shut the trunk and walked around to her side of the car, opening her door for her and waiting for her to get out. They were garnering attention from neighboring cars, now._

_”What is all that?” She gestured down to his hands, holding a cooler and a blanket._

_”You’re right. We can’t make it to our date, but I can bring the date to us.”_

_He spread the blanket out on the hood of his car and set down the cooler, lifting her into his arms and setting her on the hood. “Hold on.”_

_He leaned into the open window of his car, turning up the radio, then switched his music to a spotify playlist full of love songs. Once he was finished, he joined her on the hood of the car, leaning back against the windshield and kicking his feet up. “Happy date night, Ames.”_

_She smiled as he opened the cooler between them, revealing a bottle of her favorite champagne. As he was uncorking the bottle and pouring it in the glasses he brought, she was looking through the cooler. There were small sandwiches, a container full of assorted fruits, a bag of popcorn, chocolate, and of course, a bag of sour gummy worms._

_”Wow,” she said softly. “You put all this together?”_

_He smiled. “C’mon, it was nothing, babe.”_

_So they laid on the hood of the car, talking, joking, and laughing together. They snacked and sang songs, finally ditching the cooler in the car and snuggling against one another to look up at the stars as the music played softly beneath them. When they first got out on the hood, cars around them would beep every now and then, gesturing for them to kiss whenever they’d get their attention, but as dusk turned to night, people stopped paying as much attention to them._

_That’s when the song came on. It was a song that they both knew, one they had listened to when they were separated once. Jake had been temporarily imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. The months that he spent in prison were painstaking not only for him, but for Amy, as well. During that time, he’d gotten a hold of a smuggled phone, using it to call Amy whenever he could. On his first call, he gave her the title of a song that he was going to use as a means of coping._

_I swear to God when I come home,_  
_I’m gonna hold you so close,_  
_I swear to God when I come home, I’ll never let go._

_”God, this song always gets me. I listened to it every night that you were gone, you know. It helped me feel like you were with me.”_

_He had mentioned the song on that one phone call, the first call that they had while he was in prison. She had never heard of it, but said she would listen. They never spoke of the song again. It occurred to him once while he was still in prison, wondering if she’d ever listened, but he never remembered to ask. As he spent more and more time away from prison, the memory and the meaning of the song for him faded a little at a time._

_”You did?”_

_She nodded against his chest, softly mumbling some of the words into his shirt._

_”And I’m not scared to say those words, with you I’m safe.”_

_He tightened his arms around her, pressing a kiss onto her temple. Suddenly the little velvety box in his pocket was burning against his thigh. As badly as he wanted this to be perfect, he was having trouble thinking about walking away from this moment without doing it._

_”Ames…”_

_His tone must have gotten her attention, because she moved to push herself off of him, propping herself up on an elbow to look at his face. “What?”_

_He looked at her a moment, at the pale moonlight illuminating her face, glistening on her eyes. He pushed himself off of the car, sliding down to his feet. He stepped around so that he was in front of her. She adjusted, confused, and sat in front of him cross-legged. “Jake, what’s going on?”_

_He cleared his throat. He was doing this. “Amy Santiago,” he reached into his pocket, pulling out the box before he knelt down on one knee. Her hands immediately clasped over her mouth._

_”I fell in love with you long before I had the nerve to say the words. Honestly, I may have fallen in love with you the day we officially met, when you punched me in the face for being a dick.” He laughed quietly and her hands fell away from her face to join him in a hushed laugh. “Every single day since then has been an adventure with you by my side. You have made me better every single day. I want to spend every day for the rest of my life making you laugh, Ames. I love you so much. I love how smart you are, I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. And I have spent nights without you, and I never want to do that again. So…” He paused, opening up the box and revealing the ring to her. “Amy Santiago, will you marry me?”_

_The glistening in her eyes intensified as tears threatened to fall. “Jake Peralta, I will marry you.”_

_He breathed a sigh of relief as he slid the ring on her finger, standing to meet her in a kiss. Her arms wrapped around his neck tightly, and the other cars around them all began honking and cheering. They smiled at one another, still wrapped in each other’s arms, before turning and waving to all of the excited bystanders._

_And things, of course, didn’t get **too** heated, but the makeout session that followed in the dark car was definitely PG-13, followed by a very R-rated experience once they finally made it home._

“It was perfect,” Amy repeated, sighing dreamily. “Because you know what, nothing is _ever_ perfect. Things are hard, and confusing, and even though I _love_ planning, things never go as planned. So it was fitting that the proposal went the same way.” 

He chuckled. “Yeah, you didn’t exactly have that same energy on our wedding day, though, did you?” 

She sighed again, this time with more force. “Well, we had spent quite a bit of time planning that for it to all go up in flames.” 

“C’mon, Ames. Don’t joke. It could’ve really all gone up in flames if there was actually a bomb.” 

She scoffed. “Yeah, you’re right. I mean, I guess it’s a good thing there wasn’t a bomb, but what a waste of planning.” 

“Well I,” Jake said pointedly, reaching back over to lace his fingers with hers, “ _loved_ our wedding. Like you said, nothing ever goes as planned. I’m just happy I get to experience all the surprises with you.” 

She smiled at him, then rested her head back against the headrest, closing her eyes. Her hands traced absentmindedly along her belly and she giggled at the baby’s responding movements. 

“I’m feeling so nostalgic today,” Jake announced. She turned back to him, watching the look of wonder that was ever-present in his eyes as he tried to keep his attention on her, stealing frequent glances to look at the road. “I just keep thinking about so many of the memories we’ve shared.” 

“Which ones?” 

He laughed. “When we told the squad about Spec." 

Amy’s laugh bubbled out of her lips. “That was the best day. I still can’t believe you came up with that plan.” 

“I still can’t believe we do it every year, now. The heist, I mean.” 

She laughed again. “Yeah, this has really morphed into a whole different thing, hasn’t it? And who even won? I mean, nobody, right? Nobody was the amazing detective slash genius the first year, were they?" 

“I mean, I’d have to say I won… I came up with the plan and since none of _them_ won…” 

She raised her eyebrows. “Are you saying you’re the only two-time winner of the heist? Holt would not agree with that.” 

He shot her a quick glance that suggested that it didn’t matter what Holt agreed with. “God, why were we even all stuck at the precinct that day anyway?” 

_”God, this could not have worked more perfectly,” Jake whispered to Amy. They were in the evidence lock-up. His plotting was going to work out one way or another, but he never imagined that he’d have an opening like this._

_Amy sighed. “Yeah, Jake. You’re right. We should be **excited** that we’re all stuck here for the next two days. With absolutely no action. I’m surprised at you more than anything, this is going to be paperwork-city. Normally I’d be excited, but you know in a few months I’m probably going to be stuck doing nothing but paperwork, what with this…” She gestured down to her abdomen. She still didn’t really have a bump, but you could see the tiniest little curve, and Jake loved it. He smiled adoringly._

_”That’s exactly why I’m excited, babe. Fourteen weeks, now.” He pulled out his phone, tilting the screen toward her, displaying an image that read ‘your baby is now the size of a lemon.’ “And fourteen weeks is more than twelve weeks, which means we can start telling people… If that’s okay with you.”_

_”I would love to start telling people. I’m excited. And I’m sure it’ll be pretty obvious within the next few weeks.”_

_His smile was growing by the second. “Okay, then I have the perfect plan.”_

\-- 

“A secret prize?” Rosa asked dubiously. 

“Is it lasagna?” 

“Ooooh, lasagna. Great idea, Scully. We’re out, it’s time for lasagna.” 

“What? Hitchcock, no.” Jake groaned. Maybe this would be more difficult than he thought. “Okay… On top of the secret prize, an item which the winner will receive, whoever wins gets out of doing paperwork tomorrow. We’re obviously going to have to do all of the paperwork tomorrow, since we’re taking so much of today to work on this case.” 

“A case?” Holt asked. “What case? Major crimes was assigned all of our open cases.” 

“Well…” Jake trailed off. He knew Holt would be the hardest to suck into this scheme. “It’s kind of, sort of, more of a… _hypothetical_ case…” 

Holt waved his hand at Jake to dismiss him, then turned away. 

“Alright, wait, let’s make it more interesting. I am so sure that none of you will be able to solve this case that I promise if any one person can solve it, I will stay here overnight and do paperwork, no overtime, until all of it is done.” 

Holt swivelled back around. “Okay, I’m listening. Do I get to participate?” 

“Yes. Everyone can participate. Except Amy, because I already told her about this hypothetical, so she knows. Also, important rule, Amy may not be used as a tool for winning, anyone who exploits Amy’s knowledge will immediately be disqualified.” 

Holt laughed. “That’s fair. You should prepare to work late, because I’m obviously going to solve the case. Then you all will still be doing your paperwork.” 

Rosa scoffed. “You think you’re the only one who has a chance at solving this case?” 

Holt’s laugh was booming. “I trained all of you-” he stopped to look at Hitchcock and Scully, who were still in the room, listening as the stakes were raised in this bet. “I trained _most of you_.” 

“Hey!” Hitchcock whined. 

Charles eyed Jake closely. “I don’t know, Jake. I’d rather hang out here and spend time with you while we do our paperwork, anyway…” 

“Okay, then I’ll add another stake. Whoever wins will… get the title of the most amazing detective… slash genius?” 

Rosa rolled her eyes, but Holt was speaking before she had a chance. “That sounds a lot more like something _you_ would desire, Peralta. Does it not?” 

Charles piped up. “I would be _honored_ to hear you call me an amazing detective slash genius!” 

“We’re back in,” Hitchcock announced. 

“What, why?” Amy asked suddenly, confused beyond measure. 

“Well, you’re all always acting like we’re not good detectives. We can prove ourselves!” Scully replied. 

“Yeah! We’re committed to our chairs, but we’re still amazing detectives _and_ geniuses.” 

“Alright, deal,” Holt commanded. “What is the case?” 

“Okay,” Jake began, waving everyone into the briefing room. Once everyone was settled, he stood behind the podium, animatedly setting the scene for this crime. 

“Okay, our suspect… Or Spec, if you will…” Amy smiled at him, but everyone else was too busy looking at him to notice. “Spec’s main crime has been larceny. Stealing all sorts of stuff. Food, alcohol, cigarettes…” Amy narrowed her eyes at him at that, like he didn’t know she had still been sneaking cigarettes during stressful moments up until she found out she was pregnant. “You name it, Spec’s probably stolen it.” 

“Who is the suspect stealing from?” Rosa asked. 

“Spec,” Jake corrected, “is stealing from one person. Our victim is a woman in her late twenties to early thirties. The worst part is, our victim has been going through a _rough_ time lately. She’s been pretty sick. Pretty lethargic, sometimes can’t even keep food down, which makes it even worse that Spec is stealing her food because damn, give the woman a break.” 

He faced a room full of thoughtful people, all trying to piece together the puzzle. “Spec has even been stopping our victim from sleeping. I’m sure this is contributing to how sick she’s been, but this isn’t confirmed. So not only is Spec a larcenist, but they’re also harassing the victim at all hours of the day.” 

Holt narrowed his eyes as he thought. “We need more information. About the victim and the… suspect.” 

“Spec.” 

“I am not going to shorten ‘suspect’ to make you happy.” 

Jake rolled his eyes. “Ugh, c’mon, Cap.” Holt stared at him blankly until Jake finally gave in with an annoyed sigh and continued. “Our victim has an unspecified job. It’s not really relevant to the case, but she’s very good at it. She’s ambitious and dedicated, so even though she’s going through all of this, it hasn’t affected her work. She is married and lives with only her husband-” 

“And her husband is the main suspect?” 

Jake laughed. “The husband was interrogated about the events, but he was decidedly not the suspect in question. He was a funny guy, seemed genuinely concerned for his wife’s wellbeing, but never actually saw the suspect in person, either.” 

“In person?” Rosa asked. 

“Uhhhh… Yeah. There was a photograph of Spec, but it offered no useful information. Our victim and her husband both saw the photograph, but there were no recognizable features from the photo, so it was deemed to be a waste. We do not have the photograph for the purposes of this hypothetical case.” 

Rosa scowled. “This is fake. There’s no real answer, right? That’s gotta be it. You’re making up photographs, making up scenarios.” 

“No,” Jake replied quickly. “It’s hypothetical, but it’s real. There’s a real answer, and once you know the answer, it’ll all make sense.” 

Gina rolled her eyes. “This is boring, I’m going back out into the bullpen to play Kwazy Cupcakes.” 

Jake shrugged as she left. 

“As for Spec, we really don’t have that much information about them. We don’t have prints, don’t have a physical description, don’t exactly have an age or anything.” 

“But it’s a person?” Rosa asked. 

“A _real_ person,” Holt clarified. 

Jake nodded. “And you can use any method you want to figure it out, but you only have until midnight, then I’m giving you the answer.” 

Charles shook his head. “Look, Jake, you know I love your plans and your games and everything… But I don’t think this is going to be possible for us to figure out, given what is known about the suspect. And… given that it’s hypothetical.” 

“I have to agree,” Holt cut in. “While we could definitely solve the case eventually, there’s no way that we can solve this case in so few hours with this little information and no _real_ people to interrogate, crime scenes to visit, et cetera.” 

Jake sighed dramatically. His plans were unravelling quickly, but he luckily had a backup plan. “ _Fine._ Then instead, we’ll have a heist.” 

“A heist?” 

“Yes, Charles. A heist.” He brandished a small box from within his pocket. It was white with a pink bow wrapped around it, keeping it closed. “The object? This box. This box _contains_ the answer. But since you’re all so sure that you won’t be able to figure out who Spec is, we’re going to disregard that completely. The new goal is to be the person in possession of the box at midnight. That person will be the winner, the one who gets the secret prize, and the one who does not have to do paperwork.” 

“So you would have to be in possession of the box to win then, right?” Rosa asked, a satisfied smirk on her face. 

Jake froze for a moment, realizing that he had trapped himself. “I guess so.” 

Holt’s laughter echoed through the room again. “So you went from basically guaranteeing that you would win to guaranteeing that you will be doing free overtime? Imbecile.” 

“I want in,” Amy practically shouted. “But I’m on Jake’s team. So if I have the box, he wins.” 

Holt scoffed. “ _Of course_. Santiago, I’m disappointed in you. Taking Peralta’s side simply because you’re married. You’ve already won a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake, you don’t have to help him win this heist, too.” 

“How _dare_ you? I’m not just choosing Jake’s side because I’m his wife.” 

“Wow, really thought the ‘how dare you’ was gonna be linked to his mean sex comment, but okay… _Anyway_. In order to make this a challenge for everyone, the box will be locked inside of the supply closet. It will be locked with the key, and the key will be given to a third party, AKA Gina. Whoever has it at midnight wins. Let’s go deposit the box.” 

The group all shuffled out of the briefing room, heading toward the supply closet down the hall. “Giiiiiina,” Jake yelled. “Heist ceremony, third party needs to be present!” 

She huffed in annoyance, but made her way over to the group, face still in her phone. “Ugh, Jacob! You’re such a nerd.” 

Jake made a show of opening the door obnoxiously, setting the box on the floor there, and flourishing his wrists as the left the room, closing and locking the door. “G? Key.” 

Gina accepted the key, placing it in her pocket and turning anticlimactically to walk back to her desk and continue playing with her phone. 

Everyone looked to Jake expectantly. He shrugged. “I don’t know, guys. Happy heisting?” 

The squad all dispersed, some sticking together and going off into separate rooms to discuss what to do next. Jake figured he’d take his chances, since he and Amy were now alone in the bullpen with Gina. 

“Hey, G? You think I could get that key?” 

Gina actually set down her phone to look at him. “Are you asking me if I, Regina Linetti, am willing to compromise my position as the keyholder for the precious heist?” She placed her hand on her chest in mock offense. “Because I absolutely do not care.” She presented the key to him. “Plus, I know what this is all about.” 

Amy looked at her seriously. “What do you mean you know what this is all about. Jake? Did you tell her?” 

“What? No, of course I didn’t tell her.” 

“Wow. That cuts deep, Jake. And here I was thinking we were best friends. ‘DDC forever,’ you said. And now you leave me with this.” 

He quirked an eyebrow at his dramatic friend. “If you know what it’s about, then what is it?” 

She shrugged. “You’re pregnant.” She gestured lazily to Amy. 

“Oh my god, shhhhhh,” Jake hissed quietly. “How did you know?” 

“ _Please_. She’s _glowing_. And not like, extra paperwork glowing. Like you guys did some extra _werk_ , if you know what I mean.” Amy made a kind of face at her, but smiled regardless. She was happy that someone else knew. “Plus, I just got back from maternity leave with Iggy. Those symptoms were so obvious. I’m surprised Rosa hasn’t figured it out. I’m happy for you guys.” 

Jake was beaming. “Thanks, Gina.” 

“Now go get your box, Daddy.” She grimaced after the words left her mouth. “Oh god, abort mission, that was gross.” He laughed and pressed a quick thank you kiss onto her forehead. She gagged audibly. “Jake, not better!” 

Amy hugged Gina quickly before following after Jake, hushed laughter in her voice. 

“Alright, you stand lookout. I’ll take on the real danger and open the door.” 

She agreed and stood at the end of the hallway, peeking around the corner to see if anyone was coming. Jake’s high pitched voice caused her to turn back around. 

“WHAT? HOW IS IT ALREADY GONE?” 

“What do you mean it’s already gone?” Amy turned around to see that the box wasn’t there. Jake’s face was full of panic, which only intensified when the rest of the squad came to see what the commotion was about. 

“I’m sure,” Holt pushed past Jake, walking into the closet. “Great diversion, Peralta. You say it’s gone, yet you have it on your person.” 

“No, it’s _gone!_ I opened the door and it was gone! It’s only been like three minutes. It was you, right?” 

Holt blinked at him as if that was a ridiculous question. “You- No. You have it.” 

“Pat me down, I don’t have it.” 

Holt quickly obliged, deciding that he was telling the truth and he did not have the box. 

“But why do you have the key?” 

“No distracties! Hold still and let me pat you down.” Rosa, Charles, and Amy watched as Jake came up with nothing, possibly panicking even more at that realization. 

“Rosa? Charles, pat her down.” 

Rosa scowled at Charles, who immediately put his hands up to show his innocence. “I dare you.” 

Charles hesitantly moved his hand forward as if he may follow up, and Rosa bent his fingers back. “I _don’t_ have it.” 

“Okay, okay, okay!” Charles yelled. 

“So it isn’t Rosa… Is it Amy? Pat her down, Charles.” Holt suggested. 

“Don’t pat down my wife! Amy doesn’t have it, she was with me the whole time!” 

“Sounds exactly like something somebody whose team has the box would say…” Holt stared at him, looking at Amy accusingly. 

“I don’t have it,” Amy rolled her eyes. “I was keeping watch for you guys when he opened the door.” 

“...Charles? Do you have it?” 

“What! Of course not. I’ve been Team Jake from the beginning.” 

“Oh my god, if none of us have it, then who’s left?” 

“ _Gina_ ,” Amy yelled, leading the crowd of everyone back into the bullpen. 

Gina was glaring at everyone when they walked in. “I haven’t left my desk. How would I possibly have the box?” 

“How did you know that’s what we were looking for if you’re not the one who has it?” 

“Well, _Jake_ , I guess we know that _you’re_ not the amazing detective slash genius. I knew because you’re all _screaming_ about it.” 

“...Oh.” 

Holt’s mouth dropped in realization. “Well… If we’re all here, and Terry isn’t working today… That leaves two people who could have the box… And they’re on their way to get lasagna.” 

“No…” Amy’s eyes widened in horror. 

“No way. How would Hitchcock and Scully have pulled that off?” Rosa was shaking her head in disbelief. 

“Oh my god,” Charles threw his hands up. “I know what happened.” 

After a lengthy period of silence, Gina rolled her eyes. “Okay, Charles, are you gonna tell us, or should I unsubscribe from this boring conversation?” 

“Scully keeps his extra snacks in the ceiling in the supply closet. You think a lock could keep him from his snacks?" 

“So what, he picked the lock?” Jake was pacing now. “He just picked the lock, just like that?” 

Holt was laughing again. “Did you think _Scully_ would be responsible for your overtime hours?" 

Jake joined Holt in his laughter. “I’m sorry, but you’re just going to let Scully beat you?” 

Holt’s laughter abruptly stopped. He looked at Jake seriously. “Where do they get their lasagna?” 

\-- 

Approximately three hours later, after using way more police resources than would have been comfortably explainable to the commissioner, and after the entire group split up, Jake finally ran into Hitchcock and Scully. 

“Oh… my god….” Jake gasped, trying to catch his breath. He had been running all around the city like a madman, set on finding Scully before Holt. He dropped to his knees in front of them, supporting himself on the ground with his hand. “God, I’m gonna throw up. But I have never been so happy to see you in my life.” 

“Aw, Jakey!” Scully shouted. “I’m happy to see you, too!” 

Jake composed himself for a moment, then stood back up. “Do you have the box?” 

“The box? What box?” 

Jake put his hands up, staring silently at both Hitchcock and Scully. They both stared back, blank looks. 

“Scully, please tell me you’re joking. Please tell me you have the box.” 

“Well, I got a takeout box from Fragole with extra lasagna, but we stopped on a bench for second dinner…” 

“Scully! No. The box. The heist, the box? Little white box, pink bow wrapped around it? Ringing any sort of bell? It was in the closet where you keep your snacks?” 

“ _Oh!_ Why didn’t you say something sooner! Yeah, that box is right here.” He dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled it out, presenting it to Jake. 

“Oh, thank god. I thought everything was ruined.” 

“Yeah, I picked it up off the floor when I went to go get my snacks. You really shouldn’t leave it sitting around like that. I don’t know what’s inside, but it looks like it could be important.” 

“I told him you’re probably going to propose to Amy.” Hitchcock shrugged. 

“...Hitchcock you were literally at our wedding… And Scully, weren’t you guys standing there when we put the box in the closet as part of the heist?” 

“Yeah! That’s what made me think I wanted to get some of my closet snacks before we left for lasagna.” He smiled warmly at Jake. 

“I- … Scully- You know what, nevermind. Can I have the box?” 

“Well, I don’t know, Jake. We do have the box… Now might be our chance to prove ourselves. Yeah, Jake. I’m keeping the box. Nothing can change my mind.” 

“I’ll buy you lasagna for a month.” 

“Honestly, I would have accepted one meal. Here you go.” Scully handed over the box. 

Jake breathed a sigh of relief, tucking the box safely into his pocket. “Thank you. Seriously. Also, be at Shaw’s at midnight. You know, for the answer to the unsolvable case.” 

“Will there be food?” 

Jake rolled his eyes. “Yes, Hitchcock. There will be food.” 

“See you there, my friend.” 

\-- 

“Okay,” Jake shouted over everyone’s groans. “Okay, I know you’re all disappointed that I won, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important, is the true identity of Spec.” 

Holt rolled his eyes. “What is the point of all this? Your suspect for your fake crime? A fake criminal, stealing fake food?” 

Jake shook his head. “That’s just the thing, Captain. Our suspect is real. And the object that was actually stolen? Much larger than food. No, no, no. This is _grand_ larceny.” 

“Your suspect… A real person with _no_ identifiable features, managed to steal something that cost over $3,000?” 

Jake looked at Amy with a smile and pulled her closer to him with the arm that was wrapped around her waist. “I don’t know. Would you say that my heart is worth more than $3,000?” 

Everyone glanced around at each other with confused looks. Gina rolled her eyes. “God, a precinct full of brilliant detectives and not a single one of you has figured this out yet. And you wonder why I don’t feel safe in this district.” 

“Peralta, what are you talking about?” Holt finally demanded. 

He sighed deeply, pulling the box out of his pocket. He looked toward Amy with a small smile, then pulled the bow off of the box. The entire squad was watching impatiently as Jake slowly removed the lid, tipping the box toward him so that no one but he and Amy could see the contents. Amy’s smile lit up her face as she looked at what was inside. 

Finally, still slowly, Jake pulled the folded sonogram photos out, unfolding them until the string of photos were hanging down, still facing him. He handed them to Amy, who turned them around for everyone to see. 

Charles jumped out of his seat, squealing loudly and startling Hitchcock. “OH MY GOD SPEC IS A BABY? IT’S YOUR BABY? YOU HAVE A BABY? I’M AN UNCLE OH MY GOD?” 

Jake was laughing as Charles ran over, wrapping Jake in the tightest hug. 

He bent down, talking directly to Amy’s stomach. “Hi, Spec! I’m Uncle Charles. Add my heart to the list, you little thief. I can’t wait to meet you.” 

Amy looked at Jake, a small smile on her lips, but begging him to help her. Jake laughed and grabbed Charles, pulling him back upward. “Okay, buddy, you’ll have tons of time to talk to the baby once she’s actually here.” 

“ _She_?!” 

“Oops,” Jake said quietly, glancing apologetically at Amy. 

Amy shrugged, smiling. “We don’t know for sure. The doctor _thinks_ it’s a girl, but we don’t find out officially for another two weeks.” 

“She’s the size of a lemon, guys!” Jake showed off his app. 

“Congratulations!” Rosa was smiling, too. She walked over and hugged Amy, then Jake. “Why do you call her Spec?” 

Jake laughed a little. “Well, it started at the first ultrasound appointment.” 

_Amy was squinting at the little projector as the nurse ran the wand over her belly, cold gel already in place. “I feel like I should see it…”_

_Jake laughed. He rolled his little chair over to the projector and pointed. “Look, babe. That little speck. That’s our baby. Right?”_

_He rolled back over, squeezing her hand lightly._

_”Yep, that little speck is your baby, alright.” The nurse replied with a smile._

_Amy took a deep breath, her eyes welling up with tears as she glanced at the perfect little speck on the screen. “Look at our speck, Jake.” When she first found out she was pregnant, she was terrified. To be honest, she was still a little scared, but looking at that little speck took every doubt out of her mind._

_”Our perfect little Speck.”_

He shrugged. “So she was Speck. But then I realized that if you shorten the word suspect, it could be Spec. And it all worked so perfectly, because she stole my heart the second I saw that little line on the test. My little suspect. My little Spec.” 

Amy leaned her head on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of her head in response. 

“She and Iggy are basically going to grow up together,” Rosa commented. 

“Yeah, they’ll probably be best friends just like me and Jake. Ya’know, if Iggy’s nice enough for a little charity work, like I was.” She smiled and elbowed Jake in the side. 

He stuck his tongue out childishly. “DDC second generation!” 

Gina cupped her hand over her mouth and yelled, “Dope denim creeewww.” 

After things had settled down a bit, Holt joined Jake and Amy at their table. 

“Spec,” he said quietly, as if he had been mulling it over in his head. “I like it.” 

Amy had the tiniest smile. “Thank you, sir.” 

“I just wanted to say… I know that neither of you have exactly had a wonderful past with your respective parents…” He shrugged. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll make fantastic parents. Distracting and childish? I would expect nothing less. But fantastic, nonetheless.” 

Jake, trying his hardest not to get choked up, cleared his throat. “Thanks, Captain.” He turned to Amy, who already had a few tears running down her cheeks. He kissed her cheek, catching a tear in its path. 

“I’m sorry, it’s,” she took a shaky breath, “it’s the hormones, not the, uh… Not the support from my mentor and captain.” 

Holt chuckled quietly. “Seriously. You both have shown a great deal of improvement since I first met you so many years ago. You’ve blossomed as detectives, and as humans in general. When I look at you, I see two kind, thoughtful individuals who try their hardest to make the world a better place for those around you. You love one another so much, and you’re constantly showing up not only for each other, but for all the other people you love, too. And when you really think about it, what more could you ask for in a parent?” 

Jake tried to laugh to cover the tears that were starting to fall from his own eyes. “It’s the hormones,” he said hurriedly, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. 

Holt laughed again, though he could feel himself getting emotional. Kevin would get a kick out of this scene. He always said that Jake and Amy brought out a different side in him, different than even the rest of the squad. “And know that no matter what, I am here if you ever need anything. I love you both.” 

“Permission to say it back?” 

“Permission granted.” 

“I love you, sir.” Amy said quietly. 

“Love you, Captain.” 

\-- 

“God, and can you believe we’re finally going to his vow renewal? I feel like he’s been mentioning this for years, but they just never got around to it." 

“That’s because that’s exactly what happened, Ames. They probably still wouldn’t be doing it except that Gina wanted a party to plan and decided this was the party she wanted.” 

Amy shrugged. “It really is crazy, everything that’s happened the past few years, though. Even just since the nine-nine opened. I mean, the witness protection thing, prison, that time you were locked in a safehouse with Kevin for a few weeks-” 

“Ugh, don’t remind him. I mean, obviously we’re best friends, but he still gets an attitude every time I bring it up. Although there was that one time he quoted Nic Cage to me…” 

Amy laughed. “They were at our wedding, they helped to settle our debate over kids, they’ve been around for every major moment in Josie’s life… And now we get to go to their vow renewal. I feel like we’ve come full circle.” 

“Babe, you’re forgetting when we gave them the picture! One of my favorite memories.” 

She was scrolling through her phone to find the picture in question. When she found it, she couldn’t help but smile. Her little family. Josie, sitting on Jake’s lap, holding one of those little letter boards. It read “Partner in Crime: Coming May 2031.” Amy sat next to them smiling, pointing to her belly. 

“Kevin cried so much when we told him,” Amy recounted. “Josie kept saying ‘It’s okay, Grandpa Kev! Momma says the baby is a _good_ thing!’ And that just made him cry more.” 

“And then Holt started crying, too. Ugh, stop, I’m gonna get emotional just thinking about it.” 

_”These are happy tears, Josephine,” Holt smiled to her as he said it. She climbed up on his lap and wiped a tear from his cheek._

_”Hey, Spec, come help me out in the kitchen,” Kevin called out._

_”Okay, Grandpa Kev!” Josie hopped off of Holt’s knee and padded into the kitchen._

_Holt smiled at Jake and Amy, looking down at the picture in his hands. “You know, I’ve been meaning to thank you.”_

_Amy tilted her head to the side. “Thank us? For what?”_

_”You know, I’ve never felt like anything was missing in my life. Especially not in my marriage. I’m happy, and I like to think that Kevin is happy, too. We discussed children and both decided that ultimately, that was something that we did not want to pursue…” He trailed off quietly, looking back down at the picture._

_Jake took Amy’s hand, feeling already where this conversation may be headed. He reflected back on when Holt found out about their pregnancy with Josie, how it had affected Amy so much._

_”While I never felt like I needed children of my own, I am so grateful that you have given me the opportunity to be a part of Josephine’s life. She truly is a little Spec. A little Spec of radiant light, shining on everyone she meets and bringing brightness to everything she touches. And the fact that you’re-” He shook his head, smiling. “The fact that you’re bringing another child into this world? Nothing could make me happier.”_

_As Jake anticipated, Amy was practically sobbing after his little speech. “Sir, we love you so much. Josie loves you _so_ much.”_

_”And you have really been monumental for us as new parents. I kind of like to think that we’re settling into this now… But your wisdom just about everything in general has been the light at the end of the tunnel for us on more than one occasion.”_

_”And with you always checking in on us, checking in on Josie…” She sniffled quietly. “She’s lucky to have **three** sets of grandparents who love her. But she’s especially lucky to have you and Kevin. As are we.”_

_Holt stood up, capturing the both of them in a hug. “Thank you.”_

_When they pulled away, Holt rocked back on his heels. “Oh, I also had something else I wanted to bring up…” He walked across the room, to his library. He went inside and returned holding a box. It was a pink box, decorated with small flowers. He smiled, almost nervously, and passed the box to them._

_Jake held the box, and Amy lifted the lid. Inside were tiny flower petals, a necklace with a flower pendant, Josie’s favorite snack, and a photo of Holt, Kevin, and Josie all together. On a little slip of paper, it read-_

_”Will you be our flower girl? Oh my god, I would _love to_ ,” Jake gushed._

_Amy smacked Jake’s shoulder, turning to face Holt. “The vow renewal?”_

_He smiled broadly. “Coming May of 2031.”_

_Amy’s hand rushed to her chest. “Oh, we would love for Josie to be your flower girl!”_

_”Honestly,” Jake smiled. “Nothing would make us happier.”_

\-- 

The rest of the car ride was full of stories. Memories, some long forgotten, and others frequently reflected on. The time Jake accidentally got on the wrong subway train, arriving to what he _swore_ was Amy’s abuela’s town, only to find out that he had gone two hours in the wrong direction with the retirement cake. 

The time that Amy brought Holt a Christmas gift, but tried to trick him into opening it, only for him to think someone had sent a bomb to the precinct. The entire building was evacuated. 

The time that Jake decorated the entire room with balloons for Amy’s 25th birthday. He had lit candles all throughout the room, trying to “set the mood,” he’d said. She practically panicked when she walked in the door. _“Jake, there’s a helium shortage! That means they’re using hydrogen to fill the balloons. Hydrogen is highly flammable!”_ They both ran around the room to blow out all of the candles. Nothing could ruin Amy’s birthday like an impromptu visit from Boone when they burned their apartment building to the ground. (Once the hazard was taken care of, Jake got a proper thank you. Or maybe Amy got a proper birthday gift, depending on who you asked). 

The first time they met Nikolaj. Charles had been so excited. He’d been giving Jake information about him all throughout the week, trying to prepare him for that weekend. _”You’re going to be best friends, I can feel it.”_

When Jake had gotten a really rough case at work. He came home in tears, he just couldn’t hold them back. He’d pulled Amy into his arms and practically dragged her to bed, just laying there and holding her for a while. She’d run her fingers through his hair probably thousands of times, kissing his forehead every now and then until he had finally dozed off. When she’d asked him about it when they woke back up, he’d said _”Just loving you enough for all the people who didn’t get that same treatment.”_

When Jake accidentally volunteered them for a carnival at Nikolaj’s school. He didn’t even look under the section he signed their names under. It was the dunk tank. And Amy glared at him every time she got dunked (eleven more times than _him_ , by the way). 

Their wedding night. The way his eyes travelled over her body as he slowly pulled the zipper down the length of her back, replacing the dress with the fuzzy robe from the hotel they were staying at. It had been _such_ a long day. He kissed along her jaw, settling his final kisses on her lips before they fell asleep, tangled together, telling stories about what they hoped for in their future. 

The honeymoon, when Jake came back into the room to find Amy dressed as Holly Gennaro, only for him to be dressed as Melvil Dewey. All these years later, that _still_ made their top ten. 

Holding Amy’s hand in the hospital, while she struggled through the birth of their first child. He’d kissed her face, asking between contractions if she was okay. _”At least we’re not at the bank,”_ she’d replied with a weak smile. Watching her holding their baby for the first time, wrapping his arms around her and holding onto the two most important things in his life. 

The first week home from the hospital, both of them receiving less than six hours of sleep _combined_. They both just stayed up to watch the baby. He could only sleep when Amy was asleep in his arms, and even then, sometimes he found himself awake, watching her breathing peacefully. 

Josie’s first birthday party. Moana themed, because she’d been dancing to Jake singing “You’re Welcome” off key since she was old enough to sit up. Pictures of the three of them, frosting covered smiles from sharing bites of Josie’s smash cake straight out of her hands, could be found in all of their loved ones’ homes. 

Their summer trips to the park. Jake would hold Josie up and help her to use the monkey bars, then he’d pass her to Amy and quickly climb on the monkey bars, hanging upside down and making silly faces at her. Josie’s laugh would ring through the park, first a soft giggle that she couldn’t suppress, until her belly laugh had her gasping for air, Jake and Amy joining her until they were all doubled over in the wood chips. 

Sometimes they’d stop for ice cream on the way home. Jake would always get a scoop of chocolate with extra sprinkles to share with his little Spec. When they found out Amy was pregnant again, he’d commented that she should get used to sprinkles so that she could share her ice cream with the new baby one day. Amy remarked that by the time the new baby was old enough to eat ice cream, Josie would probably be more than happy to have her own scoop. _”And not share with her dad?”_ Jake had exclaimed, fully offended. Amy rolled her eyes adoringly. Yeah, Josie was a daddy’s girl, but she had Jake wrapped all the way around her little ice cream covered finger. 

And now, here they stood. Making new memories. Amy pulled the bow on the back of Josie’s poofy, white dress, making sure it was tied tightly enough that it wouldn’t come loose during the ceremony. Her hair was curled, more tame and put together than her usual, natural curls. The bow in her hair was the same color as the dresses Amy, Rosa, and Gina all wore, a shade called dusty blue. It complemented her dark curls well. 

“Okay, Spec. You remember what we talked about? Grandpa Holt will be waiting up there for you, okay? You just have to throw your pretty flower petals and smile for everybody. There will be people taking pictures. And remember, Niko and Iggy will be walking with you, okay? You have to try to stay close to them.” 

Josie smiled and nodded. “Got it. Where will you be, Momma?” 

“I’ll be up there, and so will Daddy, but we’ll be on the sides. You have to go straight up to Grandpa Holt, and you’ll be standing there until it’s all over. Sound good?” 

She nodded again. “I’m gonna throw these flowers _so good_.” She propped her hand on her hip sassily, flinging the empty basket to the side as she did so. Amy watched her, barely resisting the urge to shake her head. Jake’s dramatic tendencies always found a way into Josie’s actions. 

“Alright, everybody!” Gina shouted. The doors to the actual altar were closed at this point. “It’s time to get this show on the road. I’ve been working on this for months, so you’re all gonna have to pull it together and be _on_. _point._ ” 

“Auntie G, I’m always on point!” Josie crossed her arms to show her disapproval for the shady comment. 

Gina cocked an eyebrow, leaning down to address Josie. “I know, baby. I was talking about your dad.” 

“Hey!” Jake whined. 

“Places, everybody! Chop, chop!” 

They all shuffled into line, arm in arm where they were supposed to be. They had rehearsed four times the day before, much to everyone’s disdain. Now that everyone was in place, Gina smiled smugly. “Would you look at that? Everyone’s ready in _seconds_. Even the kids. Even Jake! I wonder how that could be…” 

“Ms. Linetti,” Kevin chimed in from the back. He cleared his throat. “I do believe the time for gloating about corralling the children-” 

“-and Jake,” Jake added. 

“I said what I said,” Kevin had a hint of a laugh in his voice as he replied to Jake. “There will be time to recount your successful planning at the reception, Gina. We have a ceremony to get to!” 

She marched over to take her place next to Rosa, nodding determinedly toward Kevin. “And three, two-” She gestured a one, then waited as an employee at the venue pulled open the door. 

The opening chords to Canon in D by Pachelbel echoed into the room. Kevin chose the song, opting out of the typical song that couples chose for walking down the aisle. _”To be fair, the song is associated with ‘here comes the bride.’ Need I remind you that we do not have a bride?”_ He was stuck on Air in G String by Johann Sebastian Bach for a while, but Jake effectively shut that down. 

He had grabbed a wedding planning itinerary while they were attending a dinner party at the Holt-Cozner residence. He stared at it for a long time, clearly studying, before Kevin finally asked him what his concern was. _”Well… I trust Gina’s planning and everything… But it says something about G-Strings in the music section… I just didn’t think either of you would be interested in… I mean, what is this even? Like a wedding lapdance? Is this for some sort of bachelor party?”_

That launched Kevin into a lengthy explanation (or lecture, rather), during which Jake was trapped in the library and forced to listen to probably every classical song ever made (spoiler alert, they’re _long!_ ). Air in G String was immediately banished from the wedding. As the music flowed gracefully through the venue, there wasn’t a soul who disagreed with the choice. 

Holt’s sister and Kevin’s cousin were first down the aisle. Behind them, Charles and Kevin’s best work colleague were paired, slowly making their way down the aisle. Rosa and Gina followed. Gina turned back to point at Jake seriously before turning the corner. 

Before it was time for Jake and Amy to walk, he turned and got down on a knee to talk to Josie. “You’re gonna do great, Spec. And when this is over, we’re all gonna dance, and we’re gonna have cake. You’ll have so much fun.” 

Josie leaned forward and kissed Jake on the cheek. “Dad, you gotta go because Aunt Gina’s gonna be really mad if you’re late.” 

He laughed and stood back up, linking his arm with Amy’s. They began to walk toward the door. He leaned closer to her and laughed again, whispering, “She’s three years old and she’s already keeping me in check.” 

Amy laughed softly and winked at him. “I’m raising her right.” 

Everything went without consequence on the way down the aisle. The kids did perfect, leaving the entire audience full of smiles and hushed “awwww”s. The ceremony was beautiful. Their vows had everyone smiling, some even getting a little teary eyed. 

“It was so long ago when we stood across from one another, rushing through a marriage ceremony together. I had remarked that I wished the _o_ fficiant had been more _e_ fficient.” Everyone laughed quietly. “But since then, I have wanted nothing more than to share a moment like this with you. I love you, Kevin. I love the life that we have built for ourselves. I often used to say that marriage is a contract, but you’ve shown me time and time again that it is so much more than that. Each day, I look forward to sitting in the study with you, reading. I look forward to sharing plain toast in the mornings, to taking trips to museums during shared free time. More than anything, I love the family that we’ve surrounded ourselves with.” He gestured to the people standing before them. “When you first met some of these people, I didn’t know if you’d get along with them.” 

“Ah, you’re referring to when I needled Jake a new suit?” They shared a laugh amongst themselves, leaving everyone else confused at the joke. 

“Yes. But you’ve accepted a group of people that you didn’t have to accept. Seeing you interact within this dynamic has made me incredibly happy. Ten years ago, I would have laughed if you’d told me that one day you would be making Christmas cookies with Jacob Peralta’s daughter. It’s brought out a side to you that I’m thrilled to have been exposed to. I love you, Kevin. I hope that throughout the rest of our lives, I continue to learn more about you.” 

“Raymond.” Kevin shook his head slightly. “This is our family. A family, albeit, that I never saw coming. I am grateful to you for bringing them to me, just as I am grateful to you every day for all that you do. From your extensive sense of humor to your commitment to making our world a better place, I admire you, both on a personal and professional level. I love you, Raymond Holt. I look forward to many more years of laughter and love with you by my side.” 

They exchanged rings, and at the instruction of the man (re)marrying them, leaned in for a brief kiss. That was enough PDA for the next decade. Both men were all smiles as they made their way back down the aisle. 

Countless photographs were taken of the wedding party, of the grooms, and of their families. After all of those photos were completed, Holt pulled the photographer aside. 

“Okay,” the woman shouted after Holt was done speaking with her. “We’re going to have everyone from the nine-nine step over here for a photo, please.” 

The rest of the wedding party stepped away, walking toward the building now that they were finished with pictures. Hitchcock, Scully, and Terry all made their way over to the group. They took a few pictures with regular poses, all smiling on either side of Holt and Kevin. 

“Okay,” Jake shouted. “Now some fun ones?” 

By the time Kevin turned to look at him, he had already lifted Josie up, sitting her on one of his shoulders. Kevin turned back to look at Holt, who shrugged and nudged Niko. When Nikolaj looked up at him, he immediately pulled the Captain Latvia pose. Nikolaj gasped in excitement and copied Holt’s pose. 

Kevin turned in the other direction, toward Amy, who was now leaning to the side, hands on her belly, biting her lip and looking at Jake. Jake had a smug look on his face as he looked back at Amy and used his hand that wasn’t gripping Josie’s legs, holding her in place, to high five his daughter. Kevin covered his mouth with his hand, making a shocked expression and pointing down at Amy’s belly. Next to them, Rosa had her hands clasped together in a gun shape, an annoyed expression across her face as she aimed her finger guns at Hitchcock and Scully, who were kneeling in front of Kevin and Holt and taking bites out of either end of the same sandwich. No one was sure where they got the sandwich from. Gina was down on one knee, posed back-to-back with Iggy and looking like they came straight out of a hip-hop dance number. On the other side, Terry had his arms around Charles, replicating a sort of awkward prom pose. It looked even more ridiculous considering the difference in their sizes. 

This photo would make a home in Holt’s office, where each member of the squad would smile at it each time they entered the room. 

Later that night, Jake sat off to the side, watching Amy dancing with Josie. Some Bruno Mars song played in the background, and he couldn’t help but to think that this is exactly what he wanted his life to look like. 

“How you doing, buddy?” Charles asked as he sat next to Jake. 

Jake smiled in the direction of his girls before turning his head back toward Charles. “I’m perfect. How are you doing?” 

Charles smiled at him and rested a hand on his shoulder. “I’m great.” 

They both looked off in the direction of Amy and Josie. A short distance away, Genevieve was dancing with Nikolaj, too. “Did you ever think this would be our lives?” Charles finally asked. 

Jake looked at him for a moment before redirecting his attention back to Amy. He thought back over all the years that he had known her, to the years before he met her, when he was drowning in his relationship with Sophia, to the times where he was a shell of himself in the wake of the ending of his first major relationship. His mind wandered to the nerves he felt before asking Amy to marry him, to the study dates they had what felt like a million years ago, to the way she tucked her toes underneath his thigh for warmth. He chuckled quietly to himself as he remembered the way she refused to call him her friend, referring to him only as a work colleague. Who knew that one day they actually would be work colleagues? 

“Charles… I never once thought that I would be lucky enough to live a life like this.” 

Charles laughed. “Me neither.” 

\-- 

After a true Jake-level dramatic scene and a ridiculous amount of begging, Jake and Amy agreed to let Josie sleep over with Iggy in Rosa and Gina’s hotel room. 

Amy groaned as she leaned back against the pillows, squeezing her eyes shut tight. Jake propped himself up on an elbow to look at her, concern in his eyes. “Everything okay?” 

Eyes still closed, she nodded slowly. “Mhm, everything’s fine. We’re just really lucky that we got such a great daughter the first time, because being pregnant is _hell_.” 

He laughed quietly. “I got lucky in a lot of ways, I think.” 

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. “Yeah?” 

He grinned back. “Yeah. I mean, I’m married to a kick-ass sergeant, for starters.” He laughed as she rolled her eyes at him. “You’re a great mom to our perfect daughter, a fantastic wife, and my best friend. And once upon a time, you wouldn’t even call me your friend at all.” 

She shook her head at that. “Ugh, don’t remind me. I was so stupid.” 

He wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss onto her forehead. “That’s exactly what got us to where we are right now. And I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.” 

They were both all smiles as they snuggled closer to one another in bed, closing their eyes and quickly drifting off to sleep. But about 15 minutes later, Jake was startled out of his sleep by Amy quietly groaning next to him. 

He rolled over and turned on the lamp next to him, turning back toward her once there was a little bit of light. “Ames, what’s going on?” 

She shook her head, eyes still clamped shut. She rubbed her hand over her belly and took deep, slow breaths. “Nothing. I’m fine.” 

Jake shook his head back and sat up. “No. You promised you’d tell me. Those are contractions, right?” 

She shook her head defiantly. “No. It might be nothing. Too soon to tell.” 

Jake smiled tightly at her. “Great. You try and get some rest, okay?” He nodded at her, then stood up and began pacing across the room. 

She sat up in bed. “What are you doing?” 

He shrugged. “I’m just going to check all of our bags to make sure we have all of the hospital stuff.” 

She sighed. “Babe, c’mon. Come get in bed, I don’t need to go to the hospital.” 

“Mhm.” He began unzipping different bags that they brought and rifling through them. “I’m still just gonna check.” 

He heard her fall back against the pillows again, and then the soft sounds of discomfort she made a few minutes later. He subconsciously began moving faster, trying to check off the mental list he had in his head. Clothes? Check. Chargers? Check. What else was on their list of things they needed to bring to the hospital? He was trying to remember when he heard her whisper _so quietly_ that he barely heard it. 

“Fuck.” 

He turned toward her. “What?” 

She sat back up in the bed, sighing heavily. “My water broke.” 

Jake hopped up, frantic. “Your _water broke?_ Oh my god, we should have stayed home, now we’re in _Albany_ , nowhere near your doctor… This is a mess.” He was pacing again as he said all of this. Before she could even respond, he was at her side. “Do you need anything? Of course you need something. What do you need? What can I do?” 

She laughed softly. “Jake, nothing. This is _fine_. I’m fine. I don’t know if you remember, but we’ve done this before, right? This is much better because I’m not on the floor, in a room full of strangers, at a bank, mid-armed-robbery.” 

He sighed as he climbed back into his side of the bed. “You’re right. But I wasn’t there for the beginning, before. I just… feel like I should be doing something.” 

She smiled at him. “You should. Lay down and relax for a few minutes. This is going to be the last time we get to relax for a while.” 

He searched her eyes for a moment, but then laid back against the pillow like she’d asked. She ruffled her fingers through his hair. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too, Ames.” 

Two hours later, they were at the hospital. 

Twelve hours later, they were officially parents of two beautiful girls. 

And god, there were so many moments in Jake’s life that he had said this about, but there was truly nothing like watching Josie hold her baby sister for the first time. 

\-- 

About a week later, they were settled at home with their little family. It had been an adjustment for everyone, but they were all so happy. Even Josie, who they thought might have a little trouble adjusting to not being an only child, had nothing but love for the new baby. She wanted to be near her all the time, wanted to help out in any way that she could. Her favorite thing was helping to feed the baby. 

At about four o’ clock, the squad started piling into the house. It was the first time that all of them, aside from Kevin and Holt, who had brought Josie to the hospital to meet the baby after she was born, would be meeting baby number two. 

“So here she is,” Charles commented as he stood in front of Amy. She was sitting on the couch with Josie nestled into her side. Amy had the baby in her other arm, and Josie was gently touching her face. “What’s her name? Since you’ve been so top secret about that.” 

“We wanted Spec to tell everybody,” Jake said with a smile. “You wanna tell them your sister’s name, Josie?” 

Josie looked up at everyone with a huge smile on her face. “Her name is Nova Mae Peralta-Santiago.” 

“Nova,” Rosa commented quietly, nodding her head in approval. 

“Because it sounds like a badass superhero or something,” Jake smiled back as he leaned against the wall. 

Amy shot a glare at him. “Because it’s a scientific name. A nova is an explosion on a star. _Mae_ is for Mae Jemison, the first woman of color to travel in space. As Latina women, it’s important for them to know that they can do anything they set their minds to.” 

Jake nodded. “Absolutely true. _And_ , it rhymes with Rae, which is Josie’s middle name. So now we have Josie Rae and Nova Mae, which may or may not have been why I suggested it… The first Latina astronaut's name is Ellen, but Ellen doesn't rhyme with Rae.” 

Amy rolled her eyes, but smiled at him. 

Jake stepped into the kitchen to get a drink, and when he came back, everyone was settling into the room, all talking amongst themselves. Members of the squad were spread all around their living room. Hitchcock and Scully were sat on the couch, where Josie, Nikolaj, and Iggy joined them. 

Charles was now on the couch next to Amy, holding Nova in his arms. He was talking quietly to the baby, but he looked up at Jake from across the room and smiled wide. Charles, who he had known since he was a kid. Charles, who had been there through it all. His most dedicated friend, who would drop anything for him. Jake would do the same for him in a heartbeat. 

Rosa sat on the other side of Amy, talking to her. Rosa, who had become a major friend in his life quickly after meeting her. Rosa, who was effectively one of Amy’s best friends (maybe even more so than Kylie, now). Rosa, who would never hesitate to be there for either of them whenever they needed it. 

Gina sat on the floor in front of Rosa and Amy, popping into the conversation where she could. Gina, who had been Jake’s first best friend. His longest friend, his most honest friend, and easily his craziest friend. Gina, who inspired him to follow his dreams all the way back when they were children, and reminded him to this day that those dreams were important. 

Across the room on a separate couch, Terry, Kevin, and Holt all sat talking to one another. 

Terry, who had taken a major part in Jake’s education as a police officer. Terry, who was always there with insight on parenting. He had recommended the best products when Josie was teething, and they felt way more equipped to handle unexpected problems this time around because of his help. 

Kevin, who effectively hated Jake when they first met. Kevin, who called him immature and childish, who called him _out_ when he was wrong. Kevin, who was locked in a room with no one but Jake for _way_ too long. Who finally, after a little bit of bothering, admitted that Jake was a good man and a good friend and a good detective. A few years later, ‘good father’ was tacked onto that character assessment. He was still, it should be noted, childish and immature, by Kevin’s assessment, but these were words that were no longer used in an insulting way. 

Holt. Captain Raymond Holt, who had helped shape him into the man who stands in this room today. The best teacher, mentor, captain, and friend, that Jake could have ever asked for. Without his guidance, there’s no telling where Jake would be. A man who, they often joked, stood in as Jake’s father, but the two of them knew that it was really less of a joke and more of a fact. When he had a problem, he came to Holt. When Josie wanted to talk to her grandpa, they called Holt. He was kind, but he was stern. He was wise, but he was willing to take part in Jake’s antics. He was the glue that held all of them together. 

Finally, Amy Santiago. 

There were not enough words in this world for Jake to describe how he felt about Amy. She, along with the two daughters she had given him, was the most important thing in his life. Many years ago, she pulled him out of one of the darkest times of his life. Years later, she still managed to brighten every single one of his days. She complemented him in every way. She was the perfect mother, the smartest person he knew, and she amazed him every day with her strength and resilience. 

She was always ready for one of his jokes, no matter how stupid it was. She took on every obstacle that faced them with grace. She loved him. No matter how many times he felt like perhaps he didn’t deserve it. No matter how many times it would have been easier for her to turn away. She was always there. 

She was the love of his life. He could spend every moment for the rest of his life trying to prove that to her, and it still wouldn’t be enough. 

He leaned against the wall in the entryway and sipped his drink, watching everyone interacting around the room. He wasn’t entirely sure what the future would bring, but he was sure of one thing. 

It was just like Kevin said. This is their family. It isn’t perfect, and it isn’t conventional, but it’s always there. It’s always ready to welcome you with open arms. It’s always supportive. 

And it’s theirs. 

Across the room, Holt looked up at him. He held his eye contact for a moment before nodding slightly and smiling. 

_Yeah._

_It’s theirs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *LIL EMOTIONAL FACE EMOJI*
> 
> My first multi-chap fic is finished. 
> 
> No more researching of local Brooklyn restaurants and park names. (At least not regularly, I guess!!)
> 
> I hope you feel content with the ending. 
> 
> I didn't plan for this chapter to be quite so long. 
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos are appreciated more than anything. 
> 
> Thank you for giving this so much love and attention! Probably more than it ever deserved. I'm endlessly grateful.
> 
>  
> 
> _For the last time on this particular fic:_
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for hanging in for me and reading. All my love!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments & Kudos greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Trying to busy myself with writing in all of my free time, hopefully it's not annoying! 
> 
> I'm also trying to decide if every chapter title should be related to the song that the title came from? Chapter one is. I don't knooooow, but I'm about it at the moment.


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